hearts

Sometimes, there are no words. Sometimes a photo can really say a thousand words.

This week has been a roller coaster. One full of many tears and sorrows, one full of happy news and excitement. Lost a dear friend this week, found out many friends are expecting, both biologically and adoptive-ly (I am certain that is NOT a word.)

Needless to say, my heart is full.

Full of hope.

Full of gratitude.

Full of love.

What has your week been like?

Toren

Watch this video of my cute little friend.
From beginning to end.
Freaking awesome he is! I have known him since he was a tiny little thing. Now he is all grown up and entering contests, and going to get all the ladies with his mad skills!

Good Luck Toren!

Hitting Rock Bottom

***originally posted to Shredding with Simply Me lovingly referred to by our contributors as swsm***

Hi all. I think I finally hit it. Rock bottom. A few weeks ago before leaving on my trip to NYC I was up late working. Somehow I was on gchat which never happens. I am much too much too busy to chat anymore. But, it happened. An old friend was on and somehow we began discussing weight. The last time I weighed in I was at 200lbs. 200lbs. I hated myself. I detested myself. It was just something inside my brain that could not comprehend that I had let myself go to that point. This friend said some things to me that really got me thinking. I won't talk about them here, but I left the conversation feeling REALLY bad about myself. I love this friend and I know she was just being honest and trying to help me. For that I am thankful for her words and thoughts.

So, anyway, almost three weeks ago, I hit rock bottom. Each day is still a struggle and a battle with never ending depression. I have been having a really hard time with myself. I have been looking at pictures from my trip in denial that this was me. I made the decision today to weigh myself as I have been more conscious of my eating and I probably walked as many miles as the pioneers in the three weeks I was gone. I was really happy to see that I had lost 4lbs. Granted, this was the 4lbs I gained since starting this journey, but it is a start. A happy start.


I will battle those demons each and every day and do my best to keep on the right path. I don't aim to inspire anyone but myself. But here goes. I am back (again) and ready to shine.

Give Health

What have you done for yourself today?

Me? I am about to take a shower. Probably a five to ten minute shower in nice hot, CLEAN water. I have had 3 glasses of deliciously ice cold water today, and guess what? That was clean too. I also had breakfast and lunch, and I have so many extra pounds on my body I can't stand it. I am lucky.

What have you done for someone else today?

Me? Right now I am hoping to change the life of someone if even for a day, with your help.

I just got home from BlogHer '10 in New York. While there I had the AMAZING opportunity to meet with P&G to learn more about their Give Health Clean Water Blogivation. I was astounded and teary eyed learning about what this company is doing to provide clean water to those around the world who need it.



We are all SO blessed. Especially those of us who wake up each day without thinking one second about our water supply. I chose to write this blog to you so that we can help change the lives of so many in need.

As a mother, my heart aches at the thought of not being able to provide essential necessities for your child. One like clean water at the top of the list is excruciating for me to think of. I want to do everything in my power to help another mother provide this simple thing for their child.

This information is astounding as well.

I am asking you to vote! For every vote I get from this post, P&G will donate a day of clean water for someone who probably has never had it! How amazing is that?

So...lookie over there ---------------------------------------------------------------------->

With a simple click, that is all we need to helps someone in need! (Let's do this thing and rock it out of the park! Come and vote every day until next Friday!

You may also click here as well, vote EVERY day until next Friday! Thank you!

First day of 1st Grade: A love letter to Joth

Dear Joth,

I have tears in my eyes just thinking about writing this. I don't want to call you J-Man on my blog anymore. You are my Joth, and my Joth you will always be.

It has been extremely bittersweet to see you enter first grade. I miss you so much everyday. Your sisters miss you. My heart is only gladdened by the fact that you are learning and that there is so much joy upon your returning home to us each day.

I LOVE this face on your first day of school:

I love your excitement. Especially your nervous excitement on this day. I could tell you were super happy about your teacher being your teacher. I could see you were a little nervous and unsure about going to school the entire day, and bringing a lunch, and trying to remember to bring your lunch box home each day. We are still about 50-50 on that one. :)

I think this photo of you with your teacher pretty much sums up your feelings on that morning.

