What color?

...lately?
Sometimes blue.

I hate to say that.
It has been SO nice being able to FEEL again, to be ME again,
but the lows are harder to deal with most definitely.

Still, I am working through those lows and I have the realization and understanding that the lows are a part of life, and I can choose how I feel about them.
Being able to choose for myself hasn't been a part of my life in a while.
This week has thrown me for loops.
I am having to constantly recheck myself and reevaluate things in order to get myself back where I need to be emotionally.
Boy, am I glad this week is over today. I am calling it officially over today, tomorrow will be BLISS.

We as a family are making some big changes in our lives.
Not easy changes, but changes for the better nonetheless.
Necessary changes.
It isn't the time to share all of these changes completely,
suffice it to say,
we are downsizing almost everything in our lives.
Spinning a 180.

While I know it is right,
it is hard,
and often brings me to tears.
(usually when I am alone and have too much time by myself to think.)

BUT
We are so happy.
I have never been happier in my entire life.
I can honestly say that.
And these changes?
Will only make us happier.

For that I am thankful...and for that I say, 'bring on the changes!'
Nothing matters than what is right in front of me.
My three minis.
My husband.
Me.

Our life.

Happy to be living it.

Today,
well today was just hard and I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Enjoy our colored eggs, what color is your favorite?















Apparently Millz's favorite color is blue.
(and SHE can have it.)

**Post edit: Yes I do realize these are Easter pictures. Tee hee. Also, they were all shot on 400h Fuji film. I heart film.**

If I can be a tenth of what she is...

...her incredible beauty, inside, and indeed out...inspire me.
Lift me.
Help me to reach and stretch to be better.

I hope she knows just how highly I think of her.
How much she has changed me.
Thank you Nie.
Thank you.

Grab a tissue.
You will most certainly need it.

Honesty.

Days like today I wish I hadn't been quite so honest.
(I am laughing as I write that.)

	First Week:	Last Week:	This Week:
Weight:	195	193.4	193.8
Neck:	14.5”	14”	14”
Bust:	40.5”	39.75”	39.75”
Bicep:	14”	13.75”	13.75”
Waist:	41.5”	36”	36”
Buttocks:	47”	46”	46”
Thigh:	27”	26.75”	26.75”
Calf:	15.25	15”	15”

I was REALLY hoping to come here with better numbers.
They just aren't there.
I have a million excuses. Stress, my period, not my normal routine, etc...etc.

Excuses are not going to help me fight this.

I feel renewed.
This week will not be much different than last week.
What will be different is that I am going to fight harder.

Sometimes honesty sucks.
Today is one of those sometimes.

:(

Please no pats on the back today.
What I need is a good can of whoop-A.

Checking In

My 'weighing in' day is Monday.

I have had a pretty busy week and wasn't able to check in on Monday.
I decided on Monday also that I would only take photos every other week.
Mostly because my husband is hard to find and I was too tired to change into my
'hideous outfit' on Monday.

Anyway, my stats:

	Last Week:	This Week:
Weight:	195	193.4
Neck:	14.5”	14”
Bust:	40.5”	39.75”
Bicep:	14”	13.75”
Waist:	41.5”	36”
Buttocks:	47”	46”
Thigh:	27”	26.75”
Calf:	15.25	15”

Before you all get too excited, I measured myself first thing in the morning
(which I will continue to do every Monday when I wake up.)
I think that is the main difference in the measurements.
I'll take it though.
Also I really feel like my back fat has diminished.
I relate most of these differential measurements on the fact I am de-toxing with water and healthier foods.
Anyway, these are all theories.

I lost 1.6 pounds. Exactly on target with myfitnesspal.

Do I wish it was more?
Of course.

Am I thankful this is the right and healthy way to do this?
YES!

xoxo

Hoping to Adopt Again--Jeremy & Leslie

Meet:

Leslie and Jeremy

Leslie and Jeremy are the proud parents of a sweet little three year old Emmy.
They long to welcome a sweet new addition to their family of three.
Emmy is excited to be a big sister and prays for her birth mother every night, as well as the birth parents of her little brother or sister she and her mom and dad are earnestly searching for.



They are a family who loves to have fun, and enjoy all the time they can being together.
Jeremy is crazy about Survivor, while Leslie can't get enough of American Idol.

