Millz and J-Man

Ilford 3200 black and white film, shot at f5.6 on a Yashica MAT 124G.

Personal work.

Recommitting.

Hi. So, here I am (again). I have been hiding. Can you tell? Hiding from my weight and the world in general. I knew I needed to surface, but wasn't quite sure if I was ready or not. I think I am ready to try again. I am just SO afraid of failing. Failing myself, failing YOU. I have been failing. Failing a lot. I know all the talk, "Do it for YOU, and no one else!" etc, etc. That is true, but that is HARD to do. So very, very hard.

So, this time, I am taking it in small baby steps. I have a new regimen, a different attitude. I am going to take it one day at a time. Do as much as I can that day, as long as it is something small. Even if that just means getting out of bed and walking up and down the stairs, or cleaning a toilet, or making dinner. It will be something. Some sort of movement. My goal now is to take it one tiny step at a time. My goal for now, lose 5lbs, then another, then another. I have to eat it in small pieces rather than take a giant bite each and every second of the day. So, right now, I am going to turn 196, into 191. And so on.

I have had the literal feeling the past few weeks when I put something un-healthy in my body, that it is like poison. I can feel that is it not good for me. I am pretty sure it is the Holy Ghost (the best gift I have ever been given) whispering to me that I shouldn't eat it. (Whether that is a bite of mac and cheese, or a giant piece of chocolate cake.) I am going to listen better. (I have been trying, but sometimes I ignore it out of spite.) Heh. This is a lot harder than I realized it would be.

So, I am back. Recommitting. Let's try again shall we?

McBloggled's

So many posts swimming in my head. The last two weeks have been painfully rough as far as the big "D" (depression) is concerned. I wish it wasn't so consuming and I could get my grip easier. Some days, like the weekend, were so great, so light, I felt like I could do ANYTHING! Then it is amazing to me that the next day I don't even want to crawl out of bed. Just wishing I had been home this weekend to clean up the mess that piled up while my niece and nephews were here (an entirely different post in itself.)

Well, the past two weeks, although a roller coaster "D" wise, has been fun watching J-Man move from Kindergarten, into the next stage of his life. The big boy stage. We got to go to his school while they did a little program. (Not a 'graduation' oh thank GOODNESS!) It was super adorable. How I love him. (Please don't tell him I may or may not love him more when he is on his regime of going to school daily, and on a regular schedule, because the past two days have been terrible! I know he misses his friends and school.)

Afterward, we celebrated at McDonald's. I am 99% sure that my kids hate the food. They beg me to go regardless of this fact. They want the toys of course. I don't blame them, on either regard.

Can you believe I fixed Memms hair? Me either. It was the one and only day she let me. She hates 'ponies' and I will be the first to admit she doesn't look like Memms without her normal doo.

Does anyone else find it ironic that the happy meal is called a happy meal, but my kids look awfully upset?

• How is your summer going?
• What are you doing to keep your kids entertained and yourselves sane?

Beautiful.

Beautiful film.
Beautiful light.
Beautiful girl.

Oh my goodness.
How I love her.
She keeps trying to grow up on me.
One day I am going to figure out how to make time stop.
Until then, I won't stop trying.

Like, when I feed her a bottle, and she rubs her little hands on my face.
Like, when I am secretly so glad that she only wants ME. (Certainly that will change in a few months.)
Like, when I am kind of glad she hasn't figured out how to walk yet. (And I might not be sad if she crawled forever.)
Like, her tiny tip toes standing up to reach something. (Wishing those feet could stay that size forever.)

These are the moments I want to freeze.

How are you trying to stop time? Because I need all the help I can get!

Year End

It has been such a busy month for us. When I was younger, school ended in the beginning of June, and then we had three months to just play and be lazy until school started up again. Our elementary school here, the one J-Man goes to is year-round. Oh how I love and hate it all at once. He was in school until last Friday, with one more day this week. It has made the month of June slide by so quickly, and it seems summer is almost halfway gone already.

In May, Memms had her preschool program. She was so adorable singing with her classmates. Her SUPERB teacher made these adorable books for each student. Full of photos throughout the year, and special questionnaires about 'your mom' and things of that nature. It made me bawl my eyes out.

