If you don't believe me...I have a
Testimony of that.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Heavenly Father is amazing.
xoxo
Testimony of that.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Heavenly Father is amazing.
xoxo
Showing posts with label Miracles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miracles. Show all posts
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Monday, December 14, 2009
This is Familiar
The instant I held Millz in my arms for the first time,
she was familiar.
At first, I wasn't sure if it was because she looked so much like her brother and sister,
or if it was because
SHE herself was familiar.
Of course, it was because she was familiar.
The first few days and weeks that she was a part of our home, a part of our lives,
she brought an
air of familiarity
to our hearts.
This tiny girl was the reason, the push, the drive of the previous three years. She was the one standing behind the veil SCREAMING for us to not give up on her. It was her spirit begging for us to not give up hope for another child to come to our home. It was her. She wanted so badly to come to us...and when she was finally here, it was with the simple, sweet, enduring ways of a baby that I realized as her mother that I already knew her inside and out.
I KNEW HER.
She. Was. Familiar.
As I look back on the almost five months since she came to us, I am in awe of her spirit. Her happy face, and the sweet love that she has for us.
She was worth Every tear. Every heartache. Every loss.
Every. Single. One.
I would do it all again for her.
To my friends still 'waiting' or still 'finding' or still 'hoping'...
don't give up.
Your 'Familiar' is waiting, standing behind an unseen veil,
waiting and hoping just as hard as you are!
She is proof:
she was familiar.
At first, I wasn't sure if it was because she looked so much like her brother and sister,
or if it was because
SHE herself was familiar.
Of course, it was because she was familiar.
The first few days and weeks that she was a part of our home, a part of our lives,
she brought an
air of familiarity
to our hearts.
This tiny girl was the reason, the push, the drive of the previous three years. She was the one standing behind the veil SCREAMING for us to not give up on her. It was her spirit begging for us to not give up hope for another child to come to our home. It was her. She wanted so badly to come to us...and when she was finally here, it was with the simple, sweet, enduring ways of a baby that I realized as her mother that I already knew her inside and out.
I KNEW HER.
She. Was. Familiar.
As I look back on the almost five months since she came to us, I am in awe of her spirit. Her happy face, and the sweet love that she has for us.
She was worth Every tear. Every heartache. Every loss.
Every. Single. One.
I would do it all again for her.
To my friends still 'waiting' or still 'finding' or still 'hoping'...
don't give up.
Your 'Familiar' is waiting, standing behind an unseen veil,
waiting and hoping just as hard as you are!
She is proof:
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Finally, a story that ends WITH a baby.
I am extremely teary right now.
This post needs to be written.
I hate that it has taken so long.
It is so sacred, and so special that it needed me to have the time to put it down.
I will preface with the fact that I have an EXTREME case of
"pregnant brain" combined with sleep deprivation.
It is my hope I can remember the minutes of this day like they happened, and recall with full heart how I felt.
The Monday prior to Millz birth, I had an appointment with my doctor where he
"stretched my cervix".
Let's just leave it at this: That it hurt like a mother. And I left with his words ringing in my mind, "60-70% of women will begin labor within 48 hours."
On the way home I texted one of my besties.
She said, "You'll prolly be in the 30% that don't start labor huh?" She knew what I was thinking.
I went home that night uncomfortable, but with no signs that I would have this baby before my doctor was scheduled to leave for his vacation on Friday.
Tears.
I wanted nothing more than to have HIM there to deliver this sweet girl. I prayed hard, I cleaned my house,
I MOWED THE LAWN.
NADA.
So, the night before Millz was born, I was out photographing a beautiful friend of mine, Crystalyn.
Yes, nine months pregnant I was still shooting, but at that point, one only hopes and prays that any sort of physical activity will activate full blown labor.
It didn't.
I went home and had a hard time falling asleep.
I felt like CRAP.
I woke up the next morning still feeling just all around yucky, but not in "labor". Sure, I had contractions...just like the weeks before, every 3-30 minutes. Crystalyn called me that morning, just to say,
"I felt like I needed to call you and see how you are doing."
Because of her sweet call, and her urging me to go to the doctor, I started to think,
"Huh, maybe I am in labor?"
