Did you know?

That I have a beautiful life?

As in, grade-a amazing?

I have grown so much in the past two months, it is astounding. I attribute that to my faith. I also attribute it to myself and getting to know myself and loving myself more. Trusting in who I am inside, who I was born to be, and letting her shine through.

It is not an easy thing to do by any means. It is hard. Some days I cry. Some days I still don't want to get out of bed. Some days I am not the perfect mother (okay most days). Still, I am trying. Trying to be better, and reach farther, and I am making huge strides.

Huge. Strides.

I hope that you are too.

Have a happy weekend.

xo

~Kim

envision:

My last post was also my 500th post.

(But if you count the two years I de-blogged, it is more like my 1000th post.
Just FYI.
Love you, thanks for coming back and loving me through all the shee.)
Please come back next week for a special celebratory giveaway!

FRIENDS!

The most amazing thing is happening this summer.
on
July 13, 2010!

My friends Natalie Norton and Jonathan Canlas are having a one day Workshop.
I am going to be there.
Are you?
PLEASE oh please come and hang with me, and meet these amazing photographer's and people!
I love the name:

envision
(ironically my 'Norton' anti virus just popped up on my screen, it is a sign you must come!)


e-mail Natalie or Jon for details:

natalienorton{at}gmail{dot} com
jonathan{dot}canlas{at}gmail{dot}com

and have a glorious day.

<3 me.

Being a photographer:

...is a lot like this video. Oi...the hilarity.

In Peace

I will try to ignore the way this 'funeral' came about.

I won't tell you it is because this tiny bird was sitting across the street on the porch of the vacant home probably since Millz was born.
I will try to not get into the fact that every day my children have gone over to look at the dead bird that fell out of the nest.
I will even refrain from telling you that yesterday my kids ripped off one of the dead bird's wings with their
bare hands.

I won't tell you how I freaked out when Memms brought said wing to me, or how I began ranting that we need to respect life, la la la la la.

After I washed hands and gave baths, I reset myself and we taught about respect for living things, and so...

A funeral in pictures:

Touched.

I had the most amazing morning.

The past few weeks have been really draining on me
mentally as far as work is concerned.

I have been going through that motion of,
"Am I good enough?"
"Why am I even doing this?!"

Just the normal things I struggle with and have always struggled with
(lack of self-confidence maybe? Probably.)
I dunno.

I have been praying about it.
Heavenly Father and I are pretty tight these days.
I really mean this, with no exaggeration.

Take last night for instance.
I am on a session in Ogden, UT...the dark, dark storm clouds
are coming about a million miles an hour.
I commence praying my guts out that the downpour doesn't
happen until the session is over.

I joke with the couple,
"Don't worry, God and I a pretty tight, and it is not going to rain until we are done with our session."
45 minutes later, as I am getting ready to pose the last shot, it begins to rain.
Finish the session, get to my car, and it begins to DOWN. POUR.

Really? REALLY!
So, jokingly during the session the wife says to me,
"Could you pray for my husband? He is looking for a new job."
We both giggle. I say,
"SURE! I will tonight."
She texts me early this morning to tell me her husband got the job he wanted TODAY!
Seriously? SERIOUSLY!

Funny. But true.
I am really being silly right now, but the thing that is not silly is that my faith is strong...
and I recognize the tender mercies Father has been blessing my little family with.

...and today was no different.

I log into Facebook, and a client from 9 months ago posts this to my wall:

"So we finally have the pictures you took up on the walls here. They look AMAZING. My husband said:
"The only problem is they look like they were the pictures that came in the frames."
Last night we had the relief society presidency over to visit and the one said:
"These are probably the most emotionally charged family pictures I have ever seen."
So Thank you!
EVERYONE Loves our pictures, even if they are 9 months old :)"

Tears. This special lady had NO idea that I was struggling with my feelings and abilities, and here she was an answer to my prayer.
I cried for awhile this morning, it was so nice to hear that I have affected people with my photography.
That is what I hope to do, to capture a fleeting moment,
and make it timeless and forever.

Just wanted to share today, how thankful I am.