The same day, J-Man has his karate testing. He got his orange belt and was BEAMING. He loves karate. He is really, really good. He can't wait to get his black belt one day...and I know he will. That boy puts his mind to something and he runs with it until it is his! (Hopefully this fall when he takes piano, he will have the same gumption.)

I love these two little people. They are the sweetest, most obedient little things ever. They make me smile, they hug me and kiss me a million times a day. If I am leaving, they are always screaming, "Miss you! Love you! Bye! Miss you! Love you! Bye!" Then running a million miles an hour, come and wrap their arms around me and kiss me until I am out the door. Being a mom is the hardest, but one of the most fulfilling callings I have ever had.

The best thing? They genuinely love one another. I mean, REALLY love each other. I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

I am very proud of them. So very proud of them.

Trapping mice.

Perfect Saturday morning.

Played board games with the kidlets. Had homemade ice cream. No TV.

Sitting at my computer with Millz in my lap as she babbles away telling me all about her day and how much she REALLY doesn't want to be put down. How, she would rather sit on my lap and keep grabbing at the mouse and shine it's red lasers into her eyes. At least, I am pretty sure that is what she is saying.

Off to go shoot a beautiful afternoon wedding.

Hope your day is as beautiful and perfect as mine has been.

xoxo

A typical morning at our house.

Pajamas on inside out.
Hair all askew.
Milk all over the table.
Cereal in bowls, slurp, slurp, slurp.

Oh, and then there are the kids....

:)

All the while, baby crawls around on the floor.

These are the mornings I crave never end. That they never grow out of wanting to sit together, and have breakfast, and talk. A nice slow pace. Thankful for this summer to soak it up before J-dawg goes to school full time, and our mornings turn into, well, something else.

Sister Study

Lots of people compare Memms and Millz. It is only natural, considering they are sisters.

It wasn't until recently, as I began pulling out clothes that Memms used to wear, and putting them on Millz when I decided to start taking a few photos if I got the chance to compare them side by side.

Memms is on the left of each of these, and Millz is on the right.







There are definitely some sisterly traits. That is for sure.
Memms, however, was much chubbier in the cheek area.
(She still is and is much kissable for it.)
Memms also had fuller lips than Millz.
Millz, I have decided is a perfect mix between her brother and her sister, but again,
a much thinner version of both of them when they were babies.

This got me thinking about my own sisters.
There is almost 12 years between me and my next closest sister.
They have a different biological father, so I never really compared myself physically with them.
Until I took their portraits at the end of last school year, and holy hannah.
Well, see for yourself.



Sisters are rad.
I wish mine were closer in age to me, and I wasn't more like a mom to them than a sister.
Glad that Memms and Millz will have a good opportunity to be friends.
To grow together.
I can't wait!

Krusty.

Shot on 35mm with Fuji 400H

Polaroid 600SE Fuji fp-3000b

This week is quite possibly one of the busiest of my entire life.
I have felt that way before, and I am certain I will feel that way again.
For some reason it just feels good to say it, to help me survive it.

I am working a lot, which is good, but makes my house a disaster.
When I don't see my husband, I struggle.
When I don't see my kids, I want to hug on them when I am home, therefore, messy house.
I honestly don't care about anything but them.
Just know if you come over, my house will be a mess.
Apparently, just how I like it.

I cooked a good lunch today.
I made Callie's salmon cakes.
My kids wouldn't try them. Which left the entire plate for me.
I put the rest in the fridge for Hubbs.
They are delicious.
I recommend you try them.

Memms has dance class tonight.
While she is at dance, I am going to go pick up the two tickets I won to Eclipse.
I won't be able to use them.
So, I was thinking about giving them away on my blog.
Utah peeps?

Some high school friends are meeting for ice cream tonight.
I want to go, but I don't want to eat ice cream.
Contemplating getting some cupcakes beforehand instead.
I think I might do that.

Right now?
I am tired.
I am thinking I better go pick up my J-Man from school.
And I will probably watch The Simpson's tonight.
Just because I love Krusty the Clown so.