I loved seeing your new big boy desk with the fresh box of crayons and new pencil.



And this face that looks almost like it might cry, but it is trying to be SO brave.



And I love how you always go for the blue crayon first. Blue is your favorite color and you always start with that when you draw or color.

I am so proud of you. Sometimes when I have the girls and I drop you off to walk to your line by yourself, I am pretty sure you don't realize I am still watching over you until your teacher comes to get you.

Yesterday, I stayed in my car and watched you help a little boy whose backpack fell down the steps. You ran and got it for him. And then again when a little girl in your class lost her flip flop down those same steps. Will you remember standing in that line, with the drop off and playing on the handrail? Will you remember helping those two kids without a thought or care in the world except that you saw a need and you fulfilled it?

I love you. This is who you are. Please always stay that way. Stay so kind, and loving and helpful. Continue to grow, but I beg you at the same time to always be my little boy.

I love you Joth.

Completely.

...and FOREVER.

xo

-Mom

Taekwondo Orange Belt Level 2 Testing

J-Man had the opportunity to test for his second level orange belt a few weeks ago. I am SO proud of the love and joy he has for Taekwondo.

He is always very serious, focused and attentive. His moves are strong. He is not a ship passing in the night, he is anchored and ready and fierce.

I love watching him! I can't wait for him to get his black belt (and neither can he!)

Love you J-Man. Keep it up!

Bye!

photo by moosh in indy on my 35mm

I am leaving today, to attend BlogHer. Remember how I won that ticket? I feel so lucky! The fun thing? I will be gone for more than just the conference. I just wanted you to know that I may not be able to post much while I am away. I have some sweet posts lined up in the form of what I like to call, "Love letters to J-Man." Mostly because the next two posts are about him, and his ginormous heart. He truly is the best.

So, as I leave on a jet plane, I just want to say thank you! Thank you to all of those who come here and read, and share their thoughts and feelings. This is why I blog. To be me, to meet you, to get to know me better through you. May you all have a wonderful few weeks!

xo

Sundays

Technical geeky: Fuji 100C instant film negative, bleached and then scanned. Shot on Polaroid 600SE.

I {heart} Sunday.

Why?

Because I get to spend my ENTIRE day with these guys. We get to laugh, we get to play with instant film. we get to relax. We don't have to go anywhere if we don't want to. We can be lazy and watch movies all day if we want to. We can just BE...and that is what we are doing today. Just being.

Bliss.

"I'm not your assistant!"

Monday was a busy day. I was rushing to get J-Man to his first day of school, rushing to get us all dressed and out the door so we girls could get haircuts after we dropped off J-Man.

In my rush I asked Memms to help me feed Millz. (I have always held her bottle for her, she can hold it, but it is really up to her to decide if she feels like doing so. On this particular occasion she was adamant that she wasn't going to hold it. Hence my asking Memms for help.)

The conversation went as follows:

Me: "Memms! Mama needs your help to feed Millie, will you come hold her bottle for her?"

Memms (directed toward Millz): "Zilly, I am not your assistant!"

Me: Full on laughing my guts out, and running to grab the camera as proof.

Don't you think the point is made even clearer by Millzies hands ABOVE HER HEAD.
GAH! The hilarity.

Love these girls. Love them. Love that even though Memms is really NOT Millz's assistant, she does it anyway because she loves her.

I hope that they are always besties.

Next first steps.

(you like my new film camera? my new bff! contax 645 fuji 400h)

I know you think the title of this post is about her, but it isn't. It is about her mom. Her mom that isn't quite sure how to take the next few steps in her life knowing that she won't be a new mom again during this life. EVER. It is making her mom very sad, and her mom is having a hard time with that. Silly I know, but true nonetheless.

In case you were wondering, her mom is me. :)

Isn't she just the cutest thing? Oh my goodness how I have loved and enjoyed her.
(Please note the chalk all over her...and her adorable chalk art on our driveway.)

I think the big birthday celebration last week, with Millz turning one threw me for a little loop I wasn't expecting. I wasn't expecting to have such a joyous occasion bring a little bit of tears and depression to my heart. It did, but I am getting over that. It is just par for the course. Big days bring big realizations that she is our last little nut. She isn't quite taking her own first steps yet. Although she took 6 outside yesterday because she was desperate to play with the neighbor's dog.

