Tender Mercies

One of my all time favorite talks.

My apologies for no post yesterday. I hit the sack early. WAY early...because I have been getting to bed SUPER late. Or super early, depending on where on earth you live. Ha!

The last few days, my mind has been focusing a lot on what I am thankful for. Thanksgiving is such a wonderful time of year. I wish it were in June or something though, because it gets the shaft in the shadow of Christmas. Nonetheless, feeling overly grateful for the things I have. We so easily get distracted by the seemingly grand things in life. The bills that pile up, the laundry that needs to be washed, dishes cleaned, car repairs, etc. How often do we take time to realize the blessings all around us and truly give thanks for them.

This year, especially today, I am thankful for the small and tender mercies that I have been blessed with. To share, I will name a few.

Thankful for exactly two manilla envelopes left. For without them, I would have to ship in a box and it would cost a lot more and drain our already dwindling bank account.

Thankful that as I was running LATE that I found an open parking spot that was CLOSE to the building I was headed into.

Thankful that during these trying economic times that I found the perfect Christmas present for one of my kids. $3 vs. $50. I heart Savers.

Thankful for aunt flow coming four days early instead of four days late.

Thankful for a medical bill of $8,000 instead of a funeral bill.

Thankful my children have a mother.

Thankful for friends who care so much about me. Especially the ones who came and packed away all that baby stuff. Did I ever tell you how much that meant to me?

Thankful to have kissed on these chubby cheeks. Thankful he is safe now.

Thankful for Adoption. That is has blessed my life and the lives of countless people who I love.

Thankful I can run.

Thankful for a talent that blesses my life in more ways than I can count.

Thankful for these munchies.




Thankful for him.


Just oh so very, utterly thankful.

Wow.

I will reiterate that I have some of THE best friends in the entire world.

Pupil, is one of them. She comes over weekly to my house, with agenda in hand and we meet about adoption, we discuss adoption...among other things. She is the one who encouraged me to post every day for the month of November about adoption. Funny, when I woke up this morning and checked my blog almost around noon, I came and there were 21 comments. I was like, "WHAT?!" I didn't think the post was THAT grand...so I started reading comment after comment, then I got to anonymous...and then I saw mrs. r's comment, and then comment after comment from people I have met, most I have not...and tears rolled down my cheeks when I realized that these people had read the comment long before I had, they were on a mission to not let one person hurt another one of our sisters...sisters in blogland, sisters in infertility, sisters in adoption...

Every word in her post struck me...right down to the irony. She was at my home when I was writing the "Are you there God?" post. It was a tag team post. Brilliantly thought up and wonderfully executed. As I wrote it, I said over my shoulder, "You know what happened the last time I posted something this deep..." Well, I was so hurt and so crushed that I deleted the blog I had had for over a year. How utterly sad that was. How could I let one person dictate who I was?

Well, it won't happen this time. As you can see...just like me, there are HUNDREDS, and THOUSANDS of women and men who suffer with this particular trial.

You know what? The past three years of wanting another child have taught me, to love more deeply, to cherish EVERY moment because they are so fleeting. To suggest for even a moment that I am not thankful and grateful for what I have been given, it only proves that the person who tried to hurt me does not know me. Every night before I go to bed I spend a large amount of time by the bedside of my children. I hold their hands, I sweep the hair from their little faces, I cover them up...I kiss their cheeks. I recognize and realize that they may be the only children I ever get to have. I kneel down and thank my Father in Heaven for them, and because of the joy I have in them, that is the reason I want to be a mother again.

I want to thank EACH of you for your love and support yesterday. It meant so much to me. It brought tears to my eyes. Every comment touched my heart, if any of you are struggling through something similar, I encourage you to take the time to read each comment, because there is strength in not feeling alone. I will leave you with one particular comment that touched my heart especially, and in keeping with the spirit of the posting this month, I think it is perfect. Thank you Ashley.