I like Jeremy because he LOVES One Republic...and I love Leslie because she loves the smell of home-made cake. Have I ever mentioned that -I- LOVE homemade cake?


SO, go and take a look at their sweet profile and catch a glimpse of their blog.

Let's get this party started!

(The first of many installments of Clip Art Craziness by J-Dawg. My kid is a freaking genius. Just so we are all aware. His work is copyrighted, but please feel free to use any of his images for personal use.)

Friends!

I have started a private blog for all of you who would like to join me on this journey.
I know some of you are not quite ready, but I would like to invite you anyway.

Leave me a comment on this post with your e-mail address, and I will send you author permissions to write to the 'journey' blog:

Shredding with Simply Me

Blog will go private after Thursday, when I start e-mailing permissions to author.

I want this to be a community where we can feel comfortable to share photos, weight loss goals and struggles as well as support and cheering and 'hurrays'!

As soon as the blog goes private I will share a bit more
(on that blog)
what I would like everyone to share.

As for this blog?
You will all get to see photos of me every other week, as well as a weigh in/measurement check.

Thanks for being SO supportive guys.
It has helped me eat better, work hard, wake up earlier, and go to bed sooner.
Also, THANK YOU for the
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/
referral...holy smokes, all of my journey friends need to sign up there
NOW
(and add me as a friend)
it will change your life!
(Channel the likes of FREE Weight Watchers.)

I am on this road and I am going to burn. it. up!

xoxo

My Journey

Tonight. Shot on a Polaroid 600SE with Fuji FP-100c.

On a journey.

I was discussing with Loralee last night.
Sharing with her how I just told the world I went off of my depression medication after two years of being on it.
I haven't been up on blogs since Millz came home, so I was not aware that she too had gone off of hers. I was surprised to hear that so many people were not supportive of her doing so.

I support her.
I support anyone who is trying to do what is best for them and their family.
I have had a very SMALL handful of hurtful comments directed towards me
since I went off of my medication.
The very sad and hurtful thing is that only those closest to me knew I was weaning off of them, and knew the actual time that they were no longer a part of my routine.

Those comments hurt the most.
To those people, I lovingly and kindly say, you have never been in my shoes.
I am holding myself together quite well.
It is all for the better and I am better for it.
I am strong!

I have been off for 6 weeks.
I cannot tell you the difference I am feeling in my life. I
can cry again, I can feel emotions.

I will be honest, sometimes they are overwhelming, and I have to keep myself in check and talk myself down when emotions are high...but I am DOING it.
I am winning.
I feel like ME again.
I have missed me.

One of the big reasons I decided to wean off, was because my doctor and I decided it was time to try. Also, because I have been packing on weight like no other. A few weeks ago I weighed as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with Jothan (my heaviest weight.)
Today?
I weigh exactly five pounds less than that weight.

195.

You are all smart. You can do the math. 200 pounds.
All I want to do lately is hide.
I don't like going out, and we are having family photographs tomorrow, and I could just cry.

BUT, since going off of my medication, and feeling again, I have more control (believe it or not.) In the last 3 healthy weeks (cuz I was a sickie)
I have lost 7 lbs.

So, why am I telling you all of this?
To help someone else out there who is going through the same thing I am.
I am starting a weight loss journey, and as hard as it is to put it out to you that I got myself to this point, I want you to see that I can get to where I need to be to be healthy again.

I am EXCITED.
I have a plan.
I want you to join me on that plan if you are in the same place I am.
I want to be able to run without pain again.

Do you want to join me?
Publicly or privately I want you to make a plan and update weekly on your progress.

We can do this together.
I am even considering taking photos.
I may scare all of you away if I do that so I haven't decided for sure.
Would you like me to? Even if it is Biggest Loser honesty?

So, I am starting with my official weight being 193.
Let's get this party started.
I have a BIG reward for myself when I reach my goal weight of 140.
I will share that with you as we get closer to that weight.

Love you guys.
Thank you for loving me.
Watch me learn to love myself again.

***POST EDIT***

Before:

Weight: 195
Neck: 14.5
Bust: 40.5
Bicep: 14
Waist: 41.5
Buttocks: 47
Thigh: 27
Calf: 15.25

Just remember you were warned.
GAH.

