Be Aware.

I have been debating for months and months as to whether or not I should blog about this particular situation. Some things have arisen today that tell us that this person is NOT in anyway who she claimed herself to be, and with the announcement of our being chosen by our a birth mother, this person who shall be known as "C" has begun attacking me, my friends, and is saying very hurtful and untrue things for whatever reason. I hope that if you have been one of the people targeted, and that this person has e-mailed you, that you will feel comfortable to come to me, to e-mail me, so that we can discuss further and talk through what is happening. I appreciate those of you who have come forward to tell me about these e-mails and this contact from this person. For this reason I feel it is very important to share these things I am about to share with you. Hopefully this way, no one will have to hurt the way our family has been hurt, and continues to be hurt by those who are untruthful and dishonest and are just out to hurt people like me and my husband, and others hoping to adopt. Stick with me, it is worth it.

Firstly, an article from the Someone's Missing Handbook, Making Your Adoption Happen, A Finder's Guide for Families who are Hoping to Adopt.

Internet Safety--Adoption

Avoiding Online Fraud Adopting a child can be one the happiest occasions in your life. In order to have a positive experience, you must take some precautions, especially when using the Internet. The likelihood of fraud is greater unless you take proper care.To protect yourself, consider the following points:
Due to your strong desire for a baby, you may be vulnerable to online scams and unreasonable requests that are not in your best interest.


Always choose an ethical path for your adoption, which is not necessarily the shortest or easiest path. For instance, some states require birth father notification before a court approves an adoption to occur. In addition, all states dictate that adoptions are subject to finalizing court custodial decrees prior to a couple crossing state boundaries to return home with the baby. These laws can cause inconveniences to adoptive couples but are required. Other ethical issues may also surface that call in to question the best interest of all parties to the adoption. For example, a birth parent may request that an adoptive couple pay for inappropriate items, services, or procedures that have nothing to do with support through her pregnancy. Couples are strongly encouraged to abide by the laws and ethical practices of adoption.
Protect your privacy. In online profiles, don't mention your employer, salary, home or work phone numbers. Invite birth mothers to call your adoption cell phone number if you are in possession of one.


Don't make a hasty decision, no matter how anxious you are for a child. Don't over commit to anyone until your caseworker has had time to check out the situation.
Money should only be given through the agency. Do not give money directly to the birth mother. The agency will approve expenses and disburse funds directly to the appropriate person such as a landlord, physician, or utility company.
The most common form of fraud involves someone who accepts money from an adoptive family knowing that she will never place a child for adoption. She may promise a child to several families, collecting money from each.


Be cautious with anyone who contacts you directly and prefers to work only through you. A woman who is sincere about adoption will provide you with specific contact information and she should respect your request that she talk with your caseworker.

Additional Red Flags

The birth mom wants to bring the baby to you. She may say this to get you to buy a plane ticket for her that she can cash in later. Most true birth mothers want you to come to them.

The birth mom is not available by phone or the address is not verifiable.
She does not provide proof of pregnancy or other requested documents. She seems to always have a reason for not sending you identifying information. She may have a sudden miscarriage or hospitalization when you ask for too much information.

She does not want you to contact anyone else concerning her pregnancy. She will not give you real names or numbers of doctors.

It's rare, but has happened: fraud not for money, but for attention or to inflict harm. In these cases the birth parent is not pregnant at all. She may be desperately lonely and in need of psychological help. She wants to talk intimately with someone and knows she can find emotionally fragile adoptive parents who will care about her. Her victims are manipulated into longing for the child. The game lasts only until she is asked to document her pregnancy or to meet the agency caseworker.

Birth Mother Scams

In the middle of the night you may receive a call from a woman you don't know. She has put off her decision to place the child for adoption until the last possible moment. She is in the hospital and going into labor.

Ask her to tell you the name of the hospital and her doctor. Give this information to your caseworker who can call the hospital maternity ward to verify the woman's story.Some homeless birth mothers are truly in need of assistance. You will want them to be safe and, if the law allows, the agency may provide them with services that include housing assistance. Your caseworker will verify their story before spending any money.

Screening Your Birth Mother

As a prospective adopting parent, your main worry may be whether the birth parent you will connect with will complete the adoption. The first task is to confirm her sincerity about the adoption. This can be difficult, especially if she is located far from where you live. In your first phone call, find out her phone number and the location from which she is calling. With this information, you may be able to enlist the help of an agency caseworker in her area to meet with her and verify her information.In response to your online profile, you may receive e-mails from people who claim to represent a birth mother. It is best to say, "Great! Have her contact us or our caseworker. We'd like to talk and we'll send you some information you can give her."If this person says, "You can only go through me to reach her, " consider that a red flag and move cautiously.

Please consider these additional tips when screening a birth mother.

Search out her contact name using Google (e.g. JaneDoe@yahoo.com...type in "JaneDoe" on Google.) If the birth mother is using a different name while chatting with an instant messenger program, perform a Google search on this name as well. If you are dealing with a scammer, you may find they they have posted information on other Web sites.

If your contact has sent you pictures, right click on the picture and obtain the picture's file name. Take the file name and perform an "Image" Google search. Some scammers steal pictures off of other Web pages and then send them to adoptive couples claiming the picture as their own. Be very cautious when you use this screening technique as searching some contact images may lead to Web sites that are pornographic in nature.

Some adoptive couples have visited online forums such as www.forums.adoption. com. Couples who have encountered a contact that turned out to be a scam may post this information on these forums. Building a networking relationship with other online adoptive couples can be valuable in detecting fraudulent contacts who claim to be birth parents. Always exercise caution when networking online as information you receive may not always be accurate.

A contact may give you a cellular or residential telephone number. The Internet has many Web sites where you can verify a contact's telephone number. This is called a "reverse look-up" and allows you to type in a contact's cellular or residential phone number to ensure it matches up with the name. Some sites are free while others require payment for use.

