LeGo LaNd

When I was in Chicago, I picked up some Legos for Jothan and Emmaree. I had forgotten how much I loved them when I was a little girl. My brother and I would play for hours and hours. We had the Lego Castle and the Lego Firestation. It was so fun to be able to play and imagine, but most importantly, to be able to do that with my brother.



So, it has brought me back so many years watching Jothan and Emmaree play Legos together. This afternoon we were playing Legos. Joth had built this "superhero" but he wasn't quite staying together. So, he and I worked hard to build a better superhero. Well, then of course, we have to build a monster for the superhero to save us all from. Here is the conversation that followed.



Me: "Here Joth, I finished the monster."

Joth: "Oh wow Mom! He's SUPER!"



Just like that...a little Lego magic and I get the word "super" out of him.



Even Emm got in on the action...making of course...a baby.



Emm: "It's a baaaaybeeee!"

Can't Sleep.

It is an insane hour of the morning. I took a REALLY long nap "yesterday" afternoon, I think this is my problem. I wanted to ask you guys:

Do you ever have really vivid and intense dreams?

I wouldn't consider myself a dreamer. I dream on occasion, (well enough to remember I suppose). It is very rare and few and far between. This last week though...EVERY night I have had INTENSE dreams. I wake up feeling EXHAUSTED, like I need to sleep the moment I awake.

The dreams have been about a lot of different things. Some were about LJ...some were about his mom. Others were about work...last night I dreamt we had a baby...and I kept losing the baby. (As in...where did I put the baby? Why isn't the baby in the crib...even when the baby was in my arms...the next moment the baby was gone.)

I know this probably seems really easy to decipher. I am probably just dreaming out the stress of the last little while. Honestly? I haven't been more at peace and happier in a really LONG time with my life. I just don't get the dreaming. A week people. Every night. Has this ever happend to you?

I heart Moosh in Indy

I got a phone call from Moosh in Indy last week. She called to ask me if I would go to BlogHer with her. She won this AMAZING contest where she made quite a nice sum of money.

So, she called to invite ME to hang out with her for four days. ME. I am REALLY excited. I have never been to San Fran. I know I already heart San Fran.

19 days.




Thanks again Casey.

To blog...or not to blog?

Ever feel like your life is full of so much STUFF that you don't know what to write about for fear you will confuse the living daylights out of anyone that comes here? This is going to be one of those random posts...because, afterall this is my journal, and I have been slacking it up lately.

So, I mentioned before we are making some changes over here. I made this HUGE old schedule for our little family. I outlined each and every day and the things that should get done that day. Training for this run has almost killed me, but it has made me NEED to schedule my life, and for that I am thankful. I feel like I am more organized (albeit tired), but we are eating better, getting more sleep, and spending copious amounts of time together that we never have before. That puts a smile on my face.

One of the bigger changes I am making with my life is my business. I haven't wanted to make this official, as I am still trying to get my website up and working....but I won't be photographing weddings anymore. (Holly, don't worry, I still want very much to be a second shooter, quite often as time permits...) Just for myself, in my own business, I don't want to do them anymore. Why? Well, because they just STRESS me out too much, I am not happy doing them. (Don't worry if you have already booked me...I love doing them...but the stress of them ruins me.) Basically, it is hard to explain...but that is why I am selling all of my "wedding" equipment. I just want to invest the money in a different camera body (in the future) and another portrait lens. My specialty will be babies and kids. I still would like to do families, but definitely in a more laid back fashion than I have been doing. I want to photograph the simplicity of life...the moments and smiles that people remember about their family, not the posed perfection...which never really is.

So...I made myself this awesome work schedule. M-F, each night of the week after the kids go to bed, I have something different to do. Mondays are my "blogging" days...Tuesdays and Thursdays are my editing days, Wednesday is my scrapbook day (ooo I am looking SO forward to this one.) Fridays are my work on my website and session days...and Saturday is another session day. It feels SO super good to have this down...and not deviate from it. I have been all over the place for so long, I was feeling overwhelmed. It is nice to say, "This is the night I do this...the work will be done by this day...and our sessions are held on this day." Having a balance has really made me happy. This is one of the best things I took away from the workshop in Chicago. I love that it is stretching into all aspects of our lives.

I'm feeling so happy guys. Even with all the crap that was thrown at us, I will never let anyone else get me down, control me, control my happiness, the way I feel about me, or my life EVER again.

Hope you guys can do the same.

Lenses Anyone?

***Edited to say: "Silly kids...I am NOT...repeat NOT switching to Canon." Amen.

So, I'm making some changes to my photography business. One of them being...well, I'm not saying yet...but I am liquidating some of my merchandise.

Up for Grabs:

Wide Angle AF Nikkor 24mm f/2.8D Autofocus Lens. Used 15 times Max for Weddings.

Retails on B&H for: $309.95

Will sell for: $250.00

There are maybe 3 years on this warranty.

Just thought I would put this out there if any of you are interested, before I KSL or Craigslist it. E-mail me if you want dibbs. kimsueellen [at] gmail [dot] com.

So it begins...

167.8

Changing our Style!

(Too bad these photos suck! They were shot on ISO 100,000,000! I wondered why I was getting such great shutter speeds.)

