Utah Museum of Natural History

A few weeks ago I had the amazing opportunity to hang out with some of my favorite local bloggers and friends. The Utah Museum of Natural History invited us on a tour of the construction site of their new museum.

The day started out bright and early and beautiful. It was a hard hat tour, so needless to say we donned our finest boots, safety goggles and hard hats. We all looked super stunning and fabulous. You want to know what was truly stunning though?

This museum. Breathtaking.

It sits at the foothills of the Wasatch mountains just east of the University of Utah campus. The panoramic view from this space is awe inspiring. Being a photographer, I can appreciate the beauty that my eye sees both from this building and this building itself. It is going to be amazing folks. Amazing.

I may or may not have gotten a little crush on the tour guide. I am sure he is my dad's age, but he was just so handsome and funny and sweet in that 'dad' sort of a way.

Truth be told, a few times a year I try to drag my kids out and up to the current museum. I somehow always talk myself out of it. "Parking will be a nightmare, I can't do Traxx with three kids, yada, yada...". This new museum will have none of those excuses. I am so excited to take my kids there all the time. It will be the perfect venue for my dinosaur/science loving 7 year old. They will even rent out the venue for parties and weddings. (I can't wait to photograph my first wedding there.)

The builders and planners thought of everything, from the coat check at the front door, to the Canyon Room to the walkways that lead you over the canyon. It is just beautiful. Words cannot do it justice, and even though it is a severe construction site, you can get an idea of its grandeur and beauty here.

Seriously though, construction and hard hats run in my veins. I look pretty stunning in this photo with Lindsey don't I?

Emily, thank you for this hawt photo, next time tell me to stand up straight. Oh I have such a mighty hump.

P.S. If you don't read Emily's blog, you should...she is one of my most favorite people in this world.

I hope it will geek you guys up as well. Make plans to visit the grand opening, you won't regret it.

Afterward, we all were treated to lunch at the Corner Bakery. The manager was so nice and helpful when it came to ordering. I love sandwiches and always have the hardest time deciding. I went with a BBLT. Double bacon. The world is truly a better place when it comes to bacon in my face, you double that? I am a happy queen. Next time I have a sitter, I am definitely going back. Especially now that there is one by the mall...double bonus.

I am going to leave you with one last shot of myself and my lady friends in all of our glorious orange-ness. I forgot to mention the vest above. So slimming.



***Full Disclosure: I was given the amazing opportunity to see the new museum under construction and was then given a delicious meal with my friends at the Corner Bakery. I was given the opportunity to blog about this experience if I so desired, which I did desire, therefore, here you see me posting about it. I truly hope you will all visit both places in the future, to experience the awesomeness for yourself.***

Hitting a wall.

Photo completely unrelated to post, and old, and digital. This is what you get when I post from my husband's new laptop, er uh, my new laptop, which I wish was mine, but isn't really.

I am going to use the term 'hitting -a- wall' instead of 'hitting -the- wall'. It has nothing to do with running either.

This week was rough. I have had myself together for the past month. I have been on top of my motherly and wifely duties for so long, and then WHAM this week hit me like a ton of bricks.

It started last week when that effer Aunt F was in town, she forced all sorts of brownies down my throat and convinced me that if I went running and worked out I would feel even worse than I already did, so I stayed put, working around the house, working on sessions etc.

This week found us a one car family. Well, sort of, first we were a no car family, (long story) we were using a borrowed car that started SMOKING on us Wednesday. We got our car back in time for the busiest weeks of my life to hit. So, between no cars, trading cars, entertaining out of town guests, boutiques, sessions, editing, laundry, dishes, (or not being home to do laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping etc.), a surprise party for my brother who is leaving for the army and has me in tears, and generally being OFF my schedule, I hit a wall tonight.

I got a migraine through the roof. I am so tired from averaging 4 hours of sleep this entire week, and yet, here I am, scheduled to wake in 6 hours and I am not sleeping. I needed writing therapy, for, even my blog has suffered damages from this week.

Deep. Breaths.

This week will not control me. This week will not tear me down, I will overcome and get back on my routine.

In other news and completely unrelated, but not:

Did you know I need to lose almost an entire person's worth of weight from my body? More than my almost 7 year old weighs?

Did you know my -biological- father told me that I was perhaps a wee bit fat tonight? Did you know that that made me cry in my migraine ridden state?

Then I somehow had to drive an hour home in with my migraine, fighting back the choking sobs that I am still fighting back. *frowny face*.

SO over today. As in over.

Gonna jump over this effing wall and move on...

Join me.

