Deep.

I am feeling a deep and painful sadness.

I am depressed.

I have been so for almost a week now.

It is profound.

It is heavy.

It is dark.

I wasn't expecting it.

It is making me feel like a failure.

In my marriage.

As a mother.

As a photographer.

As a blogger.

As a friend.

As a provider.

As a servant.

In every way.

I cried for a long, long time today.

In the closet.

While running down the road.

In the shower.

On the bathroom floor.

Heaping.

Sobs.

It hurts.

It is frightening.

It is all I can do to keep breathing.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

I want to run away.

I want to be different.

I want to sleep all day.

I wish for the pain to be lessened.

I wish to feel myself again.

I hope this passes soon.

Funk.

I hate to say that I am in a funk.
Truth is?

I am kind of in a funk.

I can tell you exactly what started it even.
The problem?

I don't really want to share why.

It is silly, it is not important to anyone but me. Still, it started this enormous wave of self-doubt, it brought back great and painful feelings of loss, and really, I would just like to forget it, jump over it, and continue onward. I am not to that point, I don't have the ability as much as I long for it. So, I am treading through, praying, hitting my knees, longing for the answer that won't come and I am heartbroken because of it all.

Sigh.
Deep. Breath.
Sigh.

Other than that? My kids are growing so fast. Can you believe how ginormous she is?

I wish she didn't feel the need to act like she is 20. She is getting so big, and so smart, and SO funny. She brings us all so much joy. I am still so amazed that her brother and sister can have so much love for her. I am so pleased with them. There has not been one single moment of jealousy toward her. She came into their lives and she was loved from the very moment. I am not sure how many parents can say the same, but the dynamic between them all has tears spilling over.

My life is good. Truly, truly, truly good. Funk and all. It is good, and I realize that, and that is what is going to get me to the other side.

How do you de-funkify?

The big D and I don't mean Dallas...(or divorce).

Photo by Joth, taken on his Little Tykes digital camera.

My computer is bunk...so you get what you can off of Hubbs lappy.

Two and a half years ago, I couldn't tell you what it felt like to feel desperate, or in a dark place. I am almost certain I knew the grips of depression, but I was somehow able to find my way through, continue each day and live. Then when all hell broke loose , and then again, and again and again, I lost bits of me to that hell. Parts I wish I could get back, but hard as I try, I can't seem to find them.

“If people bring so much courage to this world the world has to kill them to
break them, so of course it kills them. The world breaks every one and afterward
many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It
kills the very good, and the very gentle, and the very brave impartially. If you
are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too, but there will be no
special hurry.” --Ernest Hemingway

This quote almost perfectly describes how I have been feeling. Especially if you subsititue 'world' with 'depression'. I feel like depression has been trying to break me. I hate it.

The other night I was SO tired, and the insomnia hit, everything hit and I cried myself to sleep. I wrote on my facebook wall, how much I would love to know how it feels to navigate this world without having to carry depression on my shoulders. It is a heavy weight and the good days and bad days are so interspersed that I don't know who is friend and who is foe anymore. It is heavy stuff. What does that feel like friends? What does it feel like to be free, to be able to wake up and make breakfast for your kids, walk them to school, without coming home and wanting nothing but to go back to bed? What is that like to feel otherwise?

I talked with Casey a few weeks back. She suffers from depression as well, and one thing we both have in common and which we discussed, and which she put on her blog a few days ago, is the lack of the ability to take full breaths. Really. Think about it. The anxiety and depression are so terrible some days that most days I don't take full breaths. Even as I sit here, I am not. No wonder I am depressed, my brain is lacking sufficient oxygen. ;)

I am courageous, I am brave, I am good, and I am gentle, I am trying to be strong in my broken places regardless of this depression.

Regardless if I must row the boat through the misty darkness for the rest of my life, I still see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the happiness around me, I hear the laughter of my sweet children, the love of my husband, and they keep me rowing. I love myself regardless of you depression. I may have to get out and wade through the churning waters at times, but I will never stop because of you. I will never allow you to hurt me so much that I let you overpower me, and I may find bits of me in this murky water, and I will salvage the pieces of me that I can from you, and arrive safely 0n the other side, and when I do depression, I am going to punch you in the throat and kick you in the nads.

Loving and missing her...

Moosh in Indy a.k.a My BFFIRL

Loving this post from her.
Thank you Casey.

