Strugglefest, June 7, 2010

**Originally posted to my 'Shredding' blog**

My heart hurts. Usually I would just post this to my personal blog. I have a contest running right now and I really don't know how I feel about a bunch of 'strangers' reading a post like this for the first time. I wouldn't call them strangers, but this is heavy, and would rather not scare my new friends off. Perhaps I will post it there later this week, so please forgive me that this isn't completely weight-loss related.

Yesterday was a very deep, dark, depression filled day. So much so that I longed to go back to bed, to lay on the couch and fall asleep. Anything, to avoid doing anything. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't eat. I couldn't move. I felt stuck. When I did move, I started eating, and not necessarily good things.

I was sad about my weight. I was really angry with myself for sitting and going no where with my weight for the past two months. I feel this overwhelming burden to be better and do better, but I have no drive. When I have no drive, I get depressed, when I get depressed, I eat. It is a vicious, vicious cycle and I don't know what to do to change it.

When my husband finally got home (he left early in the morning) I just cried and said I needed to get out. So I left, and I ran. I ran on my 'grandma legs and feet'. I tried to just breathe and make it through the day. My run didn't fix my broken heart, or my dark day, but it reminded me that I can do this hard thing. I may not be in my 'place' yet. The place I need to be to lose any weight. (Because apparently I am still stuck in this place, just like I was two years ago when I wouldn't budge from 167. Man how I would pay money to be 167 again and never budge, instead of my 196 that I am stuck at now. tears.)

This post makes no sense. I just needed to get it out that I was in a dark place, and that I am trying to be an example to you guys, that I have not given up...that I am fighting this beast of weight, like I am fighting the other demons in my head. Hopefully I can start kicking all of their trash soon.

Loves all.

--Kim

My Journey

Tonight. Shot on a Polaroid 600SE with Fuji FP-100c.

On a journey.

I was discussing with Loralee last night.
Sharing with her how I just told the world I went off of my depression medication after two years of being on it.
I haven't been up on blogs since Millz came home, so I was not aware that she too had gone off of hers. I was surprised to hear that so many people were not supportive of her doing so.

I support her.
I support anyone who is trying to do what is best for them and their family.
I have had a very SMALL handful of hurtful comments directed towards me
since I went off of my medication.
The very sad and hurtful thing is that only those closest to me knew I was weaning off of them, and knew the actual time that they were no longer a part of my routine.

Those comments hurt the most.
To those people, I lovingly and kindly say, you have never been in my shoes.
I am holding myself together quite well.
It is all for the better and I am better for it.
I am strong!

I have been off for 6 weeks.
I cannot tell you the difference I am feeling in my life. I
can cry again, I can feel emotions.

I will be honest, sometimes they are overwhelming, and I have to keep myself in check and talk myself down when emotions are high...but I am DOING it.
I am winning.
I feel like ME again.
I have missed me.

One of the big reasons I decided to wean off, was because my doctor and I decided it was time to try. Also, because I have been packing on weight like no other. A few weeks ago I weighed as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with Jothan (my heaviest weight.)
Today?
I weigh exactly five pounds less than that weight.

195.

You are all smart. You can do the math. 200 pounds.
All I want to do lately is hide.
I don't like going out, and we are having family photographs tomorrow, and I could just cry.

BUT, since going off of my medication, and feeling again, I have more control (believe it or not.) In the last 3 healthy weeks (cuz I was a sickie)
I have lost 7 lbs.

So, why am I telling you all of this?
To help someone else out there who is going through the same thing I am.
I am starting a weight loss journey, and as hard as it is to put it out to you that I got myself to this point, I want you to see that I can get to where I need to be to be healthy again.

I am EXCITED.
I have a plan.
I want you to join me on that plan if you are in the same place I am.
I want to be able to run without pain again.

Do you want to join me?
Publicly or privately I want you to make a plan and update weekly on your progress.

We can do this together.
I am even considering taking photos.
I may scare all of you away if I do that so I haven't decided for sure.
Would you like me to? Even if it is Biggest Loser honesty?

So, I am starting with my official weight being 193.
Let's get this party started.
I have a BIG reward for myself when I reach my goal weight of 140.
I will share that with you as we get closer to that weight.

Love you guys.
Thank you for loving me.
Watch me learn to love myself again.

***POST EDIT***

Before:

Weight: 195
Neck: 14.5
Bust: 40.5
Bicep: 14
Waist: 41.5
Buttocks: 47
Thigh: 27
Calf: 15.25

Just remember you were warned.
GAH.