She proceeded to tell me,
"You know you feel like crap because: YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!"
I still laugh at that sentence.
Hindsight: She was right. At the moment: I was in denial.
I told her that I would indeed go into the hospital if I didn't start feeling better. The contractions kept coming and coming, but inconsistently, and I still felt like crapola.
I ran some errands with Hubbs, we got some lunch, then dropped the older kiddos off on the in-laws and we were off to the hospital, just to see what the heck was up and why I was feeling so icky.
We got to the hospital at 4:00 p.m.
It took what felt like forever to get to the L&D room for monitoring. Here, I was informed they would monitor me for an hour...see if I was progressing, if not then they would send me home.
BOO.
I was dilated to a 2+ when I came in. I could have cried (remember all the cervix stretching? A fancy term for "stripping of the membranes") Well when the nurse, Kathleen told me that I hadn't progressed since then...I CRIED. I knew the hour would be pointless...I felt dumb for even going into the hospital. I just wanted to turn around and leave. But I didn't...I stayed for the entire hour.
Kathleen came back in, checked me and I dilated 1/2 a centimeter. YES a half. They want you to dilate 1 centimeter an hour in order to keep you. Kathleen was SO sweet, and SO kind that she said,
"Well, how about if we keep you for one more hour? But if you don't dilate I will have to send you home because we are SUPER FULL."
Me: "Okay." All the time hoping and praying that SOMETHING would happen.
I took a few laps around the L&D floor. Hubbs was at a closing during this hour...so I was alone.
I had a lot of time to contemplate about this sweet baby girl. How I wanted to meet her, how I longed to have our Dr. Lloyd be there to deliver her, how I wanted Jon to be able to come and photograph her first perfect moments of life...
I prayed a lot that week...that things would line up and all would go perfectly, like I wanted it to.
After the second hour I went back to the room, and Kathleen checked me again. Dilated to a 3.5. BLAST. Only another 1/2 a centimeter? Things were happening but UBER slow. Kathleen said she was off to get some meds to send me home...assuring me I would be back within the day to have the baby.
She left the room, and there I was alone with baby in my belly, teary, praying.
I prayed and prayed and prayed.
The monitors were still on. Kathleen didn't come back.
She didn't come back for almost 45 minutes.
When she did come back in, she said,
"Well, I called the Doctor on call (not my doctor...frowny face) and he wants to keep you."
Me: "WHAT?!"
Kathleen had been monitoring me and apparently in the 45 minutes since she had gone my blood pressure had sky-rocketed. (As did the pain level of the contractions which were now coming every 3 minutes).
Dr. Barton wanted to keep me for fear I was becoming preeclamptic.
Even though I felt like garbage...I was having a baby...soon!
Remember when I said Heavenly Father loved me?
Well, He does. A LOT.
I was admitted at 7:00 p.m.
Got my epidural at 9:00 p.m. Alone. Had sent Hubbs home to shower and change
(hello these pictures were going to be eternally shot on FILM...he had to look good.)
Needless to say, big mistake and my contractions went crazy painful after they broke my water (just seconds BEFORE he left.)
I am a wuss but a thankful wuss that there is such wonderful things as epidurals.
Mmm, epidural.
At 10:00 p.m. dilated to a five. Had Hubbs call Jon.
(Even though Hubbs and Kathleen thought I was crazy...they both thought baby wouldn't come for 'quite some time'".)
Jon arrives within the hour:
Don't I look freaking hott for being 9 months pregnant?
(I meant that...really!)
The pitocin, combined with the epidural really sped things along.
Wanna know the cool part? Who ordered the pitocin?
Dr. Lloyd.
Yep, Dr. Barton called him and HE CAME IN!
To deliver Millz.
Tears.
Miracles.
Oh the hilarity when Dr. Lloyd came into check me and I introduced him to our friend Jon.
Dr. was like, "Uhm, do you want him to LEAVE?!"
Funny.
Recall the "hooha" dilemma?
Who cares?
Really?
Anyway, he checks me and I am like at a six. Feeling TOTALLY dumb for calling Jon.