Verifying a contact person's state or city in important when screening birth mothers. Web sites such as www.switchboard.com allow you to search by name or telephone number.
One of the best tools to screen birth parents in your LDS Family Services' caseworker. Your caseworker can help you find out and verify information. When a birth parent visits an LDS Family Services office, the caseworker can verify information and pregnancy status.

SO...

Now that this icky stuff is out of the way, I want to tell you about "C". C started contact with us in April of this year. She said she was seventeen, was pregnant, and had initially contacted us through the LDSFS website. Through the course of a few weeks we became extremely close, and eventually she told Hubbs and I that she wanted to place her baby with us. Great, we were excited, thrilled, and if any of you know us, we were going through a really emotional time during all of this, having lost our baby...and really our relationship with C was never one but love and care and concern for her and for her baby...we wanted to help her in any way possible, even if she didn't place her baby with us, we wanted her to get the help that she needed. I'm here to tell you today that C was NOT who she said she was, she was/and is a scammer, and hopefully I can share with you what I have learned so that she will not hurt anyone else, and especially those that I love and care for so dearly as she is currently doing.

In our situation, these are the red flags that we ignored at first...

There was ALWAYS some emergency...she was sick A LOT...always in the hospital, always some problem with her parents. She said her mom had died of cancer a few years prior and that she was struggling with her step-mother.

She was going to run away from home, and come stay with us. When she asked if this was okay and we initially told her it wouldn't be a good idea, she used that to her advantage and made us feel terrible, like we had done something wrong...which we hadn't and we were in the right.

She would NEVER go to the agency and talk to a worker. She was REALLY good about making ME feel good that she wanted ME to go with her (she lived out of state) just another red flag that she wasn't who she said she was and wasn't willing to make things legit.

She had what we believe, to be using a fake name, her Facebook, which she added me to, and then later blocked me from when I got smart, had many many friends from where she said she lived, but guess what? None of those friends ever wrote on her wall. No one ever asked her how she was doing, etc. She didn't have pictures on her Facebook either.

She would never send US pictures. One night and one night only she would trade up tiny pictures over instant messaging, and then one night she uploaded a ton of pictures to Facebook, then mysteriously the next day they were gone...so that I couldn't even show Hubbs. Hmmm. Then as her due date approached, she sent me a picture of JUST a belly, no head...just a pregnant belly, which of course we all know, you can't verify who the person is with no head. Interesting.

We would make plans to meet with her, seven times to be exact, and she would never show up...or some emergency would happen and she would not be able to make it...at least at first she was kind enough to let us know she wasn't coming...up until the fourth time I think...then she just got lazy and rude and wouldn't call or anything for days later.

So, during this time, up until three or so weeks into it, we trusted her, believed her...then we put it out for the world on the blog...when a sweet friend, after reading the post called me and told me to be careful, that the things C had written to us in our little post were some of the exact things another birth mother had written to her. The reference to the baby as "Munchkin" or "Gremlin" both terms which another suspected scammer had used on my friend and her husband....Hubbs and I had been concerned for a few days about C being a scammer...this is when I did some hard core searching and finding to see what I could come up with...

I paid to have her phone number searched...her phone was indeed made out to the name she said was hers, but no valid address. No information could be found on her father or her step mother. There were no people on Facebook or MySpace that matched the names of her sibling...strange and weird seeing how she said they had them...?!

Then I started googling her name...her ID's for everything that I knew...and low and behold eBay...the lovely thing that it is was THE KEY...this C had mentioned to me that she was selling her iPod on eBay...silly silly C...well I noticed that she was using the same id on eBay as she had for her e-mail, for her instant messenger etc...and that she had changed her id in the last few weeks, about the same time she contacted us...hmmm...and guess what her old eBay user id led me to? An accused adoption scammer from New Mexico...and where was this eBay user from? Well none other than New Mexico.

There is a lady, Lynne who runs http://www.adoptionscams.net/ who was an angel and a princess at this time. She helped me find out all sorts of information on C...by the way that is NOT her name...nothing she said was EVER true to my knowledge, she was NOT 18, definitely NOT pregnant, and definitely NOT who she said she was. She was in fact, 32, has a warrant out for her arrest in New Mexico (hope you are aware C) and has been scamming couples like my husband and I since 2004.

I NEVER wanted to hurt C...even when I knew she wasn't who she said she was. I never wanted anything bad to happen to her. I feel really confused right now as to why she is trying to hurt me and my family. Some crazy stuff.

So, now, she has taken it upon herself to e-mail some of my dearest friends in the world and tell them horrible lies and things that she herself said about her own friends, her own family. She is mean, she is nasty...and once she is caught she turns (as has been apparent in the past) and basically turns wicked.

I just wanted to put this out there because I never felt it was my place to talk about my scamming experience, but this person has taken it upon herself to stalk my family, my life, and ruin it for whatever reason. I am not afraid of her. I don't want her or anyone like her to hurt those that I love. So, especially to my friends in the adoption world, be careful...I am so thankful that my friend called met the day that she did...and more than likely C and her H are the same people.

Be aware...

Sometimes I wonder...

...how anyone can recover from loss. I have been out of the blog loop for a few weeks since my newly acquired schedule. So I have been a really good girl and haven't been spending all of my waking hours on the Internet. I hadn't regretted that decision until today, when I read this:

Marc and Megan

Even though I have been through a similar thing, I don't understand it. I don't comprehend any of it. I wish I could understand, I wish I had all of the answers, but I don't and that frustrates me. I feel sick, I feel confused, I wish I knew WHY?! WHY!?

I just ask that you pray for them. Pray for them to have strength and courage, and peace and HOPE! I love you Marc and Megan. My hearts are with you. I'll make sure to ask that Elli and Emma can play with Peanut!

Loves and prayers.

Pregnancy Loss. Miscarriage.

