My Journey

Tonight. Shot on a Polaroid 600SE with Fuji FP-100c.

On a journey.

I was discussing with Loralee last night.
Sharing with her how I just told the world I went off of my depression medication after two years of being on it.
I haven't been up on blogs since Millz came home, so I was not aware that she too had gone off of hers. I was surprised to hear that so many people were not supportive of her doing so.

I support her.
I support anyone who is trying to do what is best for them and their family.
I have had a very SMALL handful of hurtful comments directed towards me
since I went off of my medication.
The very sad and hurtful thing is that only those closest to me knew I was weaning off of them, and knew the actual time that they were no longer a part of my routine.

Those comments hurt the most.
To those people, I lovingly and kindly say, you have never been in my shoes.
I am holding myself together quite well.
It is all for the better and I am better for it.
I am strong!

I have been off for 6 weeks.
I cannot tell you the difference I am feeling in my life. I
can cry again, I can feel emotions.

I will be honest, sometimes they are overwhelming, and I have to keep myself in check and talk myself down when emotions are high...but I am DOING it.
I am winning.
I feel like ME again.
I have missed me.

One of the big reasons I decided to wean off, was because my doctor and I decided it was time to try. Also, because I have been packing on weight like no other. A few weeks ago I weighed as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with Jothan (my heaviest weight.)
Today?
I weigh exactly five pounds less than that weight.

195.

You are all smart. You can do the math. 200 pounds.
All I want to do lately is hide.
I don't like going out, and we are having family photographs tomorrow, and I could just cry.

BUT, since going off of my medication, and feeling again, I have more control (believe it or not.) In the last 3 healthy weeks (cuz I was a sickie)
I have lost 7 lbs.

So, why am I telling you all of this?
To help someone else out there who is going through the same thing I am.
I am starting a weight loss journey, and as hard as it is to put it out to you that I got myself to this point, I want you to see that I can get to where I need to be to be healthy again.

I am EXCITED.
I have a plan.
I want you to join me on that plan if you are in the same place I am.
I want to be able to run without pain again.

Do you want to join me?
Publicly or privately I want you to make a plan and update weekly on your progress.

We can do this together.
I am even considering taking photos.
I may scare all of you away if I do that so I haven't decided for sure.
Would you like me to? Even if it is Biggest Loser honesty?

So, I am starting with my official weight being 193.
Let's get this party started.
I have a BIG reward for myself when I reach my goal weight of 140.
I will share that with you as we get closer to that weight.

Love you guys.
Thank you for loving me.
Watch me learn to love myself again.

***POST EDIT***

Before:

Weight: 195
Neck: 14.5
Bust: 40.5
Bicep: 14
Waist: 41.5
Buttocks: 47
Thigh: 27
Calf: 15.25

Just remember you were warned.
GAH.

**True Story**
As I changed into these workout clothes, J-dawg says to me:
"Mom, how come you are wearing those clothes?"
I proceed to tell him about how I want to lose weight and feel better about myself.
Emm says: "You are going to take pictures in that?"
Me: "Yes."
Emm: "That is going to be HIDEOUS!"

...and she is right.

I need motivation.

Here I am.





I freaking heart clothes.

Too many days without Prozac.

I hate talking about it. I hate admitting I need them.

I thought I was doing so good.

I had weaned myself off unknowingly.

Then I realized this evening that I really need to keep taking them.

I am super weepy. Obscenely grouchy. And, ULTRA sensitive.

So, tonight, I took one. I am praying that once they hit my system in the next few days I can feel like I can breathe again. How did I ever live without this little kiss of wonder? It hasn't been that long, maybe a week, but dang Gina.
I can't stand admitting I am weak, but perhaps if I do, then maybe others in my situation won't feel so alone, like I feel now.

Tonight I almost wigged out on Hubbs. Well, in my mind I wigged out on him good. I would say "poor guy" but he is fine. Tee hee.
I am SO angry and upset over something so silly.