...and oh if you need me to pray for you, just let me know in the comments.

Kidding...well, kind of, I am just worried the lightening is going to strike.

Postally Challenged

Feeling like a blogging LOSER.

Do you guys ever go through a slump?
I have been feeling like I have nothing good to share.

I am, however cooking up another "School Daze" post,
you will love it.
It is the one I like to call,
"And I WAS a 'B'!"
So stay tuned for that.
You won't want to miss it.

So, cuz I feel like a loser, shall we play some Q&A?
Ask me anything, about life, photography, life, photography, etc...

...and enjoy a study I did of Memms a few weeks back.

I was just playing around with the jpg setting on my camera, these are SOOC
(straight out of camera, 50mm 1.4 @ 1.4 and they are orange...oh well.)

...just wanted to leave you with some goodness.

M.I.A

I never meant for the past month to go by like it did.
I meant to be here, blogging as usual, but time and life and
emotions slipped away from me as it sometimes does.

The month of May 2009
has been an amazing one.
One full of journeys and introspection.
It has also been one of being stuck on the outside looking in on people I love who are hurting and suffering, with no way of helping, except to say,
"I love you."
"That sucks more than anything." or
"I am here for you...whatever you may need."

In an effort to try to jump back into my blog, and to actually give you something worth reading and coming here for...here I am.
Hi.
I missed you.
I missed my blog.
My heart is still extremely heavy. Such is life, and somehow we must push forward and find what wonderful things are waiting for us.

Lots have been asking, (oh how I hate...no no...DETEST drawing attention to myself.)
Weird right? Considering this is MY. BLOG.
But it is true. I am shy, and would rather stay in the shadows...
but as per your request this was me and "Millz" (code name for blogging purposes) a month ago at six months.
Millz is a girl. I thought I made that clear? Some of you didn't know.
We are THRILLED, (Although Hubbs is still freaking a little at having two girls to take care of).
This little girl has been waiting A. LONG. TIME. to come to our family, and we have been waiting for her to FINALLY be on her way. FER REALZ!
Only 8-10 more weeks.
Squee!



Puffy and slouchy...oooo SO hawt. (Photo Courtesy of Hubbs May 3, 2009)



Here is my stunning Grammy and me the day my Papa passed away. Don't we look amazing? This lady just had hip replacement! A week after Papa's funeral. Isn't she bomb? Love you so much Grandma...and eat up on those Hershey bars okay?



The last picture of Grandpa. Hubbs took this one (that is why it sucksalicious...you know I love you baby...I am teasing, TEASING).
At first I really hated it...but now I love it.
I love my kids contemplating eternal life.
I love remembering the feeling in that room, although it was heartbreaking, it was very very spiritual.
So glad he is in a better place.
Love you Papa.



And one I took of my little man. Oh how I love him. He is my joy and my buddy.

Hope you are all having a wonderful week.
I am hoping you are all getting away for this Memorial weekend.
We were going to go to New Mexico, but seeing how blasted hot it is here, I am personally skipping out going into EXTREME temps.
Going to the pool today...and sleeping in ALL WEEKEND LONG!

What are your plans?

Opposition

****
Author Unknown
****

Cripple him, and you have
Sir Walter Scott

Lock him in a prison cell and you have
John Bunyan

Bury him in the snow of Valley Forge, and you have
George Washington

Raise him in poverty and you have
Abraham Lincoln

Subject him to bitter religious strife, and you have
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
The only president to serve four terms in office

Burn him so severely in a school house fire that doctors say he will never walk again, and you have
Glen Cunningham,
who set the world record in 1934 for running the mile in 4 minutes 6.7 seconds

Deafen a genius composer and you have Ludwig von Beethoven

Drag him more dead than alive from a rice paddy and you have
Rocky Blyer,
running back for the great 1970 decade Pittsburgh Steelers

Have them born in a society filled with racial prejudice, and hatred
and you have
Booker T. Washington,
Harriet Tubman,
and Martin Luther King Jr.

