Not Sure...

...exactly what I am feeling, or have been feeling the last few days. I thought I was doing so well, but I am not. There is just unfortunately too much to share on this blog world viewable blog, and too much that I. Just. Can't. Share.

LJ's caseworker came today. She comes once a month to see him, how he interacts with us, to see his room, to make sure we don't lock him in closets etc. (Not funny, but really that is, in essence what they do.)

She informed us that he would be spending the weekend with Mom again. His birthday is Saturday. That means he will be with Mom on his birthday. What is my problem? I have a HUGE problem with this. I am just jacked up. I am beginning to realize that I may not be cut out for Foster Care, and their goal of "reunification". I am feeling a bit too much anger, and despite my prayers for LJ and for his mom, I am having a hard time dealing with things. I guess I am realizing how hard it is going to be for me when and if he goes back with her. I guess I am not sure what it is that I really want for him, or for us. I'm just feeling sad about all of it. There is a good chance...that he may be with Mom sooner than we realize...maybe a week?!

I have been thinking how much I want a little baby to join our family, how I think I want that more than anything. I opened up an e-mail address that I send all my "junk" to. You know...one that I never check...and the millions of messages in there are all about how far along I would be in my pregnancy. I haven't even given it a second thought since my doctor's appointment two weeks after our loss. I guess we would be 26 weeks now. It is just doing funky things with my brain. The past nine weeks...oh my.

There is just so much more...

Prepare ye!

To come to our AWESOME Yard Sale!

PASSION!

Passion that I feel in my heart...but don't have the words to express it as eloquently as Mrs. R does. Go, tell her how awesome she is...and consider her words.

Wendy's you are THE best!

LJ enjoying a little nugget lurve.

I often wonder about what people who live out in the boonies...or basically where there is NO Wendy's feed their children on nights like we have all too often? Usually it is Tuesday nights, when LJ has a visit and we find ourselves running around like dead cockroaches. Ahh, Wendy's we love you.

Today has been a really long and exhausting day for me. I just feel icky, icky. I am teary and my heart aches. I am feeling so many emotions that I am not sure what to do or how to act, or where to go from here. I just keep thinking about how much comfort and peace I have felt over the past two months, and even with all of the trials that have been thrown at us over the last few weeks, how much we have been blessed, and how much I need to remember that our Father in Heaven is mindful of each and every one of us.

I guess, I just need all of my friends to know how much I love them, and care about them. I want my kids to know the same. My hubbs too. I would do anything in the world for them...to see them happy and smiling, to put my arms around them each day so that they knew how much!

We all went out to Baskin Robbins again tonight. ( I am using food as a stress reliever right now. Not the best thing to do I would say! ) It was SO much fun to watch the littles devour their little scoops and "hats" ( cone turned upside down on the top of the cupped scoop. ) It brought me back down to what is important, my family...how important it is that they know that I love them. I remember going to the same ice cream place when I was a little girl. Oooo how I loved to pick out Pink Bubblegum...and save all the gum for the very end. I love watching Jothy take the time to think about which kind he is going to get. He told me tonight he was going to get "the green kind" ( Pistachio ). I am not sure if he would like it or not...so I was happy when I saw he opted for Oreo Cookies and Cream. I wish I could be more like him. Everytime I go somewhere, I always get the same kind...the same dish. I rarely venture out. I love that he isn't afraid to truly experience each thing in life, each flavor and not be afraid to be hurt in the process. I was thankful today to learn so much from the Cookies and Cream choice. Thanks buddy.

Blinds, and Rambo Yo.

So, it has been almost a year since we moved in to our new house. Can you believe it? And we FINALLY, finally, finally, FINALLY broke down and got blinds. We had wanted to do shutters in the bedrooms, but we got so sick and tired of looking at the blankets and sheets hanging over the windows that the need for shutters went, well, right out the window. ( I am SO freaking hilarious I know! ) They weren't the best blinds, or the most expensive...but I am SO happy with them. Our house FEELS so much cleaner, so much BIGGER, it is like having a new house all over again! We are in love.