I totally understand where you're coming from.I have a daughter through adoption.

I don't want another baby yet.

I am not ready to face my "broken" body again.

I want to feel normal.

I want to have just something, ANYTHING happen without a million pieces of drama, an ordeal or having to lay out my entire life history to the world.

I hate having no privacy.

I hate the fact that the events surrounding the birth of my daughter, and the 45 days afterwards, were spent in fear and pain, not joy. We never talk about it.

I hate the loss of the other children I'd hoped for. I had also envisioned myself with kids in a pew; four, to be exact. But it looks like two may be our limit. That kills me.

I hate that people don't try to understand. That you're told, "Be grateful." It's like being told, after losing your leg, to be grateful for the other one. It's not that you aren't grateful for your leg, your arms and every other appendage you've been given, but you still miss the lost leg.

Having to once again face your own infertility is just another reminder that you're a freak. You can't do what God designed you to do. If you can't produce children, then what good is having the instincts? It's being reminded of all the hopes and dreams you have had to let go of, ones you've probably had since you were a girl.

I love my daughter. I couldn't love her more if I'd made her out of playdough myself. I celebrate her adoption and I give myself major props for being able to pull off an adoption at the age of 24. But I still mourn that I couldn't feel her kick inside of me, I couldn't share seeing her for the first time with my husband. I couldn't look at her for months without feeling guilt and pain for her birth mother.

I would love to share the joy of being pregnant with my family.

And I mourn that I may not be able to.

And that's what makes me totally normal.

I am a dork.

Photograph Courtesy of Lilliana, my client's daughter. Thanks Lilliana!

With a capital D. Yo peeps. How are you?

Me? well I would LOVE to lie and say I am doing My-T-Fine...but...well I already told you THAT would be a lie. And I don't lie...so...so what then? Then I will SPARE you the dramatics and update ya'll on LIFE.

I wish I had some more quirky and funny things to write about, but alas, we are BORING folks.

Let's talk about that photograph of me! I am SUCH a dork. I like it though, there aren't many of me...so I'll take it. I usually let my client's kids take a photo or two with my camera if they want...and she wanted and she did a great job. Such a cute family. Guess what?! I started RUNNING. Can you believe it? I can't. When I say "running" I mean, WITHOUT stopping. Not like I usually did when I said I went "jogging" or "running". I am training for something...I don't have the guts to put up WHAT...but when and if I feel I can actually do this I would be happy to share, for now...just know I am doing REALLY well and I am so PLEASED with myself. Just needed to pat myself on the back.

So, LJ...here is the OFFICIAL word. He leaves us on Thursday. This Thursday. I am not sure how I feel about all of this. I can't tell you how I feel about much of anything. I just hope he is happy...and that his mother is happy, and that his life will be MUCH better than when he came to us...and for his sake I hope he doesn't have to come back here! (Because if he did it would mean he would have endured more trauma...he just needs stability.)

Well for the sake of having this be ultra long. I'll leave the post here. Have a good day!

Not Sure...

...exactly what I am feeling, or have been feeling the last few days. I thought I was doing so well, but I am not. There is just unfortunately too much to share on this blog world viewable blog, and too much that I. Just. Can't. Share.

LJ's caseworker came today. She comes once a month to see him, how he interacts with us, to see his room, to make sure we don't lock him in closets etc. (Not funny, but really that is, in essence what they do.)

She informed us that he would be spending the weekend with Mom again. His birthday is Saturday. That means he will be with Mom on his birthday. What is my problem? I have a HUGE problem with this. I am just jacked up. I am beginning to realize that I may not be cut out for Foster Care, and their goal of "reunification". I am feeling a bit too much anger, and despite my prayers for LJ and for his mom, I am having a hard time dealing with things. I guess I am realizing how hard it is going to be for me when and if he goes back with her. I guess I am not sure what it is that I really want for him, or for us. I'm just feeling sad about all of it. There is a good chance...that he may be with Mom sooner than we realize...maybe a week?!