Have him born in a Nazi concentration camp, paralyze him from the waist down at age 4, and you have
Itzhak Pearlman,
the incomparable violinist

Call him retarded and write him off as uneducated, and you have
Albert Einstein

Amputate the cancer ridden leg of a young Canadian and you have
Terry Fox,
who ran half way across Canada on an artificial leg

Take both legs away from him and you have
Douglas Bader,
an RAF fighter pilot who was captured three times by Germans and escaped three times on artificial limbs

Label him too stupid to learn and you have
Thomas Edison

Blind him at the age of 44 and you have
John Milton,
who 16 years later, wrote The Great Paradise Lost

Call him dull, hopeless, and a flunk out of school in the 6th grade, and you have the famous statesman
Winston Churchill

Tell a boy who loves to draw that he has no talent, and you have
Walt Disney

Spit on Him, mock Him, humiliate Him, betray Him, and crucify Him, and He forgives you...

****

I am back, after a long week. You have been missed. Have had a lot of things going through my mind the past week, about trials and suffering. I have watched many over the past two weeks. It has saddened my heart but also has renewed my faith in who we are and what we can accomplish and overcome.

To all of my friends who are dealing with opposition right now...please know I love you and I am thinking of you. My heart is truly with you.

Hope you all have a beautiful week!

According to...

...random.org the winner is:

"Amber Ro said...

Oh, I would love to win...amsrobbins@gmail.com"

Congratulations Amber!

Your certificate has been sent to you.

Remember to redeem it by Saturday, May 9, 2009 to get your prize.

Thank you to all who participated! SO glad I didn't have to choose the winner!
And a special thank you to
Goldsmith Co. Jewelers
for the generous gift.

Hope you all got your pearls and started your Pandora bracelet.

(I am off for a few days as my grandfather passed away on Sunday night.
My family needs me as we prepare for his funeral.
See you after Friday. Loves to all.)

What the?

Sometimes, especially this week, I cannot fathom why so many seemingly terrible things are happening all around me. Happening to AMAZING people. Ugh.

I hate seeing my friends hurting.
In the course of two weeks I have seen a friend lose a baby, another deal with her baby being very, very sick in the NICU, another friend struggle with legal stuff as well as wondering if her husband will ever find his dream job. Friends I have never met, making decisions about cancer, something no parent should ever have to make. This is just the tip of the iceberg really, I could go on and on and on and on.

Then, things in my own life that I wish would just go away, keep coming back up, like bad Italian.
Seriously, when is enough, enough?

I don't have the answer to that. I wish I did. I had the opportunity to see an old friend tonight. I haven't seen her for 9 years. It was BOMB. The funny thing is, we got talking about my year last year...dood, people, it sucked! It sucked ace. Let's be honest, if this blog wasn't Rated PG13, I may be dropping a few f'bombs about how my year was.

It kills me to think back on it...while at the same time,
I feel so victorious over it.

The trials that seemed to weigh me down, the holes in my walls as proof, now stand as medals of courage and valor, and reminders of where we have come from...and that no matter how bleak things look, there is time to heal the wounds.

Time to break free and hope for something better.
That is it never the answer to give up, but to keep fighting.
Because we all know how cool it is to be a winner.
How thankful I am to finally be on the other side for awhile...to give my hope and heart to those who need it so badly.

I just wanted my friends to know tonight how much I love them.
How often I think of them, and pray for them, and hope for them, and wish the best for them.

• Those who are waiting for babies, both through adoption, and through pregnancy, or hoping for pregnancy.
• Those who have lost their babies do to death and other tragedy.
• Those praying with swollen eyes over their babies whose future is still uncertain.
• Those who watch daily, their little one suffering with cancer (damn brain tumors, damn them!) and are not sure how many more days they will have with their six year old.
• Those who are seeking for peace and finality in their hope to be a forever family.
• Those who really would like to tell their boss to suck it so they can feel a grander scope of what this world has to offer...something other than limbo. (I hate limbo.)

Just praying for you...all of you, with all of my heart. All of it, not one spot left for anything but.

My kid! Argh!

So, I am having a little problem today with my youngest. She is the sweetest, most gentile, and loving little being so today really came as a shock to me and I am trying to understand why and what to do with her.