So, while I was in Chicago, I read this FANTASTIC article in LDS Living Magazine. (Another Guilty Pleasure of mine) Anyway, in the mag it talked about ways to change your life, to change how you feel about your body, about YOU! One of the topics of this article was asking a lot of questions like, "Do you make a list of healthy foods and meals before you go to the grocery store? Do you buy and then prepare the meals for your family?" I thought this was BRILLIANT! I talk until I am BLUE in the face about how I wish I was thinner...how I wish we ate better. Well, I realized it wasn't going to happen unless I MADE IT HAPPEN! I was bound and determined when I got home I would do this with my family.

So, since I was so FREAKING sick last week, I'll admit we ate out a lot and my kids survived on snacks a lot...it was all I could do for a few days to lift my head off the pillow! Last Saturday I went to the grocery store and stocked up on all stuff GOOD. And I have been making meals! Then, low and behold I read this on Tara Whitney's blog! Now, my photos DO NOTHING in comparison with hers...but I have had these "school" trays around forever...wondering what the "H" I was going to use them for. Tara...you are a GENIUS!

Yes...that IS Emmaree eating a carrot! And she ate BROCCOLI. Now, if I can just convince Joth to do the same, we'd be good. Anyway...we totally snacked while we made dinner, and I felt no guilt at only having carbs and protein on our plates. We're rockin' it over here at our house!

By the way...I began training today again for that half marathon that is coming up. Hubby expressed an interest...and now I have him on board! We ran 2 miles...and almost died...but we did it!

Today was a great day.

Post 200

What better way to have a 200th post then by re-posting my 100 things about me. Some of you may remember it...but I have a ton of new readers...so enjoy. Good workshop photos and schtuff to come soon!

1. I have two wonderful children and a loving husband.
2. I have a strong testimony of the gospel.
3. I love lounging around the house with nothing to do but spend time with my children.
4. I can’t believe that I am 26, I still feel like I am 16, only a whole lot wiser.
5. I never want to grow up.
6. I can’t believe I was half-way through college with my major as English.
7. I wish I had the stamina I did two years ago when I lost 25 pounds, I would like to find that Kim again.
8. I get migraines a lot and the only thing that helps are Excedrin Migraine, a Dr. Pepper, and a Chicken, Bacon, and Swiss sandwich from Arby’s.
9. I don’t even like soda pop unless it is with said migraine.
10. I don’t believe in judging others.
11. I can speak Portuguese, but I only speak it with my children because I am too shy.
12. My husband is ½ Italian, and ½ Brazilian and I think that is totally hott.
13. I hate talking on the phone.
14. I am painfully shy, until I get to know someone, this makes me appear stuck up.
15. I know all too well what it feels like to have your heart broken.
16. I hate driving in the snow, rain, or heavy winds; it sends me into an anxiety attack.
17. I am afraid of failing.
18. I wish I could have studied art like my mom did. She wanted me to be something more. I regret that now.
19. My husband buys me roses every year on our anniversary. Although, I really like sunflowers and daisies.
20. I am afraid of pumping gasoline, although I am the one that does it most of the time.
21. I am the second oldest of nine siblings, and I only share the same parents with one of them.
22. My maternity wardrobe is better than my wardrobe now.
23. I love newborns.
24. My kids make me laugh everyday! 25. My husband gave me an iPod it makes me feel so happy to listen to it because it reminds me of him.
26. I have been to Brazil twice.
27. My body was ravaged by childbirth.
28. JC Penney is my dirty little secret for buying clothes; they have the best sales EVER.
29. I am so happy we have a Forever 21...FINALLY.
30. I hate all logos on clothing.
31. I want the perfect childhood for my kids.
32. Target is one of my favorite stores on the planet.
33. I went back to school to study what I have always wanted: Photography. 34. I admire my grandfather for so many reasons; it is because of him I want to take photographs.
35. When I was in high school I wanted to be a pediatrician.
36. I like to window shop.
37. I have a weirdly scary photographic memory; it freaks me, and everyone around me out!
38. I like to cook, but hate to clean up after myself.
40. I would like to lose 30 more pounds.
41. I wish we were more financially stable.
42. I don’t watch much television. Except, House, ER, CSI, Law and Order…okay so I do watch a little.
43. I don’t like a lot of noise.
44. I like picture frames.
45. I know that Heavenly Father answers prayers.
46. I am so thankful for what I have.
47. It is hard to share my innermost thoughts with anyone.
48. My favorite place to visit is the ocean.
49. I am totally and utterly in love with my home. I really think I may stay here forever.
50. I always buy my kids a cookie from Mrs. Fields when we go to the mall together. 51. I often feel like a failure at things others say I am good at.
52. I have suffered hearing loss.
53. I don’t have a favorite restaurant. But I like many, Sizzler, The Melting Pot, The Mandarin, and Johnny Carinos (only for the bread).
54. I love when my husband kisses me on the forehead.
55. Losing a baby was one of the most difficult things I have ever endured.
56. I hate ice-cream and I don’t really like chocolate anymore. I thank pregnancy for this.
57. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father blessed me with my children. 58. I'm basically obsessed with blogging. I wish everyone had a blog.
59. I don’t have a favorite food.
60. I suffer from insomnia on a daily basis.
61. I hate clutter.
62. I spend more on an outfit for my kids than I would ever on myself.
63. I hate going to the gym until I walk through the door.
64. I love meeting new people.
65. I love to serve.
66. I hate doing my hair, but love putting on makeup.
67. Sometimes I wish I weren’t so lazy.
68. I only eat healthy cereal.
69. My family is my life.
70. I am thankful I can walk, see, hear, taste, smell, talk, and think.
71. I am afraid of losing someone I love.
72. I wish that I could keep my house totally clean all the time.
73. I hate knickknacks.
74. I wish I were more patient.
75. I love being back in school and learning.
76. I worry about what others think about me. I want to be accepted.
77. I used to be addicted to Oreo cookies, now I abhor them.
78. I love trying new things.
79. I like to vacuum the floor.
80. I wish I had the strength to run a marathon. (Funny...maybe I will someday.)
81. I am terrible at math.
82. Growing up, my closest and dearest friends were guys.
83. I hate sharing food with anyone. This is how my husband knows I love him.
84. I love to see growth in myself.
85. I have been to Connecticut and I loved it!
86. I love the smell of lavender baby wash; I used it long before I had children.
87. I hate a lot of things that I do well at.
88. My last job before becoming a mother was a seamstress.
89. I like to sleep in.
90. Sometimes I eat cereal for dinner because I crave it.
91. I drink skim milk.
92. I want my children to love me as much as I love them.
93. I feel contentment with my life.
94. I look at life differently through my camera.
95. I keep a journal on my computer, like Doogie Howser 96. My guilty pleasure is scouring photography websites on my dial-up connection. Pathetic.
97. I buy toys for my kids because I want to play with them.
98. I really like cars, and think I would like to buy a Lexus someday, but my husband wants a Suburban.
99. I want to travel more.
100. I want to have my family forever.