Funk

In a funk the last day or two.

Not sure why, but then again, I do know.

Having a cystic tumor removed at the end of the month.

Not sure what all will come out with it.

I have my pre-op appointment the day before the surgery.

I say surgery because of the nature of this "thing" I have to have it incised...meaning it can't be done via laparoscopy.
That I have had before. This? NO. CLUE.

Nervous about the recovery. Nervous because my husband has no time off. Nervous because it puts me out of work for the entire holiday season.

This kind of put me into a tailspin funk.
Last time I 'went under' I was so hyped up on emotion and basically I was in shock I didn't have time to THINK about it.
This time?
I have three weeks to stress and stew over it.
I knew it was coming, that isn't a surprise.
I have known for 30 some odd weeks it was coming.

I just don't want to deal with it.

Good news?
These types of tumors are usually benign.
Not worried about cancer or anything at this point.

Just the fact I am having to THINK about my womanly self in any fashion just has me reeling.

It has consumed most of my adult life.
The pain has slowly returned and leaves me angry and upset.
Part of me wishes and hopes and begs my doc to rip it all out.
The other part of me knows it is probably not for the best.
It doesn't mean I won't try to convince him otherwise.

Funk.

Thank goodness for Prozac, I don't know where I would be today without it.

Thankful the parts worked well three times.
Thank you parts.
(I am aware that some people's parts don't work at all. For this reason I am thankful. But...)
...Parts...I still hate you.

Struggling.

Photograph by Leisha Kelsey

It is weird that this post has been floating around in my mind for weeks now.

Hard to admit that my mind weighs so heavily,
when it should be rejoicing and celebrating.

Like all the weeks and months up until now, I am still having a really hard time believing and accepting that this little tiny life is about to come to our family.

Last night I cried as I held the blanket I plan to bring her home from the hospital in.
I caressed it and cuddled it and cried.

I cried because there is this part of me that is STILL so scared and so shaken and so broken from last year.

This part, while after many, many, talkings to about the opposite still wonders and fears that,

"What if?!"

What if something goes wrong with the delivery?

Is she still moving?

Is she okay?

What if there is something seriously wrong with her that we didn't know about, what will I do?

Some of these are the things swimming around in my head.
It is really hard to admit.
Really hard to share, to get it out.
I have never prayed so hard in my life for peace and comfort and support.

Maybe it is all because it is down to the wire once again. Once again for seemingly the millionth time in two years here we are...waiting, waiting to see if this little spirit is coming to stay.

I hate the wire.

I want to fast forward to the end of next week when I will know for certain.

Certain sounds like a much funner place to be than here.

Beautiful Thoughts

This has been a great topic of conversation lately between me and some of my closest friends.

This has been me.

I felt like she was talking about my heart. WOW.

I have felt this pain, and although our prayers were answered in a different way...families are amazing, and they are forever.

Of this I am certain.

Tears. Tears.

School Daze --"And I Was a B"

James* and me circa 2000
(Not the name he goes by, I love to protect the innocent. Heart you James.)

So, do ya'll recall that time I mentioned about the TI 89 in Mr. Reynolds class?

I am here to further detail the horror that was this particular mathematics class for me. New girl, new school, knows NO ONE...sits next to amazingly cute James.

James and I became SUPER great friends.
I think in some ways James and I were in similar boats, we kind of both left a lot of our friends behind to go to a new school. James started eating lunch with me and my friend Candie.
So we got to know each other really well.

The one thing James had going for him that I didn't...
was that his sister was SUPER beautiful and SUPER popular, and also a Student Body Officer...

...so I think that helped him transition better than I did.

Since high school is SO large and full of SO many people and different clubs and stuff, James and I mostly just talked during our Algebra class.

(I think it was Algebra...James is super smart and just graduated as a Pharmacist...see he was SUPER good at math.)

Anyway, this one particular chapter in the book was a struggle for seemingly EVERYONE in the class.

We had a test coming up and I studied for it and studied for it to no end,
as did James.

The day comes for the test and we all take it with palms sweating and our little index card full of notes.

A few days later Mr. Reynolds, lisp and all hands back the tests to each of us...and I look at my score (it was a GOOD score) and with a HUGE smile on my face turn to James to see how well he had done...

...the entire time knowing he would have it ACED and would have it down.

We concur.

Here is where it went wrong, and hell as we know it broke loose.

I did better than James did on the test.
WHAT?!!
For the first time in months...
...I DID BETTER THAN JAMES ON A TEST?! IN MATH?!

So instead of being the sweet person I normally was, I start RUBBING in the fact that I did better than James.