I have about a million things I want to blog about. For some reason today this is taking priority.

I got a call today from a really old and a very dear, dear friend to me. See, she and her husband found out about three months ago that they were expecting twins! TWINS! How wonderful right? Well, yesterday, the found out that one of the babies did not make it. This is a deep and a profound loss as these babies were miracle babies conceived through IVF.

Hearing this news pained me deeply. I talked to her of my deep sorrow for the pain she is feeling, and for the undoubtable lack of significance that will be shed on her at this time. Because she is still pregnant with one beautiful tiny life, she fears people will forget that they began as two lives...and that is hard for her to handle. I told her how sorry I was, and it pained me to hear her say, "Oh it is okay." To which I replied, "NO IT ISN'T!"

So for me, I'm here to talk about what to do if you know someone struggling with pregnancy loss, no matter what stage of pregnancy, and how to help them, what to say, what not to say...none of this is gospel. It is just my take on stuff that I have gone through and the way I feel now. I will be completely honest and say that I never took "miscarriage" so heavily in the past until I lost a baby of my own. I was probably like most of you...or some of you, when you hear someone had a miscarriage. "Oh that sucks." "You can try again!" "You still have two beautiful children." And the list of well meaning thoughts goes on and on. Here are some things that have been on my mind constantly for the last little bit and especially today as I thought of my sweet friend.

When you talk to someone who lost a baby...tell them how much it stinks! How unfair it is! And if they try to tell you it is okay...tell them it IS NOT okay...and let them feel anger. Be there to listen to them if they want to talk, and respect the desire to be left alone if that is what they want. With that being said, you can do the following whether they are wanting to be surrounded or left alone. Just do it!

Do send a card in the mail.

Do send flowers.

Do make dinner.

Do offer to watch children so the couple can go on a date.

Do give giftcards to Blockbuster and a tub of popcorn.

Do bring Baskin Robbins.

If the person wants company, do their dishes...do their laundry...do vacuum....do something.

Husbands:

You have had a loss too, do talk about how you are feeling with your partner.

Do hold your partner when she throws things at the wall.

Let her throw her fits and tantrums.

Do hug...a lot.

Do support your spouse if she needs a little medication to help her through the loss.

There are a lot of things not to do. I'm not sure how to handle them because everyone is different. My biggest suggestion is trying not to lessen the loss. Allow someone to grieve. I am a very spiritual person. I believe every living thing has a spirit. I believe that these tiny lives have a spirit the second they are conceived. It is a loss. It is real. The feelings are tragic. Most of all be a true friend.

I know I am so thankful for mine during our struggle. I can honestly say I am healed and happy because of the love of so many. Hope this can help you help someone else.

Jewels in the Crown

Help me out here.

My mind and heart are all consumed with the events that have transpired over the past 12 weeks of our lives. My life in particular, as this is my blog. (I just need to reference the fact that I have not been going through this alone...that Flavio, Joth and Emm are right here going through it all with me.)

I never thought in a million years that so much shiz could be piled onto someone in the short spance of 12 weeks. I recognize that it could be a heck of a lot worse, and by all means I am thankful that it is not worse...but in our little corner of the Universe, it is pretty crap-filled.

If you ever asked me would I have lost the chance to raise three little spirits in the short amount of time of three months...I would have laughed at you in the face. I would have said, "NEVER!" I would never have put myself in that position. How utterly naive I was. How utterly naive I am.

When I get dressed in the morning, I see that little infant car seat sitting on the floor...I think back to how it got there. When my friend asked to borrow it...then I never put it back in the garage because Peanut was coming...then I never put it back because a little baby girl was coming...it is still there, and I just don't know what to do with it now.

We haven't heard from Chelsia for over a week. Her due date is June 25. The story about this is long and exhausting. I have lived this once before. It is excruciating. I've never shed so many tears, I have zero answers. I don't even know what to tell the world about this. I wish I even knew what to tell myself.

My husband and I are to this point that we are "DONE" whatever the meaning of that is. Done with building our family. I guess that is what we are feeling. (This is uber personal...and we still have some leg work to do in regards to the final decision...but this is where we are leaning...) even though I think this could be good, it scares me to death.

The thought of never holding a new baby in the middle of the night...watching someone crawl for the first time, walk for the first time, find another binkie, wash another bottle, clean spit up off my dry clean skirt...those are hard things to potentially let go of. On the flip side, to devote all of my time, talents and energy on the two beautiful jewels I have been given...well that is a very appealing choice as well.

I've heard it all, "You guys are SO young...you shouldn't make this decision now." "You have plenty of time." "You'll get pregnant again." "You can always adopt another baby." "What about Foster Care?" I don't know. I know that I had this perfect idea of how I wanted my life to go...and I didn't think that it would be where I am right now.

I've learned a lot. I'm thankful for the two sparkling jewels shining in my crown right at this moment...and the one little beam of light watching over us from heaven...three's a good number right? I've done enough haven't I?

I wish I knew.

Not Sure...

...exactly what I am feeling, or have been feeling the last few days. I thought I was doing so well, but I am not. There is just unfortunately too much to share on this blog world viewable blog, and too much that I. Just. Can't. Share.

LJ's caseworker came today. She comes once a month to see him, how he interacts with us, to see his room, to make sure we don't lock him in closets etc. (Not funny, but really that is, in essence what they do.)

She informed us that he would be spending the weekend with Mom again. His birthday is Saturday. That means he will be with Mom on his birthday. What is my problem? I have a HUGE problem with this. I am just jacked up. I am beginning to realize that I may not be cut out for Foster Care, and their goal of "reunification". I am feeling a bit too much anger, and despite my prayers for LJ and for his mom, I am having a hard time dealing with things. I guess I am realizing how hard it is going to be for me when and if he goes back with her. I guess I am not sure what it is that I really want for him, or for us. I'm just feeling sad about all of it. There is a good chance...that he may be with Mom sooner than we realize...maybe a week?!

