Winner! Winner!

The winner of the giveaway can be found HERE!

Death. Bed. (Surgery blows and other such nonsense.)

Hi.

Sorry I have been gone.
Mostly I have been sleeping, interspersed occasionally with bouts of work
I probably shouldn't have been doing.
(Got reprimanded on Friday. Awesome.)

I am on the mend.
It will be three weeks tomorrow, and all being told, I am feeling better day by day.

The lovely Leisha came with mrs. r to comfort me and to bring me goodies that I couldn't eat. (bless them) Leisha also brought with her a camera. Gotta love that camera.
Proof of my awesomeness.

Here is a picture of me after puking my brains out in front of another human being
(something I try to avoid).

The IV which inevitably turns into a bruise the size of Rhode Island (I still have one from when I had Millz.)

I like to call this one, "To avoid blood clots".
Which won out highly over, "I feel like my grandmother."



mrs. r gives me an arm massage as I drift in and out of dilirium.



So, anyway, back to the surgery. I was in the hospital for about two days, I went home early because I wanted the catheter out and to be off of the O2 and to eat human food.
(a decision I kind of regretted later...)

We got to the hospital at 8.

I signed in on a little kiosk just like at the airport self check-in. Then they gave me a pager like you get at restaurants. You know the kind that buzz when your table is ready.

I wasn't sure what to think.
As mrs. r put it, it was like battle of the 80's awesomeness between pagers and hairnets.

Not sure which was the cooler part of the day.

It seems on days I look my ugliest, I get the cutest of nurses and or doctors caring for me. There was a pretty cute nurse-in-training tagging along before the surgery...
eye candy is always nice when you are about to go under.

(Don't worry Hubbs was there with me, and I inform him when I find someone attractive.)
Please note I find Hubbs very attractive.
A post for another day.

As they wheeled me into surgery the last thing I remember was some old male nurse asking to
"trade your pants for a warm blanket."
Hmm.

That was around 9:00 a.m. The next time I can adequately recall remembering my eyes functioning and working with my brain was around 2:00 p.m.

I was so worried I wouldn't be able to see any of my kids for three days...especially little Millz who is still breastfeeding.

My doctor is awesome.

After much persuasion and going up the chain of authority, he claims he finally talked to Obama and he gave the okay to have Millz come into the hospital.

He said it had something to do with health care reform and trying to get a higher rating as prez.
(Meh.)

It was nice however to have her come in later that night to be with me for awhile, it wasn't without a fight. In my drunken state of anesthesia and morphine to the spine I can recall some hobbit type looking nurse with really short arms trying to convince me that my baby would die of "Swine Flu" if we brought her in...lol.

Then the really cool OBGYN...who is almost ready to have her own practice (love her if ya'll need a referral in a few years) came in and I told her how un-accomodating everyone was being...and she put the smack down, saying "Your doctor has it HUGE on your chart that you are a new mom and that your baby has the okay to be here!"
(empowered...I obliged and loved and cuddled my baby.)

The surgery went well. I had my post op last week and things are looking good.

Benign.

That is ALWAYS a good word in my opinion.

The surgery went really well, they were able to keep most of my ovary.

So another four weeks of recovery before I am released back to my full schedule of motherly, wifely, and photographer duties...and all will be well.

How am I feeling?

TIRED

What was it like?

Like having a c-section three months after having a baby.
(or so I am told by my doctor)

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts, prayers, flowers, cards, food and love sent our way.

We needed it.

I needed it.

(Hopefully my posts will make more sense after my recovery...still feeling grade-a dopey!)

I survived.

(The last hospital stay was WAY cooler.)

Very, very tired, and beat.

Will return soon.

Funny, after two days with my doctor,
he almost has me convinced that we should have another baby.

Thanks for all your prayers.
Just wanted to check in and let you know they are working.

Exhausted.

Today, although crazy has been a great day.

I have been going on four hours of sleep.
(Never a good thing in my opinion.)
I will happily run on so little if it means I get to snuggle this cutie pie for hours on end.

Sick. Baby.

No. Fun.

I spent the morning at my doctor's office going over my surgery tomorrow.

Then ran home to pick up baby to take her to her doctor (note both doctors are not far from each other but hecka far from my house...).