Wow. I totally had to change some of these. I can't believe how much has changed about me in two years. I think I have grown a lot. Have a great Monday people!

Dear Nose:

I have never been so thankful to be able to breathe out of you.

I'm happy you decided to clear up, even for a few hours.

I think throat is thankful too, she isn't as dry and scratchy and sore from getting all the dry air.

Now, if you happen to see voice, will you tell her that I miss her?

Love,

Kim

Yard Sale it Up!

I stole this from LEISHA!

(Cause I am sick and too lazy to re-write my own.)

People, people, people! Check this out.

I have been busily getting ready for the biggest yard sale I think I may ever experience. My friends, Kim & Lindsey and I have been frantically sorting, labeling, organizing and dejunking every night this week. It is going to be huge. You won't want to miss it and the best part about the entire thing is that all of the money that we make from the yard sale will be going towards our adoptions.

WHEN:

Saturday, June 21st

8am-1pm

WHERE:

4152 South King Arthur Drive

West Valley, UT (about 4152 south 2885 west)

look for the "Adoption Yard Sale" signs along the way, you can't miss them

WHY:

-to raise money for our adoptions

-to spread the word about adoption

THERE ARE SO MANY FABULOUS THINGS WITH THE BEST PRICES:

furniture.
(toddlers beds with matching night stands, matresses (twin & queen), kitchen table & chairs, indoor/outdoor chairs & cushions, cradle with cute bedding, china hutch, etc.)

clothes.
(.25 cents to $2.00 OR kids clothes - fill a bag for $5, adult clothes, fill a bag for $2; tons of kids shoes too)

baby stuff. (car seats, strollers, baby carriers, swings, bouncy seats, tons of clothes, etc.)

CD's, DVD's, & VHS tapes (including Living Scripture sets)

scrapbooking supplies.

dishes and kitchen items. (crockpots, bread maker, pressure cooker, etc.)

art & frames.

books. (most .25 to .50 cents!)

toys.
(tons of different toys, cheap. Grab bags for $1.00. Little Tykes table and chairs, Hokey Pokey Elmo, etc.)

electronics.
(TV, VCR, keyboards, mouse, radio, cordless phone, etc.)

bedding sets.
(for toddlers & adults, quilts, bed skirts, throw pillows, sheets, etc.)

We've had so many people donate items to the cause. Thank you for that to each and every one of you! Come and support us and help make our adoptions happen! And who knows what little treasure you might find while you are there! Happy Yard Sale-ing it everyone.

Visit All of Our Adoption Blogs
www.joinourfamily.blogspot.com

www.flavioandkim.blogspot.com

www.joshuaandlindsey.blogspot.com

I'm a sicky.

Dude.

Mrs. R, Leisha, and I have been yard sale-ing it up the past week. We've gotten together three times to sort...trash...keep...and label all things yard sale goodage.

I have been SICK.

Like, maybe this freaking cold going around sick? Like maybe I have an ear infection sick. Like I have a sinus infection sick. Like, I haven't SLEPT (literally) in the last 48 hours because I have this stinking cough.

Thanks Linds and Leish for making me go to the FREAKING InstaCare tonight.

I'm on drugs. Life it good.

I was pretty sure I was going to die tonight. I think I will survive to see this yard sale through.

Jewels in the Crown

Help me out here.

My mind and heart are all consumed with the events that have transpired over the past 12 weeks of our lives. My life in particular, as this is my blog. (I just need to reference the fact that I have not been going through this alone...that Flavio, Joth and Emm are right here going through it all with me.)

I never thought in a million years that so much shiz could be piled onto someone in the short spance of 12 weeks. I recognize that it could be a heck of a lot worse, and by all means I am thankful that it is not worse...but in our little corner of the Universe, it is pretty crap-filled.

If you ever asked me would I have lost the chance to raise three little spirits in the short amount of time of three months...I would have laughed at you in the face. I would have said, "NEVER!" I would never have put myself in that position. How utterly naive I was. How utterly naive I am.

