The time has come to make a move:

After much deliberation, and much thought. (We are talking a years worth of thought going into this.) I have decided to mesh my photography life and my personal life into one blog.

It is such a tough decision because I have been separate for so long. (Blog wise anyway.) My home here has been this little www.kimsueellen.blogspot.com and I know that I will miss it. I may still use this blog occasionally to post reviews and other insights until I transition to the other blog fully and decide how those things will work into it, and when I get more comfortable sharing it. For now, silly enough, I feel a little exposed.

Things to look forward to in the coming months? My official dot com. It will be easier to find me, you just need to remember my name: Kim Orlandini. It will take a bit to get all of my posts carried over, but I ask for your patience as I work with my designer(s) to make this a reality.

So, if you are reading this, please come on over to my new and everlasting blog: www.kimorlandini.com and join in on the fun over there. Same great taste, fresh start.

Love you all. Thank you for your support and love to me, especially this past week. It has helped me immensely in my struggles, and I am slowly starting to see the sunshine again.

xoxo

Me

Getting Results

***Originally posted to the Shredding with Simply Me blog. If you would like access to that blog, and are interested in losing weight or sharing your weight loss stories, photos, triumphs, as well as struggles, please email me: kimsueellen[at]gmail[dot]com and I would be happy to give you access. We have room for about 25 more readers.***

Friends. I had to share some good news. When I measured in this week I finally saw some tremendous (for me) results from the last time I measured in about 3 weeks ago.

I had lost 1/2" from each thigh, 1/4" from each calf, 1/4" from each bicep. So I have lost a total of 5" from my entire body since Jan 1, 2011.

This was a huge step for me. Since my last blog post, I have not done anything different. You know the post, the one where I cry about hovering at 188.2. Well yesterday I weighed in at 186.4. This puts me at having lost 14.75 total. My highest weight was 205. I didn't start counting weight loss until I was at 200lbs. I am thinking if I want to sound incredible I should count that 5 extra pounds just to say I have lost 20lbs. *giggle*

I have also 'grown out of' two size 17 jeans (I know, I know that is a junior size) as well as almost completely not being able to wear 2 size 14 (misses size) jeans. I went to the Old Navy clearance rack yesterday and pulled off a size 12 super nervous as to whether they would fit, and guess what? They fit perfectly. Like a glove. Not a tight glove, but a nice, sweet glove. My bumm looks TOTALLY hot in them. Please comment on it's hotness the next time you see me wearing them.

I don't write this to boast, but to share with you. I have not seen any sort of change or result in my body since November. Nothing. It has been disheartening at times, and I have, of course wanted to give up. I have pushed through, and while this may be a temporary slide in the right direction, I know I am going to hit other roadblocks and long plateaus. I just need to realize that all of those things can be pushed through, and once again I will be able to see something wonderful and beautiful on the other side. Defining who I am by what I am inside is far more important that what I look like on the outside. However, it is a beautiful place to be reflecting the beauty in both areas.

I don't want to talk about 'goals' or specifically what my 'goals' are. Sometimes I feel like goals are so abstract, and intangible. I am keeping with my goal to lose 5lbs at a time. Ultimately, I would love to see the number 140 on my scale. It is a good number for my height and frame. I would love to be able to wear a size 8 jean. I would be content at these numbers. For now, I am embracing this size 12 body and I am going to love her and carry her with grace and sophistication.

xoxo

***Edited to say that with the encouragement of a few close people in my life, especially Em, I am going to run with the fact I started at 205. I am not as ashamed to admit that now as I was at the time, I have personal journal entries to prove how much of a dark place I was in. I was in complete denial, therefore pretended it wasn't real. It was. It was very very sad. Sigh. So, here we go. Down 20. Feels good. Really good. ***

Why film?

Film is something I am passionate about.

Film for me is not a fad.

It is not something I shoot because 'all the cool kids are doing it'.

Film has always been, for me, a source of magic.

It has always been a connection to something bigger than myself. Film has the ability to help us remember times gone by, and those whom we love so openly and fully, we remember them because of film. The miraculous nature by which it came about, and and of itself is magical. For me, each and every time I make an image on film, that magic comes alive for me, and I see sparkling glitter fall from the sky. Silly? Perhaps. Truthful? Certainly.