So, anyway, back to me. I just don't know how to take the next first steps in my life. The steps out of family building and into family rearing. I know I have been doing that all along for the past six years. But this? This is a different feeling. Instead of planning on how to get the next child here, we are now planning on when the last child enters school, then what will I do? I am not wishing time away, but minds naturally go that route. Ahhhh.

I just want to freeze time. Freeze these moments with my three babies and keep them this size for twice as long. I wish the days were longer only to have more time to kiss their cheeks, rub their sweet feet, read to them. More time for that and less time for all of the other garbage would be blissful. Perhaps those need to be my next first steps. My first steps into being a better mother with nothing to worry about except them! I am going to work on that.

One.

beautiful image by jonathan canlas. (thank you.)

I can't believe you are one my sweet girl.
You complete us.
All of us.
You were worth every tear.

Thank you for your constant smile, and all of your sweet kisses.
Love you sweet baby.

me.

Polaroid 600 SE Fuji FP-3000B

I have had 'me' on my mind the past few days.

I tend to be really hard on myself at times. Does anyone else have that same problem?

I started blogging four years ago when my best friend moved to Indiana. That is when she started her blog. I loved keeping in touch with her, and reading her adventures in a far away land. I missed her. She is the reason I started blogging.

I began to love recording the everyday happenings in our life. Then a year after I started my blog, I kind of, well...deleted it. I am not sure why. I know it was a moment of temporary insanity, mostly I didn't feel like I could take the pressure. Pressure I was placing on myself. The blogging hiatus only lasted a few weeks, and I regretted the deletion
(I still have the old posts on my hard drive hoping to replace them someday.)

While blogging gave me a place to share my feelings with this vast openness, I began to realize that it was changing me. Some of the changes were really good, some of them gave me feelings of inadequacy.

I have learned much from writing my own blog. I have learned even more from reading other blogs. This post is about that. What I am, and what I am not.

• I am not the perfect mother.
• I will probably never throw a giant birthday party for my kids and that is okay.
• I don't own a purse. Okay, I do, but it came from the dollar section at Target and I don't use it anyway. Because I don't own a purse, I cannot glean from all of the posts about purses and their contents.
• My diaper bag is outdated, and certainly not cute, and I can't wait until I never have to carry it anywhere, as stated above I don't own a purse and a diaper bag is too much like a purse.
• I have breastfed and I have bottlefed and I prefer the latter. Even if I have to clean bottles. (See bullet #1)
• I would love to decorate my house with little pendants that say, "I love you!" or "Happy Easter" that I made myself, but it will never happen, and I have decided it isn't 'me'.
• I hate housework. I will never tell you how to scrub the soap scum from the shower door and enjoy it, because I don't.
  
• My goal in life is to earn enough money so I never have to even think about soap scum again.
• I read to my children every night. I sing to them every night. I pray with them every night. (Perhaps I am bullet #1 after all.)
• I have camera envy from about 90% of you out there. Your cameras kick my old digital, which is why it is gone. I may shoot film now, but it doesn't mean I don't dream of Nikon sponsoring me for the rest of my life. Hello, is this thing on? Nikon?? Cough D3...cough.
• I love my husband. A lot. It just isn't me though to be constantly lovey-dovey to him. He isn't prince charming, and I am not Snow White, and that is okay.
• I yell at my kids. (I guess I am not bullet #1.)
• I have a testimony. I have found a stronger 'me' throughout the last four years, and I didn't know she existed.
• I don't own anything in my closet that is name brand. In fact, the last thing I had that was name brand was when I was 21 and our house flooded with sewage. Seeing Ralph Lauren covered in poop looks about the same as Wal-mart covered in poop. This doesn't mean I don't covet your Jimmy Choo's or Prada. I am probably jealous of you, but would never let you know that.
• I am an amazingly beautiful person inside.
• I am kind.
• I am loving.
• I would do almost anything for anyone.
• I have learned to put myself before others. Sometimes that is the strongest thing you can learn to do.
• The word 'no' is the most important word in the English language. I am learning to use it better.
• Water is good, and so is steak. I also feel strongly about bacon. Sometimes I feel bad when I read about vegetarianism. Sometimes.
  