When I get dressed in the morning, I see that little infant car seat sitting on the floor...I think back to how it got there. When my friend asked to borrow it...then I never put it back in the garage because Peanut was coming...then I never put it back because a little baby girl was coming...it is still there, and I just don't know what to do with it now.

We haven't heard from Chelsia for over a week. Her due date is June 25. The story about this is long and exhausting. I have lived this once before. It is excruciating. I've never shed so many tears, I have zero answers. I don't even know what to tell the world about this. I wish I even knew what to tell myself.

My husband and I are to this point that we are "DONE" whatever the meaning of that is. Done with building our family. I guess that is what we are feeling. (This is uber personal...and we still have some leg work to do in regards to the final decision...but this is where we are leaning...) even though I think this could be good, it scares me to death.

The thought of never holding a new baby in the middle of the night...watching someone crawl for the first time, walk for the first time, find another binkie, wash another bottle, clean spit up off my dry clean skirt...those are hard things to potentially let go of. On the flip side, to devote all of my time, talents and energy on the two beautiful jewels I have been given...well that is a very appealing choice as well.

I've heard it all, "You guys are SO young...you shouldn't make this decision now." "You have plenty of time." "You'll get pregnant again." "You can always adopt another baby." "What about Foster Care?" I don't know. I know that I had this perfect idea of how I wanted my life to go...and I didn't think that it would be where I am right now.

I've learned a lot. I'm thankful for the two sparkling jewels shining in my crown right at this moment...and the one little beam of light watching over us from heaven...three's a good number right? I've done enough haven't I?

I wish I knew.

A Baby?

A lot of you have been asking.

I'm not quite sure how to answer.

That's all I'd like to say about that.

Remember that Yard Sale Coming Up?

I do!

Well...this just in...we are selling ALL of our baby clothes. Remember this?

If you want some of those HOTT clothes...well then get your bumm to our yard sale THIS Saturday.

4152 South 2885 West
West Valley City, Utah

8-1pm

Baby clothes $2 and under
2 Toddler beds with nightstands
Cribs
Strollers
Carseats
Baby swings
Boppy's
Cradle
Toys
Furniture
Televisions

This is going to be a kickin' event. Be there or be a square.

Pictures?

Ya...I wish I knew where they were too. You want a post or you want pictures...'cause we can have neither if you'd like.

Seriously...my kids were both SICK when I left for Chicago...they are both still sick. I am having some TERRIBLE allergy issues myself.

I'll leave you with some more Chicago funny. Just proof that I still got it.

The setting: Rosebud Restaurant

Me, Leisha, and our new friend Heather.

I go to the restroom to wash my yucky humidity groddy hands.

Leisha and Heather talk.

I come back and the little waiter (with a hott accent) brings our drinks etc.

We order.

Heather goes to wash her hands.

Cute waiter comes back with meals.

Me: "Cute waiter, where on earth did you get your accent? It is BEAUTIFUL."

Cute waiter: "It's from Switzerland."

Me: "Switzerland, really? I would have guessed Italy...or Spain."

Cute waiter: "Indeed, Switzerland."

Me: "Well, it is nice."

Cute waiter: "I give private accent lessons on Friday nights."

Me: Blushing.


I want the world to know I am HAPPILY married to THE most wonderful man on the planet. But I will allow a cute bald waiter with an amazing accent to flirt with me. The spring was back in my step for a night at least.

Thank you cute waiter.

I promised funny.

I'm delivering funny. Here is some Chicago funny.

It pains me to be delivering funny. I must warn you, that you may need to run to the bathroom if you laugh even a tenth as hysterically as I did when this all happened. Here goes nothing. Please don't think less of me.

So, for some STRANGE reason, when I travel, I have massive problems with my digestive track, like, it stops...STOPS. I'm not exactly sure if it is the plane ride, the altitude shift or whatnot...but this happened to me in Chicago. (I thought I was alone in this...but Leisha admitted that she was having the same problem. I'm sorry to have admitted that FOR you Leish...but you know how this all ends...and it is TOO funny NOT to share.)

So, needless to say, my body decided to stop digesting food. I was in Chicago for almost 5 days. If you calculate the number of meals spewing in my body and being held in my intestines on day 5...you can only imagine what must have been brewing. One of the first meals going in was a very spicy...chicken enchiladas...they were still in there.

On the last night of our trip...I talked Leisha into going out and getting some "old lady medicine" as Leish likes to call it. I like to call it Dulcolax (that is a stool SOFTENER not to be confused with a laxative...I was desperate, but not THAT desperate.) So, we took them right before bed...and luckily for Leisha it helpled her. Me? Nada.

Leisha and I decided to go out to lunch before we caught our plane on Monday evening. So, we had a nice meal at P.F. Chang's and did some QUICK shopping at the Nordstrom's across the street from the restaurant. We got a little carried away and we were ten minutes from our "late check out" time at the hotel...so we literally ran into the hotel to throw our bags together to check out before they charged us for another day. As we literally ran into the elevator...we push the button for the seventh floor...the elevator starts going up and out of no where (literally who would EVER "fluff" on an elevator? NOT ME! NEVER...would NEVER! It just came out of no where...!) I farted on the elevator. I farted...enchiladas...p.f. chang's, breakfast from four days, pizza...steak and mashed potatoes, chips ahoy...anything else you can THINK of...was in THAT fart. I thought..."Oh my heck...we are going to die if that elevator door does not open!" So, I warned Leisha that I had let it rip...when we see "floor six" pop up on the little sign. The elevator STOPPED. It was STUCK. It never made it to floor 7. Leisha in her quick minded self, (she was in survival mode at this point, as was I) smartly hit the Lobby. We get back down the the lobby...(miracle of all miracles)and we literally RUN out of the elevator.