**True Story**
As I changed into these workout clothes, J-dawg says to me:
"Mom, how come you are wearing those clothes?"
I proceed to tell him about how I want to lose weight and feel better about myself.
Emm says: "You are going to take pictures in that?"
Me: "Yes."
Emm: "That is going to be HIDEOUS!"

...and she is right.

I need motivation.

Here I am.





I freaking heart clothes.

The Fates.

Last weekend after running my long run, and being completely unable to walk afterwards, my husband laid it out on the line, "Kimmie, maybe you shouldn't run your half." I got all sorts of huffy on him...but did what I normally do, take his advice, stew about it, then took it to prayer.

I am a very religious person.
I know there is a God, and that he loves us and is here to help us.
After praying, I got my distinct answer...that I shouldn't run this half marathon on Saturday.

But, like most children, I took my Father's advice and I didn't listen...I took it upon myself that I would in fact run because I had been training for this for WEEKS.
All of the hours pounding the pavement to what?
Give up now?!
P'tcha...that was not me. I am no quitter. Hurting feet or no, I was going to cross that finish line.

Fast forward to yesterday morning at 4 a.m.
I awaken to the. most. painful. throat. E V E R.

Within two hours said painful throat had turned into
fever, chills, cough, congestion up the ying yang.

I spent 5 hours on the couch in fitful slumber while my
six year old played dad and delightfully helped me in any way possible.

Last night was no different.
In fact, if possible, I thinkI may have passed out a few times
IN. MY. SLEEP.

So, the Fates conspired.
And they won.
Oh how sad I am to admit that they won.
No race tomorrow.

I am a believer.

I will listen.

I will go back to bed now.

"Weight a second, I can do this!"

This is a post about confessions.
It is not a post I want to be writing, but have had it going through my mind for the past few weeks, and it is one that I must write.

Remember how I have been training for the half marathon?

I haven't been blogging about it much, because, well I am a schlub.
While I have been training and running in the bitter cold, and battling illness,
and a few weeks being unable to train because of it, I have pushed through it.
The problem I am having right now though?
Tendonitis.
Like Tendonitis on steroids.

It is bad.

I described it earlier like walking on razor blades.

When I run for more than three miles I literally cannot walk for DAYS.
I feel like I am 90 years old and I can honestly not walk faster than
the older ladies at the gym on these days.
My workouts have been really rough on me, I walk a lot when I should be running.

Because of these things, and my husband noticing we discussed the
possibility of me not running the half.

When I put it out to the world, I got a handful of e-mails telling me I must do it!
That I am inspiring (thank you) and that regardless of my decision,
I would be supported either way.

Well, I have decided that I will do it.
I cry when I think about all the miles I have put in already, I just can't NOT do it.
I just won't run or train the three days this week...and hope and pray for the best on Saturday. Oh please...pray for my feet.

Part of me knows the reasons why I have had SUCH a hard time.
Here is a picture of me shortly before the last time I ran a half:



Yes, that is my bestie Casey...if you haven't met her yet you MUST at the CBC in May.

I am too prideful to show you a picture of what I look like now.

I love this picture.
That girl on the left was in a MUCH better place.
Well, sort of.
Mentally she was dealing with a lot of shee, but physically she was
30lbs
lighter than I am right now.
did I just admit that out loud?

I know that is why I am struggling.
My body hates me.
I am really struggling to shed any weight since having Millz, and that is not helping me mentally with this race...let alone physically.

If any of you are runners, then you know that the mental part of running is JUST as,
if not more important than the physical aspect.

The past two years were really hard. Things are SO good now.
I hope that sharing this small part of me will give me the courage to continue on my road to losing this extra weight I have hanging on me, so the next time I run a half...
I will be much better prepared for it.

Love you guys, thank you for continually inspiring me!
I CAN do hard things, and I will!
(totally going to buy myself that necklace when I cross the finish line.)

After the race, let's talk about what will happen when I shed 40 of those
30 extra pounds shall we?

See you at the finish line.

Back to Work--

--ing Out.

I had about two weeks to work out hard between having Millz and before my surgery,
which put me out from almost no exercise for another six weeks.

It has been hard on me.

The last four months have just been one lazy, messy, day after another. Last week was the week when the red light turned to green, which meant I needed to get my lazy ars off of the couch...
(not that it spends much time there anyway with three little ones.)

So, Friday I started my exercise routine, three weeks before I start training for THIS.
(still waiting on word if I got in though, cross your fingers.)
It is not too late to get in on it too...sign up for the lottery...training starts Dec 27!
Get your super fab shirts here.

Anyway, today I tried the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.

Holy Bananas.