So Hubbs, Jon and I talk for the next hour.
Here I am texting mrs. r so she can give the world the play by play via twitter and facebook.
Thanks Linds.
Also, making Leisha spend tons of money by sending her texts. Get a new plan already okay Leish?
As we are sitting there, the new nurse comes in and I tell her:
"I am feeling a lot of pressure...I think the baby is ready."
So she checks me, and YEP...Millz was ready.
10.
I pushed once.
The world stopped for a moment and the room went silent when we hear,
"The cord is around her neck."
(Okay...)
Apparently all is well, when I push once more and Dr. Lloyd proclaims:
"Baby is out."
11:58 p.m.
Two minutes before my Step-dad's birthday.
What can I say, she wanted her own day.
She is beautiful, everything I imagined her to be and more.
She looks like her big sister, only with slightly smaller cheeks and lips.
Her head is perfectly round.
I bawl.
Hubbs bawls.
I think originally that her mouth is REALLY small, until I get these pictures back from Jon and see this one:
She has the same mouth as her brother and sister.
It is trademarked.
Dark hair. Tiny hands.
This post needs to be written.
I hate that it has taken so long.
It is so sacred, and so special that it needed me to have the time to put it down.
I will preface with the fact that I have an EXTREME case of
"pregnant brain" combined with sleep deprivation.
It is my hope I can remember the minutes of this day like they happened, and recall with full heart how I felt.
The Monday prior to Millz birth, I had an appointment with my doctor where he
"stretched my cervix".
Let's just leave it at this: That it hurt like a mother. And I left with his words ringing in my mind, "60-70% of women will begin labor within 48 hours."
On the way home I texted one of my besties.
She said, "You'll prolly be in the 30% that don't start labor huh?" She knew what I was thinking.
I went home that night uncomfortable, but with no signs that I would have this baby before my doctor was scheduled to leave for his vacation on Friday.
Tears.
I wanted nothing more than to have HIM there to deliver this sweet girl. I prayed hard, I cleaned my house,
I MOWED THE LAWN.
NADA.
So, the night before Millz was born, I was out photographing a beautiful friend of mine, Crystalyn.
Yes, nine months pregnant I was still shooting, but at that point, one only hopes and prays that any sort of physical activity will activate full blown labor.
It didn't.
I went home and had a hard time falling asleep.
I felt like CRAP.
I woke up the next morning still feeling just all around yucky, but not in "labor". Sure, I had contractions...just like the weeks before, every 3-30 minutes. Crystalyn called me that morning, just to say,
"I felt like I needed to call you and see how you are doing."
Because of her sweet call, and her urging me to go to the doctor, I started to think,
"Huh, maybe I am in labor?"
She proceeded to tell me,
"You know you feel like crap because: YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!"
I still laugh at that sentence.
Hindsight: She was right. At the moment: I was in denial.
I told her that I would indeed go into the hospital if I didn't start feeling better. The contractions kept coming and coming, but inconsistently, and I still felt like crapola.
I ran some errands with Hubbs, we got some lunch, then dropped the older kiddos off on the in-laws and we were off to the hospital, just to see what the heck was up and why I was feeling so icky.
We got to the hospital at 4:00 p.m.
It took what felt like forever to get to the L&D room for monitoring. Here, I was informed they would monitor me for an hour...see if I was progressing, if not then they would send me home.
BOO.
I was dilated to a 2+ when I came in. I could have cried (remember all the cervix stretching? A fancy term for "stripping of the membranes") Well when the nurse, Kathleen told me that I hadn't progressed since then...I CRIED. I knew the hour would be pointless...I felt dumb for even going into the hospital. I just wanted to turn around and leave. But I didn't...I stayed for the entire hour.
Kathleen came back in, checked me and I dilated 1/2 a centimeter. YES a half. They want you to dilate 1 centimeter an hour in order to keep you. Kathleen was SO sweet, and SO kind that she said,
"Well, how about if we keep you for one more hour? But if you don't dilate I will have to send you home because we are SUPER FULL."
Me: "Okay." All the time hoping and praying that SOMETHING would happen.
I took a few laps around the L&D floor. Hubbs was at a closing during this hour...so I was alone.
