Struggling.

Photograph by Leisha Kelsey

It is weird that this post has been floating around in my mind for weeks now.

Hard to admit that my mind weighs so heavily,
when it should be rejoicing and celebrating.

Like all the weeks and months up until now, I am still having a really hard time believing and accepting that this little tiny life is about to come to our family.

Last night I cried as I held the blanket I plan to bring her home from the hospital in.
I caressed it and cuddled it and cried.

I cried because there is this part of me that is STILL so scared and so shaken and so broken from last year.

This part, while after many, many, talkings to about the opposite still wonders and fears that,

"What if?!"

What if something goes wrong with the delivery?

Is she still moving?

Is she okay?

What if there is something seriously wrong with her that we didn't know about, what will I do?

Some of these are the things swimming around in my head.
It is really hard to admit.
Really hard to share, to get it out.
I have never prayed so hard in my life for peace and comfort and support.

Maybe it is all because it is down to the wire once again. Once again for seemingly the millionth time in two years here we are...waiting, waiting to see if this little spirit is coming to stay.

I hate the wire.

I want to fast forward to the end of next week when I will know for certain.

Certain sounds like a much funner place to be than here.

Buyer Beware

So, uhm, this post has NOTHING to do with buying, but has everything to do with the other people at the grocery store.

The mid-twenty something (or younger I would assume by their tactlessness) men who frequent the grocery stores, and or work there during the times this pregnant woman must drag her kids to the store.

This post is for you gentlemen.
I use the term LOOSELY...extremely loose.

About two months ago, Hubbs was at work and we desperately needed groceries. So, I did the unimaginable but the much needed grocery shopping trip with the two kids. Oi. We did fine until checkout when the grocery store I chose takes the kids behind the checker...you know cuz that is how it works and it is the only way to get the cart through the line. Well, Memms decides she is going to have a freak out (not uncommon...she is a drama queen at times.)

Well, the idiotic dood who is bagging my groceries just can't handle her. He can't keep his big mouth shut for some reason and begins cursing and using the "Lord's" name in vain in reference to my child. Now, I can handle most things, but this was OUT OF LINE. Wanting desperately myself to get the H out of the store, I quickly paid and went to my car, all that night wishing I had said something to him, or complained to his manager, it was just not OKAY...this is customer SERVICE people, not, "Make this customer never come back service."

So, I let that one slide...until yesterday.

We needed milk. It was only 95 degrees outside, but alas we needed milk, and again Hubbs was at work, so I had to drag two tired, hot kids to the store, and as I situate them into the "Car Kart" I realize that there is only ONE steering wheel. The other had been broken off. SO, we give Memms the first go because afterall "Ladies First".

Then we get to the milk and I ask her to switch so that J-Man can have a turn.
Well, she does but then proceeds to FREAK out right in the dairy isle of Smiths.

Like, grade-A freak out.
(grade-a...I am SO FUNNY.)

Well joy of joys, who do I see out of my peripherals but two young men, who in their stupidity didn't comtemplate that this pregnant woman with TWO...YES TWO children ALREADY...might not need their input begin to say,

"Shut! UP!" and "Geez that kid is SO loud, shut her up."

Me? "OH NO HE DIDN'T!"

He got the...and I am sorry for all of you who don't like profanity...but the "man" er uh boy got the,

"Shut the H up you F'in Bast_ _ _ _!"

As in I said the entire thing.

Now...I don't condone this behavior.
I am nine months pregnant and I can't handle one more thing right now.

So I warn you, you man who has never had children, who has no clue that even though your children are driving YOU crazy and everyone else around them, that BESIDES that,
you love them regardless...
and will protect them beyond anything...

TO YOU I SPEAK:

BEWARE...because next time I am nine months pregnant, with my two kids, at the store, in 100 degree weather, it will be more than a few profanities...
it will be your head covered in 1% milk and Swiss cheese...
and I may be arrested, but it will be SO worth it.

You've been warned.

"Where have you been?!"

I have been hearing this A LOT the past few days.

Working on THIS for one.

Just trying to tie up all the loose ends of the photography bidnez before baby comes.

Also, cleaning my house.

I'll be back, I promise!

You asked for it...

The ring?

From

Charlotte Russe

$4.00

Run, don't walk.

Look at all the other lovlies they have.

Mmmm.

What I allowed myself to do today:

...I bought these.



I never thought I would say that in three weeks I
REALLY
hope to be changing diapers.