Next, I have this lovely picture of Rambo for your viewing pleasure. Er, I mean Memms. The kids were out back playing in the "yard" ( next project hopefully! ) And they found the tracks to one of their Tonka trucks. I have just been informed by my husband that they are not considered a "truck" that particular vehicle is called a "tractor". Well, I've been schooled. Anyway, seems like it is a lot funner to wear the tracks as a Rambo headband than to actually play with them in the dirt. I still laugh when I see one of the kid walking around the house with one on their heads.

Drizzly Day.

Why oh why, when we have a day off from work, from the mundane life that we all lead...does it have to drizzle?

I do love the rain...but it just made today a little gloomy.

We went and ordered pizzas, got ice cream, and cuddled up on the couch and watched movies with our kiddos. I can't think of a more perfect day than this.

What did you guys do today?

Thoughts on LJ and Foster Care

I get a lot of questions about how Foster Care is going. How long LJ will be with us. "What's his story?" Unfortunately due to confidences we aren't allowed to share. I know that this is no news to anyone. I'm not even allowed to put a picture of his face for you all to see. (Very understandable.) So, I decided I would make this post for all of the "Hoping to Adopt" couples and people even contemplating doing Foster Care. I hope to be extremely candid and answer any and all questions and let you know the nitty gritty of what I have felt the last two months...and surprisingly where I am at in this stage of the game.

LJ has been with us for two months now. We have been on a roller coaster ride where his case is concerned. He came to us on a "Foster Only" basis. Meaning, he was on intensive reunification with his mother. He was seeing her three times a week at that point. Somewhere along the way that grew to four times a week and is now down to one time a week (sorta). We have been told so many different things concerning him, we just say whatever to it all now and just love him and give him all he needs while he is here with us.

My biggest problem with the whole thing is that I felt a little "tricked" into taking him. This is nothing against little LJ but against the system itself. He had been in a shelter home (emergency home) for 50 days. When they called us (specifically knowing we only wanted to take a child 12 months and younger) they told us he was 18 months old. What is another 6 months right? Well, in terms of children who have not had the best care...it was a lot! Plus, since he was considered "foster only" (I'll explain why later) we couldn't even read his file which would have said specifically WHAT he had been through in his short life. So...we have a few hours to decide. In our crazy state and our big hearts we say YES! Well, he comes to us and he is 22 months old. YES, 22 months. That is, TWO years old. We find out that he is considered Foster Only because they couldn't find a home for him because of his intensive reunify status. And all of the Shelter Homes were FULL so they needed him out. Isn't the system LOVERLY?

So, you all know what happened less than 24 hours after he came to us right? So naturally I wasn't in THE best state a foster parent could be in. So really, that same week (I am ashamed to admit) we asked to have them find another family for him. I was a wreck. My kids were a wrech...and poor LJ didn't need to be in a home where another mother was a wreck. It was all just TOO much to handle. Remember I said our hearts are big? Well that is why he is still here. Somehow or another we pushed through all the shiz and here we are two months later, because seriously he was supposed to go live with grandparents, then with Mom. Now, hopefully in the next few weeks he can go back to be with mom. He has been in the system for almost six months. They give parents AT LEAST eight to get it together to have their children back. SO, either in the next few weeks he will be back with her, or they will screen him for "legal risk" which means they will screen families (including ours) and find the best possible fit for him...which means he may be able to be adopted by a family.

In our hearts, we honestly and completely feel he is meant for another family. We have never felt an overwhelming impression that he would be here for a very long time. But if it becomes necessary, we will have the dice thrown in our favor...so wherever the cookie crumbles...if he is to stay here we will keep him forever...if not and there is a better and more eternal placement for him, the state will find it. Hope that makes sense.

I think Foster Care is a wonderful avenue for those searching to add to their family. It is not easy, but it is doable. We have learned to love more fully and more unconditionally. We have learned that sometimes there is MORE out there to give of ourselves than we realize. My advice would be to stick with what you are comfortable with. If you don't think you could foster an older child, then don't. It isn't fair to them and not fair to yourself if you feel like it isn't something you can do. Also, don't be afraid to say "no". Like most things in life, if you get the gut feeling that you shouldn't do it, then more than likely you shouldn't do it!

LJ's birthday is next week. We are looking forward to being the lucky ones to celebrate it with him! ;)

Dude.