Fuji Instant Film Negative.

Shot on a Polaroid 600SE on Fuji fp3000b

When I was 15 I knew in the deepest corners of my soul that I needed to be a photographer. I don't know why, or what compelled that desire in me. Perhaps it was my grandfather. Perhaps it was his relatives who were asked to photograph Zion's National Park. Perhaps I knew at that young age that it was my destiny to capture moments that can so easily slip away. It wasn't until I was a mother, and was given the opportunity to learn, to shoot. It was on film that I learned. When the digital cameras started coming out, and were 'all the rage' I stood on the sidelines. Secretly wishing for one of those new fandangled contraptions, but still holding to my love of film. It was real, it was tangible. I was saving my pennies for a medium format film camera. That was my dream.

That year I was given a digital SLR. I loved this camera. Imagine my surprise when it was frustrating to learn to use. So different from the film I was accustomed to shooting. With time, I learned to master that digital camera although my heart still longed for film. For years I had been stalking the blog of one Jonathan Canlas. Well, I wouldn't say stalking because I left comments almost every time I went to visit his blog. It wasn't before long that I realized why I was drawn to his work. He shot film. Only film. I loved this thought. I wanted this to be me. Much to my surprise he had his first workshop in 2008. I was determined to attend that workshop. Hell or high water, I would go. And. I. Did. I wouldn't say that the workshop changed me immediately. I knew going into film that I needed to make a commitment to it. I was one of those people that had to have all or nothing. It was so deep in my soul that I knew leaving that workshop that I would one day shoot only film. Two years, almost to the day from attending that workshop, I made the switch to 100% film. I have never regretted that decision. It has forever changed me. I am lucky to call Jon one of my greatest friends. I am lucky to call him my mentor.

I get a lot of emails asking about why I shoot film, asking how they can shoot film, should they shoot film, should they just get a digital SLR. My answer to them is YES they can shoot film, and they SHOULD. Don't wait for anything. Life is short. Go and dust off that 35mm, I don't care how old it is. Grab a roll of film, load it and SHOOT it. "But isn't that hard." You ask. Well, my friends. Jon has just written a book that is about to change your life:

I have this book. I have devoured it already. It is beautiful, it is breathtaking, it is a work of art, and I am not lying when I tell you it will change your life if you let it. I don't care if you are a mom taking photos of her babies. I don't care if you are an empty nester. If you have access to a camera, please, please pick it up and shoot something on it this year.

Jon's book was released today. It is available in PDF format for immediate download and is on sale for an introductory price of $89 until February 23. I highly suggest you buy your copy before it goes to it's regular price of $149 which is still killer and worth every penny. (I spent more on one college book studying photography and didn't learn a tenth of what I have learned from Jon.)

Jon has given me the opportunity to offer this book to you. For each book that my friends and readers buy, I get a small portion of the sale, but even if I did not I would support this book, as I do now, with my entire being.

Let film change you as it has me.

Get your book HERE.

I'll send the first five people who buy it a little something special in the mail to get them started on their own film journey. Simply send me an email to: kimorlandini[at]gmail[dot]com.

Cheers.

Weighing In

***Originally posted to the Shredding with Simply Me blog. If you would like access to that blog, and are interested in losing weight or sharing your weight loss stories, photos, triumphs, as well as struggles, please email me: kimsueellen[at]gmail[dot]com and I would be happy to give you access. We have room for about 30 more readers.***

I am hoping this week to finally develop some photos from the first month of my personal photography project. I'll share more details then, but wanted to check in and let you know how things are going here.

I am a few days shy of being half way through my first round of P90x. I started out super slow, listening to my body, and now I am finally at the point where I can almost keep up with the video, and get through it without feeling like I am going to die.

I wish however, that I could tell you I have seen amazing results from it. Truth is, I have not. I have lost only 3/4" from my entire body, and zero weight in pounds or ounces. I am pretty much hovering at 188.2 with the lowest number I have seen being 187, but I am not going to let it get me down. Instead I am trying to think positively, and feeling less guilty and loving myself for who I am. It is not easy, but this time, this time it is a life change, not a change of desperate attempts. This is going to be a lasting thing, and in order for that to happen, I have to be careful with me...and support me.

