Next first steps.

(you like my new film camera? my new bff! contax 645 fuji 400h)

I know you think the title of this post is about her, but it isn't. It is about her mom. Her mom that isn't quite sure how to take the next few steps in her life knowing that she won't be a new mom again during this life. EVER. It is making her mom very sad, and her mom is having a hard time with that. Silly I know, but true nonetheless.

In case you were wondering, her mom is me. :)

Isn't she just the cutest thing? Oh my goodness how I have loved and enjoyed her.
(Please note the chalk all over her...and her adorable chalk art on our driveway.)

I think the big birthday celebration last week, with Millz turning one threw me for a little loop I wasn't expecting. I wasn't expecting to have such a joyous occasion bring a little bit of tears and depression to my heart. It did, but I am getting over that. It is just par for the course. Big days bring big realizations that she is our last little nut. She isn't quite taking her own first steps yet. Although she took 6 outside yesterday because she was desperate to play with the neighbor's dog.

So, anyway, back to me. I just don't know how to take the next first steps in my life. The steps out of family building and into family rearing. I know I have been doing that all along for the past six years. But this? This is a different feeling. Instead of planning on how to get the next child here, we are now planning on when the last child enters school, then what will I do? I am not wishing time away, but minds naturally go that route. Ahhhh.

I just want to freeze time. Freeze these moments with my three babies and keep them this size for twice as long. I wish the days were longer only to have more time to kiss their cheeks, rub their sweet feet, read to them. More time for that and less time for all of the other garbage would be blissful. Perhaps those need to be my next first steps. My first steps into being a better mother with nothing to worry about except them! I am going to work on that.

One.

beautiful image by jonathan canlas. (thank you.)

I can't believe you are one my sweet girl.
You complete us.
All of us.
You were worth every tear.

Thank you for your constant smile, and all of your sweet kisses.
Love you sweet baby.

me.

Polaroid 600 SE Fuji FP-3000B

I have had 'me' on my mind the past few days.

I tend to be really hard on myself at times. Does anyone else have that same problem?

I started blogging four years ago when my best friend moved to Indiana. That is when she started her blog. I loved keeping in touch with her, and reading her adventures in a far away land. I missed her. She is the reason I started blogging.

I began to love recording the everyday happenings in our life. Then a year after I started my blog, I kind of, well...deleted it. I am not sure why. I know it was a moment of temporary insanity, mostly I didn't feel like I could take the pressure. Pressure I was placing on myself. The blogging hiatus only lasted a few weeks, and I regretted the deletion
(I still have the old posts on my hard drive hoping to replace them someday.)

While blogging gave me a place to share my feelings with this vast openness, I began to realize that it was changing me. Some of the changes were really good, some of them gave me feelings of inadequacy.

I have learned much from writing my own blog. I have learned even more from reading other blogs. This post is about that. What I am, and what I am not.

• I am not the perfect mother.
• I will probably never throw a giant birthday party for my kids and that is okay.
• I don't own a purse. Okay, I do, but it came from the dollar section at Target and I don't use it anyway. Because I don't own a purse, I cannot glean from all of the posts about purses and their contents.
• My diaper bag is outdated, and certainly not cute, and I can't wait until I never have to carry it anywhere, as stated above I don't own a purse and a diaper bag is too much like a purse.
• I have breastfed and I have bottlefed and I prefer the latter. Even if I have to clean bottles. (See bullet #1)
• I would love to decorate my house with little pendants that say, "I love you!" or "Happy Easter" that I made myself, but it will never happen, and I have decided it isn't 'me'.
• I hate housework. I will never tell you how to scrub the soap scum from the shower door and enjoy it, because I don't.
  
• My goal in life is to earn enough money so I never have to even think about soap scum again.
• I read to my children every night. I sing to them every night. I pray with them every night. (Perhaps I am bullet #1 after all.)
• I have camera envy from about 90% of you out there. Your cameras kick my old digital, which is why it is gone. I may shoot film now, but it doesn't mean I don't dream of Nikon sponsoring me for the rest of my life. Hello, is this thing on? Nikon?? Cough D3...cough.
• I love my husband. A lot. It just isn't me though to be constantly lovey-dovey to him. He isn't prince charming, and I am not Snow White, and that is okay.
• I yell at my kids. (I guess I am not bullet #1.)
• I have a testimony. I have found a stronger 'me' throughout the last four years, and I didn't know she existed.
• I don't own anything in my closet that is name brand. In fact, the last thing I had that was name brand was when I was 21 and our house flooded with sewage. Seeing Ralph Lauren covered in poop looks about the same as Wal-mart covered in poop. This doesn't mean I don't covet your Jimmy Choo's or Prada. I am probably jealous of you, but would never let you know that.
• I am an amazingly beautiful person inside.
• I am kind.
• I am loving.
• I would do almost anything for anyone.
• I have learned to put myself before others. Sometimes that is the strongest thing you can learn to do.
• The word 'no' is the most important word in the English language. I am learning to use it better.
• Water is good, and so is steak. I also feel strongly about bacon. Sometimes I feel bad when I read about vegetarianism. Sometimes.
  