After Family Home Evening tonight, which consisted of eating dinner outside, playing, and pulling all the weeds in our new baby grass, I decided our treat would be to walk down to the 7-11 and get Slurpees.

My first mistake was staying outside with Memms and the bikes. (I should have gone inside with Hubbs and J-Man. There was this guy outside the sev with his dog, and he was obviously walking his dog (I have seen him many times.) Anyway, he is a very over-weight guy. Very. So, I start chatting with him a bit...we both say hello, yada, yada, yada. Then, as he is leaving with his headphones on (me praying he didn't hear what came out of Memms mouth) she says:

"Mom! That guy is SO fat!"

She said it loud. I start bawling. Where on earth did my little girl learn this? I know in my husband's culture, his parents are always making one comment or another about how people look (this infuriates me btw) and I am wondering what kinds of things are being said when I am not with my children. I can't help but wonder if this is where she picked it up? Or is it just something that she learned on their own? I am not looking to blame, I just feel awful.

As I gained my composure, Hubbs came out to inform me that they were out of Coke Slurpee and that Memms and I needed to come in and choose a flavor.

He looks at me and I recount what had just happened.
We sit down and have a talk with her, about how it hurts people when we call them names, etc.
(She is the queen of getting upset when people call her names, albeit nicknames, whatnot...she HATES it.)
So anyway, I am HOPING she got it...and praying that this man did not hear her.

Have you ever encountered this with your children? How did you get over feeling like you were the worst parent of all time?

I am going to go eat my king sized candy bar I got instead of a Slurpee, I feel like crawling in a hole and dying of mortification. Maybe if I do this, she will make the comment to me and not so someone else. And believe me, I already know how big my butt is, she has told me. Oi.

One Year, and Miracles

Bear with me, this will be a long post...

I am not sure why, but even as I sit here, vomitous chunks arise in my throat.



It has been one year since we lost our last baby. One year since my family almost lost me.

I am trembling just even thinking about it. I don't want to think about it.
I don't want to relive it.

For those of you new here, if you don't know the story, you can read all about it here.

How do you move on from something so terrible?

Well, somehow you do. You take it one day at a time, and as I look over to the right of my computer, you can also take it one hole in the wall at a time like I did. You can drop the f-bomb a million times a day, and cry your eyes out until they bleed because they are so tired from crying.

Then you get up, dust yourself off, and try again. Or in our case, try multiple times again and again and get burned...but that is another post for another day.

We miss Peanut. We miss the little spirit that might have been. We think about him/her often. How close we were to finding out what we were having. What joy we had in anticipation. What sadness we felt.

It is common consensus around here that Peanut was/is a boy. So from now on we refer to Peanut as such. This makes J-dawg thrilled because he knows someday he will have a little brother.

(He, on his own accord brings this up regularly. As he was old enough to know and understand when the loss occurred.)

We think of 2008 as a great growing and learning experience here at our house.

We are thankful to have had LJ in our home during this time, even though at the time I wasn't sure why he would come the day before such tragedy would strike our home and our heart. I am not sure why weeks later we would be chosen to be scammed by a "birth mother". Why two months later we would be chosen by another birth mother, only to feel so good and confirming about that situation, to have it fall apart just as quickly. All I know is that, all of these things have been for our good. They have strengthened us, made us quicker to love, less likely to judge, and more ready to help those who are struggling through similar circumstances.

My heart is full.

I can't believe I can sit here and write that after a year.

A heart that was so broken and empty and angry can write that it is now full. Do I have all of the answers to "Why?" no. Do I wish that we hadn't had to endure what we did? I can honestly say now, that no. I am glad we did, for it made us stronger.

Early last fall after I bawled for 45 minutes on the phone to one of my best friends as I travelled to vacation with my family, I realized I had reached my breaking point.