Strugglefest, June 7, 2010

**Originally posted to my 'Shredding' blog**

My heart hurts. Usually I would just post this to my personal blog. I have a contest running right now and I really don't know how I feel about a bunch of 'strangers' reading a post like this for the first time. I wouldn't call them strangers, but this is heavy, and would rather not scare my new friends off. Perhaps I will post it there later this week, so please forgive me that this isn't completely weight-loss related.

Yesterday was a very deep, dark, depression filled day. So much so that I longed to go back to bed, to lay on the couch and fall asleep. Anything, to avoid doing anything. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't eat. I couldn't move. I felt stuck. When I did move, I started eating, and not necessarily good things.

I was sad about my weight. I was really angry with myself for sitting and going no where with my weight for the past two months. I feel this overwhelming burden to be better and do better, but I have no drive. When I have no drive, I get depressed, when I get depressed, I eat. It is a vicious, vicious cycle and I don't know what to do to change it.

When my husband finally got home (he left early in the morning) I just cried and said I needed to get out. So I left, and I ran. I ran on my 'grandma legs and feet'. I tried to just breathe and make it through the day. My run didn't fix my broken heart, or my dark day, but it reminded me that I can do this hard thing. I may not be in my 'place' yet. The place I need to be to lose any weight. (Because apparently I am still stuck in this place, just like I was two years ago when I wouldn't budge from 167. Man how I would pay money to be 167 again and never budge, instead of my 196 that I am stuck at now. tears.)

This post makes no sense. I just needed to get it out that I was in a dark place, and that I am trying to be an example to you guys, that I have not given up...that I am fighting this beast of weight, like I am fighting the other demons in my head. Hopefully I can start kicking all of their trash soon.

Loves all.

--Kim

The r house couture giveaway winner is:

Thank you random.org for choosing the winner of the r house couture giveaway.

" mrs. m said...

sarah mann: i am in love with this necklace!

iamwomann@gmail.com"

Saturday, June 05, 2010 10:52:00 AM

Thanks to everyone who entered!

It has been SO fun to get to know so many people through the r house couture shop and to make so many special pieces for so many people. Stay tuned in the near future for another giveaway on a totally radical blog.

Loves.

Giveaway: Be Still Necklace from The R House Couture

(this was suppose to post Friday, but blogger is being a 'doob' so I guess I start early? check out my other ladies tomorrow to enter.)

In honor of the r house couture's first real publication in the spring 2010 edition of:
Latter-day Woman Magazine
(see page 8)

Leisha, Lindsey, and I have decided to reward all of our wonderful customers and friends with the chance to win the necklace in the feature.
We are each giving away one of these beautiful pairs.

Sterling Silver "Be Still" Necklace with Butterscotch Amber
and matching earrings.

It has been a remarkable past 10 months since opening The R House Couture with two of my best friends. We have had the opportunity to meet so many wonderful people.

If you would like to enter this giveaway, here are some ways to do it :

• Just leave a comment here on my blog and include your email address so I can contact you in the event of your winning.
• Enter Lindsey's giveaway on her blog.
• Like The R House Couture Page on Facebook and enter Leisha's giveaway there.
  

Extra entries available:

...leave an additional comment with your email address for each extra entry.

• follow my blog
  
• subscribe to simply me
  
• follow me on twitter (http://twitter.com/kimsueellen)
• tweet about this contest, using @kimsueellen in your tweet! (this can be done once per day.)
• blog about this giveaway, linking back to this post (leave a link to your post in your comment)
  
• email your family and friends about this giveaway (send the email to me too)

for example, if you are already a follower of my blog you would write in your comment:
"already a follower. here's my email: blahblahbla@whatever.com."

then if you tweet about this contest you would make an additional comment:
"tweeted about it today. here's what i wrote: check out this giveaway at simplyme: {link to this post}.
here's my email: blahblahbla@whatever.com."

Entries will be accepted until Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 11:59 PM MST.
The winner will be announced on Wednesday, June 9, 2010.

(Please note: I am co-owner of The R House Couture)

Carry On

Isn't this Keep Calm and Carry On necklace beautiful?
It is one of my favorites from The R House Couture, our etsy shop.

I have been 'spring cleaning' today.
As I mentioned a week or so ago, we are moving. Luckily and thankfully our house is now under contract.
YAY!