Even worse, it carries over into lunch time, and my pride gets the better of me, and in front of many people, I begin to declare my smartiness over James'.

It got so bad.
SO BAD.

James has had enough and he yells,

"YOU ARE SUCH A B****!"

...in front of EVERYONE.
(wouldn't you have done the same thing?)

I was crushed.
Yet, I deserved it more than ANYTHING.

James and I didn't talk for months.
I don't even think we talked until the next school year.

I finally fully understood the error of my ways, and apologized for being such a biznatch.

James apologized too, and our friendship was what it was before.

I love me my James.
We are still friends to this day, albeit through facebook mostly.

That is okay, I am thankful to know such a smart and talented young man...
...and through the horror of being called a 'B' in front of many of your friends,
I learned a valuable lesson:

Pride goeth before the biznatch.

Too many days without Prozac.

I hate talking about it. I hate admitting I need them.

I thought I was doing so good.

I had weaned myself off unknowingly.

Then I realized this evening that I really need to keep taking them.

I am super weepy. Obscenely grouchy. And, ULTRA sensitive.

So, tonight, I took one. I am praying that once they hit my system in the next few days I can feel like I can breathe again. How did I ever live without this little kiss of wonder? It hasn't been that long, maybe a week, but dang Gina.
I can't stand admitting I am weak, but perhaps if I do, then maybe others in my situation won't feel so alone, like I feel now.

Tonight I almost wigged out on Hubbs. Well, in my mind I wigged out on him good. I would say "poor guy" but he is fine. Tee hee.
I am SO angry and upset over something so silly.

Why oh why was I cursed with such Biznatchiness?
Is it hereditary?
Am I alone? Please, please tell me I am not. :(
Or perhaps maybe I am just depressed because all of the Easter candy is gone?


ENOUGH of that...

As for happier things, I just totally updated my photography logos, bid'nez card and blog thanks to this lady. Thank you Leisha...you are amazingly talented, I highly suggest you use her!

You may have noticed over yon <------ That I have this cool new button that takes you to my uber cool photography blog. Why just the photography blog you ask? Well, because I am officially announcing that in June 2009 I will have a website up and running. MY website up and running! (I am SUPER excited and stoked at the possibilities.) I can't wait to stare at it all the time. But for now, get your fix here:

(Clicky, clicky.)

Check back often, I have lots of fun sessions coming in the next week...some had to wait because they were surprises. Shhh.

Heart you peeps!

One Year, and Miracles

Bear with me, this will be a long post...

I am not sure why, but even as I sit here, vomitous chunks arise in my throat.



It has been one year since we lost our last baby. One year since my family almost lost me.

I am trembling just even thinking about it. I don't want to think about it.
I don't want to relive it.

For those of you new here, if you don't know the story, you can read all about it here.

How do you move on from something so terrible?

Well, somehow you do. You take it one day at a time, and as I look over to the right of my computer, you can also take it one hole in the wall at a time like I did. You can drop the f-bomb a million times a day, and cry your eyes out until they bleed because they are so tired from crying.

Then you get up, dust yourself off, and try again. Or in our case, try multiple times again and again and get burned...but that is another post for another day.

We miss Peanut. We miss the little spirit that might have been. We think about him/her often. How close we were to finding out what we were having. What joy we had in anticipation. What sadness we felt.

It is common consensus around here that Peanut was/is a boy. So from now on we refer to Peanut as such. This makes J-dawg thrilled because he knows someday he will have a little brother.

(He, on his own accord brings this up regularly. As he was old enough to know and understand when the loss occurred.)

We think of 2008 as a great growing and learning experience here at our house.

We are thankful to have had LJ in our home during this time, even though at the time I wasn't sure why he would come the day before such tragedy would strike our home and our heart. I am not sure why weeks later we would be chosen to be scammed by a "birth mother". Why two months later we would be chosen by another birth mother, only to feel so good and confirming about that situation, to have it fall apart just as quickly. All I know is that, all of these things have been for our good. They have strengthened us, made us quicker to love, less likely to judge, and more ready to help those who are struggling through similar circumstances.

My heart is full.

I can't believe I can sit here and write that after a year.

A heart that was so broken and empty and angry can write that it is now full. Do I have all of the answers to "Why?" no. Do I wish that we hadn't had to endure what we did? I can honestly say now, that no. I am glad we did, for it made us stronger.

Early last fall after I bawled for 45 minutes on the phone to one of my best friends as I travelled to vacation with my family, I realized I had reached my breaking point.