I have been thinking how much I want a little baby to join our family, how I think I want that more than anything. I opened up an e-mail address that I send all my "junk" to. You know...one that I never check...and the millions of messages in there are all about how far along I would be in my pregnancy. I haven't even given it a second thought since my doctor's appointment two weeks after our loss. I guess we would be 26 weeks now. It is just doing funky things with my brain. The past nine weeks...oh my.

There is just so much more...

Close to the Surface

It is my hope that this is the last long post I will have for awhile. Hopefully the last post, that when I read it I see a girl who is hurting and feeling a bit sad and perhaps sorry for herself. I hate seeing this girl, but know that she must heal. I think she is doing just that, she just needs to get it out one last time and take a step forward and move on.

I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor today. I feel like for the past five days or so, I have done really well, at well...not crying. Everything else hasn't been so good. I have just felt this heavy, dark weight upon my shoulders. I can feel myself not wanting to leave my house, forgetting to eat (literally, I just feel no hunger...I have been eating though, forcing myself to get well physically), having a hard time sleeping. So, I thought to myself a couple days ago, "Gee, this sounds a lot like the symptoms of depression." Since today has been 16 days since we lost Peanut, and since that time today was the THIRD day I actually put on makeup and tried to do something with myself, I decided that this had to stop, and that it wasn't getting better on it's own.

The second my doctor came in and sat down, began discussing with me the pathology reports from the baby, I started crying. I was fighting it so hard. I just feel like I am not getting through this as well as I should. Sure, with Joth and Emm, I felt the baby blues, but I had this gorgeous baby to stare at, cuddle, love and hold all day long. Now, well I still have those gorgeous kids to cuddle and hold, plus one more, but it wasn't the same. As much as I love these three beings, there is this huge hole in my heart. It didn't make sense as to why I feel so heavy until the nurse was giving me a shot of progesterone in my hip. Her words were comforting, she let me cry, she gave me a hug, and told me what I needed to hear, and that it was okay to have some chemical help through this. So, for the next few months I'll be on a really low dose of an anti-depressant. I haven't started taking it, I am afraid really. I'm still holding out that this dose of hormone helps me like they say it will. Hello sunshine, I am waiting for you. ;)

I discussed a lot of things with my doctor, crying all the way through it. Hating the fact I had to be back in that office, in the same room that I heard our baby's heartbeat only six weeks ago. I hated sitting there waiting for the doctor, then for the nurse. I wanted to run from the room screaming and never return. I'm not sure if things feel more clear or more clouded. That the things he told me are to make me feel better about what happened, or more of a failure. (Not a literal failure, but the failure that one inevitably feels when things don't go as planned.) I just don't know where to put my foot next. Which road do I take, which one do I pursue, which one do I leave behind? I am flipping baby hungry...I know I am not alone in this feeling, I just had to say it. My heart just aches still.

I'm hoping today was the last of the heavy sobbing. My emotions have been so close to the surface, when Flavio called me after my appointment and I was crying he had the nerve to ask, "Why are you crying?" Wha? Did you just ask me, "WHY AM I CRYING?!" Seriously. GAH! I'm crying because I feel a loss, I am crying because I made it so far into my pregnancy, made it through the sickness, the debilitating headaches, the FAT gain, the swollen face, and when I look in the mirror and see my more slender figure, my watch that no longer stays on my wrist the way it used to, I can see that I am not the same person I was almost 20 weeks ago. That should make me happy, but it doesn't.

I'm determined to move on from this trial. While I shall never forget it, I don't want it to overtake me, to consume me so that I always remember the pain of this event. I don't want to count weeks up until my "due date". I want to move on and live, and prepare for the next adventure, the next blessing, even the next trial. So, that is what I am doing. Even if there are more days of emotions close to the surface, I have other things to take care of, other children to prepare for, to seek, to find, along with life that is waiting beyond this dark knot in my rope of life. Such a tiny glimpse of eternity. There is a spirit waiting for me, pushing me forward. I have a testimony that this spirit is not sitting around waiting for me, watching me feel sorrow, they are working, smiling, doing all they need to do to gain all the blessings promised to them...and so do I.

I'm thankful that this trial happend so close to Conference. My testimony has been strengthened. I truly feel like the Lord spoke to MY heart, and told me things that I needed to hear. I am listening, I'm ready to get back to work.

I want to thank everyone for their love and support.

Amanda for the beautiful flowers that lasted seemingly forever.

Cassie, in the midst of her own trials, came to see me in the hospital, brought the most beautiful figure of a mother and a child. And later in the week brought us TWO of THE most delicious dinners I have ever eaten, and has continually called me (even though I don't call her back. Seriously, once this depression is over, I owe you big time!). And love to Tim who called Flavio.

Carly, who brought us over our favorite pizza in the world, joined us for dinner TWICE then came over to my house AGAIN when my four year old let her in without us knowing...and I walked upstairs to catch her doing our dishes! She stayed all day and played with the kids so I could rest for a few minutes, and gave us a beautiful reminder that our Savior loves us so much.

Casey, who mopped my floor in prep for LJ's caseworker to come, helped wrangle my kids into bed, and read them story after story. She also made us a delicious dinner and gave me a dozen beautiful roses.

Amy and John who were thoughtful enough to want to bring us food, but instead humbled themselves to come and enjoy the mountain of food that we had already been given. They cheered our hearts and made us laugh, and I got a free chiropractic adjustment from it...when they move back home I'm all over John's practice! It was nice to have John here to buoy Flavio's spirits as well. I know how much HE needed it.

The R House, specifically Mrs. R. who brought us some killer lasagna and dinosaur chicken nuggets (that we just ate yesterday and they were freaking awesome...would you believe that FLAVIO made some homemade honey mustard? Well, I added the honey...but the rest he did. Mmmm.) as well as ice-cream and pie and a TON, I say A TON of movies for me to enjoy. I have loved just vegging in front of a good movie. Thank you!