Is this really happening this time? Someone pinch me.

Photo courtesy of Leisha Kelsey Photography...thank you Leisha!

Liquifaction

I am sitting here in my office editing a photo session of a friend of mine.

This friend has also been a photography student in the past.
(How we met...kind of.)

My mind is reflecting back to the last time I photographed this family, and the mom, she said,

"Go ahead and "liquify" the crap out of me!"

To which I respond,

"If I liquify you too much then it will make your husband look chubby."

To which she says,

"Everyone knows he is chubby, but they don't know that I am!"

Hilarious.

What does liquify mean?
Well, it is a tool in Photoshop that can make things look...well, smaller than they actually are.

Here is a little crash course in photography cheatery...This pic is from TWO years ago, it is awful...but it is of me...so we are safe (had to DIG to even FIND a picture of me that would work...I couldn't use a picture of just ANYONE).



Here is the SAME photo after a little liquification:



See the amazing difference?
It is like a boob lift and a tummy tuck and a years worth of working out
all in two minutes of Photoshop.

Now, I don't do this for just anyone, I don't even LIKE to do it...because to me, it isn't YOU if you are liquified...but it is a secret that some photographers use occasionally.

I dunno...just still laughing my brains out at this family session and as I do liquify my friend a bit...it IS making her husband a little chubbier...sorry friend's husband.

Tee hee...back to work now.
Have a good day.

"MOM!"

"Now I can't scratch my blanket!"

Cuz I clipped her little nails. I guess it is her comfort...to "scratch" her boo boo.

Also, sometime around Christmas, we were at church and Memms grabs a handful of bread during the Sacrament. I whisper in her little ear,

"Memms, we only take ONE piece of bread okay?"

She looks me dead in the eye:

"Don't whisper to me!"

Dood how I love her.

Family

All week long this one has been so eager for Friday to roll around. I promised him that I would take him to the park today. So, of course when we woke up this morning and it was raining, we had to come up with another plan.

I suggested to him maybe we could go for a ride in the car, maybe see the Copper Mine (it didn't look rainy in that direction.)

As we waited for Hubbs to wake up from his much needed rest, J-Man came up with the perfect plan.

"Hey Mom! I know what we can do today!"

Me: "Oh?"

J-Man: "Ya, let's go to the MOVIES!!!"

Brilliant.

So when Daddy woke up, we went, and we spent most of the afternoon there, and it was bliss.

I loved cuddling with my littles in front of the huge screen, eating popcorn and contraband sour watermelon candies with our Sprite and Hi-C Fruit Punch.

This last week, I am reminded once again how important my kids are to me. How important my Hubbs is to me, and that nothing else matters but them.

Grateful today for the rain.

Oh the mess of tears...

Just heard the news that a little friend I have never met
but through blogging passed away this morning.

So thankful for a wonderful Plan.

Love to Sadie and her family.

Please remember them in your hearts and prayers.

Thank you for helping me learn through your example:
to be a better Mother and for taking the extra time to hug my babies and let them know I love them!

Some funny shee...

...laughter is the best medicine, and heaven knows I need a good dose every day.

Almost two weeks ago, I had THE most smashing time at a blogger lunch hosted by
THIS
woman.

If you aren't reading her/following her, let's do lunch and discuss why you aren't. Because seriously?
I pee myself every time I visit her blog.

Let's not even discuss the ugliness that was me this day. Yard. Sale. Need I say more?

Kristina is the bomb, plain and simple.
She has changed my life.
Sounds silly, but truly, her funny ways and stark truths have me in stitches.
Good medicine.

Anywho, got to have lunch with one of my oldies from Jr. High.
Evonne is a sweetheart, we reconnected last year through blogging and it has been SO fun to hang out with her at blogging events and the like...and lunch this time was no exception.

I introduced her to Kristina...and she is ever grateful.


If you aren't reading her blog, let me give you one reason to...remember this?

It was so great to meet so many new and amazing people and to see some of my new blogging friends again.

And the food?

Delish, it fed me for three days.

Go forth...read.

"Corcunda"

Finally digging myself out of the messy house that accumulated while I was sick. Feels SO good to be back to my old self...and not that I ENJOY cleaning, but to be able to clean my house today was a big blessing.

I love being a good wife, and a good mother.

I love feeling like I have accomplished something, even if it is something small.

I love putting away the folded laundry. (And sniffing it of course.)

I love the smell of my kitchen after I have wiped everything down with Clorox.