But, with it comes the preparation for moving.
That, I could do without.
I am taking one closet, one drawer a week, and going through it deeply and thoroughly to de-junk (I am not a junk keeper anyway, so I mean BUSINESS)
and to grab things for a yard sale/thrift stores.

I also spent the good portion of Sunday sewing a quilt for Millz.
It was a gift when she was born, and yes, I just finally got around to sewing it.

During all of these adventures this weekend, I came across my blessing dress.
I pulled it out, and took pictures of Millz wearing it.
(yes it fit her, but barely.)

With the dress was a bonnet and a blanket, crocheted by my great-grandmother.
I wish I remembered the story, I do not, but I do know that my mother had no girls at the time it was given, but was given in a 'hope' that she would have a girl one day to put the bonnet on, because my grandma knew she was dying, and wouldn't be able to make one for her future
granddaughter.

Me.

I felt so special this morning.
So thankful that life moves forward.
Thankful that we 'Carry On' no matter what.

As I caressed the stitches I could feel her love for me, like a hug.
Thankful for eternal families, and the glorious reunion I will get to have with this woman I never got to meet, but also with my grandpa, with all those who have gone before, and with
my baby.
Oh I cannot wait to hold my baby.

God is real.
He is powerful.
If he can love me, I know he loves you.

Let's all carry on, and be a little better today.
I know I want to be.

envision:

My last post was also my 500th post.

(But if you count the two years I de-blogged, it is more like my 1000th post.
Just FYI.
Love you, thanks for coming back and loving me through all the shee.)
Please come back next week for a special celebratory giveaway!

FRIENDS!

The most amazing thing is happening this summer.
on
July 13, 2010!

My friends Natalie Norton and Jonathan Canlas are having a one day Workshop.
I am going to be there.
Are you?
PLEASE oh please come and hang with me, and meet these amazing photographer's and people!
I love the name:

envision
(ironically my 'Norton' anti virus just popped up on my screen, it is a sign you must come!)


e-mail Natalie or Jon for details:

natalienorton{at}gmail{dot} com
jonathan{dot}canlas{at}gmail{dot}com

and have a glorious day.

<3 me.

School Days: The Slob

My mind wandered a bit today as I thought about my oldest child's birthday in October.
He turns 7 this year.
His pants had a hole in the knee today.
I remember a lot of things about being 7.

I got my first 'real' bike on my birthday.
The Pink Schwinn.
The day after (I am not really sure if it was the day after for certain, but I remember it being almost the same day as my birthday) my parents told me that they were getting a divorce.
One more year and I would be baptized.
(Ironically, this is a photo of me in my baptism dress...purple. Pretty huh?)

I am not quite sure, but 7 is one of the birthdays that sticks out in my mind, where I grew from being a child, and carefree--to being not so much that way.

I want to make that different for my kids, but this post is not about that.
This post is about being 10.
Being 10 and getting called a 'slob'.
Being 10 and being called a 'slob' by your 4th grade teacher.

So, as I discussed earlier in this post, when I was 7, my parents split.
That left us with a single mother, who worked really hard for us.
We lived across the street from my Grandma and Grandpa.
There wasn't much money, and what little money we had was spent on necessities,
food, shelter, and clothing.
Many of my clothes came from Sears at the time.
My mother worked for a subsidiary of Sears, therefore she got a discount, and they had some sort of amazing children's clothing dealio (I think they still have it!).
Anyway,
In late spring that year, when the school year is getting close to being over,
(and school clothes are near being worn out...)
I went to Kmart with my grandma.
We were in the women's clothing section when I saw THE t-shirt.
It was pink.
It had a kitty on it.
I wanted it SO much!
It was a little big for me (of course) but they style back then was to wear the big tee and tie a knot in the bottom and wear leggings.
She bought it for me.
I was THRILLED.

I couldn't wait to wear it to school the next day.
I put it on, slipped on my black leggings (which had holes in the knees).
Tied the knot, and was off for the day.

I cannot remember how the conversation turned,
or what would possess my (male) teacher to say what he did to me that day.
(In an inner-city school none the less.)
But he did.
"You are such a slob."
Tears.
All because of my big pink kitty shirt and my holey black leggings.
I cried.
Hard.
I was embarrassed.
I know the other kids heard.
What an ass this guy was.
I knew it then, I know it now.