I had a lot of time to contemplate about this sweet baby girl. How I wanted to meet her, how I longed to have our Dr. Lloyd be there to deliver her, how I wanted Jon to be able to come and photograph her first perfect moments of life...
I prayed a lot that week...that things would line up and all would go perfectly, like I wanted it to.
After the second hour I went back to the room, and Kathleen checked me again. Dilated to a 3.5. BLAST. Only another 1/2 a centimeter? Things were happening but UBER slow. Kathleen said she was off to get some meds to send me home...assuring me I would be back within the day to have the baby.
She left the room, and there I was alone with baby in my belly, teary, praying.
I prayed and prayed and prayed.
The monitors were still on. Kathleen didn't come back.
She didn't come back for almost 45 minutes.
When she did come back in, she said,
"Well, I called the Doctor on call (not my doctor...frowny face) and he wants to keep you."
Me: "WHAT?!"
Kathleen had been monitoring me and apparently in the 45 minutes since she had gone my blood pressure had sky-rocketed. (As did the pain level of the contractions which were now coming every 3 minutes).
Dr. Barton wanted to keep me for fear I was becoming preeclamptic.
Even though I felt like garbage...I was having a baby...soon!
Remember when I said Heavenly Father loved me?
Well, He does. A LOT.
I was admitted at 7:00 p.m.
Got my epidural at 9:00 p.m. Alone. Had sent Hubbs home to shower and change
(hello these pictures were going to be eternally shot on FILM...he had to look good.)
Needless to say, big mistake and my contractions went crazy painful after they broke my water (just seconds BEFORE he left.)
I am a wuss but a thankful wuss that there is such wonderful things as epidurals.
Mmm, epidural.
At 10:00 p.m. dilated to a five. Had Hubbs call Jon.
(Even though Hubbs and Kathleen thought I was crazy...they both thought baby wouldn't come for 'quite some time'".)
Jon arrives within the hour:
Don't I look freaking hott for being 9 months pregnant?
(I meant that...really!)
The pitocin, combined with the epidural really sped things along.
Wanna know the cool part? Who ordered the pitocin?
Dr. Lloyd.
Yep, Dr. Barton called him and HE CAME IN!
To deliver Millz.
Tears.
Miracles.
Oh the hilarity when Dr. Lloyd came into check me and I introduced him to our friend Jon.
Dr. was like, "Uhm, do you want him to LEAVE?!"
Funny.
Recall the "hooha" dilemma?
Who cares?
Really?
Anyway, he checks me and I am like at a six. Feeling TOTALLY dumb for calling Jon.
So Hubbs, Jon and I talk for the next hour.
Here I am texting mrs. r so she can give the world the play by play via twitter and facebook.
Thanks Linds.
Also, making Leisha spend tons of money by sending her texts. Get a new plan already okay Leish?
As we are sitting there, the new nurse comes in and I tell her:
"I am feeling a lot of pressure...I think the baby is ready."
So she checks me, and YEP...Millz was ready.
10.
I pushed once.
The world stopped for a moment and the room went silent when we hear,
"The cord is around her neck."
(Okay...)
Apparently all is well, when I push once more and Dr. Lloyd proclaims:
"Baby is out."
11:58 p.m.
Two minutes before my Step-dad's birthday.
What can I say, she wanted her own day.
She is beautiful, everything I imagined her to be and more.
She looks like her big sister, only with slightly smaller cheeks and lips.
Her head is perfectly round.
I bawl.
Hubbs bawls.
I think originally that her mouth is REALLY small, until I get these pictures back from Jon and see this one:
She has the same mouth as her brother and sister.
It is trademarked.
Dark hair. Tiny hands.
I hear her weight: 7lbs 9 ounces.
I proclaim: "She is so small."
Dr. Lloyd informs me that she is not small.
I insist: "Small for ME, she is TINY".
And the following photo which makes me cry to this day and is the entire reason I wanted Jon there to capture this moment, and why everyone needs someone there to capture this moment:
My sweetheart and eternal companion. I love him.
The best daddy ever.
He adores her already.
She is perfect in every way.
Teary.