Leisha, who was gone at the time of losing Peanut, but who lovingly made us dinner the week after I got home from Hawaii when I was having some spotting and feeling like basic CRAP...she was on top of it like a BFF should be and brought us a HUGE dinner. I can't thank her enough for that! ;)

Arianne and Jayna who sent me a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers. As well as many phone calls of love and e-mails expressing heartfelt sympathy. (Again, so sorry I haven't returned them...I just feel so heavy the thought of doing much is so hard...but I am thankful for it!)

Lace, who brought us pizza, "the kind with circles on it" Jothan's "fravorite". And chips...holy cow how the kids loved those chips. And the cookies, which unfortunately I ate TOO many of. It was SUPER nice to have that dinner!

Amy, who I e-mailed on the Friday after I got out of the hospital and cried to via e-mail (if one can do that) and she brilliantly convinced me that the ward should know what happened, and got us three more meals.

Amy, whom I missed as I was taking little LJ to the doc...she brought me some BEAUTIFUL roses and some yummo chocolate, chocolate, chocolate cookies...she is like eight months pregnant and she BAKED. FOR. ME. She wrangled her three year old and went TO. MY. HOUSE. She deserves a medal. ;) She is one of my dearest friends in the entire world. She deserves a better friend than me!

Wendy and Dan, who came to the hospital, and gave me the most cuddly teddy bear that I am no longer owner of (thanks Emm, Jothan, and LJ). Then brought us CHEESECAKE and lots of laughter. Flavio was so happy to have a DUDE around! ;)

The ward, who brought those meals and stopped by to give blessings and words of comfort and peace.

To ALL OF YOU, who sent e-mails, cards, letters, thoughts, phone calls, comments, and love. Each and every person has touched my heart and has helped me through this horrible and yet strengthening experience. Even though I am not thanking you each one by one, hopefully someday I can and will! Your kindness has not gone unnoticed. ;)

THANK YOU! I can't say it enough and it feels so inadequate, but THANK YOU!

Thoughts.

Why after 1.5 weeks after losing our baby, do we receive a bill in the mail for the amount of
$8,000?

$8,000!

EIGHT. THOUSAND. DOLLARS.

I can think of a lot of things I would rather do with that money.

Like:

Actually have a baby to. take. home.

There is this camera that I want REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad...

And maybe throw in one of these...

Or maybe a nice down payment on this. (For hubbs.)

I wouldn't mind a bigger one of these. (They built our home, and they RAWK.)

Well, the list could go on and on and on. Laser hair removal, lipo, a week at the spa. A four wheeler, ya we've been eyeing one of them babies...

Good thing we have insurance and we won't have to pay a penny. Well, maybe a few, but not enough to warrant such desires as these.

The hospital doesn't waste any time do they?

Thoughts.

Whoa, wher'd that come from?

So I just had meltdown number three since last Monday. The first was on Thursday, the second on Saturday, and the third, today. When I say meltdown, it usually involves me, SCREAMING at whomever for whatever reason. Today I was screaming at no one in particular. Then commence the awful sobbing bawl. I was a heap of hysterical crying. I hated throwing my toddler fit, but I feel so much better, so much lighter.

I hope this passes soon 'cause me and the crazy lady, we don't get along so well.

This is it.

****Disclaimer: Please be advised, especially if you are of the male species, or are faint of heart, I talk about a lot of "womanly parts", issues, blood and lots of details that go with losing a child in utero. Please feel free to read on, or please know that you have been warned. Thank you. ****

EARLY Sunday morning. We're talking 1 a.m. so early in fact, none of us had even gone to bed yet. So, I guess you could say late Saturday night, I was giving my kids a bath. (Yes, I realize that seems like an unusual time to be giving your kids a bath, but we had been gone ALL day and had JUST finished putting the new beds together, put on the sheets, and needed to give baths for church the next day. It was then that I noticed some spotting. It was right before I was giving the kids a bath, and it was enough to freak me out, but not enough to send me to the ER. So I called Flavio up to give the kids a bath. We talked about what to do. Most of the books say this is normal. I was a bit worried this time as this wasn't the first time in the last month I have had this problem. We decided to see how things went on Sunday and then call first thing Monday morning to see what the doctor wanted to do.

Sunday morning, I woke bright and early, I think 6:30 a.m. as I had to go and pick up LJ from the Shelter Home at 9:00. We had church at 10:00 a.m. It was Stake Conference. I was an EMOTIONAL WRECK all day on Sunday. I was feeling like an emotional roller coaster. I would be fine one minute, horrid the next, yelling, screaming, crying. LJ was not a good boy at church and my children were not the best either...and then there was me, not helping the situation at all, and Flavio not wanting me to do much since I was spotting earlier that morning. The bleeding had stopped, so I wasn't too worried. It wasn't enough to even worry me to wear a pad or anything at church. That is how I am talking, no worries. Anyway, Conference was great as we had a special guest Boyd K. Packer. I can't tell you now what he said, I had wanted to blog about it...but life was a little crazy that day. After church I just wasn't feeling tops. We were to go to Flavio's parents for lunch right after, but decided that I, and the kids needed a nap. I never did fall asleep, but at least the kids got in a solid hour. Still, I wasn't bleeding anymore, so I was feeling a lot better about that, but was anxious to call the office in the morning.

Dinner with the family was good. My husband's cousin was there with her new baby, and everyone took the kids outside to play so I got to hold little Daniel for two hours while he slept and I enjoyed me some "Shall We Dance". It was a good movie, I hadn't seen it. It was so nice to just sit there and relax after an emotional day. We came home, got all the kids in bed, and surprisingly all went smoothly. We decided to have Emm and Joth share since LJ sleeps with the door shut. (SO nice...can I just tell you. My kids would NEVER!) Then Flavio and I stayed up until about 11. We usually stay up watching CSI Weekends until 2:00 a.m. but I was EXHAUSTED. So we went to bed, and again, the bleeding was non-existent.