What I learned?
I will protect my kids to the moon and back.
Mean words hurt a lot from kids.
Those same mean words hurt a lot more coming from an adult.
If that man EVER crosses my path, I may punch him.
And that even through all of this, even though the memory still hurts, when I looked back at my 7 year old today, and he had a hole in the left knee of his pants, I let him go to school just like that, and I smiled.

"Housekeeping!"

(shot on Ilford Delta 3200...(that is film).)

Remember how I mentioned we were downsizing?

Well, we are selling our house.
Why?
I hate this question, I want to SCREAM:
'none of your business'
I answer the same questions a million times,
Usually,
"the economy sucks."
And whatnot.
Mostly?
My kids are growing, and the economy sucks and we are blessed to be able to go back to our other house to live, and there is a yard there, I will get them a playset, I don't want my husband to die, it is a CHOICE not a have to kind of a thing (well, for now),
etc...etc...

But this post isn't about that.
This post is about:

House Keeping.

When you sell a house you have to keep it really clean.

Firstly, so you can take photos to put said house online.
Secondly, so that when people come to see your house, they will not notice what slobs you are, but rather, what a beautiful house you have...and then they will dream about it until they buy it.
(btw my house is BEAUTIFUL)

So, this past week we have been cleaning like MAD.
Spring Cleaning on Steroids.
That kind of cleaning.

So, Hubbs and I have a conversation yesterday in the car.

Me: "So, sometimes our renters aren't so clean huh?"
Hubbs: "Nope."
Me: "Are we 'clean'?"
Hubbs: "Nope"

This is when I hit him in the arm and gave him a huge bruise.

Truthfully?
Our house isn't always the cleanest.
I couldn't get this out of my head as I scrubbed the bathrooms today.
I just can't stand having the way my house looks rule my life!
I have to now that our house is on the market,
but geez.
It just is not on my priority list...it isn't terrible, but it could be better.

Why is it so hard to do keep up?
Well, I will tell you.
I am doing it all by myself.
While I love my husband so very much, and he does help me on that rare, (rare) occasion,
and his only job is to dump the garbages
(that may or may not get done weekly),
(we will just forget that his job was also to vacuum once a week, at least,
but that didn't happen either, even after and I quote:
'if you write it down for me to do I will do it.')
Uhm, ya...sure.
I am on my own for the rest of it.

Dishes
Laundry
Sweep/Mop (no easy feat with our entire upstairs being hardwood)
Vacuuming
Bathrooms
Dust
Ironing
Yard work
Etc...etc

Well folks, guess what I just realized after
9.5 years of marriage?

I have been wracking my brain for years as to why my husband cannot for the
life of him consistently help around the house.
The answer came a few weeks ago.
Ready?
Get this:

He grew up in a house that always had a maid.
(Many South American families do.)

He didn't have to do any of these things, they were done for him already.

Oi.
9.5 years of disappointment all to have it explained to me in one shining moment.

Well Hubbs,
get ready, because in this market...we could be looking at
months
of
'Nazi Kim'
and it is not going to be pretty.

So, in my defense, I have to say, if I was a maid, and only a maid, then the house would be perfect. But since I am the mom, wife, chauffeur, CEO, CFO, part time working photographer, church worker extraordinaire,
etc...etc...
Try as I might, I am not perfect in all things, but I can be perfect in some things.
Housekeeping?
Not one of those things.
So in closing may I just say:

If I don't get the help I need, I may just hire MYSELF a maid.

(This post is written with love and jest. Hubbs has heard this a million times and knows I love him to the moon and into eternity...
I would however, possibly be persuaded to love him more if he folded some laundry now and again.)

Becoming.

august 2007

I just got done watching this amazing video.
It is not just for photographers.
I feel it could be directed to any of us.

Watch it.

I have been going through my personal photos this past week, as a part of my new goals for myself. So much happens in the quiet moments of the early morning.
Seeing my old self
is one of those things.

It is funny to look back and to think,
'I used to be such a better photographer than I am now.'