I have been thinking how much I want a little baby to join our family, how I think I want that more than anything. I opened up an e-mail address that I send all my "junk" to. You know...one that I never check...and the millions of messages in there are all about how far along I would be in my pregnancy. I haven't even given it a second thought since my doctor's appointment two weeks after our loss. I guess we would be 26 weeks now. It is just doing funky things with my brain. The past nine weeks...oh my.

There is just so much more...

PASSION!

Passion that I feel in my heart...but don't have the words to express it as eloquently as Mrs. R does. Go, tell her how awesome she is...and consider her words.

Thoughts on LJ and Foster Care

I get a lot of questions about how Foster Care is going. How long LJ will be with us. "What's his story?" Unfortunately due to confidences we aren't allowed to share. I know that this is no news to anyone. I'm not even allowed to put a picture of his face for you all to see. (Very understandable.) So, I decided I would make this post for all of the "Hoping to Adopt" couples and people even contemplating doing Foster Care. I hope to be extremely candid and answer any and all questions and let you know the nitty gritty of what I have felt the last two months...and surprisingly where I am at in this stage of the game.

LJ has been with us for two months now. We have been on a roller coaster ride where his case is concerned. He came to us on a "Foster Only" basis. Meaning, he was on intensive reunification with his mother. He was seeing her three times a week at that point. Somewhere along the way that grew to four times a week and is now down to one time a week (sorta). We have been told so many different things concerning him, we just say whatever to it all now and just love him and give him all he needs while he is here with us.

My biggest problem with the whole thing is that I felt a little "tricked" into taking him. This is nothing against little LJ but against the system itself. He had been in a shelter home (emergency home) for 50 days. When they called us (specifically knowing we only wanted to take a child 12 months and younger) they told us he was 18 months old. What is another 6 months right? Well, in terms of children who have not had the best care...it was a lot! Plus, since he was considered "foster only" (I'll explain why later) we couldn't even read his file which would have said specifically WHAT he had been through in his short life. So...we have a few hours to decide. In our crazy state and our big hearts we say YES! Well, he comes to us and he is 22 months old. YES, 22 months. That is, TWO years old. We find out that he is considered Foster Only because they couldn't find a home for him because of his intensive reunify status. And all of the Shelter Homes were FULL so they needed him out. Isn't the system LOVERLY?

So, you all know what happened less than 24 hours after he came to us right? So naturally I wasn't in THE best state a foster parent could be in. So really, that same week (I am ashamed to admit) we asked to have them find another family for him. I was a wreck. My kids were a wrech...and poor LJ didn't need to be in a home where another mother was a wreck. It was all just TOO much to handle. Remember I said our hearts are big? Well that is why he is still here. Somehow or another we pushed through all the shiz and here we are two months later, because seriously he was supposed to go live with grandparents, then with Mom. Now, hopefully in the next few weeks he can go back to be with mom. He has been in the system for almost six months. They give parents AT LEAST eight to get it together to have their children back. SO, either in the next few weeks he will be back with her, or they will screen him for "legal risk" which means they will screen families (including ours) and find the best possible fit for him...which means he may be able to be adopted by a family.

In our hearts, we honestly and completely feel he is meant for another family. We have never felt an overwhelming impression that he would be here for a very long time. But if it becomes necessary, we will have the dice thrown in our favor...so wherever the cookie crumbles...if he is to stay here we will keep him forever...if not and there is a better and more eternal placement for him, the state will find it. Hope that makes sense.

I think Foster Care is a wonderful avenue for those searching to add to their family. It is not easy, but it is doable. We have learned to love more fully and more unconditionally. We have learned that sometimes there is MORE out there to give of ourselves than we realize. My advice would be to stick with what you are comfortable with. If you don't think you could foster an older child, then don't. It isn't fair to them and not fair to yourself if you feel like it isn't something you can do. Also, don't be afraid to say "no". Like most things in life, if you get the gut feeling that you shouldn't do it, then more than likely you shouldn't do it!