I can't tell you the last time I had a soda, probably some time in December. The last time I had any sort of shake was mid January. I have almost completely cut out all dairy from my diet except for some cheeses. January was a focus on returning to exercise. February has been a focus on not eating out at all, or fairly little, and really *thinking* about what is going into my body. I have been making dinner at home for me, and for my family. We are eating a more balanced diet, and controlling our portions so that we have room for each area in our food group. The kids are handling it well. I should say it is just me and the kids doing it as our dad and hubby has a freaky deaky schedule and has to fend for himself the leftovers and whatnot.

I feel I am on a good track, one that I feel is the right track. I'll keep you posted on how things go, and I am excited (well, sort of) to share a bit of my project with you hopefully in the coming weeks.

Much love to you all, and to myself.

xoxo

Of Moosh's, Mozzi's, and amazing friends.

Dear Casey,

8 years ago. Can you believe it has been that long?

It all started with you taking over being Princess of Ladies Tops while I was downgraded to Wench of Men's Tops. I would have much rather fondled the male bottoms all day, then I wouldn't have had to look over and wonder, "Who is that new girl?" I would ask around, "So who is this Casey girl? What was the name of that bundle handler? Oh, you know the older one with longish hair and nails for days, my mind escapes me. She was my source of info. You were loved and adored, and somehow I had to get in on it.

Then, oh! One day a treat, it was a late summer treat in the break room. Orangesicles, and fudgesicles. You took the last orange. I was obviously pregnant and on a rage, and opened my big mouth! "Way to go and take the last orangesicle, Casey!"

That was it. We have been friends ever since. This is how most of my amazing friendships start, and I am thankful you were no stranger to my tremendously odd ways of, "Oh my goodness, I could NEVER be friends with her." *giggle*

I have watched you become a mother once, and happily, now twice. I know the journey has been long and stressful and one full of tears. Sadly, I know that journey too. My heart has ached with yours, when I found out much too late about some of your bouts with depression while pregnant with Moosh, and now with Mozzi. It doesn't help that I am so far away from you that there isn't much I can do but check up on you through email, text, and phone calls. It just isn't the same. Please know massive amounts of thoughts (ALL good now) and prayers are coming from this home all across the country on your behalf. The Big Man loves you tremendously, tremendously.

So today, today my gift is all about you. It is about the strength and ability to keep our cool, keep our heads in the heat of the battle, in the depths of depression. It is about recognizing our strengths in the turmoil of our weaknesses. YOU are strong. You are fighting the battle...and winning. You are going to be an amazing new mother to this Mozzi girl. (Gift is in the mail, you should have gotten it with STRICT instructions not to open it until today. I don't know if I could have waited, but I hope you did, it will make it funner. Sorry it isn't raw bacon.)

That is what we BFFs do. We stick together and fight, with the occasional hard words to be said and chocolate cake, sausages, and vacations along the way.

Love you to the moon and back and onto Pluto. Enjoy the next 15 weeks of Mozzi love.

Mwah.

xoxo,

Kim

Follow along on Twitter, hashtag #mozzi.

Yearbook 2010: February

February looks super lame. I took 5 photos that month? They were all digital? Sad, sad times. (Okay, so I may have taken more, which I am almost POSITIVE I did, proof may be in the stack of 5 or so discs I just found from Walgreen's.) I'll check them out and let you know, but for now...

Yep. That's it. Not even a photo of Joth. BOO.

Anyway. I'll share another one of my resolutions. Take time each day to hug each of my kids, look them in the eye, and do SOMEthing that THEY want to do. Today, I took time to help Memms write a story. She REALLY likes writing stories and drawing pictures to go with them. Actually, she draws the pictures and then we write the story together. Afterwards I kissed her ginormous cheeks repeatedly. She is the sweetest girl I know.

Millz? Well, I held her on my lap for what seemed like two hours while I worked. That is what she seemed to want to do, so I let her. I also gave her some of my leftover birthday cake from The Cheesecake Factory. She really liked that.