She is a pumpkin. She makes chocolate look SO good. So, Saturday my sister in law was in town. I was a raging hormonal lunatic. I will spare you my dramatics. Let's just say my horomones were on overkill with this upcoming "time of the month" if you will. It resulted with me saying the f word. (Yes I just said THE f word, go ahead...remove me from your blog rolls.) in public, in front of A. LOT. OF. PEOPLE. I am 99% sure my sister in law heard it. I was PISSY. So...needless to say I needed to leave the place where we were. On my way home...to BE home for when LJ got home...I decided that Joth, Memms and I would stop for a little Baskin Robbins LURVE. The kids both wanted chocolate. Well, lucky for me...they BOTH fell asleep in the car...so after naps, I snapped a few of Memm. (Jothan wasn't covered for once...plus he was still sleeping.)

Anyway, it does my heart good to see these. Love those first few I popped off really quickly. Those looks. That girl. Ahhh.

Hoping to Adopt (Again) Part 5

I know, I know it has been FOREVER since I did a hoping to adopt segment. Why? I dunno, but I am back FULL force. SO many good things are happening all around me...it is time I GIVE back AGAIN.

Meet Brian and Leisha. They rawk. What more can I say? Leisha is an amazing mother. She loves her kids more than anything. Brian is one cool dude, very funny. As we have gotten to know them, they have become such dear friends. We can't wait to see them add another little life to their family. If you know of anyone...send them their way!

Congratulations!

Josh and Amy. She is beautiful.

This Film is Not Dead

Oh man, I miss Hawaii. Miss, miss, miss.

Dear Aunt Flow:

No, this is not a picture of Aunt Flow, but thanks to Carly for visiting me and bringing me the best possible solution for my dilemma ever! She brought me this tonight. Mmmmm. I can't thank her enough. I'm eating a bowl of it now then it is off to bed. Aunt Flow can suck it.

Love Potion #31. Oh how I love and despise you all at once.

I want to get off please.

Ever feel like your life is a roller coaster and you enjoy the ride for a little bit, but then your tummy starts to hurt, and you feel your lunch coming back up and you keep trying to signal the attendant that you just want to get your butt off, but each time you roll back around they have their iPod stuck in their ears and they are rawkin' out so much that they can't see or hear you? So you just end up with puke all over your new jeans, and designer stilletos, and your favorite new blouse that you bought just to go to the grand opening of the latest ride?

Ya my tummy hurts and I just want to puke.

I feel like my entire life has been one huge, long roller coaster ride. Sometimes it is so great, I can handle the "tickle pee pee" feeling. I can take the hills one after another, the steep inclines and the sudden drops, but today, well today I just, want to get off, shower, and change my clothes.

I'm not even sure if I can pinpoint why I feel this way. I guess it is because it is Monday. I don't much like Monday. I got a somewhat rude e-mail from this person in my ward, basically telling me she can't do her calling if I don't do mine. People, people. I do my calling, sorry if I have been a little preoccupied lately. Then, I didn't get to talk to one of my favorite people today. That made me sad, but perhaps it is a good thing for both of us. I hope so. Then, everyone keeps asking me about LJ. It isn't that I mind sharing all the 411 about him, as much as I can anyway, but I dunno, something about his case makes me feel utterly helpless, totally sick and leaves me feeling like I am not cut out to be a foster mother because I love too much? Is that possible? He is still with us, but again, not for much longer...they tell me two weeks...but then again they said that three weeks ago. That's what I know for right now.

So, (you ask) what do you do to help yourself feel better during these trying times? Well, I go shopping. And not just any shopping. Shoe shopping. I bought two pairs today. D.I. is getting six of my old pairs tomorrow. I can't wait to wake up...shower...and put on my new pair and take the kiddos to the zoo. That's just what I need...get off the coaster and step in the rhino shiz. Wish me luck.

Today.

I feel like I haven't had a lot of time to get out and photograph the SPRING. I think spring may officially be gone, as I looked at the trees today they are all FULL of leaves. Man o man, where'd the time go? This top photograph was the ONLY photograph I took of blossoms. It is totally crap...soft focus. Oh well, it still says "spring" and I want to hold onto spring for as long as I can.