It was around this same time that Hubbs and I decided (maybe more "I" decided...not sure) that if nothing happened for our little family's growth by December of 2008
we were going to throw in the fertility towel, throw in the adoption towel, and
move on with our lives.
Those five months were torture to my soul. One of my good friends asked me, "If this is so hard for you, why are you giving yourself a deadline?" The only answer I could come up with is that I needed to move on from this era of my life, my children needed their mother back, not the crazy shell of a woman that had replaced her. For three years we had been trying to get another child into our home...enough was enough wasn't it? So while it killed me to do it, I knew it was the answer...and in some ways I looked forward to the new year, to our little family, just us, to a new beginning.

Well, let me stop here for a moment and introduce you to someone.





Meet Millz

She is a little shy, this being her first "public" blog post and all.

She has heard that whenever her mom posts exciting news to her blog something tragic happens. She has reassured me a thousand times that this time will be different. But even as I tell you this, I feel like running into the other room to throw up (and that has nothing to do with being pregnant). She even assures me that I will get to wrap her up in the new blankets she HAD to have from Target (she is starting already), and that she can't wait to share a room with her big sister. She is also looking forward to the "rubberband gun lesson" that J-Dawg promised to give her when she gets bigger. I am holding on to her faith because I think she is closer to the Big Guy right now than I could ever be. :)

Heavenly Father works in a mysterious way. I don't suggest you give him a deadline, because just as you start getting comfortable with the way your new life will be, he will throw you a curve ball. A miraculous, beautiful curve ball, good thing I am good at bat.

We found out in December (can you believe it?) that this sweet baby would be joining our family.

We told no one.

I don't think we even told ourselves. Hubbs and I just walked around the house like, "Word." and "Holla." And that was that.

Why?

Well, because for the first three months there was intermittent bleeding and spotting. If I had a session, it was the death of me, I would bleed for days. At first I didn't even believe I was pregnant because well, Aunt Flow came to visit a few days early. I even blogged about being THANKFUL that she had. So silly of me.

I spent the first four months on the couch. SICK...SICK...SICK...and worried that if I did "too much" I would lose this baby too. I was so so so afraid to hope.

When I saw the doctor at 8 weeks, I saw the heartbeat via ultrasound. Even that didn't suffice. We told our kiddos at week 17. We finally told family around week 18. We had our ultrasound at week 20.

I am now at week 22.

You would think that I would be feeling better about things. I am faithful, I am extremely hopeful. I can't imagine that this would end badly as well. Would I be broken and lost if it did? Probably for a time. Would I eventually move on and learn? Most definitely. For now, I am taking it one day at a time. We, as a family are taking it one day at a time. It is maddening. It is hard to function, to just let go and let what will be, BE...but I can't. So each day is spent in agonizing worry, worry until I feel her move, worry until I see the doctor again. I wish it wasn't so. For this reason I didn't want to blog about it. But tonight, as I thought about Peanut, as I thought about all of the other babies that were to have been, I think how happy and excited I was for each and every one of them, and how this sweet girl deserves that too. She deserves to hear the happiness and congratulations from my friends. She deserves to be welcomed and wished for and hoped for.

Despite my heart.
My crazy, crazy heart.

This is our last shot. We found out at our ultrasound that I may be having surgery shortly after the baby is born (she is due July 30). They found a cystic tumor on my right ovary that they are watching and will remove after she makes her arrival. We will let you know more when we know more. This has shaken me a bit. Not sure what to think...I may end up "wombless" by the end of the year. Tee hee...one can only hope to not have periods ever again. I have a great doctor. I have a great Hubband. We are in good hands all around. We are in the Master's Hands.

With great trial cometh the blessings.

We are counting ours each and every day.

Inspired.

And teary.

Wow.

I will reiterate that I have some of THE best friends in the entire world.

Pupil, is one of them. She comes over weekly to my house, with agenda in hand and we meet about adoption, we discuss adoption...among other things. She is the one who encouraged me to post every day for the month of November about adoption. Funny, when I woke up this morning and checked my blog almost around noon, I came and there were 21 comments. I was like, "WHAT?!" I didn't think the post was THAT grand...so I started reading comment after comment, then I got to anonymous...and then I saw mrs. r's comment, and then comment after comment from people I have met, most I have not...and tears rolled down my cheeks when I realized that these people had read the comment long before I had, they were on a mission to not let one person hurt another one of our sisters...sisters in blogland, sisters in infertility, sisters in adoption...