It was around this same time that Hubbs and I decided (maybe more "I" decided...not sure) that if nothing happened for our little family's growth by December of 2008
we were going to throw in the fertility towel, throw in the adoption towel, and
move on with our lives.
Those five months were torture to my soul. One of my good friends asked me, "If this is so hard for you, why are you giving yourself a deadline?" The only answer I could come up with is that I needed to move on from this era of my life, my children needed their mother back, not the crazy shell of a woman that had replaced her. For three years we had been trying to get another child into our home...enough was enough wasn't it? So while it killed me to do it, I knew it was the answer...and in some ways I looked forward to the new year, to our little family, just us, to a new beginning.

Well, let me stop here for a moment and introduce you to someone.





Meet Millz

She is a little shy, this being her first "public" blog post and all.

She has heard that whenever her mom posts exciting news to her blog something tragic happens. She has reassured me a thousand times that this time will be different. But even as I tell you this, I feel like running into the other room to throw up (and that has nothing to do with being pregnant). She even assures me that I will get to wrap her up in the new blankets she HAD to have from Target (she is starting already), and that she can't wait to share a room with her big sister. She is also looking forward to the "rubberband gun lesson" that J-Dawg promised to give her when she gets bigger. I am holding on to her faith because I think she is closer to the Big Guy right now than I could ever be. :)

Heavenly Father works in a mysterious way. I don't suggest you give him a deadline, because just as you start getting comfortable with the way your new life will be, he will throw you a curve ball. A miraculous, beautiful curve ball, good thing I am good at bat.

We found out in December (can you believe it?) that this sweet baby would be joining our family.

We told no one.

I don't think we even told ourselves. Hubbs and I just walked around the house like, "Word." and "Holla." And that was that.

Why?

Well, because for the first three months there was intermittent bleeding and spotting. If I had a session, it was the death of me, I would bleed for days. At first I didn't even believe I was pregnant because well, Aunt Flow came to visit a few days early. I even blogged about being THANKFUL that she had. So silly of me.

I spent the first four months on the couch. SICK...SICK...SICK...and worried that if I did "too much" I would lose this baby too. I was so so so afraid to hope.

When I saw the doctor at 8 weeks, I saw the heartbeat via ultrasound. Even that didn't suffice. We told our kiddos at week 17. We finally told family around week 18. We had our ultrasound at week 20.

I am now at week 22.

You would think that I would be feeling better about things. I am faithful, I am extremely hopeful. I can't imagine that this would end badly as well. Would I be broken and lost if it did? Probably for a time. Would I eventually move on and learn? Most definitely. For now, I am taking it one day at a time. We, as a family are taking it one day at a time. It is maddening. It is hard to function, to just let go and let what will be, BE...but I can't. So each day is spent in agonizing worry, worry until I feel her move, worry until I see the doctor again. I wish it wasn't so. For this reason I didn't want to blog about it. But tonight, as I thought about Peanut, as I thought about all of the other babies that were to have been, I think how happy and excited I was for each and every one of them, and how this sweet girl deserves that too. She deserves to hear the happiness and congratulations from my friends. She deserves to be welcomed and wished for and hoped for.

Despite my heart.
My crazy, crazy heart.

This is our last shot. We found out at our ultrasound that I may be having surgery shortly after the baby is born (she is due July 30). They found a cystic tumor on my right ovary that they are watching and will remove after she makes her arrival. We will let you know more when we know more. This has shaken me a bit. Not sure what to think...I may end up "wombless" by the end of the year. Tee hee...one can only hope to not have periods ever again. I have a great doctor. I have a great Hubband. We are in good hands all around. We are in the Master's Hands.

With great trial cometh the blessings.

We are counting ours each and every day.

Eighth

Tender Mercies

One of my all time favorite talks.

My apologies for no post yesterday. I hit the sack early. WAY early...because I have been getting to bed SUPER late. Or super early, depending on where on earth you live. Ha!

The last few days, my mind has been focusing a lot on what I am thankful for. Thanksgiving is such a wonderful time of year. I wish it were in June or something though, because it gets the shaft in the shadow of Christmas. Nonetheless, feeling overly grateful for the things I have. We so easily get distracted by the seemingly grand things in life. The bills that pile up, the laundry that needs to be washed, dishes cleaned, car repairs, etc. How often do we take time to realize the blessings all around us and truly give thanks for them.