You're probably thinking, "Wow! LUCKY!" Right? Well, it gets better. So upon running from said elevator and full of laughter we see this guy...who happened to have been waiting for the elevator start walking in...we are like, "Dude that elevator is BROKEN!" (Trying to spare him from what was inevitably disgusting inside.) We push the button for another elevator and to our surprise one comes rather quickly...Leisha and I are DYING at this point...and in walks the little man who walked into the other elevator. This is what he says:

Me: "Ya, that other elevator was seriously broken, we got stuck...and it wouldn't go up to the floor we needed."

Man: "I don't know about that elevator being broken but something was sure broke in there."

Leisha: "Um, ya..."

Man: "Someone broke wind maybe."

Leisha and I: Straight faces.

Leisha: "Dude, you smelled it too? That it totally why we ran out of there!"

Man: "I was thinking, if I follow these girls and the smell follows them in there...I am in trouble."

Us: Straight face until elevator reaches seventh floor.

We turn the corner and bust up laughing and farting all the way to our room.

We got checked out on time.

Lucky us. Unlucky Man.

I'm back!

...will have a nice post for ya'll later tonight. It feels SO good to be home.

I went to bed early for two nights in a row. I'm thinking of making a habit out of that.

Hope everyone is well!

Holla! Chicag-a!

I'm in Chicago right now...with Leisha.

We are rawkin' it out...going to meet the LOVERLY Miss Audrey Woulard tomorrow. We are stoked.

That is it from us. We are going to go get a pedicure now. Have a nice day...see you on Monday.

Please note this is ONLY the HALF marathon.

Even if it kills me, and more than likely it will. Mrs. R will be there to carry me to the finish line (or to at least tell them where to find my body).

Why? Because I am crazy.

Why? Because I need a better outlet than Baskin Robbins.

Why? Because I want to photograph my children's weddings.

Why? Because I need to lose some weight.

Why? Because I am TIRED of telling myself I could NEVER do that, because I CAN!

CONGRATULATIONS!

Garth and Rebecca! I can't wait to kiss on her!

P.S. I love these CONGRATULATIONS posts. It gives me hope...and I hope it does to you too that miracles are happening all around us...whether it be through adoption, through a healthy pregnancy, a new job, anything happy can help strengthen us. I feel strengthened and SO thankful to see these babies entering the world. LOVE IT! Thanks Bec for using the term MIRACLE...exactly how I am feeling. Squee...did I mention I can't wait to meet her?!

Hoping to Adopt (Again) Part 6

Welcome to our next installment of "Hoping to Adopt".

Meet:

Greg and Arianne

I'm pretty sure they were dying for their turn. My apologies that I am just so stinking lazy sometimes. But this family...they are so utterly cute. This little girl would make THE BEST big sister EVER!

Arianne is such a good mom to little Anika. I am always amazed by how many fun activities this family does together, and how much time they spend with their extended family. A baby would be welcomed into their home with SO much love. If you know of anyone who is contemplating adoption and you feel Greg and Arianne would be a good match...remember them! ;)

BEST NEWS EVER!

You should TOTALLY go and congratulate them.

I am a dork.

Photograph Courtesy of Lilliana, my client's daughter. Thanks Lilliana!

With a capital D. Yo peeps. How are you?

Me? well I would LOVE to lie and say I am doing My-T-Fine...but...well I already told you THAT would be a lie. And I don't lie...so...so what then? Then I will SPARE you the dramatics and update ya'll on LIFE.

I wish I had some more quirky and funny things to write about, but alas, we are BORING folks.

Let's talk about that photograph of me! I am SUCH a dork. I like it though, there aren't many of me...so I'll take it. I usually let my client's kids take a photo or two with my camera if they want...and she wanted and she did a great job. Such a cute family. Guess what?! I started RUNNING. Can you believe it? I can't. When I say "running" I mean, WITHOUT stopping. Not like I usually did when I said I went "jogging" or "running". I am training for something...I don't have the guts to put up WHAT...but when and if I feel I can actually do this I would be happy to share, for now...just know I am doing REALLY well and I am so PLEASED with myself. Just needed to pat myself on the back.

So, LJ...here is the OFFICIAL word. He leaves us on Thursday. This Thursday. I am not sure how I feel about all of this. I can't tell you how I feel about much of anything. I just hope he is happy...and that his mother is happy, and that his life will be MUCH better than when he came to us...and for his sake I hope he doesn't have to come back here! (Because if he did it would mean he would have endured more trauma...he just needs stability.)

Well for the sake of having this be ultra long. I'll leave the post here. Have a good day!

All I really want to do right now is throw a toddler fit.

Not Sure...

...exactly what I am feeling, or have been feeling the last few days. I thought I was doing so well, but I am not. There is just unfortunately too much to share on this blog world viewable blog, and too much that I. Just. Can't. Share.

LJ's caseworker came today. She comes once a month to see him, how he interacts with us, to see his room, to make sure we don't lock him in closets etc. (Not funny, but really that is, in essence what they do.)