LJ's birthday is next week. We are looking forward to being the lucky ones to celebrate it with him! ;)

Today.

I feel like I haven't had a lot of time to get out and photograph the SPRING. I think spring may officially be gone, as I looked at the trees today they are all FULL of leaves. Man o man, where'd the time go? This top photograph was the ONLY photograph I took of blossoms. It is totally crap...soft focus. Oh well, it still says "spring" and I want to hold onto spring for as long as I can.

This one is just for fun, it is part of my "Top Secret" shoot that I can't really talk about, but I have no idea why...so I won't talk about it...but you can see for yourself how cool it must be.

I'm feeling...oh, reminiscent today. This is not usually my thang as I like to look to the future, always trying to plan my life down to the second. I guess it is all part of my "letting go" for the year. Words I haven't really thought of for a while...but need to remember more that my goal for this year was letting go.

I wish I could share more about little LJ's case. This week has been a rocky and rough one for me in terms of my feelings. My feelings about his situation, about his mom, about how much I wish and long for him. Through all the prayers and tears Heavenly Father has shown me the answers to "why" and has shown me that I will survive letting go of him. He'll be okay.

Not quite sure what this post was all about...just wanted to sit and let some thoughts flow. Have a good weekend everyone!

This kid has personality.

Sometimes...sometimes, I think that LJ is out to get me. Sometimes I think that he doesn't take a nap when the other kids are, just because he knows how much I need that hour to myself. Sometimes, I think he needs that time with me, with someone, and sometimes the things he does just make me LAUGH out LOUD. Things like this:

(Sorry about the creepy black box...I got creative because I am dying to post about this.)

When I went into his room for the tenth time yesterday to make sure he was lying in bed, not taking every last bit of clothing out of the drawers, he must have heard me coming, because I saw him running to his bed wearing this snazzy attire. How could I be upset? I let him up, took a few photos and put him back to bed. I made the mistake of putting the tie and hat away...and he had them on within two minutes of me putting him down again.

Little Dude...you bring sunshine. I hope you always know how much you are loved.

He gets to spend the weekend with Mom. I take him to her in the morning. I've been a little teary today. But thankful that he can be safe with his family again soon.

My heart melts...

...sometimes with this little boy. Tonight he says to me, "Mom, I'm LJ's big brother huh?"

Totally litte man...you are. One of THE best big brothers EVER.

Going to miss...

These moments... The moments when I would catch all three of them like this. Playing, laughing, loving one another. These moments have been becoming more and more frequent. We find ourselves getting very teary at the thought of next week. Next week this little man could be gone.
And my heart that was so fearful of his arrival, is weeping at his departure. We love you little LJ. Thank you for touching our lives and our hearts with your presence.

It is amazing to me...the power of LOVE. The power of Adoption. The power of Foster Care. Heavenly Father designed the heart so perfectly. Something that is so easily broken, is so easily repaired by another's love, so easily grown and sewn back together to only burst to overflowing with more LOVE.

Love is a pretty cool thing.

Foster Care

I guess I should have waited to update y'all about little LJ. Got a call today. Change is coming it seems.

Visits have been extended to four times a week, and for longer periods of time. I can handle that. After seeing how happy and excited he was to see mom today, I was happy they would have more time together.

I've really come to love LJ's family. I love his grandfather specifically and especially. I am concerned for them, for his mom. They are SO full of love, it is just sad that some things in life create a barrier to the things that are most important. It is my prayer that LJ's mom can find the strength to push forth, and that little LJ will always know how much he is loved, wanted and needed in this life, especially when he leaves us.

