"Why One Should Never Blog While Under the Influence"

Proof:

Uhm, so I prolly should not be allowed to post EVER.

Especially not when having taken a mezcla of painkillers, antibiotics, and anti-depressants followed by a heaping amount of sleep deprivation.

Tee hee.

It wasn't until last night during my crazy dream frenzy (that I have nightly) that I dreamed I was at my aunts house going through the family pictures.
FAMILY PICTURES?!
What?
Oh ya, a month ago almost!
I. Took. Our. Extended. Family. Pictures.
We got dressed up for it and EVERYTHING!
You would think I would remember putting makeup and clothes on. Apparently it wasn't eventful enough.

I rushed down here to my computer, and much to my relief there was a family picture,
and it is actually fairly cute.
(Thanks Jill.)

I can die a happy woman.

If you are wondering what the H I am talking about, please read the previous drug induced post...and laugh, like I just did.

Lunatic. See?

Help Bec Win a GIG! Pretty Please?

Can you guys go vote for my friend?

Pretty pretty please with sugar on top?

Vote by hitting the purple button to the left of the blue butterfly.

Click here to vote!

Bec is one of my favorite people in the entire world and was my first "REAL" friend.
Oh how I love her and oh how she deserves to win this gig.

Huggs and thank you!

Loving and missing her...

Moosh in Indy a.k.a My BFFIRL

Loving this post from her.
Thank you Casey.

Go read her blog and enter her giveaway.

Wow.

I will reiterate that I have some of THE best friends in the entire world.

Pupil, is one of them. She comes over weekly to my house, with agenda in hand and we meet about adoption, we discuss adoption...among other things. She is the one who encouraged me to post every day for the month of November about adoption. Funny, when I woke up this morning and checked my blog almost around noon, I came and there were 21 comments. I was like, "WHAT?!" I didn't think the post was THAT grand...so I started reading comment after comment, then I got to anonymous...and then I saw mrs. r's comment, and then comment after comment from people I have met, most I have not...and tears rolled down my cheeks when I realized that these people had read the comment long before I had, they were on a mission to not let one person hurt another one of our sisters...sisters in blogland, sisters in infertility, sisters in adoption...

Every word in her post struck me...right down to the irony. She was at my home when I was writing the "Are you there God?" post. It was a tag team post. Brilliantly thought up and wonderfully executed. As I wrote it, I said over my shoulder, "You know what happened the last time I posted something this deep..." Well, I was so hurt and so crushed that I deleted the blog I had had for over a year. How utterly sad that was. How could I let one person dictate who I was?

Well, it won't happen this time. As you can see...just like me, there are HUNDREDS, and THOUSANDS of women and men who suffer with this particular trial.

You know what? The past three years of wanting another child have taught me, to love more deeply, to cherish EVERY moment because they are so fleeting. To suggest for even a moment that I am not thankful and grateful for what I have been given, it only proves that the person who tried to hurt me does not know me. Every night before I go to bed I spend a large amount of time by the bedside of my children. I hold their hands, I sweep the hair from their little faces, I cover them up...I kiss their cheeks. I recognize and realize that they may be the only children I ever get to have. I kneel down and thank my Father in Heaven for them, and because of the joy I have in them, that is the reason I want to be a mother again.

I want to thank EACH of you for your love and support yesterday. It meant so much to me. It brought tears to my eyes. Every comment touched my heart, if any of you are struggling through something similar, I encourage you to take the time to read each comment, because there is strength in not feeling alone. I will leave you with one particular comment that touched my heart especially, and in keeping with the spirit of the posting this month, I think it is perfect. Thank you Ashley.

I totally understand where you're coming from.I have a daughter through adoption.

I don't want another baby yet.

I am not ready to face my "broken" body again.

I want to feel normal.

I want to have just something, ANYTHING happen without a million pieces of drama, an ordeal or having to lay out my entire life history to the world.

I hate having no privacy.

I hate the fact that the events surrounding the birth of my daughter, and the 45 days afterwards, were spent in fear and pain, not joy. We never talk about it.

I hate the loss of the other children I'd hoped for. I had also envisioned myself with kids in a pew; four, to be exact. But it looks like two may be our limit. That kills me.

I hate that people don't try to understand. That you're told, "Be grateful." It's like being told, after losing your leg, to be grateful for the other one. It's not that you aren't grateful for your leg, your arms and every other appendage you've been given, but you still miss the lost leg.

Having to once again face your own infertility is just another reminder that you're a freak. You can't do what God designed you to do. If you can't produce children, then what good is having the instincts? It's being reminded of all the hopes and dreams you have had to let go of, ones you've probably had since you were a girl.