At about 3:45 a.m. Monday morning I woke up with the feeling that A: I had either "peed myself", or B: The fact which I knew, I was bleeding. I ran into the bathroom and indeed it was the latter. There was a lot. I yelled for Flavio, then started bawling, and shaking, knowing instantly that the possiblity of this pregnancy going to full term was not good. We got dressed, Flavio gave me a beautiful blessing. How he even found the words was just a testimony to me that he was not the one giving it. I really wish I could remember everything that was said, instead I just remember the reassurance that I felt. The promise that this experience would only strengthen my testimony if I would allow it to, and that Heavenly Father loved me. I calmed a little at that, to the point that I wasn't wracking with sobs anymore. Flavio called his parents and they got to the house at 3:55 a.m. Somewhere in there I had called the emergency line to my doctor's office, spoke to the doctor on call and he told us to go to the emergency room.

We arrived shortly after 4:00 a.m. Love that my husband sped the entire way. He is really mad he didn't get pulled over. Funny. We walked into the ER and we were helped immediately. The new IMC is 'da bomb! The nurse who helped me then was SO great, and reassuring. We waited a little bit when Dr. Burke a.k.a HOTTIE came in. (Edited to note...by Flavio, that he was as BUFF and "TOUGH" as he is. Sorry honey, Dr. B was a little hotter than you. :( Hope you still love me. ) He had to have been my age if not a year or so older. Of all times to have Dr. Hottness, it had to be now, I hadn't showered in 24, and my eyes were the size of ping pong balls with their swollen redness. He talked to us about what was going to happen. They would do a small ultrasound, and go from there. They brought in the machine, and Dr. Burke proceeded to look for little baby Peanut and hopefully the heartbeat. He couldn't find one. I know that he tried so hard to find one, because he said, "Kim, I am so sorry I can't find a heartbeat, now that either means I can't find one because this ultrasound machine is too small, or it means that your baby had died." Commence ugly cry and me reassuring Dr. Hottie it was in fact that the baby was gone and it was okay for him to say so. I could tell he was hurting for us. (Dr. Hott had on a CTR ring, which for me made me feel a ton better. I am not sure why...but knowing he was LDS was really comforting for me at that moment.) Dr. Burke called down an ultrasound tech to take us down to another, more appropriate machine. It was his job to determine if in fact there was a fetal heart tone. Flavio recalls never seeing anyone look so hard for something. Flavio said he saw him type no fetal h/b, then delete, look again, then re-type. He then gave us the news that in fact the baby had died. He proceeded to give a full ultrasound, just like they do when the baby is 20 weeks. The glorious one where they measure, then tell you what sex the baby is etc. Unfortunately, they could not tell if our baby was a boy or a girl. There is a lot of discrepancy as to how old our baby was when they died. It could have been as much as two weeks. They aren't sure. I didn't want to watch the ultrasound, but looking back I am so glad that I made myself take the small glances that I did. I saw the beautiful little hands, and profile, and little tiny face. Those images are all I have to carry with me. I wish I had forced myself to watch more, but my heart was burst and I wasn't sure how much I could handle without totally losing it.

We went back to our room where Dr. Burke informed me I would get every girl's favorite exam. This nurse brought in "The Pelvic Cart". Really that is what it was called, she pulled out all the "necessities" and the special "speculum". Dr. B. literally says, "I'm gonna need a bigger speculum. I know that isn't what you want to hear right now." Commence joking laughter...and me just thinking get this the heck over with PLEASE. So he does his biz with that, then proceeds to "find my cervix". Poor Dr. Hott, probably only had to do that exam 5 times in his entire life, couldn't find my cervix. It was THE single most painful exam I have ever had. And believe me I have had my fair share...thanks endometriosis. Basically I wanted to scream..."IF YOU HAVEN'T FOUND IT...YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT!" I have a freaking weird uterus, once I explained that, he found my cervix and told me it was dilated. Lovely. So, he finishes his biz, is washing his hands and tells us that he is going to find the doctor on call and decide what they want to do. Begin ugly cry again, and for the first time in my life, I stand up for myself and said, "DO NOT SEND ME HOME LIKE THIS!" I refused to go home, suffer hemorrhage, pain, anguish, and have to dig my baby out of the toilet so they could examine the tissue. I could not handle that...yay me for freaking out. Dr. Burke said, "I won't make you any promises, but I will tell him how you feel."

In comes Dr. Irion. Holla to Dr. I. because he made us smile, laugh, cry, and feel better all at the same time. He gave us A LOT of options. Go home, stay and they could induce labor, or three, they could do a D&C. He said if I had come in a few days later, the only option I would have had then would be to induce labor and give birth vaginally. I cannot tell you how thankful I was for being 16 weeks 3 days pregnant and not 17 weeks. I don't know how I would have dealt with that. Dr. E. was going home for the day...and Dr. Larkin was on call. He came in and visited with us, they got us up to Same Day Surgery by 7:30. They had given me some morphine for the pain, and probably to keep the crazy one at bay. I was thankful for that because I was feeling REALLY good. Not so much emotionally, but physically. I was loving the cable on TV, and enjoyed me a few hours of "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Baby Home" on TLC. You should have seen the looks on the nurses faces when they came in. Something to the effect, "Why on earth is this woman watching this?" Ya, I know...but I did, I wanted to, my favorite shows, we don't get to watch at home. I sent Flavio home around 9:30 a.m. to check on the fort...and to get his binder with all of his client information, as he needed to cancel a lot of work for the day. Besides, it could be HOURS before they got me in. 15 minutes after he left they were ready for me.