• Ice cream is disgusting unless I say otherwise.
• I love my kids and their stinky feet.
• I like my laundry to smell perfect.
• I love adoption.
• Sometimes reading blogs makes me cry, makes me happy, makes me mad, makes me envious, makes me think.

This list could go on and on, but I am suppose to be working, I just needed to see where 'I' am.
I am learning to love me, for who I am, and for who I have become.
I am proud of me.

Button Love

<a href="http://kimsueellen.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm38/leishakelsey/Simply%20Me/button-10.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a>

...I love you too.

And really that is all that matters.

My batteries need recharging.

I feel like the stars aligned tonight as I sit at my kitchen table working, in my bare feet. It is late, and the day has been filled with screaming kids, noisy toys, and shutter releases of happy faces, dirty faces, crying faces, and sleepy faces.

Let us specifically talk about the noisy toys and the shutter releases. When I was little we did not have many toys that required batteries. I am so old I guess that it wasn't until I was almost out of the house that we started having things like hand held video games like the ancient versions of Nintendo DS and whatnot. None of which I ever had.

My mind goes to my little sisters and their Leap Pads. I am 12 and 15 years older than my sisters, so after I was married I was virtually their daycare provider for years. They would come to my house in the mornings and lug with them their Leap Pads, DS's and other various battery-operated toys. You would think it was a wise way for them to pass the time right? Well, yes and no. 99% of the time these toys were non-functioning. The batteries were dead. The reason they brought them to their big sister? They knew I would change the batteries. Even though I didn't grow up with them, I knew that Mom and Dad never changed the batteries in their toys. I mean, c'mon I understand why...batteries can be spendy, and toys can be extremely annoying, but for a kid, a toy with dead batteries is simply worthless.

So, I would change the batteries. I vowed from that day forth to always change the batteries in my children's toys.

Then I became a photographer. If I have a wedding I can go through 15+ batteries in each of my flash units in ONE DAY. Batteries are expensive, and the best brand on the market I found to run my flash units and my pocket wizards is hands down Energizer. More specifically the Energizer Ultimate Lithium Batteries. Once I tried these babies I could never go back. I could now go through a wedding day and not have to change the batteries from my flash, and for a photographer, not having to miss a moment is priceless! So, I stocked up so that I would always have some on hand. Then, one day after my six month leave of absence after having Millz, I went to my battery stash, and it was GONE!

In six months Hubbs, J-Man, Memms, and Millz had used up all of my batteries. They were strewn all over the house. Inside of Spiderman's bumm, the baby monitor's side (because really, we can't miss that Spanish radio or the Baptist preacher that streams through it, forget about the baby screaming her guts out). Some were in the Leapster, and the various Fisher Price friends. I screamed and wanted to run all around the house, screwdriver in hand to rescue my precious batteries. Of course, in the end I sucked it up and went to the store before my wedding, all the time cursing myself for my 'always replace the batteries oath'.

So, you may ask, what do bare feet and batteries have to do with stars aligning? I came across this super cute blog...and kept nodding my head when I read this post. I need me some of these Energizer Recharge Smart Charger. I need a million of them. That way I will have enough to share.

I am headed to New York in two weeks to attend BlogHer '10. To meet other sweet, funny, kind, adorable ladies like myself, and mostly to get away from the screaming kids and noisy toys. All the while hoping to recharge ME. I want to be an Energizer Smart ChargHER!

The main reason I NEED to be the Energizer Smart ChargHER more than anything is not for the money to buy more batteries, but for the simple reason that I have no wardrobe for BlogHer '10. I have been stressing for weeks about what to wear, and the Energizer shirt sounds like the perfect option, I just hope to be chosen in time to create my matching earrings and necklace ensemble, made from recycled batteries of course.

a perfect brightness of hope.

...just as I am about to leave to photograph a beautiful family, a new mother who is a mother because of the selfless gift of another mother.