I love my daughter. I couldn't love her more if I'd made her out of playdough myself. I celebrate her adoption and I give myself major props for being able to pull off an adoption at the age of 24. But I still mourn that I couldn't feel her kick inside of me, I couldn't share seeing her for the first time with my husband. I couldn't look at her for months without feeling guilt and pain for her birth mother.

I would love to share the joy of being pregnant with my family.

And I mourn that I may not be able to.

And that's what makes me totally normal.

Howdy!

****Edited to note that not ONE hour after writing this post, in Breaking Dawn, the author uses the term "freak show". It is about half way through the book. Seriously she used the term FREAK SHOW to describe one of the characters. Just so you know. I could be an amazing author too. Oh and don't you know it...i will totally write about this book when I am done with it. My top thoughts right now are "What the 'H'? Fer reals."

So we are away for a few days. Visiting family. We had a long drive yesterday. It feels so good to be away, to be with Hubbs' family, and to not have to worry about laundry, dishes, schedules, work, and all the other obligations of life.

It is nice to hug the kidlets all day...cuddle up close at night and watch movies...all the good things that seem to get put on the back burner sometimes.

I started reading the last book in the Twilight series. I read it all day yesterday. I never thought I would blog about these books. I'm not one to really follow the 'trends'...so when the books started becoming popular, it took me some convincing to start reading them. I have to say, I really didn't get into the first book much, and honestly it took halfway through the second to get me REALLY into them. Now, I am halfway through the fourth and final book, and I'm not so sure how I am feeling about it. I wish I could do all sorts of spoilers...but geeze. That is all I will say about that for now. Just wondered how others were feeling about it?

I had another freaking weird dream last night. (Pills? Exhaustion? Stress?) I'm holding out for that movie deal that Lace promised. LOL. So, last night's dream was a freak show. (I attribute it to reading Breaking Dawn.)

Anyway, we are off for a day of fun and excitement. Holla! And hopefully a nap. I am beat already and it is only nine in the morning!

Dood, seriously...some stuff:

The dreams? They won't quit. Seriously? SERIOUSLY!!!

I could start an ENTIRE blog about the dreams I am having. Maybe I should...maybe I could make money off of them and people could theif them and make them into made for tv movies or something.

For instance, the other night, I SWEAR I was dreaming for hours. I had this dream that this birth mother Ami...yes in my dream her name was AMI with an "I" had chosen our little family. Upon meeting Ami and her incredibly well to do family, she informs me that she cannot stand my "1985" lingo...of "Dude" and she asked me to never say "Dudette" or anything from the eighties era ever again. She was really nice about it. I just felt really, really sad. Ami was six months pregnant, and we went with her to the ultrasound. She was having a boy...but for the life of me now I can't remember what we decided to name him. We went through the motions of meeting her family...etc...etc...I got the feeling that she really couldn't stand us...yet she loved us all at the same time. Then, I was awakened and who knows what happened after that.

So strange...and so funny. I am going to write them down for all of you to enjoy.

Also...WHY after I make the decision to quit photographing weddings, do I feel I just shot one of my best weddings EVER? Um, ya I hope that the bride and groom think so...cause there is some amazing stuff I've had to make myself STOP editing. LOL!

And quit already with the RUNNING compliments. I don't post for you to compliment. (Although I WILL admit that it keeps me going...because I HAVE to finish this race...because you are all counting on me to do it!) Seriously, I am a strong believer that almost anyone can do it. You just have to work up to it. It IS mental...and it sucks. I basically hate it...don't know WHY the heck I am doing it...right now it is just working for me....so I keep at it...maybe not forever...but for now it is a part of me.

Can't Sleep.

It is an insane hour of the morning. I took a REALLY long nap "yesterday" afternoon, I think this is my problem. I wanted to ask you guys:

Do you ever have really vivid and intense dreams?

I wouldn't consider myself a dreamer. I dream on occasion, (well enough to remember I suppose). It is very rare and few and far between. This last week though...EVERY night I have had INTENSE dreams. I wake up feeling EXHAUSTED, like I need to sleep the moment I awake.

The dreams have been about a lot of different things. Some were about LJ...some were about his mom. Others were about work...last night I dreamt we had a baby...and I kept losing the baby. (As in...where did I put the baby? Why isn't the baby in the crib...even when the baby was in my arms...the next moment the baby was gone.)

I know this probably seems really easy to decipher. I am probably just dreaming out the stress of the last little while. Honestly? I haven't been more at peace and happier in a really LONG time with my life. I just don't get the dreaming. A week people. Every night. Has this ever happend to you?