I love walking on the floor and not feeling crumbs.

I love walking on the freshly vacuumed carpet,
and feeling my feet actually SINK into it. Ahhh.

Bliss.

It is the little things.

At the beginning of June I put my kids into swimming lessons.
Something I was not able to have myself until I was 11.
ELEVEN!
I am STILL afraid of water and I am NOT a strong swimmer at all.



When the opportunity arose to have my kidlets in swimming...I jumped at the chance.

I only wish I was rich enough to keep them in ALL summer.

They love it, they adore it...and J-Man is SWIMMING...
...he is SWIMMING...Memms is not far behind.

I am amazed at the growth they have made in just three weeks.
This is our last week...and it is bitter sweet.
I am taking my camera on the last day to capture their sweet faces at the actual pool.



For now, feast on these babies...and laugh
as we do each day when we have to put on the swim caps.

When the children (mostly J-Dawg) turn into the
"Corcunda".



What is Corcunda you ask?

Well, The Hunchback of Nortre Dame of course...





Poor Jay...I laugh hysterically every morning when I put his little cap on...



One of him keeping his eyes un-Corcunda-ish.

Oh how I will miss laughing at this every morning
...what a great start to our days this has been!

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On the Mend...

...firstly, this eye is all better.
Thankfully.

She banged it up pretty badly, it was bruised all underneath.
The culprit?
No...not me silly, her
"Olhe!...Po'tock...yeeeee'haaaaww!".

Good times right?

Also,
I
am on the mend.

Was on my death bed Saturday night and Sunday morning.
Feeling 85% today.

My sweet doctors, both over the phone and the one I saw at the InstaCare
(they wanted me to go to the ER...what was THAT about?)
both were 90% certain I had this crazy H1N1.

I am not as convinced since I am feeling almost tip top now.
But alas, they gave me the Tamiflu and now I am great.

My concern?
The

103.7 degree

fever I had on Saturday night, which prompted the InstaCare visit the next day.

No one wants a boiled Millz.
Especially
me.

So long story short,
Tamiflu,
Lortab,
and a blessing,
I am well.

My family?
Just as blessed.

Now for this, when I have the baby this will stop and I will cry for days I am sure. She recounts on her fingers who every member of our family is. In this top photo, that is ME...in the bottom photo...

...that is Millz.

Get it?

Have a fab week ya'll, wash your hands.

Guys (and ladies) HELP!

Allison. I stole it from her bloggy blog.

See down there on my links of freaking inspiring photographers?

See Allison C. Photography?

She is the bomb dot com.

I met her last year in March when I went to Hawaii baybee...to attend the
Jonathan Canlas Workshop.

Allison is super cute and WICKED
(I do mean WICKED)
talented.

She needs OUR help.

She is trying to win a scholarship to ITALY.

Go HERE NOW!

Vote for her video.
It is the first one in line, entitled

Me+Italy.

Pretty Please?

Oh how I love this boy...

Crossed

So, the other night Hubbs and I are conversing about some very close friends of ours who are
struggling with some heavy stuff.

I begin to say how awful I feel, I wish I could do more than I have, and how:

"My heart is just broken!"

Memms, (age 3 years five months) who is sitting next to us watching a show on my iPod (ear phones in ears) overhears our conversation and says:

"Mom, your heart is broken because you have no money,
so you can't buy expensive stuff.
But you still can laugh."

I just want you to all remember that no matter how much your heart is aching, or how much your heart is broken, we can, and should
still laugh.

Truer. Words.

Alma 32:23

Beautiful Thoughts

This has been a great topic of conversation lately between me and some of my closest friends.

This has been me.

I felt like she was talking about my heart. WOW.

I have felt this pain, and although our prayers were answered in a different way...families are amazing, and they are forever.

Of this I am certain.

Tears. Tears.

School Daze --"And I Was a B"

James* and me circa 2000
(Not the name he goes by, I love to protect the innocent. Heart you James.)

So, do ya'll recall that time I mentioned about the TI 89 in Mr. Reynolds class?

I am here to further detail the horror that was this particular mathematics class for me. New girl, new school, knows NO ONE...sits next to amazingly cute James.

James and I became SUPER great friends.
I think in some ways James and I were in similar boats, we kind of both left a lot of our friends behind to go to a new school. James started eating lunch with me and my friend Candie.
So we got to know each other really well.

The one thing James had going for him that I didn't...
was that his sister was SUPER beautiful and SUPER popular, and also a Student Body Officer...