Lots of car time.

Had to take Millz to PCMC to have some labs run, because she is so little and has a fever, and a super gaggy cough. They want to know why.

Happily as of this evening when her doctor called, there is nothing too alarming.
No H1N1...no really anything. Strange.

P.S. Dear H1N1: I hate you H1N1.
(I won't get to see my kids for almost three days because of you! You blow.)
(Hospital policy...I am sure you all have the same thing around your area too. No visitors under 14 years!)

Off to have surgery tomorrow.

I will blog from my hospital room afterward to let you all know I survived it and that no one is getting my organs donated to them...tomorrow anyway.

Inside joke.

Huggs and loves to all!

I almost forgot!

If you want to make me SUPER happy, come to a boutique this weekend.

M'ladies will be there selling our necklaces, and debuting our new adoption related baby goodies and running shirts.

Wait, was I suppose to say that?
Well, go and see for yourself. The cat's out of the bag.

Deets:

The Belle Boutique
At Magnolia Grove Reception Center
1117 west South Jordan Parkway (106th south)
Friday and Saturday
10:00-4:00 p.m.

(Totally bummed I won't see you.)

Funk

In a funk the last day or two.

Not sure why, but then again, I do know.

Having a cystic tumor removed at the end of the month.

Not sure what all will come out with it.

I have my pre-op appointment the day before the surgery.

I say surgery because of the nature of this "thing" I have to have it incised...meaning it can't be done via laparoscopy.
That I have had before. This? NO. CLUE.

Nervous about the recovery. Nervous because my husband has no time off. Nervous because it puts me out of work for the entire holiday season.

This kind of put me into a tailspin funk.
Last time I 'went under' I was so hyped up on emotion and basically I was in shock I didn't have time to THINK about it.
This time?
I have three weeks to stress and stew over it.
I knew it was coming, that isn't a surprise.
I have known for 30 some odd weeks it was coming.

I just don't want to deal with it.

Good news?
These types of tumors are usually benign.
Not worried about cancer or anything at this point.

Just the fact I am having to THINK about my womanly self in any fashion just has me reeling.

It has consumed most of my adult life.
The pain has slowly returned and leaves me angry and upset.
Part of me wishes and hopes and begs my doc to rip it all out.
The other part of me knows it is probably not for the best.
It doesn't mean I won't try to convince him otherwise.

Funk.

Thank goodness for Prozac, I don't know where I would be today without it.

Thankful the parts worked well three times.
Thank you parts.
(I am aware that some people's parts don't work at all. For this reason I am thankful. But...)
...Parts...I still hate you.

News

(Be assured there are LOTS of pictures of the other kids too. Those to come soon.)

Blogging here today.

Go and feel inspired.

Just kidding about that Maternity Leave...having surgery the end of the month.

Deets to follow.

On the Mend...

...firstly, this eye is all better.
Thankfully.

She banged it up pretty badly, it was bruised all underneath.
The culprit?
No...not me silly, her
"Olhe!...Po'tock...yeeeee'haaaaww!".

Good times right?

Also,
I
am on the mend.

Was on my death bed Saturday night and Sunday morning.
Feeling 85% today.

My sweet doctors, both over the phone and the one I saw at the InstaCare
(they wanted me to go to the ER...what was THAT about?)
both were 90% certain I had this crazy H1N1.

I am not as convinced since I am feeling almost tip top now.
But alas, they gave me the Tamiflu and now I am great.

My concern?
The

103.7 degree

fever I had on Saturday night, which prompted the InstaCare visit the next day.

No one wants a boiled Millz.
Especially
me.

So long story short,
Tamiflu,
Lortab,
and a blessing,
I am well.

My family?
Just as blessed.

Now for this, when I have the baby this will stop and I will cry for days I am sure. She recounts on her fingers who every member of our family is. In this top photo, that is ME...in the bottom photo...

...that is Millz.

Get it?

Have a fab week ya'll, wash your hands.

M.I.A

I never meant for the past month to go by like it did.
I meant to be here, blogging as usual, but time and life and
emotions slipped away from me as it sometimes does.