This one is just for fun, it is part of my "Top Secret" shoot that I can't really talk about, but I have no idea why...so I won't talk about it...but you can see for yourself how cool it must be.

I'm feeling...oh, reminiscent today. This is not usually my thang as I like to look to the future, always trying to plan my life down to the second. I guess it is all part of my "letting go" for the year. Words I haven't really thought of for a while...but need to remember more that my goal for this year was letting go.

I wish I could share more about little LJ's case. This week has been a rocky and rough one for me in terms of my feelings. My feelings about his situation, about his mom, about how much I wish and long for him. Through all the prayers and tears Heavenly Father has shown me the answers to "why" and has shown me that I will survive letting go of him. He'll be okay.

Not quite sure what this post was all about...just wanted to sit and let some thoughts flow. Have a good weekend everyone!

Sometimes...

...photography is a drug for me. It is very theraputic. I wish sometimes I could run outside and just shoot away. It wouldn't be too great right now, since it is one in the morning. But I just finished editing my last session and realized how much I love doing it. How much I have missed working. Feels good to be back doing it.

I feel like I am just now beginning to appreciate who I am as a photographer. While I look forward to where I will be five years from now, I can finally look at my work and really enjoy at least something from each session. There is something about it that is passionate, something that was missing that I didn't have before. I just see a lot of myself. Sometimes, I think I see the person I wish I was.

Just Now:

In regards to Emmaree playing with a bunch of gifts we have sitting here for Chelsia.

Me: "Emm, PLEASE don't touch that."

Emmaree: Proceeding to touch and touch and touch. (Very unlike her.)

Me: "Emmaree! Please don't touch those!"

Emmaree: "I "LJ"."

She was pretending to be LJ. She is a butt.

i heart mrs. r

(as well as this photo I swiped from her.)

Happy Day!

BAWLING.

Remember them?

They just became parents. Congratulations Andrew and Sarah.

Adoption is AMAZING.

My heart is full.

Thomas! (And his friends.)

True story:

Riding home from dinner tonight, I was sitting in the backseat with Jothan. Over the radio airwaves we hear this song of little kids singing about Gordon B. Hinckley.

Me: "Hey Joth, do you hear that song on the radio? They are singing about Gordon B. Hinckley."

Joth: Listening intently. "Oh ya Mom they are!"

Me: "You know that Gordon B. Hinckley died and went to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus, right?"

Joth: "Ya Mom, now there is another Gordon, named Thomas!"

Leave it to my little four year old to recognize that A: We have a new "Gordon" (prophet) and B: That in the show Thomas and His Friends (You know which Thomas I speak of...) There is an engine named Gordon, and an engine named Thomas. I would have never put those two together.

Little Man, you totally RAWK, I love you so much!

CONGRATULATIONS JAKE AND JULIE!!

(They just found out they are expecting their first baby/babies...Due in January.)

Love you Julz!

This kid has personality.

Sometimes...sometimes, I think that LJ is out to get me. Sometimes I think that he doesn't take a nap when the other kids are, just because he knows how much I need that hour to myself. Sometimes, I think he needs that time with me, with someone, and sometimes the things he does just make me LAUGH out LOUD. Things like this:

(Sorry about the creepy black box...I got creative because I am dying to post about this.)

When I went into his room for the tenth time yesterday to make sure he was lying in bed, not taking every last bit of clothing out of the drawers, he must have heard me coming, because I saw him running to his bed wearing this snazzy attire. How could I be upset? I let him up, took a few photos and put him back to bed. I made the mistake of putting the tie and hat away...and he had them on within two minutes of me putting him down again.

Little Dude...you bring sunshine. I hope you always know how much you are loved.

He gets to spend the weekend with Mom. I take him to her in the morning. I've been a little teary today. But thankful that he can be safe with his family again soon.

My Friend

She came over today. I just love her and her little Liv to absolute pieces. I miss seeing them often. Do you remember them?

Thanks for stopping by today Wend. It was a great excuse to sweep the floor. ;)

Just proof that when you come and visit me, and visit my blog, you just might be rewarded.

Today I was bored...

So I got out the camera and took photos of the only child that would cooperate. I love her uber much. She is such a ham.