Joth? He has been at school all day, but I plan on taking him with me to run a few errands before we are off to our cousin Lance's funeral. Jobby tends to get super tired and crabby after school, so I hope to tickle him and be silly with him and let him pick a treat from the store. Possibly I'll give into the Hot Wheels car he always tries to get me to buy.

Yep, these are the days, and they are quickly speeding past us. This week I lost two family members. Lance, and my Great Grandma Thurgood. Tears well up when I think of all the times I let the 'other stuff' get in the way of the right now.

Trying super hard to remember this each and every day.

Hope your days are full of as much joy as I am trying to find in mine.

xoxo

First Real Cut

Two weeks ago after Millz had a shower with Hubbs, I decided enough was enough. I had to rid her of her awful tresses.

She had a haircut when she was six days old. We did it with all of the kids, you know, to keep some of that sweet, super dark newborn hair before it all falls out. Then she had one when she was about six months old because we had been giving her beautiful little faux-hawks and wanted t0 keep that style.

As she got more hair, that haircut backfired and she ended up looking more mullet-like than adorable toddler. All she needed was a creepy 80's stache and all would be well.

So, I sat her down, and in my haste forgot to take a photo of the before, plus it is really hard to cut hair, take photos of said cutting, and then take photos after. I got one of the three, not bad.

I cut about 1.5" off of her adorable curls. (I know some of you are scoffing and saying, "Curls? What curls?" Just so you know this is as curly as it gets in our house.)

She went from such nicknames as, "Witch hair" "White Trash Hair" "Rat's Nest" "Ugly" Etc, etc (Aren't we endearing?), to pretty much calling her the same thing. Girl is all business in the front and ratty party in the back, but at least now she lacks the mullet-like rat's nest in the back.

Today she actually looked pretty darn cute if I do say so myself. As of today, no one has even noticed her haircut.

Love this squishy girl. Love, love, love, love her.

Also? She moves a lot when taking photos. Hence why these are so out of focus.

Dear Memms,

My heart is full at the moment. It is almost 2 a.m. and I can't get your sweet heart off of my mind. Tonight you had your Christmas dance recital. You got to wear your favorite pajamas that I bought just for this special event. You have had them for weeks and weeks and have worn them so much they looked like they were a year old. We fixed your hair in pigtails, and tied white ribbons around them. Your hair is getting so long, you look like a different girl. You danced so wonderfully. The sweet smile you have upon seeing your friends and your dance teacher Melissa absolutely melts me. So thankful for you.

Tonight was a big lesson in learning to give. There was a gift exchange with all of the tiny dancers. There was a $5 limit on the gift and we gave a very sweet box of Littlest Pet Shop toys that I got for a steal from Walgreen's this summer. Remember how we were saving it for Dilly? Well, I remembered that we had it and thought how fun it would be to use it for the gift exchange. You were so excited when I pulled it out. I could tell how badly you wished it was for you. You were still so very sweet as we wrapped it up to give away to someone else. I guess I should have explained that part a little better. It can be a hard concept for a little four year old to comprehend. When it was your turn to choose a gift toward the end of the group, there were only a few gifts left, and there was your beautiful bag, still waiting to be chosen, no one realizing what a wonderful gift that was inside. So you walked up and snatched it. I felt conflicted, I wanted you to learn to share and give, and so I called across the room, "Hey Memms! Why don't you choose another gift so that someone can have your gift." Immediate alligator tears ensued. I am not sure if it was because of the 50 people watching, or if I had just shattered your tiny heart, or the fact that after some love and coaxing from your teacher she helped you choose another gift which happened to be a pair of beautiful red polka dot socks instead of a toy, doll, or game like the other girls got. Your heart was shattered, and at that instant, so was mine.

Even as I write this tears are streaming down my cheeks. Oh how I love you, and wanted to run away with you at that moment. It seems so silly, but watching you hurt over something so small made me ache. I felt four again. I felt your pain. There was a boy in the audience, maybe 11 or 12 who was watching you. I think your broken heart touched his. He was so concerned about you, he wanted to make you happy too! He gave you a tiny, shiny pink rock. (He must have had it in his pocket.) You loved it. As we drove home we talked about giving, and receiving and being thankful for everything that we have. We talked about the beautiful red socks with the cute green bow, perfect for Christmas. We cherished the gold and blue box the socks came in, and the tissue paper discretely hiding your new treasured rock. We said silent prayers of thanks for a teaching moment, and for a tender hearted girl.