This year, especially today, I am thankful for the small and tender mercies that I have been blessed with. To share, I will name a few.

Thankful for exactly two manilla envelopes left. For without them, I would have to ship in a box and it would cost a lot more and drain our already dwindling bank account.

Thankful that as I was running LATE that I found an open parking spot that was CLOSE to the building I was headed into.

Thankful that during these trying economic times that I found the perfect Christmas present for one of my kids. $3 vs. $50. I heart Savers.

Thankful for aunt flow coming four days early instead of four days late.

Thankful for a medical bill of $8,000 instead of a funeral bill.

Thankful my children have a mother.

Thankful for friends who care so much about me. Especially the ones who came and packed away all that baby stuff. Did I ever tell you how much that meant to me?

Thankful to have kissed on these chubby cheeks. Thankful he is safe now.

Thankful for Adoption. That is has blessed my life and the lives of countless people who I love.

Thankful I can run.

Thankful for a talent that blesses my life in more ways than I can count.

Thankful for these munchies.




Thankful for him.


Just oh so very, utterly thankful.

Wow.

I will reiterate that I have some of THE best friends in the entire world.

Pupil, is one of them. She comes over weekly to my house, with agenda in hand and we meet about adoption, we discuss adoption...among other things. She is the one who encouraged me to post every day for the month of November about adoption. Funny, when I woke up this morning and checked my blog almost around noon, I came and there were 21 comments. I was like, "WHAT?!" I didn't think the post was THAT grand...so I started reading comment after comment, then I got to anonymous...and then I saw mrs. r's comment, and then comment after comment from people I have met, most I have not...and tears rolled down my cheeks when I realized that these people had read the comment long before I had, they were on a mission to not let one person hurt another one of our sisters...sisters in blogland, sisters in infertility, sisters in adoption...

Every word in her post struck me...right down to the irony. She was at my home when I was writing the "Are you there God?" post. It was a tag team post. Brilliantly thought up and wonderfully executed. As I wrote it, I said over my shoulder, "You know what happened the last time I posted something this deep..." Well, I was so hurt and so crushed that I deleted the blog I had had for over a year. How utterly sad that was. How could I let one person dictate who I was?

Well, it won't happen this time. As you can see...just like me, there are HUNDREDS, and THOUSANDS of women and men who suffer with this particular trial.

You know what? The past three years of wanting another child have taught me, to love more deeply, to cherish EVERY moment because they are so fleeting. To suggest for even a moment that I am not thankful and grateful for what I have been given, it only proves that the person who tried to hurt me does not know me. Every night before I go to bed I spend a large amount of time by the bedside of my children. I hold their hands, I sweep the hair from their little faces, I cover them up...I kiss their cheeks. I recognize and realize that they may be the only children I ever get to have. I kneel down and thank my Father in Heaven for them, and because of the joy I have in them, that is the reason I want to be a mother again.

I want to thank EACH of you for your love and support yesterday. It meant so much to me. It brought tears to my eyes. Every comment touched my heart, if any of you are struggling through something similar, I encourage you to take the time to read each comment, because there is strength in not feeling alone. I will leave you with one particular comment that touched my heart especially, and in keeping with the spirit of the posting this month, I think it is perfect. Thank you Ashley.

I totally understand where you're coming from.I have a daughter through adoption.

I don't want another baby yet.

I am not ready to face my "broken" body again.

I want to feel normal.

I want to have just something, ANYTHING happen without a million pieces of drama, an ordeal or having to lay out my entire life history to the world.

I hate having no privacy.

I hate the fact that the events surrounding the birth of my daughter, and the 45 days afterwards, were spent in fear and pain, not joy. We never talk about it.

I hate the loss of the other children I'd hoped for. I had also envisioned myself with kids in a pew; four, to be exact. But it looks like two may be our limit. That kills me.

I hate that people don't try to understand. That you're told, "Be grateful." It's like being told, after losing your leg, to be grateful for the other one. It's not that you aren't grateful for your leg, your arms and every other appendage you've been given, but you still miss the lost leg.