She informed us that he would be spending the weekend with Mom again. His birthday is Saturday. That means he will be with Mom on his birthday. What is my problem? I have a HUGE problem with this. I am just jacked up. I am beginning to realize that I may not be cut out for Foster Care, and their goal of "reunification". I am feeling a bit too much anger, and despite my prayers for LJ and for his mom, I am having a hard time dealing with things. I guess I am realizing how hard it is going to be for me when and if he goes back with her. I guess I am not sure what it is that I really want for him, or for us. I'm just feeling sad about all of it. There is a good chance...that he may be with Mom sooner than we realize...maybe a week?!

I have been thinking how much I want a little baby to join our family, how I think I want that more than anything. I opened up an e-mail address that I send all my "junk" to. You know...one that I never check...and the millions of messages in there are all about how far along I would be in my pregnancy. I haven't even given it a second thought since my doctor's appointment two weeks after our loss. I guess we would be 26 weeks now. It is just doing funky things with my brain. The past nine weeks...oh my.

There is just so much more...

Prepare ye!

To come to our AWESOME Yard Sale!

PASSION!

Passion that I feel in my heart...but don't have the words to express it as eloquently as Mrs. R does. Go, tell her how awesome she is...and consider her words.

Wendy's you are THE best!

LJ enjoying a little nugget lurve.

I often wonder about what people who live out in the boonies...or basically where there is NO Wendy's feed their children on nights like we have all too often? Usually it is Tuesday nights, when LJ has a visit and we find ourselves running around like dead cockroaches. Ahh, Wendy's we love you.

Today has been a really long and exhausting day for me. I just feel icky, icky. I am teary and my heart aches. I am feeling so many emotions that I am not sure what to do or how to act, or where to go from here. I just keep thinking about how much comfort and peace I have felt over the past two months, and even with all of the trials that have been thrown at us over the last few weeks, how much we have been blessed, and how much I need to remember that our Father in Heaven is mindful of each and every one of us.

I guess, I just need all of my friends to know how much I love them, and care about them. I want my kids to know the same. My hubbs too. I would do anything in the world for them...to see them happy and smiling, to put my arms around them each day so that they knew how much!

We all went out to Baskin Robbins again tonight. ( I am using food as a stress reliever right now. Not the best thing to do I would say! ) It was SO much fun to watch the littles devour their little scoops and "hats" ( cone turned upside down on the top of the cupped scoop. ) It brought me back down to what is important, my family...how important it is that they know that I love them. I remember going to the same ice cream place when I was a little girl. Oooo how I loved to pick out Pink Bubblegum...and save all the gum for the very end. I love watching Jothy take the time to think about which kind he is going to get. He told me tonight he was going to get "the green kind" ( Pistachio ). I am not sure if he would like it or not...so I was happy when I saw he opted for Oreo Cookies and Cream. I wish I could be more like him. Everytime I go somewhere, I always get the same kind...the same dish. I rarely venture out. I love that he isn't afraid to truly experience each thing in life, each flavor and not be afraid to be hurt in the process. I was thankful today to learn so much from the Cookies and Cream choice. Thanks buddy.

Blinds, and Rambo Yo.

So, it has been almost a year since we moved in to our new house. Can you believe it? And we FINALLY, finally, finally, FINALLY broke down and got blinds. We had wanted to do shutters in the bedrooms, but we got so sick and tired of looking at the blankets and sheets hanging over the windows that the need for shutters went, well, right out the window. ( I am SO freaking hilarious I know! ) They weren't the best blinds, or the most expensive...but I am SO happy with them. Our house FEELS so much cleaner, so much BIGGER, it is like having a new house all over again! We are in love.

Next, I have this lovely picture of Rambo for your viewing pleasure. Er, I mean Memms. The kids were out back playing in the "yard" ( next project hopefully! ) And they found the tracks to one of their Tonka trucks. I have just been informed by my husband that they are not considered a "truck" that particular vehicle is called a "tractor". Well, I've been schooled. Anyway, seems like it is a lot funner to wear the tracks as a Rambo headband than to actually play with them in the dirt. I still laugh when I see one of the kid walking around the house with one on their heads.

Drizzly Day.

Why oh why, when we have a day off from work, from the mundane life that we all lead...does it have to drizzle?

I do love the rain...but it just made today a little gloomy.

We went and ordered pizzas, got ice cream, and cuddled up on the couch and watched movies with our kiddos. I can't think of a more perfect day than this.

What did you guys do today?

Thoughts on LJ and Foster Care

I get a lot of questions about how Foster Care is going. How long LJ will be with us. "What's his story?" Unfortunately due to confidences we aren't allowed to share. I know that this is no news to anyone. I'm not even allowed to put a picture of his face for you all to see. (Very understandable.) So, I decided I would make this post for all of the "Hoping to Adopt" couples and people even contemplating doing Foster Care. I hope to be extremely candid and answer any and all questions and let you know the nitty gritty of what I have felt the last two months...and surprisingly where I am at in this stage of the game.

LJ has been with us for two months now. We have been on a roller coaster ride where his case is concerned. He came to us on a "Foster Only" basis. Meaning, he was on intensive reunification with his mother. He was seeing her three times a week at that point. Somewhere along the way that grew to four times a week and is now down to one time a week (sorta). We have been told so many different things concerning him, we just say whatever to it all now and just love him and give him all he needs while he is here with us.