Every word in her post struck me...right down to the irony. She was at my home when I was writing the "Are you there God?" post. It was a tag team post. Brilliantly thought up and wonderfully executed. As I wrote it, I said over my shoulder, "You know what happened the last time I posted something this deep..." Well, I was so hurt and so crushed that I deleted the blog I had had for over a year. How utterly sad that was. How could I let one person dictate who I was?

Well, it won't happen this time. As you can see...just like me, there are HUNDREDS, and THOUSANDS of women and men who suffer with this particular trial.

You know what? The past three years of wanting another child have taught me, to love more deeply, to cherish EVERY moment because they are so fleeting. To suggest for even a moment that I am not thankful and grateful for what I have been given, it only proves that the person who tried to hurt me does not know me. Every night before I go to bed I spend a large amount of time by the bedside of my children. I hold their hands, I sweep the hair from their little faces, I cover them up...I kiss their cheeks. I recognize and realize that they may be the only children I ever get to have. I kneel down and thank my Father in Heaven for them, and because of the joy I have in them, that is the reason I want to be a mother again.

I want to thank EACH of you for your love and support yesterday. It meant so much to me. It brought tears to my eyes. Every comment touched my heart, if any of you are struggling through something similar, I encourage you to take the time to read each comment, because there is strength in not feeling alone. I will leave you with one particular comment that touched my heart especially, and in keeping with the spirit of the posting this month, I think it is perfect. Thank you Ashley.

I totally understand where you're coming from.I have a daughter through adoption.

I don't want another baby yet.

I am not ready to face my "broken" body again.

I want to feel normal.

I want to have just something, ANYTHING happen without a million pieces of drama, an ordeal or having to lay out my entire life history to the world.

I hate having no privacy.

I hate the fact that the events surrounding the birth of my daughter, and the 45 days afterwards, were spent in fear and pain, not joy. We never talk about it.

I hate the loss of the other children I'd hoped for. I had also envisioned myself with kids in a pew; four, to be exact. But it looks like two may be our limit. That kills me.

I hate that people don't try to understand. That you're told, "Be grateful." It's like being told, after losing your leg, to be grateful for the other one. It's not that you aren't grateful for your leg, your arms and every other appendage you've been given, but you still miss the lost leg.

Having to once again face your own infertility is just another reminder that you're a freak. You can't do what God designed you to do. If you can't produce children, then what good is having the instincts? It's being reminded of all the hopes and dreams you have had to let go of, ones you've probably had since you were a girl.

I love my daughter. I couldn't love her more if I'd made her out of playdough myself. I celebrate her adoption and I give myself major props for being able to pull off an adoption at the age of 24. But I still mourn that I couldn't feel her kick inside of me, I couldn't share seeing her for the first time with my husband. I couldn't look at her for months without feeling guilt and pain for her birth mother.

I would love to share the joy of being pregnant with my family.

And I mourn that I may not be able to.

And that's what makes me totally normal.

Out of the Loop!

My apologies to the many people who have called me out on Messenger, e-mail, text, phone, etc. I am on survival mode for the time being.

YES I still love ALL of you...my friends...the people who know I am not usually so...quiet and unreturning of e-mails etc.

Survival mode has caused me to need to stay close to my family right now, and immerse myself in work. I promise the e-mails will be returned shortly...as well as to our regular scheduled programming, there is much to discuss.

All my love.

Be Aware.

I have been debating for months and months as to whether or not I should blog about this particular situation. Some things have arisen today that tell us that this person is NOT in anyway who she claimed herself to be, and with the announcement of our being chosen by our a birth mother, this person who shall be known as "C" has begun attacking me, my friends, and is saying very hurtful and untrue things for whatever reason. I hope that if you have been one of the people targeted, and that this person has e-mailed you, that you will feel comfortable to come to me, to e-mail me, so that we can discuss further and talk through what is happening. I appreciate those of you who have come forward to tell me about these e-mails and this contact from this person. For this reason I feel it is very important to share these things I am about to share with you. Hopefully this way, no one will have to hurt the way our family has been hurt, and continues to be hurt by those who are untruthful and dishonest and are just out to hurt people like me and my husband, and others hoping to adopt. Stick with me, it is worth it.

Firstly, an article from the Someone's Missing Handbook, Making Your Adoption Happen, A Finder's Guide for Families who are Hoping to Adopt.

Internet Safety--Adoption

Avoiding Online Fraud Adopting a child can be one the happiest occasions in your life. In order to have a positive experience, you must take some precautions, especially when using the Internet. The likelihood of fraud is greater unless you take proper care.To protect yourself, consider the following points:
Due to your strong desire for a baby, you may be vulnerable to online scams and unreasonable requests that are not in your best interest.