I have seen this video from www.lds.org all around the Internet this week, and last week. I haven't taken the time to watch because, for some reason I wasn't sure I could handle bawling, or to be reminded of what an incredibly large responsibility these children of mine are. I can tell you this, it is worth watching. Every second is worth watching.

My favorite line? His very last. 'look forward with a perfect brightness of hope.'
Commence tears.

Hope.

Not only to be the best you can, and that each day we don't have to be perfect, and continued hope to those of you out there who have seen this video with tears in your eyes because you hope to be a mother. Heavenly Father LOVES you. I don't care who you are. He knows you...and is eager to give you that which you seek, even if the road is hard, and rough, and with lots of detours...the end is beautiful, and worth the trip. I can tell you that, because I. KNOW.

Always Something to Talk About

Fuji 100C instant film. Shot on a Polaroid 600SE

I had the honor today, of guest blogging over at:
Always Something to Talk About

Today was a good, good day. A lot of proverbial 'chips' have fallen and are continuing to fall into place for me this week. Like, jaw-dropping, amazing things. Can't wait to share.

For now? I have been a long time away from my kids today, and my bed is calling.

Tell me about a time when the chips fell into place for you. I need some inspiration.

Millz and J-Man

Ilford 3200 black and white film, shot at f5.6 on a Yashica MAT 124G.

Personal work.

Recommitting.

Hi. So, here I am (again). I have been hiding. Can you tell? Hiding from my weight and the world in general. I knew I needed to surface, but wasn't quite sure if I was ready or not. I think I am ready to try again. I am just SO afraid of failing. Failing myself, failing YOU. I have been failing. Failing a lot. I know all the talk, "Do it for YOU, and no one else!" etc, etc. That is true, but that is HARD to do. So very, very hard.

So, this time, I am taking it in small baby steps. I have a new regimen, a different attitude. I am going to take it one day at a time. Do as much as I can that day, as long as it is something small. Even if that just means getting out of bed and walking up and down the stairs, or cleaning a toilet, or making dinner. It will be something. Some sort of movement. My goal now is to take it one tiny step at a time. My goal for now, lose 5lbs, then another, then another. I have to eat it in small pieces rather than take a giant bite each and every second of the day. So, right now, I am going to turn 196, into 191. And so on.

I have had the literal feeling the past few weeks when I put something un-healthy in my body, that it is like poison. I can feel that is it not good for me. I am pretty sure it is the Holy Ghost (the best gift I have ever been given) whispering to me that I shouldn't eat it. (Whether that is a bite of mac and cheese, or a giant piece of chocolate cake.) I am going to listen better. (I have been trying, but sometimes I ignore it out of spite.) Heh. This is a lot harder than I realized it would be.

So, I am back. Recommitting. Let's try again shall we?

McBloggled's

So many posts swimming in my head. The last two weeks have been painfully rough as far as the big "D" (depression) is concerned. I wish it wasn't so consuming and I could get my grip easier. Some days, like the weekend, were so great, so light, I felt like I could do ANYTHING! Then it is amazing to me that the next day I don't even want to crawl out of bed. Just wishing I had been home this weekend to clean up the mess that piled up while my niece and nephews were here (an entirely different post in itself.)

Well, the past two weeks, although a roller coaster "D" wise, has been fun watching J-Man move from Kindergarten, into the next stage of his life. The big boy stage. We got to go to his school while they did a little program. (Not a 'graduation' oh thank GOODNESS!) It was super adorable. How I love him. (Please don't tell him I may or may not love him more when he is on his regime of going to school daily, and on a regular schedule, because the past two days have been terrible! I know he misses his friends and school.)

Afterward, we celebrated at McDonald's. I am 99% sure that my kids hate the food. They beg me to go regardless of this fact. They want the toys of course. I don't blame them, on either regard.

Can you believe I fixed Memms hair? Me either. It was the one and only day she let me. She hates 'ponies' and I will be the first to admit she doesn't look like Memms without her normal doo.

Does anyone else find it ironic that the happy meal is called a happy meal, but my kids look awfully upset?

• How is your summer going?
• What are you doing to keep your kids entertained and yourselves sane?

Beautiful.

Beautiful film.
Beautiful light.
Beautiful girl.

Oh my goodness.
How I love her.
She keeps trying to grow up on me.
One day I am going to figure out how to make time stop.
Until then, I won't stop trying.