**True Story**
As I changed into these workout clothes, J-dawg says to me:
"Mom, how come you are wearing those clothes?"
I proceed to tell him about how I want to lose weight and feel better about myself.
Emm says: "You are going to take pictures in that?"
Me: "Yes."
Emm: "That is going to be HIDEOUS!"

...and she is right.

I need motivation.

Here I am.





I freaking heart clothes.

Where is my 'heart'?

I think I lost it.

Somewhere between the painful year 2008 until now.

2 years is a really long time to not 'feel' anything.
I wish sometimes I could go back and not have to live through the pain. I wish I could have enjoyed a few things better, like my workshops, Hawaii, my family. March of 2008 was such a turning point for me. It is so emotional just talking about it. I met with a new friend today and all but bawled talking about how much has changed since then.

I wish I had known how to deal with my grief in a more positive way.
I got caught up in myself. SO selfish. I am not a selfish person. I hate selfish people. I have hated myself.
As much as my heart breaks for this family...she has helped me through SO much, more than I could ever tell her, and how thankful I am to know her IRL.
Thanks Nat.

The past four months have been a whirlwind.
I made the choice on December 30 that I would make the transition back to shooting film. I have made drastic changes in my life, saved a lot of money...and still in the process of doing so. By making these decisions I am finding my heart again.
My inner peace, my solace, myself.

I plan on sharing some stuff with you guys in the near future, stuff that I need to share and to account for so that I can continue to find my heart, my changed heart and try to mold it back into what it once was. Part of it has to deal with my weight. Another part my weaning off of my depression meds. 2 months strong and I am FEELING again. WOW. I will share the good and the bad with that.

I feel like I have been living under a sheet for two years. I am coming out of a fog, and I want to share my journey with you as I depart from the dense into the light.

Join me.

Until next time...

So...uhm...

...I just won a ticket to THIS.

I think I might faint.

NYC here I come!

M.I.A.

It seems like our little house has been hit hard with illness this winter.

This past week has been no exception, especially with this little one.
She has been SO sick.
After 48 hours and three VERY sleepless nights, I took her into the doctor.
Ear infection. He listened to her lungs, and we were given the strict warning to watch her over the next 24 hours to make certain her breathing did not worsen.
Did you know pneumonia was going around for these tinies?
Neither did I!

Luckily, after her second day of eating only 12 ounces (yes that is for the WHOLE day)
and not eating for 24 hours before that...
she is still holding her own.
Not better, but not worse, and after FIVE sleepless nights,
of holding and sleeping with her on the couch...tonight
she is SLEEPING.
SOUNDLY
Not a cough here or there.
I think we may be out of the woods.

Bliss.

Anyway, that is where I have been.
Hoping that as she gets feeling better I can get back to the blogging game.
I have so much to discuss...and guys, I am WORKING again, so that means I will get to visit your bloggy blogs when I work!

See you soon!

L-O-S-T

After I had Millz, I literally did not go grocery shopping for 5 months.
YES...5.
Between having Milk and other meals delivered through a local company, and food storage, we just kind of survived with the occasional jaunt to the grocery store down the street for fresh produce. I didn't do heavy grocery shopping FOREVER.

Well, when the time finally came that I had to go...to replenish all that we had eaten in the five months prior...I went to my local Wal-mart. I know, I know...but I really can save $50 a week at their store...just like their commercial says. At least truth in advertising says something?!

I began walking the isles and didn't recognize what I saw.
I was SO used to buying colorful blue store brand packaging...
I was SHOCKED to see this:

(Pardon the blurry-ness I was getting used to one of my new cameras)

Uhm...Seriously?

Does this not greatly resemble this:

(image found here)

I am not going to lie. I was a little creeped out.

I am a HUGE LOST fan.

But this? Wal-mart? Come. on.

Meet:
The Wal-mart Initiative.

However, their white boxes will forever make
THESE
more awesome.

Oh the hilarity, you must download your own for the
Series Finale.

Little Claire de Lune Winner!

...Mary!

Mary (MEM) said...

How beautiful- (lullabies on the harp AND helping orphans)!

And at the risk of sounding like a total brown-noser I have to agree with Natalie's comment, YOU'RE beautiful too, Kim!

Thursday, March 25, 2010 8:38:00 AM

(Apparently brown-nosing totally pays off...either that or she and random.org have an in...lucky number 7!)