He wasn't feeling the greatest today, he had a fever today and since he had seen his mom, was fighting his nap. I went in and just talked to him, caressed his little face until his eyes closed. My mind kept wandering to his mom. I keep thinking about if I were in her position, I would hope that if my kids were in someone else's care, there would be someone there to give them lots of hugs, lots of kisses, and extra time and care if they were sick. My heart has grown SO much through this experience, and each day is getting easier. It is very much worth it.

L to the J...

Oh my goodness, can you say M.I.A? I swear I have sat down to write this past week, but something always comes up. I have so much to catch up on, but A LOT of you have been asking how LJ is doing...so here's a little Foster Care update for ya'll...

Life has finally settled down here. LJ is doing really, really well. He has his moments, but it is then that I need to remind myself that he is just two, and he is not out to get me. ;) In all honesty, he is a very good boy, and he is so beautiful. I am not sure if it is okay to post photographs of him or not. I am barring on the side it isn't the best idea, but I'll contemplate it some more and hopefully share in the next little while.

We know a little more about his case, unfortunately I can't share that information with anyone, or discuss with anyone except his caseworker (seems crazy and perhaps a little silly, but sometimes you just need to vent right?), but what I can tell you is that he more than likely won't be with us as long as we had originally been told. The funny thing about Foster Care I have found is that a lot of people have NO CLUE as to an answer to your question, as there is just SO much unknown in the Foster Care world. What I can tell you is, that he sees his mom and brother three times a week, and things seem to be going really well.

LJ has a really hard time on the days he sees mom. I can tell he is really confused and basically wonders, "Why the heck are you people taking me home with you again?!" He has a hard time adjusting on those days, and he doesn't like to nap or sleep on those days either.

We have fallen in love with him. That is really good for him, bad for us, because we know he isn't staying...we have been preparing ourselves to let him go soon. That thought isn't as hard to think about as it used to be.

I'll leave you with a funny story:

On Friday, I took LJ into the office to visit with mom. When I got into the waiting room, Mom was on the phone and Grandpa and Grandma were there. Grandpa tells LJ, "Go give Momma a hug." LJ runs over to me with wide open arms and I get the best hug ever. I am 100% sure he meant for LJ to give HIS mom a hug...and I know I am not his mom, but it was nice to have that little bit of a payoff.

In my heart...

Photograph Courtesy of Reed Photographic

...I want to be helped from this pit. I want to come and put on a happy smiley face and tell you all that I am fine, that the world is just peachy, that the sun is shining. I am still fine one minute, and bawling like mad the next. Well, at least the bawling comes few and far between, but little bouts of tears now and then. I feel myself avoidant of things. I haven't left my house all week unless I had to. I don't want to. When I return home I just want to crawl into bed and die. I don't of course. Of course I have three little crazy kids running about the house fighting for my attention, and they require all of it. I am exhausted physically and emotionally from all of it. I haven't put on makeup for almost a week.

In my heart, I know this is not good. In my heart I just want to be myself again. I miss me. I miss knowing what Heavenly Father wants of me. I miss feeling trusted. I miss feeling like I had any control over my life whatsoever.

Someone asked a few days ago why I don't allow comments on these posts. I write them for my own sake, so that I remember how I am feeling, so that once I am finally out of the dark...I can more fully appreciate the light. I feel bad telling the world how hard this is for me to get through, how I just wish it to be a few months from now when I know that the picture will be clearer and my heart less empty.

Yesterday a dear, dear friend of mine from out of town surprised me by flying here to be with me and help me through this. I was almost beyond feeling when I saw her standing in my kitchen. I felt like I had nothing to offer her but my depressed self. It was so nice to be thought of, to not have to worry about fixing dinner, and that I could just sit on the couch as she mopped my floor in preparation for LJ's caseworker to visit. I let her do that. That impressed me. I just want her to know how much I appreciated that. Even though right now I don't know where "I" am.