Like, when I feed her a bottle, and she rubs her little hands on my face.
Like, when I am secretly so glad that she only wants ME. (Certainly that will change in a few months.)
Like, when I am kind of glad she hasn't figured out how to walk yet. (And I might not be sad if she crawled forever.)
Like, her tiny tip toes standing up to reach something. (Wishing those feet could stay that size forever.)

These are the moments I want to freeze.

How are you trying to stop time? Because I need all the help I can get!

Year End

It has been such a busy month for us. When I was younger, school ended in the beginning of June, and then we had three months to just play and be lazy until school started up again. Our elementary school here, the one J-Man goes to is year-round. Oh how I love and hate it all at once. He was in school until last Friday, with one more day this week. It has made the month of June slide by so quickly, and it seems summer is almost halfway gone already.

In May, Memms had her preschool program. She was so adorable singing with her classmates. Her SUPERB teacher made these adorable books for each student. Full of photos throughout the year, and special questionnaires about 'your mom' and things of that nature. It made me bawl my eyes out.

The same day, J-Man has his karate testing. He got his orange belt and was BEAMING. He loves karate. He is really, really good. He can't wait to get his black belt one day...and I know he will. That boy puts his mind to something and he runs with it until it is his! (Hopefully this fall when he takes piano, he will have the same gumption.)

I love these two little people. They are the sweetest, most obedient little things ever. They make me smile, they hug me and kiss me a million times a day. If I am leaving, they are always screaming, "Miss you! Love you! Bye! Miss you! Love you! Bye!" Then running a million miles an hour, come and wrap their arms around me and kiss me until I am out the door. Being a mom is the hardest, but one of the most fulfilling callings I have ever had.

The best thing? They genuinely love one another. I mean, REALLY love each other. I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

I am very proud of them. So very proud of them.

Trapping mice.

Perfect Saturday morning.

Played board games with the kidlets. Had homemade ice cream. No TV.

Sitting at my computer with Millz in my lap as she babbles away telling me all about her day and how much she REALLY doesn't want to be put down. How, she would rather sit on my lap and keep grabbing at the mouse and shine it's red lasers into her eyes. At least, I am pretty sure that is what she is saying.

Off to go shoot a beautiful afternoon wedding.

Hope your day is as beautiful and perfect as mine has been.

xoxo

A typical morning at our house.

Pajamas on inside out.
Hair all askew.
Milk all over the table.
Cereal in bowls, slurp, slurp, slurp.

Oh, and then there are the kids....

:)

All the while, baby crawls around on the floor.

These are the mornings I crave never end. That they never grow out of wanting to sit together, and have breakfast, and talk. A nice slow pace. Thankful for this summer to soak it up before J-dawg goes to school full time, and our mornings turn into, well, something else.

Sister Study

Lots of people compare Memms and Millz. It is only natural, considering they are sisters.

It wasn't until recently, as I began pulling out clothes that Memms used to wear, and putting them on Millz when I decided to start taking a few photos if I got the chance to compare them side by side.

Memms is on the left of each of these, and Millz is on the right.







There are definitely some sisterly traits. That is for sure.
Memms, however, was much chubbier in the cheek area.
(She still is and is much kissable for it.)
Memms also had fuller lips than Millz.
Millz, I have decided is a perfect mix between her brother and her sister, but again,
a much thinner version of both of them when they were babies.

This got me thinking about my own sisters.
There is almost 12 years between me and my next closest sister.
They have a different biological father, so I never really compared myself physically with them.
Until I took their portraits at the end of last school year, and holy hannah.
Well, see for yourself.



Sisters are rad.
I wish mine were closer in age to me, and I wasn't more like a mom to them than a sister.
Glad that Memms and Millz will have a good opportunity to be friends.
To grow together.
I can't wait!

Krusty.

Shot on 35mm with Fuji 400H

Polaroid 600SE Fuji fp-3000b

This week is quite possibly one of the busiest of my entire life.
I have felt that way before, and I am certain I will feel that way again.
For some reason it just feels good to say it, to help me survive it.

I am working a lot, which is good, but makes my house a disaster.
When I don't see my husband, I struggle.
When I don't see my kids, I want to hug on them when I am home, therefore, messy house.
I honestly don't care about anything but them.
Just know if you come over, my house will be a mess.
Apparently, just how I like it.

I cooked a good lunch today.
I made Callie's salmon cakes.
My kids wouldn't try them. Which left the entire plate for me.
I put the rest in the fridge for Hubbs.
They are delicious.
I recommend you try them.