The month of May 2009
has been an amazing one.
One full of journeys and introspection.
It has also been one of being stuck on the outside looking in on people I love who are hurting and suffering, with no way of helping, except to say,
"I love you."
"That sucks more than anything." or
"I am here for you...whatever you may need."

In an effort to try to jump back into my blog, and to actually give you something worth reading and coming here for...here I am.
Hi.
I missed you.
I missed my blog.
My heart is still extremely heavy. Such is life, and somehow we must push forward and find what wonderful things are waiting for us.

Lots have been asking, (oh how I hate...no no...DETEST drawing attention to myself.)
Weird right? Considering this is MY. BLOG.
But it is true. I am shy, and would rather stay in the shadows...
but as per your request this was me and "Millz" (code name for blogging purposes) a month ago at six months.
Millz is a girl. I thought I made that clear? Some of you didn't know.
We are THRILLED, (Although Hubbs is still freaking a little at having two girls to take care of).
This little girl has been waiting A. LONG. TIME. to come to our family, and we have been waiting for her to FINALLY be on her way. FER REALZ!
Only 8-10 more weeks.
Squee!



Puffy and slouchy...oooo SO hawt. (Photo Courtesy of Hubbs May 3, 2009)



Here is my stunning Grammy and me the day my Papa passed away. Don't we look amazing? This lady just had hip replacement! A week after Papa's funeral. Isn't she bomb? Love you so much Grandma...and eat up on those Hershey bars okay?



The last picture of Grandpa. Hubbs took this one (that is why it sucksalicious...you know I love you baby...I am teasing, TEASING).
At first I really hated it...but now I love it.
I love my kids contemplating eternal life.
I love remembering the feeling in that room, although it was heartbreaking, it was very very spiritual.
So glad he is in a better place.
Love you Papa.



And one I took of my little man. Oh how I love him. He is my joy and my buddy.

Hope you are all having a wonderful week.
I am hoping you are all getting away for this Memorial weekend.
We were going to go to New Mexico, but seeing how blasted hot it is here, I am personally skipping out going into EXTREME temps.
Going to the pool today...and sleeping in ALL WEEKEND LONG!

What are your plans?

Blue Lemon = Deliciousness

Last week I had the AWESOME opportunity to go to dinner at the FABULOUS

Blue Lemon Bistro

nestled in the foothills of gorgeous Alpine, Utah.






Just the logo makes my mouth water.



I was SO lucky to have been invited to this grand opening of the Blue Lemon with one of my gorgeous BFF's...and also a TON of really neat blogging ladies. I canNOT wait to get them all on my sidebar for my reading pleasure. It was so much fun getting to know them over such delicious food.



Look at the details on these dishes. This was a salmon dish. It looked SO good.



This is what I ordered. I love me a good BLT and this one was a
Lemon-Lime Grilled Chicken BLT.
It did not disappoint.



Here is mrs. r sampling the delicious "acai" berry smoothie. (Like all good things, the acai berry is from Brasil just like Hubbs. Need I say more?) If you haven't sampled acai (pronounced a-sai) it tastes (to me) a lot like fig. It is really good for you. Try it sometime.



So as we wound up the evening we took a photo of the aftermath. I HAVE to tell you about the MOST delicious soup I have ever had. So delicious in fact that YESTERDAY I took J-dawg on a date to the Blue Lemon JUST so I could have another bowl...mmmmmmm

Tomato Bisque. Go, if not for anything else but this, it is D-vine.

J-Man ordered the spaghetti and gave it two thumbs up. He ate it all gone!

Loving the mac and cheese. I got some take-out for Memms and ate almost all of it myself. (Shh, don't tell she didn't notice.)



Here is a pic of me (and a 21 week old Millz) as we toured the lovely restaurant. I had no idea I would match the decor so beautifully.

And beautiful and modern it is! The table tops are a scruptious sparkly blue. They SPARKLE...could be the best thing ever. Intermixed are some gorgeous chocolate brown tables as well.



mrs. r in front of the dessert. The thing I love about Blue Lemon is that they support other local businesses and bakers in the area, from their bread to their yummy cupcakes.



I NEED one of these RIGHT NOW.



There is a lovely little coffee and smoothie shop open early for breakfast.