They wheeled me up to the OR, and met with Anesthesiologist a.k.a Dr. Hotty #2. As they were prepping me, he was so great to me, told me to have a nice nap! And that is all I remember until I woke up. Now, if any of you out there have ever been "put under" you may recall what it is like coming out of the anesthetic. I have gone under once before, and I still get embarrassed about the things I said and the way I came out of it. This time was very different. I could not open my eyes but I remember being very clear minded. The first thing I heard was, "Hi, my name is Jenna, I'll be your nurse while you are in recovery." Two minutes later, I said, "Jenna!? Jenna. I really feel like I am bleeding a lot!" To which Jenna replies, "Kim, that is really normal to feel after this procedure." To which I replied, "No, Jenna, I really feel like I am BLEEDING TO DEATH!" Jenna ripped the blanket off of me at that point and said, "Okay!" Within a minute there were five people around my bed. Dr. Larkin was not far behind. I was being turned to and fro (still trying to open my freaking eyes that wouldn't work). It was like something out of ER..."40 units Pitocin stat", "something units in her BUTT, stat" etc, etc...there were shots in the bumm, two different narcotics pumped into the I.V. and one very nervous doctor calling for an ultrasound machine. They finally found one, he couldn't see very well, so he called his ultrasound tech down from the office. I can't recall what they were looking for, I heard a lot about "clots" and "fetal parts" to which I remember wanting to YELL...EXCUSE ME!? I am AWAKE. I don't think they thought I was. Anyway, Dr. L gave me three separate exams within a five minute period, each time literally pulling huge clots from inside me. And pushing SO freaking hard on my uterus that I literally have bruises. I was crying, so out of it, no husband (I was in recovery anyway.) Sweet, sweet Jenna took my hand and let me squeeze the living daylights out of it. I don't ever remember hurting so much in my entire life. All I could remember with my closed eyes and brief eye openings, the prayers that were going through my head. "Please Father in Heaven, don't let me die, let them get this bleeding under control." "Please don't let this end in hysterectomy, I don't think I could go on after what I have suffered." 40 minute hemorrhage. I don't think anyone is sure how much blood I lost. I remember when it had finally slowed enough, and the doctor just telling them, "We need to watch her for five hours." Not sure how long I was in recovery, it felt to me like 15 minutes, Flavio said it was more like 2 hours. I have never seen a better sight then when they wheeled me out and my sweetheart was waiting by the elevator. I just love him so much.

They took me downstairs back to Same Day Surgery, hoping to watch me for a few hours then send me home. These rooms are not equipped to handle (nor are the nurses I believe) what I had just endured. It was an awful four and a half hours waiting in that little room. I WAS SICK! I had gotten a SEVERE headache, from either the lack of blood, or the number of meds that they gave me, or a combination of both, that and I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours. I was not in good shape. I slept for a while. Dr. L. came to see us around 2:00 p.m. did his "clot check" as I like to call it...feels much like an entire fist going in somewhere it shouldn't...wilst a painful push to the uterus through the tummy. Gah...pain. Finally around 4:30 p.m. I wasn't bleeding like they wanted me to, and the concern overcame the need to send me home, so Dr. Larkin admitted me overnight to the Women's Center.

I got up to the room at about 5:00 p.m. And waiting for me were some more GLORIOUS...(I say that with all sarcasm) uterine contractors...and THE SWEETEST NURSE ON THE PLANET. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father made her my nurse. Marcia...she was so kind, and so loving, took me to the bathroom...and talked to me for the rest of her 2 hour shift. (Flavio had to go home because after all we had LJ...and no more babysitter for the rest of the evening...which meant I would be alone. I was okay with that, in fact, I longed to be alone.) Marcia shared with me her experience with mulitple miscarriage...always at six weeks gestation she told me. She talked about her two lovely children, now adults that were adopted through LDSFS. Dr. Larkin came in at around 5:30 p.m. to see how things were going...MUCH better...and luckily only a uterine push from the outside. (YAY!) He told me what a scare "I" gave them. Tee hee..."I" are you kidding me?! I joked about that. He was glad I was staying the night so they could watch me and make sure things were okay.

After Marcia left a few of my sweet friends came to visit, Wendy (whom I BEGGED to bring me her new baby...(the birth story if you remember.)), Cassie, Carly, and my parents. My little sisters came with my parents, I think they were really afraid I was going to die, and just begged my mom to see me. I was sad everyone came ALL AT ONCE...only because I would have loved to visit with everyone a little more one on one...(don't be sad that I say that, it was wonderful to have all of you, I just felt like I didn't get my full use of you...and felt bad for you. ;). The other sucky thing is everyone kind of left all at once and I was left alone to think about what I had just endured. The new nurse was sweet, but I could tell she didn't know what to say to me or how to act. She brought me lots of graham crackers and Lorna Doone cookies. Not my favorites, but I am loving graham crackers now. ;) It was hard to hear the baby in the room next door and to realize that of all the times I have been on this floor, visiting my friends, and remembering the last time I got "the green water mug" and had hospital bands, they would bring me a baby every two hours to nurse, and that I would get to take that baby home. I didn't sleep well. I woke at 5:00 a.m. for a shower. I just wanted to go home. Dr. Terry came in at 8:00 a.m. and signed my discharge, checked my progress and jokingly told me my husband would only get "two weeks of cold showers". Sorry honey! Breakfast came, and I cried when I was done and I saw the menu, and that my diet was the "New Mom" diet. I wish it had been.