My biggest problem with the whole thing is that I felt a little "tricked" into taking him. This is nothing against little LJ but against the system itself. He had been in a shelter home (emergency home) for 50 days. When they called us (specifically knowing we only wanted to take a child 12 months and younger) they told us he was 18 months old. What is another 6 months right? Well, in terms of children who have not had the best care...it was a lot! Plus, since he was considered "foster only" (I'll explain why later) we couldn't even read his file which would have said specifically WHAT he had been through in his short life. So...we have a few hours to decide. In our crazy state and our big hearts we say YES! Well, he comes to us and he is 22 months old. YES, 22 months. That is, TWO years old. We find out that he is considered Foster Only because they couldn't find a home for him because of his intensive reunify status. And all of the Shelter Homes were FULL so they needed him out. Isn't the system LOVERLY?

So, you all know what happened less than 24 hours after he came to us right? So naturally I wasn't in THE best state a foster parent could be in. So really, that same week (I am ashamed to admit) we asked to have them find another family for him. I was a wreck. My kids were a wrech...and poor LJ didn't need to be in a home where another mother was a wreck. It was all just TOO much to handle. Remember I said our hearts are big? Well that is why he is still here. Somehow or another we pushed through all the shiz and here we are two months later, because seriously he was supposed to go live with grandparents, then with Mom. Now, hopefully in the next few weeks he can go back to be with mom. He has been in the system for almost six months. They give parents AT LEAST eight to get it together to have their children back. SO, either in the next few weeks he will be back with her, or they will screen him for "legal risk" which means they will screen families (including ours) and find the best possible fit for him...which means he may be able to be adopted by a family.

In our hearts, we honestly and completely feel he is meant for another family. We have never felt an overwhelming impression that he would be here for a very long time. But if it becomes necessary, we will have the dice thrown in our favor...so wherever the cookie crumbles...if he is to stay here we will keep him forever...if not and there is a better and more eternal placement for him, the state will find it. Hope that makes sense.

I think Foster Care is a wonderful avenue for those searching to add to their family. It is not easy, but it is doable. We have learned to love more fully and more unconditionally. We have learned that sometimes there is MORE out there to give of ourselves than we realize. My advice would be to stick with what you are comfortable with. If you don't think you could foster an older child, then don't. It isn't fair to them and not fair to yourself if you feel like it isn't something you can do. Also, don't be afraid to say "no". Like most things in life, if you get the gut feeling that you shouldn't do it, then more than likely you shouldn't do it!

LJ's birthday is next week. We are looking forward to being the lucky ones to celebrate it with him! ;)

Dude.

She is a pumpkin. She makes chocolate look SO good. So, Saturday my sister in law was in town. I was a raging hormonal lunatic. I will spare you my dramatics. Let's just say my horomones were on overkill with this upcoming "time of the month" if you will. It resulted with me saying the f word. (Yes I just said THE f word, go ahead...remove me from your blog rolls.) in public, in front of A. LOT. OF. PEOPLE. I am 99% sure my sister in law heard it. I was PISSY. So...needless to say I needed to leave the place where we were. On my way home...to BE home for when LJ got home...I decided that Joth, Memms and I would stop for a little Baskin Robbins LURVE. The kids both wanted chocolate. Well, lucky for me...they BOTH fell asleep in the car...so after naps, I snapped a few of Memm. (Jothan wasn't covered for once...plus he was still sleeping.)

Anyway, it does my heart good to see these. Love those first few I popped off really quickly. Those looks. That girl. Ahhh.

Hoping to Adopt (Again) Part 5

I know, I know it has been FOREVER since I did a hoping to adopt segment. Why? I dunno, but I am back FULL force. SO many good things are happening all around me...it is time I GIVE back AGAIN.

Meet Brian and Leisha. They rawk. What more can I say? Leisha is an amazing mother. She loves her kids more than anything. Brian is one cool dude, very funny. As we have gotten to know them, they have become such dear friends. We can't wait to see them add another little life to their family. If you know of anyone...send them their way!

Congratulations!

Josh and Amy. She is beautiful.

This Film is Not Dead

Oh man, I miss Hawaii. Miss, miss, miss.

Dear Aunt Flow:

No, this is not a picture of Aunt Flow, but thanks to Carly for visiting me and bringing me the best possible solution for my dilemma ever! She brought me this tonight. Mmmmm. I can't thank her enough. I'm eating a bowl of it now then it is off to bed. Aunt Flow can suck it.

Love Potion #31. Oh how I love and despise you all at once.

I want to get off please.

Ever feel like your life is a roller coaster and you enjoy the ride for a little bit, but then your tummy starts to hurt, and you feel your lunch coming back up and you keep trying to signal the attendant that you just want to get your butt off, but each time you roll back around they have their iPod stuck in their ears and they are rawkin' out so much that they can't see or hear you? So you just end up with puke all over your new jeans, and designer stilletos, and your favorite new blouse that you bought just to go to the grand opening of the latest ride?

Ya my tummy hurts and I just want to puke.

I feel like my entire life has been one huge, long roller coaster ride. Sometimes it is so great, I can handle the "tickle pee pee" feeling. I can take the hills one after another, the steep inclines and the sudden drops, but today, well today I just, want to get off, shower, and change my clothes.

I'm not even sure if I can pinpoint why I feel this way. I guess it is because it is Monday. I don't much like Monday. I got a somewhat rude e-mail from this person in my ward, basically telling me she can't do her calling if I don't do mine. People, people. I do my calling, sorry if I have been a little preoccupied lately. Then, I didn't get to talk to one of my favorite people today. That made me sad, but perhaps it is a good thing for both of us. I hope so. Then, everyone keeps asking me about LJ. It isn't that I mind sharing all the 411 about him, as much as I can anyway, but I dunno, something about his case makes me feel utterly helpless, totally sick and leaves me feeling like I am not cut out to be a foster mother because I love too much? Is that possible? He is still with us, but again, not for much longer...they tell me two weeks...but then again they said that three weeks ago. That's what I know for right now.