Oh, and HOW cool is THIS? They offer cooking classes! For adults AND kids. You better believe my kids will be enrolling this summer.



The ice...it is divinity...it is that "pebble-like" ice that they have at hospitals. Mmmm. And these Blue Sky drinks are au-naturale. Loved the Wild Raspberry.

Blue Lemon is extremely green. Their soda cups and take out are all COMPOSTABLE. YES you heard me...the plastic is made out of: Get this: CORN.

BOMB.

So, needless to say I am addicted. I can't wait for Lychelle (the beautiful owner who is not only a birth mother, BUT also a NEW adoptive mother...perfection right?) to open up one near our house. Hear that Chelle? I will even take one at The District if you are wondering.

I am stealing this creative goodness from Kami (also, guess what? She is an adoptive mom, so cool right?) over at no biggie. (Thank Kami!)

The Awesome (and gorg) Blogging Ladies:


Jyl of Mom It Forward
Rachael of Today's Mama
Emily of Georgia Tees
Kelsey of Vanilla Joy
Lindsey of Cafe Johnsonia
Kim of Simply Me
Courtney from Your Heart Out
Vanessa of I Never Grew Up
Carina of The Jet Set
Liz of Say Yes To Hoboken
Stephanie of stephmodo
Marie of Make and Takes
Kami of No Biggie

mrs. r of The R House

Allison of Petit Elefant

One Year, and Miracles

Bear with me, this will be a long post...

I am not sure why, but even as I sit here, vomitous chunks arise in my throat.



It has been one year since we lost our last baby. One year since my family almost lost me.

I am trembling just even thinking about it. I don't want to think about it.
I don't want to relive it.

For those of you new here, if you don't know the story, you can read all about it here.

How do you move on from something so terrible?

Well, somehow you do. You take it one day at a time, and as I look over to the right of my computer, you can also take it one hole in the wall at a time like I did. You can drop the f-bomb a million times a day, and cry your eyes out until they bleed because they are so tired from crying.

Then you get up, dust yourself off, and try again. Or in our case, try multiple times again and again and get burned...but that is another post for another day.

We miss Peanut. We miss the little spirit that might have been. We think about him/her often. How close we were to finding out what we were having. What joy we had in anticipation. What sadness we felt.

It is common consensus around here that Peanut was/is a boy. So from now on we refer to Peanut as such. This makes J-dawg thrilled because he knows someday he will have a little brother.

(He, on his own accord brings this up regularly. As he was old enough to know and understand when the loss occurred.)

We think of 2008 as a great growing and learning experience here at our house.

We are thankful to have had LJ in our home during this time, even though at the time I wasn't sure why he would come the day before such tragedy would strike our home and our heart. I am not sure why weeks later we would be chosen to be scammed by a "birth mother". Why two months later we would be chosen by another birth mother, only to feel so good and confirming about that situation, to have it fall apart just as quickly. All I know is that, all of these things have been for our good. They have strengthened us, made us quicker to love, less likely to judge, and more ready to help those who are struggling through similar circumstances.

My heart is full.

I can't believe I can sit here and write that after a year.

A heart that was so broken and empty and angry can write that it is now full. Do I have all of the answers to "Why?" no. Do I wish that we hadn't had to endure what we did? I can honestly say now, that no. I am glad we did, for it made us stronger.

Early last fall after I bawled for 45 minutes on the phone to one of my best friends as I travelled to vacation with my family, I realized I had reached my breaking point.

It was around this same time that Hubbs and I decided (maybe more "I" decided...not sure) that if nothing happened for our little family's growth by December of 2008
we were going to throw in the fertility towel, throw in the adoption towel, and
move on with our lives.
Those five months were torture to my soul. One of my good friends asked me, "If this is so hard for you, why are you giving yourself a deadline?" The only answer I could come up with is that I needed to move on from this era of my life, my children needed their mother back, not the crazy shell of a woman that had replaced her. For three years we had been trying to get another child into our home...enough was enough wasn't it? So while it killed me to do it, I knew it was the answer...and in some ways I looked forward to the new year, to our little family, just us, to a new beginning.

Well, let me stop here for a moment and introduce you to someone.





Meet Millz

She is a little shy, this being her first "public" blog post and all.