I got this DVD for a STEAL only $10 on a Target sale (my fave store) and holy mother.

I hurt.

I never realized 20 minutes could hurt so good.

I think I just might be able to get back into this work--ing out thing again.

As for 'real' work?
Ya I've been doing that too.

Check it out here.

Huggs.

News

(Be assured there are LOTS of pictures of the other kids too. Those to come soon.)

Blogging here today.

Go and feel inspired.

Just kidding about that Maternity Leave...having surgery the end of the month.

Deets to follow.

Announcement

First, go and watch this.

Second, I have an announcement.

Third, I want you to join me.

AT THIS.

(mrs. r is coming, and so is the gilded pear.)

2:49:50

So the race was on Saturday. My friend Shannon and I woke up DARK and EARLY Saturday morning, at 3:45 a.m. to drive to Providence, Utah where the race ended. We got on the bus at about 6:15 a.m. after we found mrs. r at the last second! YAY. And there we were, driven 13.1 miles away from the finish line, 13.1 miles away from our cars, our families, with the only solution, to run/walk/crawl back...

Here is Shannon crossing first. She had only ever run a 10K...so that is six miles, she kept saying that she would have to walk, have to walk...as I as walking/limping...I never ever spotted her...she smoked us and crossed the line first in our group. Way to go Shannon!
Next to cross was mrs. r she is STELLAR...I was so proud of her for finishing...and watching for me to finish...she ran up to me and made me bawl a little...saying, "You did it!" "Look at your family, look at your kiddies!" That did it...
So, here we all are...tired, beat...but done! And alive.Our hott matching tanks...

And the discrace that all there was at the finish line for those left over runners...(almost three hours) were orange slices, water, and some gatorade. Seriously. I almost bawled, I was SO hungry.

My little family went to Einstein Brothers for breakfast before the long and tiring drive home. I just wanted food, and my bed the rest of the day. I jacked up my ankle somehow...hope it gets feeling better soon...ow.

It was so great to spend the day with people that I love, people that I care about, doing something that is important...something I thought I could never do, so happy I did it.

As for that marathon? Gosh darn it, I forgot all about this wonderful workshop I signed up for that is the same day. I'll have to think about doing another one...

All the training comes down to this...

We had our annual physical exams. Don't get all excited...LUCKILY for me I didn't have to complete "the" exam...I got lucky and get to wait a few more months...YAY!

But it was an exam complete with blood work and urinalysis to make sure I don't have cancer, thyroid problems (dang it...wish there was some excuse this weight is sticking), or high cholesterol. Luckily (again) for me everything is A-OK! For this I am thankful. Our doctor was SUPER kind to me. He was VERY encouraging, he said my weight is great, my blood workup is great, and to just keep up the RUNNING! He encouraged me to try to run a marathon...he is just so impressed with what I have been accomplishing, he just said I need to drag Hubbs out with me more often...

So, anyway, tomorrow is THE BIG DAY!

Got my amphipod, my gu, and my new running shoes...and of course my HOTT homemade tank...ready to go. Pictures to follow.

Love you all, thanks for the encouragement, can't wait to see how many hours it takes me. (Pretty sure it will be at least three!) That is my goal anyway.

See you at the finish line!

Training...really righteous and totally gnarly.

So someone asked what the training for this "half marathon" was. Well, I have been following

THIS PLAN

It is for a novice. Considering I am a novice, meaning I have NEVER EVER EVER ran more than a mile WILLINGLY...this was the perfect way to start.

If I can survive this...I may attempt this. I figure I am halfway there, so I might as well try, even if I have to crawl my way down.

But that means I will need to do this. And well, to be honest, that 20 mile run on my own is a little freaky.

You have to understand that I HAVE to take walking breaks. Which means that I am not "running" the ENTIRE time I am out. I do however try to beat my times from the previous day or week, which means that as time goes on, I am running more and more. I have a longer endurance, when really all I could run at first was MAYBE half a mile without feeling like I was going to die when I first started this journey.

Also, I hate to keep hashing this...but I have not lost a SINGLE pound or a SINGLE inch. Haven't. Really. I have actually gained...ready for this? FOUR pounds. Muscle? Maybe. Am I happy about it? Not one bit. It is quite discouraging for me. I started this journey with the hopes of shedding a few inches...and it has been almost two months and I am just feeling yucko when I look in the mirror.

BUT, I am happy with the person I have become. I happy that my body is doing something that I never gave it credit for. And for that...I am SMILING!

Good luck you guys...you should try it. I think you'll digg it. And it is radical.

Dood, seriously...some stuff:

The dreams? They won't quit. Seriously? SERIOUSLY!!!