So, (you ask) what do you do to help yourself feel better during these trying times? Well, I go shopping. And not just any shopping. Shoe shopping. I bought two pairs today. D.I. is getting six of my old pairs tomorrow. I can't wait to wake up...shower...and put on my new pair and take the kiddos to the zoo. That's just what I need...get off the coaster and step in the rhino shiz. Wish me luck.

Today.

I feel like I haven't had a lot of time to get out and photograph the SPRING. I think spring may officially be gone, as I looked at the trees today they are all FULL of leaves. Man o man, where'd the time go? This top photograph was the ONLY photograph I took of blossoms. It is totally crap...soft focus. Oh well, it still says "spring" and I want to hold onto spring for as long as I can.

This one is just for fun, it is part of my "Top Secret" shoot that I can't really talk about, but I have no idea why...so I won't talk about it...but you can see for yourself how cool it must be.

I'm feeling...oh, reminiscent today. This is not usually my thang as I like to look to the future, always trying to plan my life down to the second. I guess it is all part of my "letting go" for the year. Words I haven't really thought of for a while...but need to remember more that my goal for this year was letting go.

I wish I could share more about little LJ's case. This week has been a rocky and rough one for me in terms of my feelings. My feelings about his situation, about his mom, about how much I wish and long for him. Through all the prayers and tears Heavenly Father has shown me the answers to "why" and has shown me that I will survive letting go of him. He'll be okay.

Not quite sure what this post was all about...just wanted to sit and let some thoughts flow. Have a good weekend everyone!

Sometimes...

...photography is a drug for me. It is very theraputic. I wish sometimes I could run outside and just shoot away. It wouldn't be too great right now, since it is one in the morning. But I just finished editing my last session and realized how much I love doing it. How much I have missed working. Feels good to be back doing it.

I feel like I am just now beginning to appreciate who I am as a photographer. While I look forward to where I will be five years from now, I can finally look at my work and really enjoy at least something from each session. There is something about it that is passionate, something that was missing that I didn't have before. I just see a lot of myself. Sometimes, I think I see the person I wish I was.

Just Now:

In regards to Emmaree playing with a bunch of gifts we have sitting here for Chelsia.

Me: "Emm, PLEASE don't touch that."

Emmaree: Proceeding to touch and touch and touch. (Very unlike her.)

Me: "Emmaree! Please don't touch those!"

Emmaree: "I "LJ"."

She was pretending to be LJ. She is a butt.

i heart mrs. r

(as well as this photo I swiped from her.)

Happy Day!

BAWLING.

Remember them?

They just became parents. Congratulations Andrew and Sarah.

Adoption is AMAZING.

My heart is full.

Thomas! (And his friends.)

True story:

Riding home from dinner tonight, I was sitting in the backseat with Jothan. Over the radio airwaves we hear this song of little kids singing about Gordon B. Hinckley.

Me: "Hey Joth, do you hear that song on the radio? They are singing about Gordon B. Hinckley."

Joth: Listening intently. "Oh ya Mom they are!"

Me: "You know that Gordon B. Hinckley died and went to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus, right?"

Joth: "Ya Mom, now there is another Gordon, named Thomas!"

Leave it to my little four year old to recognize that A: We have a new "Gordon" (prophet) and B: That in the show Thomas and His Friends (You know which Thomas I speak of...) There is an engine named Gordon, and an engine named Thomas. I would have never put those two together.

Little Man, you totally RAWK, I love you so much!

CONGRATULATIONS JAKE AND JULIE!!

(They just found out they are expecting their first baby/babies...Due in January.)

Love you Julz!

This kid has personality.

Sometimes...sometimes, I think that LJ is out to get me. Sometimes I think that he doesn't take a nap when the other kids are, just because he knows how much I need that hour to myself. Sometimes, I think he needs that time with me, with someone, and sometimes the things he does just make me LAUGH out LOUD. Things like this:

(Sorry about the creepy black box...I got creative because I am dying to post about this.)

When I went into his room for the tenth time yesterday to make sure he was lying in bed, not taking every last bit of clothing out of the drawers, he must have heard me coming, because I saw him running to his bed wearing this snazzy attire. How could I be upset? I let him up, took a few photos and put him back to bed. I made the mistake of putting the tie and hat away...and he had them on within two minutes of me putting him down again.

Little Dude...you bring sunshine. I hope you always know how much you are loved.

He gets to spend the weekend with Mom. I take him to her in the morning. I've been a little teary today. But thankful that he can be safe with his family again soon.

My Friend

She came over today. I just love her and her little Liv to absolute pieces. I miss seeing them often. Do you remember them?

Thanks for stopping by today Wend. It was a great excuse to sweep the floor. ;)

Just proof that when you come and visit me, and visit my blog, you just might be rewarded.

Today I was bored...

So I got out the camera and took photos of the only child that would cooperate. I love her uber much. She is such a ham.

"Take a pitcha' of my hands!" (I did...I just liked this one better!)

"Give me a BIG smile Memm!"

Good times.

I took some of the other kids...but that memory card is locked in the car...far away from here. Hopefully tomorrow!