• Ice cream is disgusting unless I say otherwise.
• I love my kids and their stinky feet.
• I like my laundry to smell perfect.
• I love adoption.
• Sometimes reading blogs makes me cry, makes me happy, makes me mad, makes me envious, makes me think.

This list could go on and on, but I am suppose to be working, I just needed to see where 'I' am.
I am learning to love me, for who I am, and for who I have become.
I am proud of me.

Button Love

<a href="http://kimsueellen.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm38/leishakelsey/Simply%20Me/button-10.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a>

...I love you too.

And really that is all that matters.

My batteries need recharging.

I feel like the stars aligned tonight as I sit at my kitchen table working, in my bare feet. It is late, and the day has been filled with screaming kids, noisy toys, and shutter releases of happy faces, dirty faces, crying faces, and sleepy faces.

Let us specifically talk about the noisy toys and the shutter releases. When I was little we did not have many toys that required batteries. I am so old I guess that it wasn't until I was almost out of the house that we started having things like hand held video games like the ancient versions of Nintendo DS and whatnot. None of which I ever had.

My mind goes to my little sisters and their Leap Pads. I am 12 and 15 years older than my sisters, so after I was married I was virtually their daycare provider for years. They would come to my house in the mornings and lug with them their Leap Pads, DS's and other various battery-operated toys. You would think it was a wise way for them to pass the time right? Well, yes and no. 99% of the time these toys were non-functioning. The batteries were dead. The reason they brought them to their big sister? They knew I would change the batteries. Even though I didn't grow up with them, I knew that Mom and Dad never changed the batteries in their toys. I mean, c'mon I understand why...batteries can be spendy, and toys can be extremely annoying, but for a kid, a toy with dead batteries is simply worthless.

So, I would change the batteries. I vowed from that day forth to always change the batteries in my children's toys.

Then I became a photographer. If I have a wedding I can go through 15+ batteries in each of my flash units in ONE DAY. Batteries are expensive, and the best brand on the market I found to run my flash units and my pocket wizards is hands down Energizer. More specifically the Energizer Ultimate Lithium Batteries. Once I tried these babies I could never go back. I could now go through a wedding day and not have to change the batteries from my flash, and for a photographer, not having to miss a moment is priceless! So, I stocked up so that I would always have some on hand. Then, one day after my six month leave of absence after having Millz, I went to my battery stash, and it was GONE!

In six months Hubbs, J-Man, Memms, and Millz had used up all of my batteries. They were strewn all over the house. Inside of Spiderman's bumm, the baby monitor's side (because really, we can't miss that Spanish radio or the Baptist preacher that streams through it, forget about the baby screaming her guts out). Some were in the Leapster, and the various Fisher Price friends. I screamed and wanted to run all around the house, screwdriver in hand to rescue my precious batteries. Of course, in the end I sucked it up and went to the store before my wedding, all the time cursing myself for my 'always replace the batteries oath'.

So, you may ask, what do bare feet and batteries have to do with stars aligning? I came across this super cute blog...and kept nodding my head when I read this post. I need me some of these Energizer Recharge Smart Charger. I need a million of them. That way I will have enough to share.

I am headed to New York in two weeks to attend BlogHer '10. To meet other sweet, funny, kind, adorable ladies like myself, and mostly to get away from the screaming kids and noisy toys. All the while hoping to recharge ME. I want to be an Energizer Smart ChargHER!

The main reason I NEED to be the Energizer Smart ChargHER more than anything is not for the money to buy more batteries, but for the simple reason that I have no wardrobe for BlogHer '10. I have been stressing for weeks about what to wear, and the Energizer shirt sounds like the perfect option, I just hope to be chosen in time to create my matching earrings and necklace ensemble, made from recycled batteries of course.

a perfect brightness of hope.

...just as I am about to leave to photograph a beautiful family, a new mother who is a mother because of the selfless gift of another mother.