Mary, e-mail me at kimsueellen [at] gmail [dot] com and I will have Emily send over your new CD!

Thank you to everyone who entered.

Let's do this more often shall we?
xoxo

We played with color.

(Shot on a Polaroid 600 SE with Fuji 100C)

My scanner blowz...or should I say Hubb's scanner blowz.

Oh well, today the sun was shining...and we all got our warm clothes on and went outside to play in the sun and with color.

DELISH.

Sometimes I get too excited on the rangefinder...I just want to click before I think to recompose just a bit...hence why her little hand is cut off.

I haven't had so much fun creating in a long time.
Just what I needed.

(pardon my literal dust...MY computer is COMPLETELY bunk which means no photoshop to clean up the scan all nice and pretty.)

Have a happy weekend all!
xoxo

I have no words.

Polaroid 600 SE

Giveaway: one Lone Harp, helping thousands...

...firstly, let me introduce you to Emily.


(the irony of this haircut, is that every young boy in my neighborhood has it...hmm.)

a.k.a 'Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily...'
(as I serenaded her all through high school Senior year (channel Cheers' "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly" by Woody))

I freaking love this lady with ALL of my heart.

She has been such a good friend to me all my adult life. Like this day:



She introduced me to this man's work.
Love her for it.
It is because of her I am friends will ALL of these people.

Let us discuss how big of a heart she has?

It is huge.
I look up to her in SO many ways.
She is gorgeous, INSANELY smart, talented and giving.

She has recorded this AMAZING CD called:



Little Claire de Lune
Lullabies on Harp

She compiled these songs that! she! played! on! the! harp!
(she has been playing for over 20 years!)

For what?
To make millions?

Well, yes.

For herself?

NO!

To help thousands of children in Bulgarian orphanages.
*tears*

Specifically for:

One Heart Bulgaria

The images will stun you, will break your heart, and I guarantee you will not be able to turn off the computer until you have purchased this CD.

I. Dare. You.

You know of my love for adoption.
I cannot look at that site without wanting to hop on a plane and bring
all of those littles home with me.

So heavy.

Will you help?

Get your CD here.
(there is an amazing sample song at the bottom)

or email Emily:
emilia.kelly@gmail.com

Leave me a comment, Emily is giving a CD away to one lucky reader.

mrs. r just schooled me on how to do a giveaway so here:
(thank you lindsey...borrowed text from her blog. xoxo)

If you would like to enter this giveaway, here is what to do:

• Just leave a comment and include your email address so I can contact you in the event of your winning.
  

Extra entries available:

...leave an additional comment with your email address for each extra entry.

• follow my blog
  
• subscribe to simply me
  
• follow me on twitter (http://twitter.com/kimsueellen)
• tweet about this contest, using @kimsueellen in your tweet! (this can be done once per day.)
• blog about this giveaway, linking back to this post (leave a link to your post in your comment)
  
• email your family and friends about this giveaway (send the email to me too)

for example, if you are already a follower of my blog you would write in your comment:
"already a follower. here's my email: blahblahbla@whatever.com."

then if you tweet about this contest you would make an additional comment:
"tweeted about it today. here's what i wrote: check out this giveaway at simplyme: {link to this post}. h
ere's my email: blahblahbla@whatever.com."

Entries will be accepted until Tuesday, March, 302010 at 11:59 PM MST.
The winner will be announced on Wednesday, April 1, 2010.
No joke.

The Fates.

Last weekend after running my long run, and being completely unable to walk afterwards, my husband laid it out on the line, "Kimmie, maybe you shouldn't run your half." I got all sorts of huffy on him...but did what I normally do, take his advice, stew about it, then took it to prayer.

I am a very religious person.
I know there is a God, and that he loves us and is here to help us.
After praying, I got my distinct answer...that I shouldn't run this half marathon on Saturday.

But, like most children, I took my Father's advice and I didn't listen...I took it upon myself that I would in fact run because I had been training for this for WEEKS.
All of the hours pounding the pavement to what?
Give up now?!
P'tcha...that was not me. I am no quitter. Hurting feet or no, I was going to cross that finish line.

Fast forward to yesterday morning at 4 a.m.
I awaken to the. most. painful. throat. E V E R.