Thank you for teaching me about love today Memms. You are laying right next to me in my bed as I type this. I wish I could stop time, if even for a day, and freeze who you are at this moment. My first girl, my serious, deep, thoughtful girl. Thank you for sacrificing today to learn a deeper lesson in life. Momma loves you, with all of her soul.

Much love always,

Mom

Palmyra and The Hill Cumorah, Upstate New York

***Edited to add some info to help identify the photos (I tend to miss a few things when I blog at 2 a.m. Sorry guys):

Old and new. The Palmyra Temple as seen from the property of the Smith Family's farm.

Palmyra, New York Temple

Smith's log cabin.

Alvin's Tree

Replica of the box the Book of Mormon was hidden in.

Sacred Grove

Moroni Monument, Hill Cumorah, New York

Monument

Monument, other side.

(all photos shot fuji 400h on a Nikon N80, using a 50mm 1.4, at 1.4)

My brother has been BEGGING me to continue posting photos from our trip, so I thought what better time than now?

Travelling to New York City, then to Upstate New York was a fulfillment of a life long dream. I am such a history buff it isn't even funny. Combine that history love, with the love of my religion, and well, I am one happy girl.

The peace I felt in this place is indescribable. Tears come to my eyes just thinking about it. My heart longs to go back. If I could, I would live there. LIVE there I tell you. It is beautiful, peaceful, reverent. Amazing.


Very grateful I could take my sweet family there, and share such a neat experience with them. I wish you could have all gone with me. Truly.


Because I wasn't able to slip you all into my suitcase, I want two of you to be able to have a little piece of this trip to hang on your wall. SO, that means a giveaway! Leave me a comment telling me which photo is your favorite from this little post, because if you win, that photo will be yours! The two winners will get a mounted 11x14 of their favorite image from this post. (I'm sorry, I know the kids are adorable, but I won't give you a photo of them.)


Share the giveaway love with your facebook and twitter friends...I want everyone to feel the joy.


I will take comments for the giveaway until Noon MST on Sunday, November 14, 2010. I will choose two winners that evening.


xoxo

Utah Museum of Natural History

A few weeks ago I had the amazing opportunity to hang out with some of my favorite local bloggers and friends. The Utah Museum of Natural History invited us on a tour of the construction site of their new museum.

The day started out bright and early and beautiful. It was a hard hat tour, so needless to say we donned our finest boots, safety goggles and hard hats. We all looked super stunning and fabulous. You want to know what was truly stunning though?

This museum. Breathtaking.

It sits at the foothills of the Wasatch mountains just east of the University of Utah campus. The panoramic view from this space is awe inspiring. Being a photographer, I can appreciate the beauty that my eye sees both from this building and this building itself. It is going to be amazing folks. Amazing.

I may or may not have gotten a little crush on the tour guide. I am sure he is my dad's age, but he was just so handsome and funny and sweet in that 'dad' sort of a way.

Truth be told, a few times a year I try to drag my kids out and up to the current museum. I somehow always talk myself out of it. "Parking will be a nightmare, I can't do Traxx with three kids, yada, yada...". This new museum will have none of those excuses. I am so excited to take my kids there all the time. It will be the perfect venue for my dinosaur/science loving 7 year old. They will even rent out the venue for parties and weddings. (I can't wait to photograph my first wedding there.)

The builders and planners thought of everything, from the coat check at the front door, to the Canyon Room to the walkways that lead you over the canyon. It is just beautiful. Words cannot do it justice, and even though it is a severe construction site, you can get an idea of its grandeur and beauty here.

Seriously though, construction and hard hats run in my veins. I look pretty stunning in this photo with Lindsey don't I?

Emily, thank you for this hawt photo, next time tell me to stand up straight. Oh I have such a mighty hump.

P.S. If you don't read Emily's blog, you should...she is one of my most favorite people in this world.

I hope it will geek you guys up as well. Make plans to visit the grand opening, you won't regret it.