You are probably wondering what the?
Doesn't time make you a better photographer?
No.
You do.
You control how much effort you put into it, and I used to put SO much into it.

I want to become again.
I want to push...stretch, see again.

I can look back, and long to be that person again.
Excited, ready, enabled.
In all things.

Not just photography.
But in her family.
I have so many more valuable lessons to bring to the table.

I am going to bring those out through my lens.
Just watch.

Come along for the ride.

Life. is. good.

Shot on Polaroid 600se with Fuji FP-100c Instant Film

I heart my life.

Heart it.

Sometimes life is crazy.
Yesiree.
No doubts about it.
THAT I would never sugar coat.
I will tell you that after 7 p.m. every night I turn into a screaming banshee.
I cannot wait for bedtime.
Some days, it doesn't come soon enough.
I long for five minutes to myself.

Out of 24 hours in a day, that is it though.

The rest of the time, is bliss and every answer to my prayer.
These little people rawk my world.

They are so smart, kind, sweet, joyful, lively, caring,
intelligent, insightful, innocent, and
perfect.

They are my reason for living and breathing.
I would give up everything for them.
I would die for them.

Such is the power of love.

They were worth every second of wait.
Every minute of hope.
Every hour of tears.
All of the ache.
All. of. it.

I squished them extra long and hard today.
Tickled a little more.
Looked into their eyes a little longer.

Just because.
Just.
Because.

Life. is. good.

Healthy, wealthy, and wise.

I did not share my weigh in on Monday.
Nothing had changed.
I have not been doing so well.

I am about to change all of that.
Early to bed, early to rise...

...this is my goal.

Tomorrow I am starting a new routine.
I did okay for about two weeks before SO much was slung at me that I all but failed completely...
my new plan for ME?
making time for ME...

5 at 5

6 at 6

Waking up at

5 a.m.

6 a.m.

every day.
(Except Sunday and the day after 'etsy' night.)
Accomplishing these five goals every morning:

• 1- Put in a load of laundry...the bane, bane, bane of my existence.
• 
  
• 2- Workout for at least 45 minutes
• 
  
• 3- Shower before my kids even THINK about waking up. This includes putting on REAL clothes...because I think part of my problem is that I sometimes, okay a lot of times stay in my jammies/workout clothes ALL day.
• 
  
• 4- Choose and edit 5 images for my website until I have my galleries full. (Galleries are 20 images each.)
• 
  
• 5- 15 minutes of editing/organizing my personal photographs on my computer.
• 
  
• 6- Load the Dishwasher
  

I know that if I can start the day out right, everything in my life will go better.
See you at

5

6.

Have you done any good in the world today?

...if not, here is your chance!

Photos used by permission.
All photographed by our bestie Jon.

Isn't this photo of myself gorgeous? Amazing? Stunning? Breathtaking?
Can you believe that is ME?!
I am anything but narcissistic, but that could change now.
I need to have it printed in some huge form and hang it in my
bathroom to remind me every day how lucky I am.

When my friend Jon posted to his blog about helping his friend Sarah, I knew I had to jump on it in a big way.

You may have noticed this link in my sidebar:

<-----------------------

That will take you to the blog set up for Sarah and her family.

Upon learning about Sarah, could not help but stop and think about what Sarah
was going through, I tried to put myself in her shoes and tears formed in my eyes,
trickled over, and flooded.

I wanted to do SOMEthing so badly for her.

I was touched and thankful to get something so beautiful in return.
I just want to thank Jon for doing this for Sarah, and allowing us to serve her too.

I do not know her, but service is a powerful thing.
It heals.

Spring and Summer are wonderful times of year to get your family photos done.
Don't wait until fall or winter this year when your mind starts going to Christmas cards and such.

Send Jon and e-mail now and do something wonderful for Sarah and her family!

jonathan{at}jonathancanlasphotography{dot}com

While you are at it, take a moment to go oogle over our beautiful photographs on his blog.
My mom always told me to set a good example...so I am.



I cannot look at these photos without crying.
Honestly, tears form every time.

Priceless treasures, just like my family.
My ever wanted, hoped for, miracle family.

Oh how I love my handsome best friend.
Heavenly Father sure knew what he was doing when he led me to him.


xoxo