Go read her blog and enter her giveaway.

Too many days without Prozac.

I hate talking about it. I hate admitting I need them.

I thought I was doing so good.

I had weaned myself off unknowingly.

Then I realized this evening that I really need to keep taking them.

I am super weepy. Obscenely grouchy. And, ULTRA sensitive.

So, tonight, I took one. I am praying that once they hit my system in the next few days I can feel like I can breathe again. How did I ever live without this little kiss of wonder? It hasn't been that long, maybe a week, but dang Gina.
I can't stand admitting I am weak, but perhaps if I do, then maybe others in my situation won't feel so alone, like I feel now.

Tonight I almost wigged out on Hubbs. Well, in my mind I wigged out on him good. I would say "poor guy" but he is fine. Tee hee.
I am SO angry and upset over something so silly.

Why oh why was I cursed with such Biznatchiness?
Is it hereditary?
Am I alone? Please, please tell me I am not. :(
Or perhaps maybe I am just depressed because all of the Easter candy is gone?


ENOUGH of that...

As for happier things, I just totally updated my photography logos, bid'nez card and blog thanks to this lady. Thank you Leisha...you are amazingly talented, I highly suggest you use her!

You may have noticed over yon <------ That I have this cool new button that takes you to my uber cool photography blog. Why just the photography blog you ask? Well, because I am officially announcing that in June 2009 I will have a website up and running. MY website up and running! (I am SUPER excited and stoked at the possibilities.) I can't wait to stare at it all the time. But for now, get your fix here:

(Clicky, clicky.)

Check back often, I have lots of fun sessions coming in the next week...some had to wait because they were surprises. Shhh.

Heart you peeps!

Dear Friend...

...the one that we ding-dong ditched today.

My heart was aching tremendously as I met with mrs r...and we discussed what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that today was for you.

We prayed that your nemesis sit on a tack, very long, very painful, very sharp and perhaps very poisonous tack.

There is nothing worse than seeing one of your good friends hurting, and knowing you can't do much for them.

We love you.

"It is what it is."

I've come here many times the past few days. Trying to decide what to say, how to explain how my heart is feeling. The words don't come easy, and I am not quite sure what to say.

I have gotten a few e-mails from people asking about the adoption, and because the situation is quite personal and very private, at this time I feel it best not to share anything more than we will not be adopting a baby this month as we had hoped. I ask if you have any further questions or comments please e-mail me personally.

With that being said, because so many of you have been concerned about me, I will let you know a bit of what I have been feeling the past few weeks.

With the events of the past six months spinning around in my head, and wit

h the knowledge and thoughts of almost having five babies into our home this year, without one coming to fruition, has me reeling.

My heart is aching. My heart is very much pained. I had to make a commitment a few weeks ago to turn my heart and my mind and my energy into my little ones. Into my hubbs.

I feared that if we didn't do this...the trials may get the better of us and things would not be well.

We have had some very spiritual confirmations as to the answers "why".

We still don't have the answers mind you, but at least we know and feel that everything our family has endured has been to teach us, and to help us to grow, and learn something that will help us and perhaps those around us in the future. We have learned greatly of unconditional love, of serving, of our hearts and just what they are capable of.

I have never prayed so hard or so much in my entire life. I have never felt such distinct promptings of the Spirit, such distinct answers to prayer that I can remember, and for these answers and comfort I am grateful. Accepting and acting upon these answers have not been easy at times...but again and again I am convinced and things are reaffirmed that we are doing what we need to be doing and on the path that we need to be on.

Because the events of the past while have been so painful, we have decided at this time to put our adoption profile on hold. This comes with a heavy heart, but a decision which we realize is best for us, and for our children to heal. Many hearts have been hurt, and pained, and we just aren't sure we can go on feeling the hurt at this time.

These decisions have been some of the hardest we have ever had to make. The past two weeks have left me, personally, downtrodden, sad, teary, greatly depressed, but at the same time renewed and close to my Father in Heaven. I have spent a lot of the past two weeks sleeping. Resting my body from the intense emotional pain I have felt. Resting from the intense physical pain caused by that half marathon too (ouch I hurt my ankle!). I have really turned into my work, into myself, into my heart...and trying beyond all in my being to remain close to my children, and close to my husband, and band us stronger and stronger through these hard times.

I'm not sure I can even explain a portion of what I feel.