Afterward, we all were treated to lunch at the Corner Bakery. The manager was so nice and helpful when it came to ordering. I love sandwiches and always have the hardest time deciding. I went with a BBLT. Double bacon. The world is truly a better place when it comes to bacon in my face, you double that? I am a happy queen. Next time I have a sitter, I am definitely going back. Especially now that there is one by the mall...double bonus.

I am going to leave you with one last shot of myself and my lady friends in all of our glorious orange-ness. I forgot to mention the vest above. So slimming.



***Full Disclosure: I was given the amazing opportunity to see the new museum under construction and was then given a delicious meal with my friends at the Corner Bakery. I was given the opportunity to blog about this experience if I so desired, which I did desire, therefore, here you see me posting about it. I truly hope you will all visit both places in the future, to experience the awesomeness for yourself.***

Vote

image via google images

I hope everyone is planning on voting on Tuesday. I sure am. I believe in it so much. We need to be more active in our communities and in who we elect to run our local and national governments. We, as a people have no right to sit and complain about what is happening, when we are not proactive in helping to change the things that we don't agree with, or like. I have many dear friends who are extremely active in their local political campaigns and I think it is wonderful.

I don't claim to know everything, but I try to educate myself as well as I can, then go out and vote for those people who represent my values and the things I hope for my own children and families. So please, go vote.

This week in my local elections I am voting in favor of this bond. **full disclosure: I have not been asked to, or paid to write the following opinion, I did, however receive the opportunity to enjoy a 'hard hat' tour of the new Natural History Museum under construction, and folks, it is going to be amazing.** I am so excited for something to amazing to be brought to Salt Lake City. I remember going to the museum as a kid and being fascinated by all of the things there, especially dinosaurs. Being mother to one very science loving and minded kid, I am thankful and excited to share this new museum with my children.

Anyway, just putting in my two cents. If you live in Salt Lake County, I encourage you to read the article and consider voting in favor of proposition 1.

As for me, I am off to finish studying the candidates and making a fully educated decision.

Happy Haunting and Happy Voting.

Tiny Steps

***Originally posted to Shredding With Simply Me***

That is where I am at. Just tiny, itty bitty steps. I have a goal of when I want this weight gone. I am completely serious about it, and I am having to remind myself every day when the cravings hit.

It has been a little over a week of this daily reminder, and daily knee hitting, asking for strength.

Today it paid off. 1/2 pound. In a week. Still it is there, and going down in the right direction.

My goal for right now is to hit 190. Wow, to actually weight 190 seems so daunting, but I am only a few pounds away. I think literally biting off this huge number of weight into little bits is going to be the only way I can get through this. Down 5 lbs at a time, slowly chipping away at it. I think it was Becca who suggested doing little goals. (I can't remember who said it, but IT HELPS!)

SO, after 190, it will be 185, etc, etc.

Like Nakia, I am having a hard time deciding what my 'treat' should be when I hit 190. I keep hoping that it will be that I can try on a pair of pants I have hidden in a tote and they will magically fit, so that I can add to my wardrobe. I just need to psych myself up that they may not fit, and that is okay.

We'll see. For now, still on the journey to 190. 193...192...191...190...

Savoring Summer

Loving these last moments of summer.

Going outside on Sunday evenings and letting the kids play.

Grabbing my camera and just shooting them, over and over and over.

Fall is on it's way.

I feel it in the crisp mornings and the chilly evenings.

Soon the frost will come, and with it the short days and long nights of winter.

For now, relishing in these last moments of summer, soaking in as much sun and warmth as I can...

...and loving in this little one whose days are passing just as quickly as the summer has, and listening to her constant (and new) "Mama! Mama! Mama!"

Did you know?

That I have a beautiful life?

As in, grade-a amazing?

I have grown so much in the past two months, it is astounding. I attribute that to my faith. I also attribute it to myself and getting to know myself and loving myself more. Trusting in who I am inside, who I was born to be, and letting her shine through.

It is not an easy thing to do by any means. It is hard. Some days I cry. Some days I still don't want to get out of bed. Some days I am not the perfect mother (okay most days). Still, I am trying. Trying to be better, and reach farther, and I am making huge strides.