I could start an ENTIRE blog about the dreams I am having. Maybe I should...maybe I could make money off of them and people could theif them and make them into made for tv movies or something.

For instance, the other night, I SWEAR I was dreaming for hours. I had this dream that this birth mother Ami...yes in my dream her name was AMI with an "I" had chosen our little family. Upon meeting Ami and her incredibly well to do family, she informs me that she cannot stand my "1985" lingo...of "Dude" and she asked me to never say "Dudette" or anything from the eighties era ever again. She was really nice about it. I just felt really, really sad. Ami was six months pregnant, and we went with her to the ultrasound. She was having a boy...but for the life of me now I can't remember what we decided to name him. We went through the motions of meeting her family...etc...etc...I got the feeling that she really couldn't stand us...yet she loved us all at the same time. Then, I was awakened and who knows what happened after that.

So strange...and so funny. I am going to write them down for all of you to enjoy.

Also...WHY after I make the decision to quit photographing weddings, do I feel I just shot one of my best weddings EVER? Um, ya I hope that the bride and groom think so...cause there is some amazing stuff I've had to make myself STOP editing. LOL!

And quit already with the RUNNING compliments. I don't post for you to compliment. (Although I WILL admit that it keeps me going...because I HAVE to finish this race...because you are all counting on me to do it!) Seriously, I am a strong believer that almost anyone can do it. You just have to work up to it. It IS mental...and it sucks. I basically hate it...don't know WHY the heck I am doing it...right now it is just working for me....so I keep at it...maybe not forever...but for now it is a part of me.

8 Mile

Photograph Courtesy of Heather. Thanks Heather!

Eight mile. Isn't that the name of a movie starring Eminen? Ya, ya it was.

What else is it? How about the number I ran today. 8. Eight. Oito...as in I ran eight friggin' miles today.

I know, I know, I can hardly believe it myself. My legs and knees are feeling it. My tired self is feeling it.

Long about mile six I was wondering what the "H" I was doing to myself by running? Who does this to themselves? Well, apparently I am, and I do.

When I hit mile three this morning, this song came on my iPod. The words just struck a cord in me. I began bawling on my run this morning. Yep, as I ran through the ghetto...I was crying. Here is the song:

I love Alanis Morissette.

I have heard this song almost everyday for the last month, today I just listened to the words, and I felt like this is how my life is. I'm just plugging along, hoping and wishing that the next step I take gets me where I want to go. Don't we all kind of "fake it til we make it"?

I know I do...and just like with so many things in my life, I am going to keep on doing it...until I am really doing it, until I am all that I want and hope to become.

Maybe even a runner.

Hopefully all the other things that brought me to my weeping knees today. Ya those things especially.

Please note this is ONLY the HALF marathon.

Even if it kills me, and more than likely it will. Mrs. R will be there to carry me to the finish line (or to at least tell them where to find my body).

Why? Because I am crazy.

Why? Because I need a better outlet than Baskin Robbins.

Why? Because I want to photograph my children's weddings.

Why? Because I need to lose some weight.

Why? Because I am TIRED of telling myself I could NEVER do that, because I CAN!

I am a dork.

Photograph Courtesy of Lilliana, my client's daughter. Thanks Lilliana!

With a capital D. Yo peeps. How are you?

Me? well I would LOVE to lie and say I am doing My-T-Fine...but...well I already told you THAT would be a lie. And I don't lie...so...so what then? Then I will SPARE you the dramatics and update ya'll on LIFE.

I wish I had some more quirky and funny things to write about, but alas, we are BORING folks.

Let's talk about that photograph of me! I am SUCH a dork. I like it though, there aren't many of me...so I'll take it. I usually let my client's kids take a photo or two with my camera if they want...and she wanted and she did a great job. Such a cute family. Guess what?! I started RUNNING. Can you believe it? I can't. When I say "running" I mean, WITHOUT stopping. Not like I usually did when I said I went "jogging" or "running". I am training for something...I don't have the guts to put up WHAT...but when and if I feel I can actually do this I would be happy to share, for now...just know I am doing REALLY well and I am so PLEASED with myself. Just needed to pat myself on the back.

So, LJ...here is the OFFICIAL word. He leaves us on Thursday. This Thursday. I am not sure how I feel about all of this. I can't tell you how I feel about much of anything. I just hope he is happy...and that his mother is happy, and that his life will be MUCH better than when he came to us...and for his sake I hope he doesn't have to come back here! (Because if he did it would mean he would have endured more trauma...he just needs stability.)

Well for the sake of having this be ultra long. I'll leave the post here. Have a good day!