This morning, some ladies from an Early Intervention program came over to test little LJ for developmental delays. (Holla to my mommy self for knowing that he was just fine...but appeased the caseworkers and such by allowing them to come. I was right, he is right on track...just a little two year old, but smart as a whip...) Anyway, as one of the ladies was giving the test, the nurse that was there asked me, "Who had the birthday? Or did somebody die or something?" Referencing the massive amounts of foliage on my kitchen island. I wish I had a tape recorder, it wasn't what she asked, but how. I broke down into tears and said, actually, the latter...and found myself having to explain and apologize for my sobs. GAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Some dudes came over today to help us plan our retirement. One of the dudes was this guy who is in the bishopric of the first ward we attended after we were married. I sat there at the table just staring off, with my intermittent squabble endings between Emms and LJ. I just cried as they were leaving, apologizing for the lack of my usual "Sunny Disposition". Oh sunny disposition where art thou? I hate being this way. I HATE IT!

Saturday

I had little LJ for five hours today.

HE was REALLY good, it is the dealing with my little two year old and him combined that had me thrown. Joth was SUCH a good boy today, he helped me so much. He was really concerned when we took him back to the shelter home. I assured him that indeed LJ was coming back in the morning. The shelter family wanted me to take him home today, I would have done it except we don't have a bed for him yet. We have a crib, but since we heard he would do better in a bed, we don't have that set up and we are preparing for him to share a room with Joth. I am sure these feelings are normal.

To be honest, I think I am losing it a little. This is a really good place for me to come and let go of some of my frustrations/insecurities/anxiety.

Flavio was gone all day, I think that was a good thing in one aspect, it lets me know I CAN do it...even though it is going to suck bad for about two weeks while we adjust. It wasn't easy without him. In fact he is REALLY late getting home and we still have a mountain of things we need to get done.

I have to just hermit myself, not go anywhere that is not absolutely necessary. If any of you out there want to get a hold of me, e-mail is going to be the best way for the next few weeks as I am trying to limit calls to family, caseworker, and clients. I just don't want anyone to feel offended, it is just one thing I have to let go to keep my sanity.

Well, I am off to Wal-mart for the last of the necessities and then to the furniture store to pick up the beds, then I am sure I will be up until one putting it all together. Tomorrow I'll try to post some photos of all the kids in their Easter best.

Have a happy day everyone, it is one of my favorite holidays!

We met him!

Can I just tell you how Satan has WORKED me over today? I dropped a few choice words to my husband and really to no one in particular. I could feel myself ripping apart. There was SOoooo much to do. I didn't get a nap, and I needed it more than anyone. I was REALLY anxious to meet this little boy.

We did it. And you know what? He is BEAUTIFUL. He was SO cute, and it wasn't until I saw him that my heart settled (not completely, but enough that I really felt I can do this...it still changes it's mind from time to time.) I could really SEE him in our home.

I know this will NOT be easy. I am not sure what is worse, knowing it will not be easy that has me frightened, or knowing that he will go home eventually?! I think it is both at this point.

Right now we are looking at 8 months with him. Generally it is about a year. If it goes longer, there is extended family that will step in and keep him. Golly, living with that is tough. It would be so much easier to know he was coming and staying forever. This is the tough stuff they told us about!

Anyway, thank you for all of your support, and I WILL NEED YOUR PRAYERS. I am near unto tears every other minute today...I just need to be strong.

Out of my mind...

We got a call yesterday afternoon from our Family Resource Consultant with the state. She is the one in charge of choosing children who will be placed in our home with Foster Care.

We are getting a placement this weekend. A little boy, two years old. I'll call him LJ. We are going to meet him tonight. (Not something that usually happens, but because he is so little they like to 'transition'.)

I will be MIA for a little while. I have had a few of my friends call today and it has just been one thing after another. I am so close to tears, because, well, I am afraid out of my mind. I'm going to devote the next two weeks to the children in my home. And help this little boy transition into how we run things, I hope he is happy here. I want him to feel all the love we are welcoming him with.