I proclaim: "She is so small."
Dr. Lloyd informs me that she is not small.
I insist: "Small for ME, she is TINY".
And the following photo which makes me cry to this day and is the entire reason I wanted Jon there to capture this moment, and why everyone needs someone there to capture this moment:
My sweetheart and eternal companion. I love him.
The best daddy ever.
He adores her already.
She is perfect in every way.
Teary.
I still do nothing but hold her.
I am the luckiest girl.
THE LUCKIEST.
All of my dreams have come true.
So will yours.
Keep hoping.
Never, never, never give up hope.
Never.
I am the luckiest girl.
THE LUCKIEST.
All of my dreams have come true.
So will yours.
Keep hoping.
Never, never, never give up hope.
Never.
Monday, August 17, 2009
3 point 5
3.5 weeks ago.
Wow. Time is flying, and yet at the same time it feels like she has been here forever.
She is familiar. We know her spirit. It is the same spirit that has been fighting to come here for over a year.
I feel a bit sad that I haven't been writing very much. I miss my friends via the blog world. I miss reading your posts and seeing your updates. There is this part of me that is so afraid of missing a moment that I just can't pull myself away from Millz, and away from my other kiddos.
I know in time that things will slowly go back to normal, but until then, I am not ready to give up the infinite amounts of time spent cuddling and holding this new little being.
As soon as I get the pics, I will tell you all about the day she was born.
(I can't wait to share.)
Until then? My phone is off.
I am hiding, and cuddling, and holding onto this time as much as I can.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Blame it on the hormones...
Image copyright Jonathan Canlas Photography...but when I got on facebook this morning, the tears began because I didn't expect to see a message from our friend Jon saying that:
these babies were online.
I cannot begin to describe what these photographs do to me.
Go here to see them put together into a beautiful story.
I love my job as a photographer.
I have had the opportunity to photograph two birth stories thus far in my journey.
After having my own birth photographed, I recommend it to EVERYONE.
I would be lying if I said I never had second thoughts about it.
I wasn't sure how I felt letting yet another person see my "hooha" (lol) but seeing these photographs, I could care less, and wish I could rewind time and have Jon there to capture the moments that J-Dawg and Memms entered the world.
The spirit that he captured in that tiny room, the moments of my sweet Hubbs watching his little girl are things that I would have never seen or experienced from my point of view and I thank Jon for capturing that for us in a way that is so beautiful and so sweet and so simple.
Teary, even as I write this, the feelings of that day are so strong in my heart and I know that Heavenly Father loves us so much and it was worth every tear, every heartache to get her here to us.
I encourage anyone to hire someone to capture this kind of special day through beautiful photography, you will never regret it.
If not me, well then you better be calling Jon to do it!
Thank you a million, zillion, billion times over and over Jon...and for coming so quickly after such a long day already.
Our hearts are full and so grateful.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The days are long, the nights are even longer...
...and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Enthralled with her. All three of them.
Hubbs can take pictures too! :)
Her first bath, I had lots of help, maybe a little too much. See the two sponges and the two different hands? Love it!
I feel like it has been a week since I last posted.
Still in a daze over here.
My apologies to all those who didn't get a personal text and or phone call announcing her arrival. That was Hubbs job, and well, if you have a husband you understand.
Off to nap now. Zzzzzzzz.
Enthralled with her. All three of them.
Hubbs can take pictures too! :)
Her first bath, I had lots of help, maybe a little too much. See the two sponges and the two different hands? Love it!
I feel like it has been a week since I last posted.
Still in a daze over here.
My apologies to all those who didn't get a personal text and or phone call announcing her arrival. That was Hubbs job, and well, if you have a husband you understand.
Off to nap now. Zzzzzzzz.
Monday, July 27, 2009
I've been a little busy...
...loving and cuddling on her.
I don't want to miss a moment.
I'll be back, sometime.
"Millz"
Born: July 22, 2009
Weight: 7 pounds 9 ounces
Length: 21.5 inches long
I don't want to miss a moment.
I'll be back, sometime.
"Millz"
Born: July 22, 2009
Weight: 7 pounds 9 ounces
Length: 21.5 inches long
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