She has heard that whenever her mom posts exciting news to her blog something tragic happens. She has reassured me a thousand times that this time will be different. But even as I tell you this, I feel like running into the other room to throw up (and that has nothing to do with being pregnant). She even assures me that I will get to wrap her up in the new blankets she HAD to have from Target (she is starting already), and that she can't wait to share a room with her big sister. She is also looking forward to the "rubberband gun lesson" that J-Dawg promised to give her when she gets bigger. I am holding on to her faith because I think she is closer to the Big Guy right now than I could ever be. :)

Heavenly Father works in a mysterious way. I don't suggest you give him a deadline, because just as you start getting comfortable with the way your new life will be, he will throw you a curve ball. A miraculous, beautiful curve ball, good thing I am good at bat.

We found out in December (can you believe it?) that this sweet baby would be joining our family.

We told no one.

I don't think we even told ourselves. Hubbs and I just walked around the house like, "Word." and "Holla." And that was that.

Why?

Well, because for the first three months there was intermittent bleeding and spotting. If I had a session, it was the death of me, I would bleed for days. At first I didn't even believe I was pregnant because well, Aunt Flow came to visit a few days early. I even blogged about being THANKFUL that she had. So silly of me.

I spent the first four months on the couch. SICK...SICK...SICK...and worried that if I did "too much" I would lose this baby too. I was so so so afraid to hope.

When I saw the doctor at 8 weeks, I saw the heartbeat via ultrasound. Even that didn't suffice. We told our kiddos at week 17. We finally told family around week 18. We had our ultrasound at week 20.

I am now at week 22.

You would think that I would be feeling better about things. I am faithful, I am extremely hopeful. I can't imagine that this would end badly as well. Would I be broken and lost if it did? Probably for a time. Would I eventually move on and learn? Most definitely. For now, I am taking it one day at a time. We, as a family are taking it one day at a time. It is maddening. It is hard to function, to just let go and let what will be, BE...but I can't. So each day is spent in agonizing worry, worry until I feel her move, worry until I see the doctor again. I wish it wasn't so. For this reason I didn't want to blog about it. But tonight, as I thought about Peanut, as I thought about all of the other babies that were to have been, I think how happy and excited I was for each and every one of them, and how this sweet girl deserves that too. She deserves to hear the happiness and congratulations from my friends. She deserves to be welcomed and wished for and hoped for.

Despite my heart.
My crazy, crazy heart.

This is our last shot. We found out at our ultrasound that I may be having surgery shortly after the baby is born (she is due July 30). They found a cystic tumor on my right ovary that they are watching and will remove after she makes her arrival. We will let you know more when we know more. This has shaken me a bit. Not sure what to think...I may end up "wombless" by the end of the year. Tee hee...one can only hope to not have periods ever again. I have a great doctor. I have a great Hubband. We are in good hands all around. We are in the Master's Hands.

With great trial cometh the blessings.

We are counting ours each and every day.

Inspired.

And teary.

Budget, Fudget, Mo Mudget...

Oh how I hate thee...let me count the ways. Oh wait, this post isn't about that. It is suppose to be about the "freedom" I am feeling with my budget. (Cough, cough, lie, lie.)

But 'fer realz' people let me educate you on the ways of my last month of budgeting.

It all started when the economy started going all crazy like. My husband, well, you know he helps people find and sell houses. He loves his job. He is THE best at it. With the economy the way it is, and with all of the mortgage lenders going kaput and struggling, it has really hurt the housing industry hard. That goes for all the little people involved too, from plumbers to electricians, etc. So, so, so sad really. :( Frowny face.

So, Hubbs and I sad down and had THE. TALK. The talk we have had for eight years. The one that inevitably tells me that I can no longer visit Target. The one that I know means I can no longer "wander" aimlessly through Wal-mart for hours while "grocery shopping". Ug. It came down to this: "Do you want our kids to have a roof over their heads?"