Always choose an ethical path for your adoption, which is not necessarily the shortest or easiest path. For instance, some states require birth father notification before a court approves an adoption to occur. In addition, all states dictate that adoptions are subject to finalizing court custodial decrees prior to a couple crossing state boundaries to return home with the baby. These laws can cause inconveniences to adoptive couples but are required. Other ethical issues may also surface that call in to question the best interest of all parties to the adoption. For example, a birth parent may request that an adoptive couple pay for inappropriate items, services, or procedures that have nothing to do with support through her pregnancy. Couples are strongly encouraged to abide by the laws and ethical practices of adoption.
Protect your privacy. In online profiles, don't mention your employer, salary, home or work phone numbers. Invite birth mothers to call your adoption cell phone number if you are in possession of one.


Don't make a hasty decision, no matter how anxious you are for a child. Don't over commit to anyone until your caseworker has had time to check out the situation.
Money should only be given through the agency. Do not give money directly to the birth mother. The agency will approve expenses and disburse funds directly to the appropriate person such as a landlord, physician, or utility company.
The most common form of fraud involves someone who accepts money from an adoptive family knowing that she will never place a child for adoption. She may promise a child to several families, collecting money from each.


Be cautious with anyone who contacts you directly and prefers to work only through you. A woman who is sincere about adoption will provide you with specific contact information and she should respect your request that she talk with your caseworker.

Additional Red Flags

The birth mom wants to bring the baby to you. She may say this to get you to buy a plane ticket for her that she can cash in later. Most true birth mothers want you to come to them.

The birth mom is not available by phone or the address is not verifiable.
She does not provide proof of pregnancy or other requested documents. She seems to always have a reason for not sending you identifying information. She may have a sudden miscarriage or hospitalization when you ask for too much information.

She does not want you to contact anyone else concerning her pregnancy. She will not give you real names or numbers of doctors.

It's rare, but has happened: fraud not for money, but for attention or to inflict harm. In these cases the birth parent is not pregnant at all. She may be desperately lonely and in need of psychological help. She wants to talk intimately with someone and knows she can find emotionally fragile adoptive parents who will care about her. Her victims are manipulated into longing for the child. The game lasts only until she is asked to document her pregnancy or to meet the agency caseworker.

Birth Mother Scams

In the middle of the night you may receive a call from a woman you don't know. She has put off her decision to place the child for adoption until the last possible moment. She is in the hospital and going into labor.

Ask her to tell you the name of the hospital and her doctor. Give this information to your caseworker who can call the hospital maternity ward to verify the woman's story.Some homeless birth mothers are truly in need of assistance. You will want them to be safe and, if the law allows, the agency may provide them with services that include housing assistance. Your caseworker will verify their story before spending any money.

Screening Your Birth Mother

As a prospective adopting parent, your main worry may be whether the birth parent you will connect with will complete the adoption. The first task is to confirm her sincerity about the adoption. This can be difficult, especially if she is located far from where you live. In your first phone call, find out her phone number and the location from which she is calling. With this information, you may be able to enlist the help of an agency caseworker in her area to meet with her and verify her information.In response to your online profile, you may receive e-mails from people who claim to represent a birth mother. It is best to say, "Great! Have her contact us or our caseworker. We'd like to talk and we'll send you some information you can give her."If this person says, "You can only go through me to reach her, " consider that a red flag and move cautiously.

Please consider these additional tips when screening a birth mother.

Search out her contact name using Google (e.g. JaneDoe@yahoo.com...type in "JaneDoe" on Google.) If the birth mother is using a different name while chatting with an instant messenger program, perform a Google search on this name as well. If you are dealing with a scammer, you may find they they have posted information on other Web sites.

If your contact has sent you pictures, right click on the picture and obtain the picture's file name. Take the file name and perform an "Image" Google search. Some scammers steal pictures off of other Web pages and then send them to adoptive couples claiming the picture as their own. Be very cautious when you use this screening technique as searching some contact images may lead to Web sites that are pornographic in nature.

Some adoptive couples have visited online forums such as www.forums.adoption. com. Couples who have encountered a contact that turned out to be a scam may post this information on these forums. Building a networking relationship with other online adoptive couples can be valuable in detecting fraudulent contacts who claim to be birth parents. Always exercise caution when networking online as information you receive may not always be accurate.

A contact may give you a cellular or residential telephone number. The Internet has many Web sites where you can verify a contact's telephone number. This is called a "reverse look-up" and allows you to type in a contact's cellular or residential phone number to ensure it matches up with the name. Some sites are free while others require payment for use.