Huge. Strides.

I hope that you are too.

Have a happy weekend.

xo

~Kim

The big D and I don't mean Dallas...(or divorce).

Photo by Joth, taken on his Little Tykes digital camera.

My computer is bunk...so you get what you can off of Hubbs lappy.

Two and a half years ago, I couldn't tell you what it felt like to feel desperate, or in a dark place. I am almost certain I knew the grips of depression, but I was somehow able to find my way through, continue each day and live. Then when all hell broke loose , and then again, and again and again, I lost bits of me to that hell. Parts I wish I could get back, but hard as I try, I can't seem to find them.

“If people bring so much courage to this world the world has to kill them to
break them, so of course it kills them. The world breaks every one and afterward
many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It
kills the very good, and the very gentle, and the very brave impartially. If you
are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too, but there will be no
special hurry.” --Ernest Hemingway

This quote almost perfectly describes how I have been feeling. Especially if you subsititue 'world' with 'depression'. I feel like depression has been trying to break me. I hate it.

The other night I was SO tired, and the insomnia hit, everything hit and I cried myself to sleep. I wrote on my facebook wall, how much I would love to know how it feels to navigate this world without having to carry depression on my shoulders. It is a heavy weight and the good days and bad days are so interspersed that I don't know who is friend and who is foe anymore. It is heavy stuff. What does that feel like friends? What does it feel like to be free, to be able to wake up and make breakfast for your kids, walk them to school, without coming home and wanting nothing but to go back to bed? What is that like to feel otherwise?

I talked with Casey a few weeks back. She suffers from depression as well, and one thing we both have in common and which we discussed, and which she put on her blog a few days ago, is the lack of the ability to take full breaths. Really. Think about it. The anxiety and depression are so terrible some days that most days I don't take full breaths. Even as I sit here, I am not. No wonder I am depressed, my brain is lacking sufficient oxygen. ;)

I am courageous, I am brave, I am good, and I am gentle, I am trying to be strong in my broken places regardless of this depression.

Regardless if I must row the boat through the misty darkness for the rest of my life, I still see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the happiness around me, I hear the laughter of my sweet children, the love of my husband, and they keep me rowing. I love myself regardless of you depression. I may have to get out and wade through the churning waters at times, but I will never stop because of you. I will never allow you to hurt me so much that I let you overpower me, and I may find bits of me in this murky water, and I will salvage the pieces of me that I can from you, and arrive safely 0n the other side, and when I do depression, I am going to punch you in the throat and kick you in the nads.

Instant Gratification

All shot on the Polaroid 600SE camera, on Fuji 100c Instant Film. These are the instant film negatives, that have been bleached and washed, then scanned, adjusted for color and density and voila. Fun.

The more time passes, the less and less I feel inclined to indulge in instant gratification. We live in a world full of 'get it now' with internet on every device we have, and with noise all around us. The more time passes, the less I want to be a part of that. Which is why my switch to film last December has had such a lasting impact on me, on my heart.

Except, well except for the small part of me that loves this type of instant gratification.

Fuji 100c. What is that you ask? Instant film. Think Polaroid...but made by Fuji. You are probably thinking, "Like that stuff we had when we were kids, that developed almost immediately? The camera that spit it out of the bottom after hitting 'click'?"

Yes, like that.

This though? This is a step further. These are the 'instant' negatives.

Crazy right?

No actions, just a straight scan and messed with color balance for color.

I heart film. All types. All. My love letter to film is coming up soon. So stay tuned.

Just wanted to share.

Hope you are all having a blissful weekend. May your week be as wonderful.

xo

New York: Part 1

It is no surprise that the first place I went while in NYC was Ground Zero. St. Paul's Chapel, and the 9/11 Memorial Museum to be exact.

While, a beautiful place, I couldn't help feeling off. I am not sure if it was because there were SO many people there, and it was a church after all, and all of the noise? Or if it was because this spot of ground was where so many people died. I am not sure, I just expected it to be a peaceful place. Quiet, solemn.

When I got home and got my film scans back. The feeling of peace and solemnity finally came. It was as if I needed to capture those feelings inside myself to actually feel them. Which I think I did using my lens.

Hope you enjoy: