Getting Results

***Originally posted to the Shredding with Simply Me blog. If you would like access to that blog, and are interested in losing weight or sharing your weight loss stories, photos, triumphs, as well as struggles, please email me: kimsueellen[at]gmail[dot]com and I would be happy to give you access. We have room for about 25 more readers.***

Friends. I had to share some good news. When I measured in this week I finally saw some tremendous (for me) results from the last time I measured in about 3 weeks ago.

I had lost 1/2" from each thigh, 1/4" from each calf, 1/4" from each bicep. So I have lost a total of 5" from my entire body since Jan 1, 2011.

This was a huge step for me. Since my last blog post, I have not done anything different. You know the post, the one where I cry about hovering at 188.2. Well yesterday I weighed in at 186.4. This puts me at having lost 14.75 total. My highest weight was 205. I didn't start counting weight loss until I was at 200lbs. I am thinking if I want to sound incredible I should count that 5 extra pounds just to say I have lost 20lbs. *giggle*

I have also 'grown out of' two size 17 jeans (I know, I know that is a junior size) as well as almost completely not being able to wear 2 size 14 (misses size) jeans. I went to the Old Navy clearance rack yesterday and pulled off a size 12 super nervous as to whether they would fit, and guess what? They fit perfectly. Like a glove. Not a tight glove, but a nice, sweet glove. My bumm looks TOTALLY hot in them. Please comment on it's hotness the next time you see me wearing them.

I don't write this to boast, but to share with you. I have not seen any sort of change or result in my body since November. Nothing. It has been disheartening at times, and I have, of course wanted to give up. I have pushed through, and while this may be a temporary slide in the right direction, I know I am going to hit other roadblocks and long plateaus. I just need to realize that all of those things can be pushed through, and once again I will be able to see something wonderful and beautiful on the other side. Defining who I am by what I am inside is far more important that what I look like on the outside. However, it is a beautiful place to be reflecting the beauty in both areas.

I don't want to talk about 'goals' or specifically what my 'goals' are. Sometimes I feel like goals are so abstract, and intangible. I am keeping with my goal to lose 5lbs at a time. Ultimately, I would love to see the number 140 on my scale. It is a good number for my height and frame. I would love to be able to wear a size 8 jean. I would be content at these numbers. For now, I am embracing this size 12 body and I am going to love her and carry her with grace and sophistication.

xoxo

***Edited to say that with the encouragement of a few close people in my life, especially Em, I am going to run with the fact I started at 205. I am not as ashamed to admit that now as I was at the time, I have personal journal entries to prove how much of a dark place I was in. I was in complete denial, therefore pretended it wasn't real. It was. It was very very sad. Sigh. So, here we go. Down 20. Feels good. Really good. ***

Weighing In

***Originally posted to the Shredding with Simply Me blog. If you would like access to that blog, and are interested in losing weight or sharing your weight loss stories, photos, triumphs, as well as struggles, please email me: kimsueellen[at]gmail[dot]com and I would be happy to give you access. We have room for about 30 more readers.***

I am hoping this week to finally develop some photos from the first month of my personal photography project. I'll share more details then, but wanted to check in and let you know how things are going here.

I am a few days shy of being half way through my first round of P90x. I started out super slow, listening to my body, and now I am finally at the point where I can almost keep up with the video, and get through it without feeling like I am going to die.

I wish however, that I could tell you I have seen amazing results from it. Truth is, I have not. I have lost only 3/4" from my entire body, and zero weight in pounds or ounces. I am pretty much hovering at 188.2 with the lowest number I have seen being 187, but I am not going to let it get me down. Instead I am trying to think positively, and feeling less guilty and loving myself for who I am. It is not easy, but this time, this time it is a life change, not a change of desperate attempts. This is going to be a lasting thing, and in order for that to happen, I have to be careful with me...and support me.

I can't tell you the last time I had a soda, probably some time in December. The last time I had any sort of shake was mid January. I have almost completely cut out all dairy from my diet except for some cheeses. January was a focus on returning to exercise. February has been a focus on not eating out at all, or fairly little, and really *thinking* about what is going into my body. I have been making dinner at home for me, and for my family. We are eating a more balanced diet, and controlling our portions so that we have room for each area in our food group. The kids are handling it well. I should say it is just me and the kids doing it as our dad and hubby has a freaky deaky schedule and has to fend for himself the leftovers and whatnot.

I feel I am on a good track, one that I feel is the right track. I'll keep you posted on how things go, and I am excited (well, sort of) to share a bit of my project with you hopefully in the coming weeks.

Much love to you all, and to myself.

xoxo

Fayette, New York: Peter Whitmer Cabin

I thought I would resume the sharing of our vacation photos. These were all shot on a Nikon N80 with Fuji 400h. I am amazed at how much I have grown in photography in just the past three months. I am thankful for how confident film is making me. I do love these photos so very much. I was in the mood to play with the sun, and rimming. Very pleased with the results. (SO geek I know.)

Anyway, I loved it here. LOVED. The Peter Whitmer Cabin. This is where the LDS church was organized. The land and surrounding areas are so beautiful. Fields and trees as far as the eye can see. Breathtaking. My kids loved running around in the grass, the log fences were TDF. Sigh. I long to go back. I would move to upstate New York in an instant. Truly, I would. Especially since my BFF Bec now lives there. T'would be a double bonus.

Wow, a family photo! Truly. We were lucky to get a handful of these on our trip. VERY fun.

Please note I am 12, YES 12 lbs thinner NOW than in this photo, and my hair is super long. I regretfully inform you that those 12lbs were lost from one place...my boobs. :(

Uhm, this melts me.

I need to get Hubbs into some flip flops. I love this man.

Picking grass. A childhood pastime.

Me trying to get a perfect 'one year old' photo.

I think I got one.

Hope you are enjoying your holidays, and that everything is merry and bright. They are here.

xo

Tiny Steps

***Originally posted to Shredding With Simply Me***

That is where I am at. Just tiny, itty bitty steps. I have a goal of when I want this weight gone. I am completely serious about it, and I am having to remind myself every day when the cravings hit.

It has been a little over a week of this daily reminder, and daily knee hitting, asking for strength.

Today it paid off. 1/2 pound. In a week. Still it is there, and going down in the right direction.

My goal for right now is to hit 190. Wow, to actually weight 190 seems so daunting, but I am only a few pounds away. I think literally biting off this huge number of weight into little bits is going to be the only way I can get through this. Down 5 lbs at a time, slowly chipping away at it. I think it was Becca who suggested doing little goals. (I can't remember who said it, but IT HELPS!)

SO, after 190, it will be 185, etc, etc.

Like Nakia, I am having a hard time deciding what my 'treat' should be when I hit 190. I keep hoping that it will be that I can try on a pair of pants I have hidden in a tote and they will magically fit, so that I can add to my wardrobe. I just need to psych myself up that they may not fit, and that is okay.

We'll see. For now, still on the journey to 190. 193...192...191...190...

Hitting a wall.

Photo completely unrelated to post, and old, and digital. This is what you get when I post from my husband's new laptop, er uh, my new laptop, which I wish was mine, but isn't really.

I am going to use the term 'hitting -a- wall' instead of 'hitting -the- wall'. It has nothing to do with running either.

This week was rough. I have had myself together for the past month. I have been on top of my motherly and wifely duties for so long, and then WHAM this week hit me like a ton of bricks.

It started last week when that effer Aunt F was in town, she forced all sorts of brownies down my throat and convinced me that if I went running and worked out I would feel even worse than I already did, so I stayed put, working around the house, working on sessions etc.

This week found us a one car family. Well, sort of, first we were a no car family, (long story) we were using a borrowed car that started SMOKING on us Wednesday. We got our car back in time for the busiest weeks of my life to hit. So, between no cars, trading cars, entertaining out of town guests, boutiques, sessions, editing, laundry, dishes, (or not being home to do laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping etc.), a surprise party for my brother who is leaving for the army and has me in tears, and generally being OFF my schedule, I hit a wall tonight.

I got a migraine through the roof. I am so tired from averaging 4 hours of sleep this entire week, and yet, here I am, scheduled to wake in 6 hours and I am not sleeping. I needed writing therapy, for, even my blog has suffered damages from this week.

Deep. Breaths.

This week will not control me. This week will not tear me down, I will overcome and get back on my routine.

In other news and completely unrelated, but not:

Did you know I need to lose almost an entire person's worth of weight from my body? More than my almost 7 year old weighs?

Did you know my -biological- father told me that I was perhaps a wee bit fat tonight? Did you know that that made me cry in my migraine ridden state?

Then I somehow had to drive an hour home in with my migraine, fighting back the choking sobs that I am still fighting back. *frowny face*.

SO over today. As in over.

Gonna jump over this effing wall and move on...

Join me.

I know...

...I am a cracker jack blogger.

For that I apologize. It is THE busiest time of year for me. Fall = family photos for EVERYONE. It also is the beginning of the holiday season, which for the r house couture, means crazy orders and boutiques. (Which we love.) Did I mention we just celebrated our first birthday, the r house couture I mean? I didn't...well we did, and it is incredible.

But this post is not about that, it is about how I left you for an entire week with no new posts. Nothing new is really going on besides said busy-ness. I have been incredibly happy, incredibly busy, and trying with all of my might to keep these people from growing.

But alas, they don't listen to me. Just like my cravings for brownies COMPLETELY ignored me the past weekend. (I was doing SO good with my diet and exercise.) I feel so icky for eating them, but they tasted SO good. (I blame Aunt Flow, damn her.)

Anyway, enough of this MEZCLA of a cracker jack post for this cracker jack blogger. Come see me next Thursday in Draper mmmmmkkkk? The ladies and I will be having a boutique with our new lovlies. Designs only available at our boutiques this year.

(pssst. click to enlarge.)

Okay. Done. Next time you come it will be a lot better and I promise to not blog at 1 a.m. and to make sure I am well rested the night before I blog. Love you all. Really, I do. xoxo

Hitting Rock Bottom

***originally posted to Shredding with Simply Me lovingly referred to by our contributors as swsm***

Hi all. I think I finally hit it. Rock bottom. A few weeks ago before leaving on my trip to NYC I was up late working. Somehow I was on gchat which never happens. I am much too much too busy to chat anymore. But, it happened. An old friend was on and somehow we began discussing weight. The last time I weighed in I was at 200lbs. 200lbs. I hated myself. I detested myself. It was just something inside my brain that could not comprehend that I had let myself go to that point. This friend said some things to me that really got me thinking. I won't talk about them here, but I left the conversation feeling REALLY bad about myself. I love this friend and I know she was just being honest and trying to help me. For that I am thankful for her words and thoughts.

So, anyway, almost three weeks ago, I hit rock bottom. Each day is still a struggle and a battle with never ending depression. I have been having a really hard time with myself. I have been looking at pictures from my trip in denial that this was me. I made the decision today to weigh myself as I have been more conscious of my eating and I probably walked as many miles as the pioneers in the three weeks I was gone. I was really happy to see that I had lost 4lbs. Granted, this was the 4lbs I gained since starting this journey, but it is a start. A happy start.


I will battle those demons each and every day and do my best to keep on the right path. I don't aim to inspire anyone but myself. But here goes. I am back (again) and ready to shine.

Recommitting.

Hi. So, here I am (again). I have been hiding. Can you tell? Hiding from my weight and the world in general. I knew I needed to surface, but wasn't quite sure if I was ready or not. I think I am ready to try again. I am just SO afraid of failing. Failing myself, failing YOU. I have been failing. Failing a lot. I know all the talk, "Do it for YOU, and no one else!" etc, etc. That is true, but that is HARD to do. So very, very hard.

So, this time, I am taking it in small baby steps. I have a new regimen, a different attitude. I am going to take it one day at a time. Do as much as I can that day, as long as it is something small. Even if that just means getting out of bed and walking up and down the stairs, or cleaning a toilet, or making dinner. It will be something. Some sort of movement. My goal now is to take it one tiny step at a time. My goal for now, lose 5lbs, then another, then another. I have to eat it in small pieces rather than take a giant bite each and every second of the day. So, right now, I am going to turn 196, into 191. And so on.

I have had the literal feeling the past few weeks when I put something un-healthy in my body, that it is like poison. I can feel that is it not good for me. I am pretty sure it is the Holy Ghost (the best gift I have ever been given) whispering to me that I shouldn't eat it. (Whether that is a bite of mac and cheese, or a giant piece of chocolate cake.) I am going to listen better. (I have been trying, but sometimes I ignore it out of spite.) Heh. This is a lot harder than I realized it would be.

So, I am back. Recommitting. Let's try again shall we?

Strugglefest, June 7, 2010

**Originally posted to my 'Shredding' blog**

My heart hurts. Usually I would just post this to my personal blog. I have a contest running right now and I really don't know how I feel about a bunch of 'strangers' reading a post like this for the first time. I wouldn't call them strangers, but this is heavy, and would rather not scare my new friends off. Perhaps I will post it there later this week, so please forgive me that this isn't completely weight-loss related.

Yesterday was a very deep, dark, depression filled day. So much so that I longed to go back to bed, to lay on the couch and fall asleep. Anything, to avoid doing anything. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't eat. I couldn't move. I felt stuck. When I did move, I started eating, and not necessarily good things.

I was sad about my weight. I was really angry with myself for sitting and going no where with my weight for the past two months. I feel this overwhelming burden to be better and do better, but I have no drive. When I have no drive, I get depressed, when I get depressed, I eat. It is a vicious, vicious cycle and I don't know what to do to change it.

When my husband finally got home (he left early in the morning) I just cried and said I needed to get out. So I left, and I ran. I ran on my 'grandma legs and feet'. I tried to just breathe and make it through the day. My run didn't fix my broken heart, or my dark day, but it reminded me that I can do this hard thing. I may not be in my 'place' yet. The place I need to be to lose any weight. (Because apparently I am still stuck in this place, just like I was two years ago when I wouldn't budge from 167. Man how I would pay money to be 167 again and never budge, instead of my 196 that I am stuck at now. tears.)

This post makes no sense. I just needed to get it out that I was in a dark place, and that I am trying to be an example to you guys, that I have not given up...that I am fighting this beast of weight, like I am fighting the other demons in my head. Hopefully I can start kicking all of their trash soon.

Loves all.

--Kim

Healthy, wealthy, and wise.

I did not share my weigh in on Monday.
Nothing had changed.
I have not been doing so well.

I am about to change all of that.
Early to bed, early to rise...

...this is my goal.

Tomorrow I am starting a new routine.
I did okay for about two weeks before SO much was slung at me that I all but failed completely...
my new plan for ME?
making time for ME...

5 at 5

6 at 6

Waking up at

5 a.m.

6 a.m.

every day.
(Except Sunday and the day after 'etsy' night.)
Accomplishing these five goals every morning:

• 1- Put in a load of laundry...the bane, bane, bane of my existence.
• 
  
• 2- Workout for at least 45 minutes
• 
  
• 3- Shower before my kids even THINK about waking up. This includes putting on REAL clothes...because I think part of my problem is that I sometimes, okay a lot of times stay in my jammies/workout clothes ALL day.
• 
  
• 4- Choose and edit 5 images for my website until I have my galleries full. (Galleries are 20 images each.)
• 
  
• 5- 15 minutes of editing/organizing my personal photographs on my computer.
• 
  
• 6- Load the Dishwasher
  

I know that if I can start the day out right, everything in my life will go better.
See you at

5

6.

Honesty.

Days like today I wish I hadn't been quite so honest.
(I am laughing as I write that.)

	First Week:	Last Week:	This Week:
Weight:	195	193.4	193.8
Neck:	14.5”	14”	14”
Bust:	40.5”	39.75”	39.75”
Bicep:	14”	13.75”	13.75”
Waist:	41.5”	36”	36”
Buttocks:	47”	46”	46”
Thigh:	27”	26.75”	26.75”
Calf:	15.25	15”	15”

I was REALLY hoping to come here with better numbers.
They just aren't there.
I have a million excuses. Stress, my period, not my normal routine, etc...etc.

Excuses are not going to help me fight this.

I feel renewed.
This week will not be much different than last week.
What will be different is that I am going to fight harder.

Sometimes honesty sucks.
Today is one of those sometimes.

:(

Please no pats on the back today.
What I need is a good can of whoop-A.

Checking In

My 'weighing in' day is Monday.

I have had a pretty busy week and wasn't able to check in on Monday.
I decided on Monday also that I would only take photos every other week.
Mostly because my husband is hard to find and I was too tired to change into my
'hideous outfit' on Monday.

Anyway, my stats:

	Last Week:	This Week:
Weight:	195	193.4
Neck:	14.5”	14”
Bust:	40.5”	39.75”
Bicep:	14”	13.75”
Waist:	41.5”	36”
Buttocks:	47”	46”
Thigh:	27”	26.75”
Calf:	15.25	15”

Before you all get too excited, I measured myself first thing in the morning
(which I will continue to do every Monday when I wake up.)
I think that is the main difference in the measurements.
I'll take it though.
Also I really feel like my back fat has diminished.
I relate most of these differential measurements on the fact I am de-toxing with water and healthier foods.
Anyway, these are all theories.

I lost 1.6 pounds. Exactly on target with myfitnesspal.

Do I wish it was more?
Of course.

Am I thankful this is the right and healthy way to do this?
YES!

xoxo

Let's get this party started!

(The first of many installments of Clip Art Craziness by J-Dawg. My kid is a freaking genius. Just so we are all aware. His work is copyrighted, but please feel free to use any of his images for personal use.)

Friends!

I have started a private blog for all of you who would like to join me on this journey.
I know some of you are not quite ready, but I would like to invite you anyway.

Leave me a comment on this post with your e-mail address, and I will send you author permissions to write to the 'journey' blog:

Shredding with Simply Me

Blog will go private after Thursday, when I start e-mailing permissions to author.

I want this to be a community where we can feel comfortable to share photos, weight loss goals and struggles as well as support and cheering and 'hurrays'!

As soon as the blog goes private I will share a bit more
(on that blog)
what I would like everyone to share.

As for this blog?
You will all get to see photos of me every other week, as well as a weigh in/measurement check.

Thanks for being SO supportive guys.
It has helped me eat better, work hard, wake up earlier, and go to bed sooner.
Also, THANK YOU for the
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/
referral...holy smokes, all of my journey friends need to sign up there
NOW
(and add me as a friend)
it will change your life!
(Channel the likes of FREE Weight Watchers.)

I am on this road and I am going to burn. it. up!

xoxo

My Journey

Tonight. Shot on a Polaroid 600SE with Fuji FP-100c.

On a journey.

I was discussing with Loralee last night.
Sharing with her how I just told the world I went off of my depression medication after two years of being on it.
I haven't been up on blogs since Millz came home, so I was not aware that she too had gone off of hers. I was surprised to hear that so many people were not supportive of her doing so.

I support her.
I support anyone who is trying to do what is best for them and their family.
I have had a very SMALL handful of hurtful comments directed towards me
since I went off of my medication.
The very sad and hurtful thing is that only those closest to me knew I was weaning off of them, and knew the actual time that they were no longer a part of my routine.

Those comments hurt the most.
To those people, I lovingly and kindly say, you have never been in my shoes.
I am holding myself together quite well.
It is all for the better and I am better for it.
I am strong!

I have been off for 6 weeks.
I cannot tell you the difference I am feeling in my life. I
can cry again, I can feel emotions.

I will be honest, sometimes they are overwhelming, and I have to keep myself in check and talk myself down when emotions are high...but I am DOING it.
I am winning.
I feel like ME again.
I have missed me.

One of the big reasons I decided to wean off, was because my doctor and I decided it was time to try. Also, because I have been packing on weight like no other. A few weeks ago I weighed as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with Jothan (my heaviest weight.)
Today?
I weigh exactly five pounds less than that weight.

195.

You are all smart. You can do the math. 200 pounds.
All I want to do lately is hide.
I don't like going out, and we are having family photographs tomorrow, and I could just cry.

BUT, since going off of my medication, and feeling again, I have more control (believe it or not.) In the last 3 healthy weeks (cuz I was a sickie)
I have lost 7 lbs.

So, why am I telling you all of this?
To help someone else out there who is going through the same thing I am.
I am starting a weight loss journey, and as hard as it is to put it out to you that I got myself to this point, I want you to see that I can get to where I need to be to be healthy again.

I am EXCITED.
I have a plan.
I want you to join me on that plan if you are in the same place I am.
I want to be able to run without pain again.

Do you want to join me?
Publicly or privately I want you to make a plan and update weekly on your progress.

We can do this together.
I am even considering taking photos.
I may scare all of you away if I do that so I haven't decided for sure.
Would you like me to? Even if it is Biggest Loser honesty?

So, I am starting with my official weight being 193.
Let's get this party started.
I have a BIG reward for myself when I reach my goal weight of 140.
I will share that with you as we get closer to that weight.

Love you guys.
Thank you for loving me.
Watch me learn to love myself again.

***POST EDIT***

Before:

Weight: 195
Neck: 14.5
Bust: 40.5
Bicep: 14
Waist: 41.5
Buttocks: 47
Thigh: 27
Calf: 15.25

Just remember you were warned.
GAH.

**True Story**
As I changed into these workout clothes, J-dawg says to me:
"Mom, how come you are wearing those clothes?"
I proceed to tell him about how I want to lose weight and feel better about myself.
Emm says: "You are going to take pictures in that?"
Me: "Yes."
Emm: "That is going to be HIDEOUS!"

...and she is right.

I need motivation.

Here I am.





I freaking heart clothes.