Memms has dance class tonight.
While she is at dance, I am going to go pick up the two tickets I won to Eclipse.
I won't be able to use them.
So, I was thinking about giving them away on my blog.
Utah peeps?

Some high school friends are meeting for ice cream tonight.
I want to go, but I don't want to eat ice cream.
Contemplating getting some cupcakes beforehand instead.
I think I might do that.

Right now?
I am tired.
I am thinking I better go pick up my J-Man from school.
And I will probably watch The Simpson's tonight.
Just because I love Krusty the Clown so.

Strugglefest, June 7, 2010

**Originally posted to my 'Shredding' blog**

My heart hurts. Usually I would just post this to my personal blog. I have a contest running right now and I really don't know how I feel about a bunch of 'strangers' reading a post like this for the first time. I wouldn't call them strangers, but this is heavy, and would rather not scare my new friends off. Perhaps I will post it there later this week, so please forgive me that this isn't completely weight-loss related.

Yesterday was a very deep, dark, depression filled day. So much so that I longed to go back to bed, to lay on the couch and fall asleep. Anything, to avoid doing anything. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't eat. I couldn't move. I felt stuck. When I did move, I started eating, and not necessarily good things.

I was sad about my weight. I was really angry with myself for sitting and going no where with my weight for the past two months. I feel this overwhelming burden to be better and do better, but I have no drive. When I have no drive, I get depressed, when I get depressed, I eat. It is a vicious, vicious cycle and I don't know what to do to change it.

When my husband finally got home (he left early in the morning) I just cried and said I needed to get out. So I left, and I ran. I ran on my 'grandma legs and feet'. I tried to just breathe and make it through the day. My run didn't fix my broken heart, or my dark day, but it reminded me that I can do this hard thing. I may not be in my 'place' yet. The place I need to be to lose any weight. (Because apparently I am still stuck in this place, just like I was two years ago when I wouldn't budge from 167. Man how I would pay money to be 167 again and never budge, instead of my 196 that I am stuck at now. tears.)

This post makes no sense. I just needed to get it out that I was in a dark place, and that I am trying to be an example to you guys, that I have not given up...that I am fighting this beast of weight, like I am fighting the other demons in my head. Hopefully I can start kicking all of their trash soon.

Loves all.

--Kim

The r house couture giveaway winner is:

Thank you random.org for choosing the winner of the r house couture giveaway.

" mrs. m said...

sarah mann: i am in love with this necklace!

iamwomann@gmail.com"

Saturday, June 05, 2010 10:52:00 AM

Thanks to everyone who entered!

It has been SO fun to get to know so many people through the r house couture shop and to make so many special pieces for so many people. Stay tuned in the near future for another giveaway on a totally radical blog.

Loves.

Giveaway: Be Still Necklace from The R House Couture

(this was suppose to post Friday, but blogger is being a 'doob' so I guess I start early? check out my other ladies tomorrow to enter.)

In honor of the r house couture's first real publication in the spring 2010 edition of:
Latter-day Woman Magazine
(see page 8)

Leisha, Lindsey, and I have decided to reward all of our wonderful customers and friends with the chance to win the necklace in the feature.
We are each giving away one of these beautiful pairs.

Sterling Silver "Be Still" Necklace with Butterscotch Amber
and matching earrings.

It has been a remarkable past 10 months since opening The R House Couture with two of my best friends. We have had the opportunity to meet so many wonderful people.

If you would like to enter this giveaway, here are some ways to do it :

• Just leave a comment here on my blog and include your email address so I can contact you in the event of your winning.
• Enter Lindsey's giveaway on her blog.
• Like The R House Couture Page on Facebook and enter Leisha's giveaway there.
  

Extra entries available:

...leave an additional comment with your email address for each extra entry.

• follow my blog
  
• subscribe to simply me
  
• follow me on twitter (http://twitter.com/kimsueellen)
• tweet about this contest, using @kimsueellen in your tweet! (this can be done once per day.)
• blog about this giveaway, linking back to this post (leave a link to your post in your comment)
  
• email your family and friends about this giveaway (send the email to me too)

for example, if you are already a follower of my blog you would write in your comment:
"already a follower. here's my email: blahblahbla@whatever.com."

then if you tweet about this contest you would make an additional comment:
"tweeted about it today. here's what i wrote: check out this giveaway at simplyme: {link to this post}.
here's my email: blahblahbla@whatever.com."

Entries will be accepted until Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 11:59 PM MST.
The winner will be announced on Wednesday, June 9, 2010.

(Please note: I am co-owner of The R House Couture)