...so I think that helped him transition better than I did.

Since high school is SO large and full of SO many people and different clubs and stuff, James and I mostly just talked during our Algebra class.

(I think it was Algebra...James is super smart and just graduated as a Pharmacist...see he was SUPER good at math.)

Anyway, this one particular chapter in the book was a struggle for seemingly EVERYONE in the class.

We had a test coming up and I studied for it and studied for it to no end,
as did James.

The day comes for the test and we all take it with palms sweating and our little index card full of notes.

A few days later Mr. Reynolds, lisp and all hands back the tests to each of us...and I look at my score (it was a GOOD score) and with a HUGE smile on my face turn to James to see how well he had done...

...the entire time knowing he would have it ACED and would have it down.

We concur.

Here is where it went wrong, and hell as we know it broke loose.

I did better than James did on the test.
WHAT?!!
For the first time in months...
...I DID BETTER THAN JAMES ON A TEST?! IN MATH?!

So instead of being the sweet person I normally was, I start RUBBING in the fact that I did better than James.

Even worse, it carries over into lunch time, and my pride gets the better of me, and in front of many people, I begin to declare my smartiness over James'.

It got so bad.
SO BAD.

James has had enough and he yells,

"YOU ARE SUCH A B****!"

...in front of EVERYONE.
(wouldn't you have done the same thing?)

I was crushed.
Yet, I deserved it more than ANYTHING.

James and I didn't talk for months.
I don't even think we talked until the next school year.

I finally fully understood the error of my ways, and apologized for being such a biznatch.

James apologized too, and our friendship was what it was before.

I love me my James.
We are still friends to this day, albeit through facebook mostly.

That is okay, I am thankful to know such a smart and talented young man...
...and through the horror of being called a 'B' in front of many of your friends,
I learned a valuable lesson:

Pride goeth before the biznatch.

Touched.

I had the most amazing morning.

The past few weeks have been really draining on me
mentally as far as work is concerned.

I have been going through that motion of,
"Am I good enough?"
"Why am I even doing this?!"

Just the normal things I struggle with and have always struggled with
(lack of self-confidence maybe? Probably.)
I dunno.

I have been praying about it.
Heavenly Father and I are pretty tight these days.
I really mean this, with no exaggeration.

Take last night for instance.
I am on a session in Ogden, UT...the dark, dark storm clouds
are coming about a million miles an hour.
I commence praying my guts out that the downpour doesn't
happen until the session is over.

I joke with the couple,
"Don't worry, God and I a pretty tight, and it is not going to rain until we are done with our session."
45 minutes later, as I am getting ready to pose the last shot, it begins to rain.
Finish the session, get to my car, and it begins to DOWN. POUR.

Really? REALLY!
So, jokingly during the session the wife says to me,
"Could you pray for my husband? He is looking for a new job."
We both giggle. I say,
"SURE! I will tonight."
She texts me early this morning to tell me her husband got the job he wanted TODAY!
Seriously? SERIOUSLY!

Funny. But true.
I am really being silly right now, but the thing that is not silly is that my faith is strong...
and I recognize the tender mercies Father has been blessing my little family with.

...and today was no different.

I log into Facebook, and a client from 9 months ago posts this to my wall:

"So we finally have the pictures you took up on the walls here. They look AMAZING. My husband said:
"The only problem is they look like they were the pictures that came in the frames."
Last night we had the relief society presidency over to visit and the one said:
"These are probably the most emotionally charged family pictures I have ever seen."
So Thank you!
EVERYONE Loves our pictures, even if they are 9 months old :)"

Tears. This special lady had NO idea that I was struggling with my feelings and abilities, and here she was an answer to my prayer.
I cried for awhile this morning, it was so nice to hear that I have affected people with my photography.
That is what I hope to do, to capture a fleeting moment,
and make it timeless and forever.

Just wanted to share today, how thankful I am.

...and oh if you need me to pray for you, just let me know in the comments.

Kidding...well, kind of, I am just worried the lightening is going to strike.

Why Blogging is the Bomb

You can keep in touch with those who are far away.

You get to meet cool new people who you would have never met otherwise.

There is no better way to laugh your ace off.

The support of people all around the world for someone both you and they have never met.

To be COMPLETELY inspired.

And finally, two fold...
to reconnect with a friend from JR. HIGH! AND to win a
$100 Visa Giftcard.

Have I mentioned how much I heart blogging?

What is YOUR favorite thing about Blogging?