Verifying a contact person's state or city in important when screening birth mothers. Web sites such as www.switchboard.com allow you to search by name or telephone number.
One of the best tools to screen birth parents in your LDS Family Services' caseworker. Your caseworker can help you find out and verify information. When a birth parent visits an LDS Family Services office, the caseworker can verify information and pregnancy status.

SO...

Now that this icky stuff is out of the way, I want to tell you about "C". C started contact with us in April of this year. She said she was seventeen, was pregnant, and had initially contacted us through the LDSFS website. Through the course of a few weeks we became extremely close, and eventually she told Hubbs and I that she wanted to place her baby with us. Great, we were excited, thrilled, and if any of you know us, we were going through a really emotional time during all of this, having lost our baby...and really our relationship with C was never one but love and care and concern for her and for her baby...we wanted to help her in any way possible, even if she didn't place her baby with us, we wanted her to get the help that she needed. I'm here to tell you today that C was NOT who she said she was, she was/and is a scammer, and hopefully I can share with you what I have learned so that she will not hurt anyone else, and especially those that I love and care for so dearly as she is currently doing.

In our situation, these are the red flags that we ignored at first...

There was ALWAYS some emergency...she was sick A LOT...always in the hospital, always some problem with her parents. She said her mom had died of cancer a few years prior and that she was struggling with her step-mother.

She was going to run away from home, and come stay with us. When she asked if this was okay and we initially told her it wouldn't be a good idea, she used that to her advantage and made us feel terrible, like we had done something wrong...which we hadn't and we were in the right.

She would NEVER go to the agency and talk to a worker. She was REALLY good about making ME feel good that she wanted ME to go with her (she lived out of state) just another red flag that she wasn't who she said she was and wasn't willing to make things legit.

She had what we believe, to be using a fake name, her Facebook, which she added me to, and then later blocked me from when I got smart, had many many friends from where she said she lived, but guess what? None of those friends ever wrote on her wall. No one ever asked her how she was doing, etc. She didn't have pictures on her Facebook either.

She would never send US pictures. One night and one night only she would trade up tiny pictures over instant messaging, and then one night she uploaded a ton of pictures to Facebook, then mysteriously the next day they were gone...so that I couldn't even show Hubbs. Hmmm. Then as her due date approached, she sent me a picture of JUST a belly, no head...just a pregnant belly, which of course we all know, you can't verify who the person is with no head. Interesting.

We would make plans to meet with her, seven times to be exact, and she would never show up...or some emergency would happen and she would not be able to make it...at least at first she was kind enough to let us know she wasn't coming...up until the fourth time I think...then she just got lazy and rude and wouldn't call or anything for days later.

So, during this time, up until three or so weeks into it, we trusted her, believed her...then we put it out for the world on the blog...when a sweet friend, after reading the post called me and told me to be careful, that the things C had written to us in our little post were some of the exact things another birth mother had written to her. The reference to the baby as "Munchkin" or "Gremlin" both terms which another suspected scammer had used on my friend and her husband....Hubbs and I had been concerned for a few days about C being a scammer...this is when I did some hard core searching and finding to see what I could come up with...

I paid to have her phone number searched...her phone was indeed made out to the name she said was hers, but no valid address. No information could be found on her father or her step mother. There were no people on Facebook or MySpace that matched the names of her sibling...strange and weird seeing how she said they had them...?!

Then I started googling her name...her ID's for everything that I knew...and low and behold eBay...the lovely thing that it is was THE KEY...this C had mentioned to me that she was selling her iPod on eBay...silly silly C...well I noticed that she was using the same id on eBay as she had for her e-mail, for her instant messenger etc...and that she had changed her id in the last few weeks, about the same time she contacted us...hmmm...and guess what her old eBay user id led me to? An accused adoption scammer from New Mexico...and where was this eBay user from? Well none other than New Mexico.

There is a lady, Lynne who runs http://www.adoptionscams.net/ who was an angel and a princess at this time. She helped me find out all sorts of information on C...by the way that is NOT her name...nothing she said was EVER true to my knowledge, she was NOT 18, definitely NOT pregnant, and definitely NOT who she said she was. She was in fact, 32, has a warrant out for her arrest in New Mexico (hope you are aware C) and has been scamming couples like my husband and I since 2004.

I NEVER wanted to hurt C...even when I knew she wasn't who she said she was. I never wanted anything bad to happen to her. I feel really confused right now as to why she is trying to hurt me and my family. Some crazy stuff.