"Take a pitcha' of my hands!" (I did...I just liked this one better!)

"Give me a BIG smile Memm!"

Good times.

I took some of the other kids...but that memory card is locked in the car...far away from here. Hopefully tomorrow!

Remember that Blast to the Past Night?!

That our ward had a few weeks ago? I just came across the photos...hilarious. I wish ours were better, but I had someone else take them and they are not in focus at all...anyway... Love these ladies that I serve with...it has been THE best calling for me!
I can't believe it, but Flavio used to dress like this. So thankful that was before I met him.
Look at my ghetto hair! I can't believe I couldn't get it any higher...good thing that I don't have to get it that big now!
Me and my cute husband. LOVE you to pieces Dude!
So fun to blast to the past and relive some of those old memories.

Birth Mother's Day!

I had the most incredible day. Today we had a luncheon for the birth mother's from our agency. I am always blown away by the spirit in the room on this special day. I love meeting new people, seeing friends and listening to the stories of adoption, and the miracles that are wrought through these strong, beautiful, and amazing women.

Amanda asked a sweet girl from her neighborhood to come and sing for us. I was BLOWN away and had to wipe tears from my eyes. An amazing experience.

My heart has been truly touched today. I just wanted to remember. I am so lucky to be a part of FSA, the people I have met, the lives that have been touched. WOW.

Oldie but goodie...

Because a post isn't a post without a photograph!

I have been thinking a lot today about the past two months. How much our lives have changed, how much we have learned, how much we have grown. I am really thankful for all of the trials, the heartache, for the blessings. My heart is deeply touched and sincerely humbled in ways that I am not even sure I can express right now.

One thing I have learned is to SLOW DOWN. I never realized how much time I was missing from myself, and my family until I had to STOP and TAKE time for us, for myself. I feel like a different person, I like the changes I have made. I feel like I have grown closer to my husband, to our children. I have learned to be a better mother through having LJ in our home. I have learned that I am not as patient as I would like to be, and through it all I have learned patience.

I have learned that Heavenly Father is AMAZING...I know there is a higher power in this Universe. I know that he is mindful of each one of us. I have seen it witnessed to myself over the past few months, and it is incredible.

I'm just really happy. I'm really thankful. I just wanted you to know that.

Best Budds

I am constantly amazed by how well these two get along with one another. I snapped this a few weeks ago after Memms woke up from a nap, and I caught the two of them cuddling on the bean bag chair in front of Curious George. They are dynamite. Love them to bits and bits.

Little LJ is still with us. Foster Care is such a roller coaster, because the state has no idea what is really going on, so they tell me one thing and another thing happens...so I figure for the most part I am done with updates. ;) He's here, we're loving on him and that is that. The latest word is maybe next week? So, we'll see.

Our weekend was very busy. I felt like it was SUPER busy and that I let a few of my very close friends down. We missed a wedding and a baby blessing. We are usually so great about getting to the places we need to get...but didn't do so great this weekend.

Yesterday Hubbs was called to be our new Ward Clerk. I don't know why but this seems like such a HUGE calling to me. It means I have to be a better support to him than I have been in the past, and that I will be wrestling the little ones on my own during Sacrament Meeting. We are excited for this new adventure and I know that Hubbs will enjoy it as well. He loves working with his "paper"...so he'll do just fine.

Well...that is about it for us. Hope your week has started out wonderfully!

iTunes Shuffle Challenge

I've been challenged to an iTunes Shuffle Challenge. Bear yourself and tell the world the first 16 songs that appear when you shuffle your iPod. Here are mine:

Samson--Regina Spektor

Us--Regina Spektor

The Remedy--Jason Mraz

Me and You--Barry Louise Polisar

Up the Spout--Mateo Messina

1234--Feist

Ordinary Day--Vanessa Carlton

Umbrella--Rhianna

Merry Happy--Kate Nash

Never Too Late--Three Days Grace

First Time--Lifehouse

Hey There Delilah--Plain White T's

Waiting on the World to Change--John Mayer

Dreaming With a Broken Heart--John Mayer

Somewhere Over the Rainbow--Isreal Kamakawiwo'ole

Stop and Stare--One Republic

Enjoy!