I was dressed and ready to go. I was waiting for sweetheart to gather up the three kids to come and pick me up. I called him at nine...then nine-thirty. Looking back I know why he was late, because MY sweet, sweet Dr. Lloyd had come to see ME. He apologized for not having been there the day before, then told me about how his son, who is suffering from brain cancer was doing. He had spent the day up at the hospital with him. Commence bawling and tears from us both, as I told him he was where he needed to be. I can't imagine his pain, knowing that you could possibly lose your child after 30+ years of loving them. Wow. He also shared with me the loss of their first child at 26 weeks. The many tears that are shed, the wondering. He reminded me that it was okay to cry, that I NEEDED to cry. He said, "That is what makes you a good mother...your tears. It shows you love." Bawling. I needed to see him. He was with us when sweet Jothan was born. I remember that morning so clearly, Dr. L's own daughter was the L&D nurse, and I remember just feeling the spirit in that room. He was with us when little Emmaree took her first breath and I held that sweet little girl for the first time. He didn't need to be there when we lost little Peanut. Just him taking his time to see me was enough.

We got home at about 11:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning. A good friend from my old ward called me at around 4:00 p.m. She works in Dr. Lloyd's office. She mentioned how she wasn't working the day before, but as she was getting ready to leave the office today, one of her jobs is to put away all the charts that were used throughout the day. Every chart that is expecting a baby has a "blue sticker" she saw my name and wondered, "Where is Kim's blue sticker? It must have fallen off!" So, she proceeded to go get a new blue sticker to put on the chart. (How sweet is that?) When she opened the chart to find the billing for "One D&C and 40 minute hemmorhage". She just cried then...ran to talk to Dr. Lloyd. They talked for while, his little heart aching for us. It felt so good to hear how highly he thought of me. Because I was feeling like a trash heap by that time on Tuesday. I am so thankful that she called and talked to me for an HOUR.

This week has been hard. The only thing that comes close, as I said before, was our failed placement. The pain is very similar and very different. This time there is a lot of physical pain. Today has been the worst since Monday. But I am healing.

I haven't had much time for myself. LJ requires a lot of our time, he has a lot of appointments. I have had many talks with our family social worker with the state...and after yesterday I am not sure I can handle this. I made a promise to give things one more week. Today was a hard day. And after yesterday I am not sure I can see his mom go through her pregnancy. I don't think I am strong enough. I feel no malice toward her. It was not my intent to have anyone feel that toward her either. My heart aches for her...but I am not sure I can be the one to help her through this. I am trying with all of my heart to make this work...to deal with my own broken heart and help LJ with his. We are all having a really hard time. I just don't know when something is going to give. I wish I could share more about his case. All I can say, he will definitely be going back to his mom, and if not her, his grandparents.

I hope that by sharing some of these things that I help someone who has gone through this same experience. I am feeling a lot of darker emotions that I am afraid to tell anyone, I may have shared with only a few, but there is a lot about losing this baby that has my head spinning. I can't believe that this baby is gone. I made it so far. I am afraid that this was my last chance at bringing a baby into this world. It is too soon to even contemplate such things. I just need to let myself heal. My arms feel so empty. I hate these feelings.

I've been thinking...

...a lot today. About a great many things. Just how much my testimony has been tried and strengthened the last few days. I am completely exhausted, but have so much going through my mind, hopefully some of this makes sense. I would like to share our story with you, in a few days. It is very personal, but I have found by sharing it, I feel like I am strengthened as are others. The pieces and glimpses as to why people "had to find out" about our pregnancy...even though it was to end in tragedy, are coming together. I had felt it all along, in some way or another, but it hasn't been until now that I realize it is to help others, and to help me to survive this.

I have been thinking a lot about my friend Michelle lately. As well as her husband. I have known them for seemingly forever. How many years now? I think 14. That is a really long time. I hope she doesn't mind my sharing a little bit, but the thing that is sticking out in my mind right now was their example of love and courage as they struggled to start their family. Often times I have wondered why we were lead to LDSFS. Because both times we were able to eventually get pregnant. I know I have shared this in the past, but when we were told we may never be able to conceive children of our own, very early in our marriage, we knew that we would not let that stop us. My friend Mrs. R. wrote a post about this a few weeks ago. I am so tired I won't take the time to look for it, but it is worth the time if you go look. Anyway, it was about having to adopt and choosing to adopt. The whole, glass half full, glass half empty. Either way, no matter if we ever had biological children, or if we never were able to, we knew that adoption was something that we wanted to do. My Flavio too, seeing how his brother was adopted, it was never a question. I think back to Michelle and Anthony, and how their example of love for one another, and the way their miracles came to them, has always strengthend me in my resolve to get my family to this earth. I just want to thank them for that. For that small push along the way, when I was growing up, after I was married, the beautiful example of what adoption is and how it changes the life of the child, the life of both the birth parents and the adoptive couple.

My mind has gone to adoption a lot in the past 48 hours. I don't know why this had to happen. I feel very empty handed. It didn't really hit me that my baby was gone until today when I went to the medicine cabinet for some pain medication, and I went for the Tylenol of all things (my script was right there) and I just had to laugh, then I cried. Flavio was right there, and all I said was, "I just realized I wasn't pregnant anymore." It is an odd feeling. One of the most difficult thing has been watching my sweet husband hurt through this. He is a quiet man, very humble. He hurts a lot. I would do anything to take that pain away. Anything. I know we are not unfortunately not the first to go through this, nor will we be the last, but want to share my feelings with you. And if anything, to keep a record of how I am feeling, 'cause I'll say I will write it in my journal and I never will...so this is my remembrance.

Anyway...adoption...I'll end with...we're "finding" again. I have ordered some new pass along cards since my sweet friend gave them all away. And really, just how thankful I am for the people I have met through our journey at LDSFS, some of them have been my rock and my strength through this.

Sorry this is so scrambled, blame it on the narcotics. ;)
For your viewing pleasure...some photos of ME from Hawaii! Enjoy.

Life...

...just sucks sometimes. I thought this would be easier to share. It was yesterday after I had cried my eyes dry.

We lost the baby yesterday. I had some complications with the D&C so they kept me overnight. I am home now, but definitely not ready to talk about things. Hopefully I can and will share in a few days.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, and phone calls from so many. We have a lot of work ahead of us with little LJ in our home. Time to jump back into life.