Cry. Cry. Cry. Commence me FREAKING...and realizing that something had to be done. (I didn't have the best spending habits, if I saw something I wanted or THOUGHT I needed, well heck I bought it. This included luxuries large and small.) This also brought up the fact that my business was in fact helping our family in little ways, and that for us to be able to stay in our home, I would have to stop giving such great deals to everyone. Which is SO hard for me because I photograph for the love, but now I MUST photograph for the need. I feel SO blessed at this time to have this gift, that it is blessing my family enough to put food on the table while hubby scraps up enough to pay our house payment. (You all know how this is though, because WE ARE ALL FEELING THE CRUNCH!)



Anyway, back to the positive of my budgeting.

For a little over a month, I have been on THE strictest budget EVER. I won't go into details as I believe finances are very personal, and each family is different, and no one can truly understand how someone gets from point a to point b. I just hope to inspire someone else out there who had my same PROBLEM of over-spending and 'retail therapy'. Oh how many days did I walk the isles of Target to soothe my fat butt and aching heart?

BUT GUESS WHAT?!!! In the past month I have been able to:

• Not walk into a store unless I know exactly why I am walking in, what I am going to buy and if I even need to buy anything.
• I have discovered how amazingly and totally awesome the Salvation Army store by my house is. Dood, guys, it is AWESOME!
• I have probably saved my family $1000.00. I am not joking. Not.
• Shot 10 sessions before the month is through.
• Without realizing it, I haven't taken my anti-depressant for TWO WEEKS.
• And best of all, remember this? I finally saw that EXACT same number again this week. It has been FOUR months. I am proud.
• We got a FRONT YARD. (Post to come...post to come.)

Coincidence? I think not. I think there is something truly powerful to be said about being in control of one's life. I am happy. Striving to live my religion has blessed us tremendously as well. Tithing has always been SUPER important to us, and now I feel we are seeing a blessing in our lives for having always paid it.

There are times when of course I feel like a slave to my pocketbook. I am sad when I can't just join my friends out to eat all the time. But, I am happier, my kids are happier. And of course, HUBBS is happier. :)

Just when I was thinking...

...things could not get worse.

I booked my amazing and talented friend and photographer Jon for this.

And our car breaks down this afternoon.

The timing.

I had to e-mail him back like the loser I am and cancel. My heart is breaking.

So all of our 'extra' money has to go to that.

I could just crawl into a ball and bawl.

Enough is enough already.

ENOUGH!
SO, instead of wallowing in my own self pity...(which I am terrible at anyway and it is SO unattractive) let's do something to help NieNie and her family since I can't do it on my own. I have no money, but do have time...and perhaps someone else out there does have money.

A one hour photography session with ME (up to six people). And an 11x14 inch print from your session. And...AND...AND...a full resolution version of the images from your session on DVD.

HOW?!

BID.

Bid in the comment section. I will leave this post up for two days and close it. The highest bidder will donate the winning bid to NieNie and her family via their Paypal account and send me a copy of the Paypal receipt.

Have fun.

All the training comes down to this...

We had our annual physical exams. Don't get all excited...LUCKILY for me I didn't have to complete "the" exam...I got lucky and get to wait a few more months...YAY!

But it was an exam complete with blood work and urinalysis to make sure I don't have cancer, thyroid problems (dang it...wish there was some excuse this weight is sticking), or high cholesterol. Luckily (again) for me everything is A-OK! For this I am thankful. Our doctor was SUPER kind to me. He was VERY encouraging, he said my weight is great, my blood workup is great, and to just keep up the RUNNING! He encouraged me to try to run a marathon...he is just so impressed with what I have been accomplishing, he just said I need to drag Hubbs out with me more often...

So, anyway, tomorrow is THE BIG DAY!

Got my amphipod, my gu, and my new running shoes...and of course my HOTT homemade tank...ready to go. Pictures to follow.

Love you all, thanks for the encouragement, can't wait to see how many hours it takes me. (Pretty sure it will be at least three!) That is my goal anyway.

See you at the finish line!

Training...really righteous and totally gnarly.

So someone asked what the training for this "half marathon" was. Well, I have been following

THIS PLAN

It is for a novice. Considering I am a novice, meaning I have NEVER EVER EVER ran more than a mile WILLINGLY...this was the perfect way to start.

If I can survive this...I may attempt this. I figure I am halfway there, so I might as well try, even if I have to crawl my way down.

But that means I will need to do this. And well, to be honest, that 20 mile run on my own is a little freaky.