So, now, she has taken it upon herself to e-mail some of my dearest friends in the world and tell them horrible lies and things that she herself said about her own friends, her own family. She is mean, she is nasty...and once she is caught she turns (as has been apparent in the past) and basically turns wicked.

I just wanted to put this out there because I never felt it was my place to talk about my scamming experience, but this person has taken it upon herself to stalk my family, my life, and ruin it for whatever reason. I am not afraid of her. I don't want her or anyone like her to hurt those that I love. So, especially to my friends in the adoption world, be careful...I am so thankful that my friend called met the day that she did...and more than likely C and her H are the same people.

Be aware...

Not Good.

Sigh.

Today was not a good day.

I messed up royally.

I almost hate myself.

I am so confused.

I wish I were smarter, keener, listened better.

I feel like throwing up.

I feel like I am not worthy.

I wonder if I am?

I wonder what I should do?

I wonder if I am strong enough.

I wonder what Father in Heaven wants from me?

I wonder if Satan is working overtime on me?

I wonder if these tears will stop.

I wonder if I can take anymore?

I wonder why He thought I could handle this?

I wonder if I can.

I feel like a failure.

I am so so so sorry.

Thoughts on LJ and Foster Care

I get a lot of questions about how Foster Care is going. How long LJ will be with us. "What's his story?" Unfortunately due to confidences we aren't allowed to share. I know that this is no news to anyone. I'm not even allowed to put a picture of his face for you all to see. (Very understandable.) So, I decided I would make this post for all of the "Hoping to Adopt" couples and people even contemplating doing Foster Care. I hope to be extremely candid and answer any and all questions and let you know the nitty gritty of what I have felt the last two months...and surprisingly where I am at in this stage of the game.

LJ has been with us for two months now. We have been on a roller coaster ride where his case is concerned. He came to us on a "Foster Only" basis. Meaning, he was on intensive reunification with his mother. He was seeing her three times a week at that point. Somewhere along the way that grew to four times a week and is now down to one time a week (sorta). We have been told so many different things concerning him, we just say whatever to it all now and just love him and give him all he needs while he is here with us.

My biggest problem with the whole thing is that I felt a little "tricked" into taking him. This is nothing against little LJ but against the system itself. He had been in a shelter home (emergency home) for 50 days. When they called us (specifically knowing we only wanted to take a child 12 months and younger) they told us he was 18 months old. What is another 6 months right? Well, in terms of children who have not had the best care...it was a lot! Plus, since he was considered "foster only" (I'll explain why later) we couldn't even read his file which would have said specifically WHAT he had been through in his short life. So...we have a few hours to decide. In our crazy state and our big hearts we say YES! Well, he comes to us and he is 22 months old. YES, 22 months. That is, TWO years old. We find out that he is considered Foster Only because they couldn't find a home for him because of his intensive reunify status. And all of the Shelter Homes were FULL so they needed him out. Isn't the system LOVERLY?

So, you all know what happened less than 24 hours after he came to us right? So naturally I wasn't in THE best state a foster parent could be in. So really, that same week (I am ashamed to admit) we asked to have them find another family for him. I was a wreck. My kids were a wrech...and poor LJ didn't need to be in a home where another mother was a wreck. It was all just TOO much to handle. Remember I said our hearts are big? Well that is why he is still here. Somehow or another we pushed through all the shiz and here we are two months later, because seriously he was supposed to go live with grandparents, then with Mom. Now, hopefully in the next few weeks he can go back to be with mom. He has been in the system for almost six months. They give parents AT LEAST eight to get it together to have their children back. SO, either in the next few weeks he will be back with her, or they will screen him for "legal risk" which means they will screen families (including ours) and find the best possible fit for him...which means he may be able to be adopted by a family.

In our hearts, we honestly and completely feel he is meant for another family. We have never felt an overwhelming impression that he would be here for a very long time. But if it becomes necessary, we will have the dice thrown in our favor...so wherever the cookie crumbles...if he is to stay here we will keep him forever...if not and there is a better and more eternal placement for him, the state will find it. Hope that makes sense.

I think Foster Care is a wonderful avenue for those searching to add to their family. It is not easy, but it is doable. We have learned to love more fully and more unconditionally. We have learned that sometimes there is MORE out there to give of ourselves than we realize. My advice would be to stick with what you are comfortable with. If you don't think you could foster an older child, then don't. It isn't fair to them and not fair to yourself if you feel like it isn't something you can do. Also, don't be afraid to say "no". Like most things in life, if you get the gut feeling that you shouldn't do it, then more than likely you shouldn't do it!

LJ's birthday is next week. We are looking forward to being the lucky ones to celebrate it with him! ;)