I have seen this video from www.lds.org all around the Internet this week, and last week. I haven't taken the time to watch because, for some reason I wasn't sure I could handle bawling, or to be reminded of what an incredibly large responsibility these children of mine are. I can tell you this, it is worth watching. Every second is worth watching.

My favorite line? His very last. 'look forward with a perfect brightness of hope.'
Commence tears.

Hope.

Not only to be the best you can, and that each day we don't have to be perfect, and continued hope to those of you out there who have seen this video with tears in your eyes because you hope to be a mother. Heavenly Father LOVES you. I don't care who you are. He knows you...and is eager to give you that which you seek, even if the road is hard, and rough, and with lots of detours...the end is beautiful, and worth the trip. I can tell you that, because I. KNOW.

Always Something to Talk About

Fuji 100C instant film. Shot on a Polaroid 600SE

I had the honor today, of guest blogging over at:
Always Something to Talk About

Today was a good, good day. A lot of proverbial 'chips' have fallen and are continuing to fall into place for me this week. Like, jaw-dropping, amazing things. Can't wait to share.

For now? I have been a long time away from my kids today, and my bed is calling.

Tell me about a time when the chips fell into place for you. I need some inspiration.

Millz and J-Man

Ilford 3200 black and white film, shot at f5.6 on a Yashica MAT 124G.

Personal work.

Recommitting.

Hi. So, here I am (again). I have been hiding. Can you tell? Hiding from my weight and the world in general. I knew I needed to surface, but wasn't quite sure if I was ready or not. I think I am ready to try again. I am just SO afraid of failing. Failing myself, failing YOU. I have been failing. Failing a lot. I know all the talk, "Do it for YOU, and no one else!" etc, etc. That is true, but that is HARD to do. So very, very hard.

So, this time, I am taking it in small baby steps. I have a new regimen, a different attitude. I am going to take it one day at a time. Do as much as I can that day, as long as it is something small. Even if that just means getting out of bed and walking up and down the stairs, or cleaning a toilet, or making dinner. It will be something. Some sort of movement. My goal now is to take it one tiny step at a time. My goal for now, lose 5lbs, then another, then another. I have to eat it in small pieces rather than take a giant bite each and every second of the day. So, right now, I am going to turn 196, into 191. And so on.

I have had the literal feeling the past few weeks when I put something un-healthy in my body, that it is like poison. I can feel that is it not good for me. I am pretty sure it is the Holy Ghost (the best gift I have ever been given) whispering to me that I shouldn't eat it. (Whether that is a bite of mac and cheese, or a giant piece of chocolate cake.) I am going to listen better. (I have been trying, but sometimes I ignore it out of spite.) Heh. This is a lot harder than I realized it would be.

So, I am back. Recommitting. Let's try again shall we?

McBloggled's

So many posts swimming in my head. The last two weeks have been painfully rough as far as the big "D" (depression) is concerned. I wish it wasn't so consuming and I could get my grip easier. Some days, like the weekend, were so great, so light, I felt like I could do ANYTHING! Then it is amazing to me that the next day I don't even want to crawl out of bed. Just wishing I had been home this weekend to clean up the mess that piled up while my niece and nephews were here (an entirely different post in itself.)

Well, the past two weeks, although a roller coaster "D" wise, has been fun watching J-Man move from Kindergarten, into the next stage of his life. The big boy stage. We got to go to his school while they did a little program. (Not a 'graduation' oh thank GOODNESS!) It was super adorable. How I love him. (Please don't tell him I may or may not love him more when he is on his regime of going to school daily, and on a regular schedule, because the past two days have been terrible! I know he misses his friends and school.)

Afterward, we celebrated at McDonald's. I am 99% sure that my kids hate the food. They beg me to go regardless of this fact. They want the toys of course. I don't blame them, on either regard.

Can you believe I fixed Memms hair? Me either. It was the one and only day she let me. She hates 'ponies' and I will be the first to admit she doesn't look like Memms without her normal doo.

Does anyone else find it ironic that the happy meal is called a happy meal, but my kids look awfully upset?

• How is your summer going?
• What are you doing to keep your kids entertained and yourselves sane?