Can I do this? Am I capable? Am I even a good enough mother to give him all the love he will need? I know I can do this, but I am afraid. :( I wish I were stronger and wouldn't have to admit that I am fearful.

Well...

Now that I have been officially brought to tears for the second day in a row, and sadly half of the people who read this blog have already read "the" post...I know a lot of you have, proof is in the countless phone calls and e-mails I have received in the past hour.

I was hoping to announce to everyone sometime next week after I had my next appointment, (I had a really fun way of telling you all) but now is as good a time as any... yes it is true.

To answer all of your questions I am delightful to say that I am 16 weeks pregnant. Two weeks ago (about the same time I was going to tell the world) I began to have some complications, and worrying that things might not be top notch, wanted to wait two more weeks until my appointment.

So, as of right now, everything is okay.

Yes, our caseworker with LDSFS knows, we no longer have our paperwork into adopt.

As long as everything goes well, this will be our last baby.

I just want to share a bit of the sacred experience that I feel brought us to this time. It is our experience, I don't expect anyone to understand or to feel what I know in my heart. We have worked SO hard the past two years to welcome another child into our home. We put our paperwork in for an adoption, we went through all of the classes and paperwork to become Foster Parents. I feel like we have done all that we can do. In December I had a very good appointment with my doctor, who told me at that time, "Go home, I think you're ovulating!" And three days later, as we sat in the bishop's office during tithing settlement, he asked if he could leave a blessing on our family. He said THE most wonderful prayer. I felt the spirit so strong, I do not doubt that this was the day our little baby held onto life...and a few short weeks later we were blessed with the news that we were expecting a baby.

So now you know.

I just want to take the time to personally thank each and every one of you for your help and support on this journey. Especially the r house who tirelessly has handed out our passalong cards. Along with countless others who helped us on our journey the past year. I had no clue that a month after we sent out our Christmas letter that we would find out we were expecting. I often wonder about Heavenly Father's plan for me. It would have been so much easier to not have gone through what we have endured. I just want to make it clear that you don't get pregnant the second you put in your adoption paperwork. That is just silly and an uneducated thing to say. I only wish that were true, not only for us but for the hundreds of eager couples waiting to adopt a baby. It was not an easy decision not to tell our friends and family right away. With my other pregnancies it was never a big deal, everyone knew the second we did. We just barely told our own parents that we were expecting. For some reason this time around we just felt we needed to wait, and when the timing was right we knew. I felt that again two weeks ago as we were about to share our happy news, but again the time wasn't right. Thank you for all of your prayers, warm thoughts, and well wishes on our behalf.

There is a purpose to everything. I have been brought into lives that I needed to touch, and been brought into lives that needed to touch me. I am so thankful to be a member of FSA, and hope to continue to serve and help teach the world about adoption. Look at my linky list, I have a whole bunch of friends over to the left who need your help. Please don't forget them!

Much love!

Ready, Set? GO!

As of today, we are OFFICIALLY waiting for our first foster care placement through the state. We had our final interview, and turned in the final clump of the mountain of paperwork to the worker and we are finished and waiting.

What does this mean? Well, it means we are still hoping to adopt, that isn't changing. What it means is that we will be helping little children who are displaced from their parents for various reasons. Whether it be neglect, abuse, parents on drugs, failure to thrive, etc. While we are considered foster parents there is the likelihood, with each case that a child that comes into our home may stay indefinitely. Chances are, probably not. The State of Utah has a really high rate of reunification, and the goal of the foster care system is not adoption, but instead to help parents get on the right track to keep their children. This is not to say that we may never be able to adopt with the state, the chances vary so much.

So, I ask you, each of you out there to just remember us in your prayers, once, maybe tonight that the right child(ren) will come into our home, and that hopefully we will not have to have our hearts crushed too much if our sweet baby/child is to come to our home through foster care. Either way, I am excited, eager, and undoubtedly ready for this quest and can't wait to add another brother or sister into that little line up, up there!