Within two hours said painful throat had turned into
fever, chills, cough, congestion up the ying yang.

I spent 5 hours on the couch in fitful slumber while my
six year old played dad and delightfully helped me in any way possible.

Last night was no different.
In fact, if possible, I thinkI may have passed out a few times
IN. MY. SLEEP.

So, the Fates conspired.
And they won.
Oh how sad I am to admit that they won.
No race tomorrow.

I am a believer.

I will listen.

I will go back to bed now.

"Weight a second, I can do this!"

This is a post about confessions.
It is not a post I want to be writing, but have had it going through my mind for the past few weeks, and it is one that I must write.

Remember how I have been training for the half marathon?

I haven't been blogging about it much, because, well I am a schlub.
While I have been training and running in the bitter cold, and battling illness,
and a few weeks being unable to train because of it, I have pushed through it.
The problem I am having right now though?
Tendonitis.
Like Tendonitis on steroids.

It is bad.

I described it earlier like walking on razor blades.

When I run for more than three miles I literally cannot walk for DAYS.
I feel like I am 90 years old and I can honestly not walk faster than
the older ladies at the gym on these days.
My workouts have been really rough on me, I walk a lot when I should be running.

Because of these things, and my husband noticing we discussed the
possibility of me not running the half.

When I put it out to the world, I got a handful of e-mails telling me I must do it!
That I am inspiring (thank you) and that regardless of my decision,
I would be supported either way.

Well, I have decided that I will do it.
I cry when I think about all the miles I have put in already, I just can't NOT do it.
I just won't run or train the three days this week...and hope and pray for the best on Saturday. Oh please...pray for my feet.

Part of me knows the reasons why I have had SUCH a hard time.
Here is a picture of me shortly before the last time I ran a half:



Yes, that is my bestie Casey...if you haven't met her yet you MUST at the CBC in May.

I am too prideful to show you a picture of what I look like now.

I love this picture.
That girl on the left was in a MUCH better place.
Well, sort of.
Mentally she was dealing with a lot of shee, but physically she was
30lbs
lighter than I am right now.
did I just admit that out loud?

I know that is why I am struggling.
My body hates me.
I am really struggling to shed any weight since having Millz, and that is not helping me mentally with this race...let alone physically.

If any of you are runners, then you know that the mental part of running is JUST as,
if not more important than the physical aspect.

The past two years were really hard. Things are SO good now.
I hope that sharing this small part of me will give me the courage to continue on my road to losing this extra weight I have hanging on me, so the next time I run a half...
I will be much better prepared for it.

Love you guys, thank you for continually inspiring me!
I CAN do hard things, and I will!
(totally going to buy myself that necklace when I cross the finish line.)

After the race, let's talk about what will happen when I shed 40 of those
30 extra pounds shall we?

See you at the finish line.

Are carrots better for your eyes...

...if you put them IN your eyes?

Apparently Millz thinks so.

Casual Blogger Conference...are you going to go with me?

Friends!
I just signed up to attend the CBC with mrs. r in May.

I am STOKED for this conference.
I want you to come with me!
It is going to be LEGIT.

Some RAD local bloggers will be speaking, people like CJane and Loralee...and Vanessa, and Kristina,
and, AND, A N D
My! BFF! CASEY!
as well as loads of other really rad bloggers.

Two of whom I have met IRL already...one I can't wait to meet.
We all need a party...so come and hang out with me. I need a jolt awake back into my blogging groove...don't you?
Also, who doesn't like swag and to party it up away from the kids from time to time?

<--------sign up to come with me over there! Let's meet IRL if we haven't yet. xoxo

Home Made Bump-its

Have you seen that commercial for bumpits?

Well, my kids have. And apparently they have seen it a lot.
I caught them the other day making home-made bumpits.
(I am not sure if I am more disturbed that bumpits is one word
(think bum-pits)
or just disturbed period?)

See for yourself:







I about died when my friend Jon saw these and was all, "Is that a bumpit?!"
Hilarity.
According to J-Dawg this was the "Hollywood Tall Bumpit".
After eating lunch in Provo last week, and I saw all the hair...I am wondering if Utah County is the number one buyer in the country of bumpits.
(love you Utah County!)

Still rolling.

Tell me YOUR bumpit story.