Having to once again face your own infertility is just another reminder that you're a freak. You can't do what God designed you to do. If you can't produce children, then what good is having the instincts? It's being reminded of all the hopes and dreams you have had to let go of, ones you've probably had since you were a girl.

I love my daughter. I couldn't love her more if I'd made her out of playdough myself. I celebrate her adoption and I give myself major props for being able to pull off an adoption at the age of 24. But I still mourn that I couldn't feel her kick inside of me, I couldn't share seeing her for the first time with my husband. I couldn't look at her for months without feeling guilt and pain for her birth mother.

I would love to share the joy of being pregnant with my family.

And I mourn that I may not be able to.

And that's what makes me totally normal.

"Are you there God, it's me, Margaret."

"Are you there God, it's me, Kim."

Do you remember me?

Ya, I am the one whose fallopian tubes are blocked by endometriosis, and whose left ovary is encrusted with the same junk.

Lately, I've really been wondering... "What is Normal?" "I just want to be normal!"

I bawled my eyes out two weeks ago when once again, my body failed me. I cried for two hours until my eyes were dry and sleep finally overcame me. I think that was somewhere around four in the morning. I remember being really tired that day.

I want to be normal. I want to be like all of the other happy little families taking up an entire row at church with their six kids.

I want to FILL up the car we bought a few months ago...really. Today as I was driving my car...it just felt, EMPTY.

For once, I would love to know what it is like when an adoption is successful. I want to know that the feelings I feel in the first instant that it is right...will stay the same until the end...when I am holding a baby.

Really, I just wish...right this second that all of my friends who are struggling with these same feelings and problems would know what it was like to have all of their hopes and dreams and wishes come true. Please help them. PLEASE.

Thanks God, when you have some time, let's chat.

P.S. I do want to thank you for my two beautiful children that you have blessed me and Hubbs with. They are our strength and our joy...

Also, thank you for adoption, for making it possible for some of my friends whose ovaries and fallopian tubes and sperm are bunk...because through adoption, they can be parents.

Don't forget us.

Good Things Utah

Yo Peeps...for our adoption related post today...I ask ye Utahn's to tune into

Good Things Utah today!

Two of my favorite people in the world will be on the show, talking about ADOPTION.

mrs. r--an adoptive mother

and

Happy Love--a.k.a. Myra a birth mother

These ladies are THE go to people if you want to learn anything about adoption. They are my mentors and I am thankful to them for the joy and strength they have both been in my life and brought into my life.

And heck...you may even see me when they pan the "studio audience". Now, if that isn't worth watching for...what is?!

Perspective.

This article was taken from the r house blog. Thank you r house.

****This article is about a friend of mine. Her mother wrote this article. Grab a tissue.****

I am constantly amazed at the strength and love of birth families.

What a profound influence grandparents of these babies can have on their future...either way:

"But What Was Best for the Baby?"

it's from the birth grandmother's point of view.
it sounds like this woman's experience with adoption is old school--moving the birth mom to a different home, never meeting the adoptive couple, not placing the baby in the adoptive couples arms herself ...things that i am very glad have changed over the last decade. for the most part, that is not how adoptions are done nowadays.

the mothers of birth mothers are very influential in the adoption process.
even though they do not have any legal right to the child, their passion for or against adoption is felt by everyone involved. (at least in my experience.)

according to LDS Family Services, the grandparents of the baby are one of the major reasons why babies are placed ...and also why they are not placed.

here's an especially thought-provoking part of the article:

At this point my own feelings were tender. How could I go through the months ahead at the side of my daughter, watch her give birth, and then not bring a baby home? However, the counselor explained that placing a baby through adoption meant giving a baby a home where it could receive all the blessings that we could not provide at this time, including being sealed to a worthy couple. But in my heart I could not accept this at that time. After all, the baby was my first grandchild. How could I allow this baby—my posterity—to go to another home? I was sure the Lord would bless our efforts if we sacrificed and did our very best to raise this child. Yes, there would be years of struggle, but I hoped that the day would come when my daughter would marry a worthy young man and be sealed to her child in the temple.