Why oh why was I cursed with such Biznatchiness?
Is it hereditary?
Am I alone? Please, please tell me I am not. :(
Or perhaps maybe I am just depressed because all of the Easter candy is gone?


ENOUGH of that...

As for happier things, I just totally updated my photography logos, bid'nez card and blog thanks to this lady. Thank you Leisha...you are amazingly talented, I highly suggest you use her!

You may have noticed over yon <------ That I have this cool new button that takes you to my uber cool photography blog. Why just the photography blog you ask? Well, because I am officially announcing that in June 2009 I will have a website up and running. MY website up and running! (I am SUPER excited and stoked at the possibilities.) I can't wait to stare at it all the time. But for now, get your fix here:

(Clicky, clicky.)

Check back often, I have lots of fun sessions coming in the next week...some had to wait because they were surprises. Shhh.

Heart you peeps!

All the training comes down to this...

We had our annual physical exams. Don't get all excited...LUCKILY for me I didn't have to complete "the" exam...I got lucky and get to wait a few more months...YAY!

But it was an exam complete with blood work and urinalysis to make sure I don't have cancer, thyroid problems (dang it...wish there was some excuse this weight is sticking), or high cholesterol. Luckily (again) for me everything is A-OK! For this I am thankful. Our doctor was SUPER kind to me. He was VERY encouraging, he said my weight is great, my blood workup is great, and to just keep up the RUNNING! He encouraged me to try to run a marathon...he is just so impressed with what I have been accomplishing, he just said I need to drag Hubbs out with me more often...

So, anyway, tomorrow is THE BIG DAY!

Got my amphipod, my gu, and my new running shoes...and of course my HOTT homemade tank...ready to go. Pictures to follow.

Love you all, thanks for the encouragement, can't wait to see how many hours it takes me. (Pretty sure it will be at least three!) That is my goal anyway.

See you at the finish line!

Third:

I have debated for quite some time as to whether or not I should write about this. I have had the fear that if I do write this, that people may not understand, and worse yet, that it would make everyone, and even myself realize that I am not perfect, and sometimes I cannot do it alone.

I have felt this more than ever before today.

I am taking an anti-depressant.

There, I said it. I have been taking one for about four months now.

And you know what? I have never been happier.

I have never felt so FREE, so anti-anxious about EVERYTHING, so on top of the world.

How long had I been so down? How long had I let myself believe that I could take care of how I was feeling all on my own? That it was MY choice if I was happy, sad, depressed, anxious, tired, etc? YEARS more than likely. Definitely since a year after my marriage when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. Seriously? SEVEN years of blech? A weight has been lifted off of me, that I hadn't realized was hanging onto my shoulders. I feel light. It is hard to explain, but it is real!

Wanna know how I realize how much better off I am with this tiny kiss of an anti-depressant than without? (This has happened ONCE before) But today, I was sitting on the couch for most of the morning, STRESSING about EVERY LITTLE thing I had to do. Stressing about the laundry, spending time with my kids, EDITING A WEDDING I FINISHED SHOOTING LAST NIGHT?! (Crazy right? Why should I be stressing about THAT?) etc...etc...I kind of went so far as to have zero desire to make dinner, and talked my husband into going to Arctic Circle. That is how you know I have reached a low point. Then it hit me. I have forgotten to take my medication for almost FIVE days. FIVE. Duh. I realized at that moment how much it is helping me to be a better wife, mother, sister, friend, and PERSON.

So I tell you this because, more than likely I will stay on these little lovelies for as long as they are helping me be a better wife and mother. I feel like my family is now the center of my life, instead of everyone else and their happiness or what they have thought about me. In a way, I am thankful for the horrendous post-partum depression that had me in it's vice, for without it I would not have had the courage to ask for help.

My husband was THE KING of, "You don't need pills to make you happy...to help you get through hard times." Now he is THE KING of, "Can you stay on those FOREVER...PLEASE?!" He is a believer, and so am I. I can't wait to find me again, after these blasted pills take effect once again. Can't wait.