You have to understand that I HAVE to take walking breaks. Which means that I am not "running" the ENTIRE time I am out. I do however try to beat my times from the previous day or week, which means that as time goes on, I am running more and more. I have a longer endurance, when really all I could run at first was MAYBE half a mile without feeling like I was going to die when I first started this journey.

Also, I hate to keep hashing this...but I have not lost a SINGLE pound or a SINGLE inch. Haven't. Really. I have actually gained...ready for this? FOUR pounds. Muscle? Maybe. Am I happy about it? Not one bit. It is quite discouraging for me. I started this journey with the hopes of shedding a few inches...and it has been almost two months and I am just feeling yucko when I look in the mirror.

BUT, I am happy with the person I have become. I happy that my body is doing something that I never gave it credit for. And for that...I am SMILING!

Good luck you guys...you should try it. I think you'll digg it. And it is radical.

Dood, seriously...some stuff:

The dreams? They won't quit. Seriously? SERIOUSLY!!!

I could start an ENTIRE blog about the dreams I am having. Maybe I should...maybe I could make money off of them and people could theif them and make them into made for tv movies or something.

For instance, the other night, I SWEAR I was dreaming for hours. I had this dream that this birth mother Ami...yes in my dream her name was AMI with an "I" had chosen our little family. Upon meeting Ami and her incredibly well to do family, she informs me that she cannot stand my "1985" lingo...of "Dude" and she asked me to never say "Dudette" or anything from the eighties era ever again. She was really nice about it. I just felt really, really sad. Ami was six months pregnant, and we went with her to the ultrasound. She was having a boy...but for the life of me now I can't remember what we decided to name him. We went through the motions of meeting her family...etc...etc...I got the feeling that she really couldn't stand us...yet she loved us all at the same time. Then, I was awakened and who knows what happened after that.

So strange...and so funny. I am going to write them down for all of you to enjoy.

Also...WHY after I make the decision to quit photographing weddings, do I feel I just shot one of my best weddings EVER? Um, ya I hope that the bride and groom think so...cause there is some amazing stuff I've had to make myself STOP editing. LOL!

And quit already with the RUNNING compliments. I don't post for you to compliment. (Although I WILL admit that it keeps me going...because I HAVE to finish this race...because you are all counting on me to do it!) Seriously, I am a strong believer that almost anyone can do it. You just have to work up to it. It IS mental...and it sucks. I basically hate it...don't know WHY the heck I am doing it...right now it is just working for me....so I keep at it...maybe not forever...but for now it is a part of me.

Changing our Style!

(Too bad these photos suck! They were shot on ISO 100,000,000! I wondered why I was getting such great shutter speeds.)

So, while I was in Chicago, I read this FANTASTIC article in LDS Living Magazine. (Another Guilty Pleasure of mine) Anyway, in the mag it talked about ways to change your life, to change how you feel about your body, about YOU! One of the topics of this article was asking a lot of questions like, "Do you make a list of healthy foods and meals before you go to the grocery store? Do you buy and then prepare the meals for your family?" I thought this was BRILLIANT! I talk until I am BLUE in the face about how I wish I was thinner...how I wish we ate better. Well, I realized it wasn't going to happen unless I MADE IT HAPPEN! I was bound and determined when I got home I would do this with my family.

So, since I was so FREAKING sick last week, I'll admit we ate out a lot and my kids survived on snacks a lot...it was all I could do for a few days to lift my head off the pillow! Last Saturday I went to the grocery store and stocked up on all stuff GOOD. And I have been making meals! Then, low and behold I read this on Tara Whitney's blog! Now, my photos DO NOTHING in comparison with hers...but I have had these "school" trays around forever...wondering what the "H" I was going to use them for. Tara...you are a GENIUS!

Yes...that IS Emmaree eating a carrot! And she ate BROCCOLI. Now, if I can just convince Joth to do the same, we'd be good. Anyway...we totally snacked while we made dinner, and I felt no guilt at only having carbs and protein on our plates. We're rockin' it over here at our house!

By the way...I began training today again for that half marathon that is coming up. Hubby expressed an interest...and now I have him on board! We ran 2 miles...and almost died...but we did it!

Today was a great day.