Heartbroken.

My dear friends Heather and Mike lost their sweet baby girl today.

The tears are over-flowing and my heart is wrenching for them.

Please pray for them.

Please donate to The March of Dimes in Maddie's name.

I am in shock. I can't believe she is gone. Oh Mike and Heather, how I love you and am thinking of you and praying for you.

I know there is life eternal.
You will see precious Madds again.

I love you!

If you feel so inclined to send your love and or words of encouragement, or packages,
please do so:

Heather, Mike, & Maddie
11870 Santa Monica Blvd
#106-514
Los Angeles, CA 90025

Also, a PayPal account has been set up to help pay for immediate expenses:

formaddie@hotmomreviews.com

Today...

...I don't want to be the mom. I don't want to be the wife. I don't even want to be me.

(Everything is *basically* okay. Just wanted to make that clear.)

Really, all I want to do today is SCREAM and SHOUT and RUN AWAY.

Do you ever have days like this?

Gah, even as I sit here I am just ANGRY.

I HATE being angry. It is so ugly and so consuming. GAH!

I just want to be her. Carefree, without a worry, without a care.

Was my life ever like this?

Beauty

This is my good friend Nakia. I am using her picture because she is the ONLY one who won't kill me for using it.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to photograph all of the ladies in my ward's Relief Society during an activity.

I have to say this was one of my most challenging and rewarding feats of all time photographically speaking.

I say ONE because
I am constantly growing and changing and challenging myself
in this area.

As I edited these photos, I got really teary. There were super young girls, and older women, and each one was beautiful, and unique and gorgeous in their own way. It was truly eye-opening.

Oh how I would love to share them with the entire world. But I promised I wouldn't.

If you are really intrigued to see them all. The link is here.
E-mail me: kimsueellen [at] gmail [dot] com for the password.

All of these photos were taken after dark, in a small room, bouncing my flash off of a white divider. (The divider was the size of a 20x9 ft wall.)

Hubbs.

This is his version of "putting the groceries away".

Am I the only one with this problem?

A little something I like to call...

1:00 p.m. Church.

Nuff. Said.

Besties

This week has been a little karazay around here. These bebes have been AMAZING. I have worked, cleaned house, napped, and been wonder mom, and these guys?

They haven't complained.

Today I caught them like this:



At first, they didn't even know I was there.

There they were, just rocking together on the rocking chair, munching crackers and talking to each other.

It was pure BLISS to witness.

So I grabbed my camera.

Oh to have a bestie like these have.

Oh how I love.

Oh. How. I. Love.

Anger.

I am appalled. I can't even deal with it today. She should have stayed.

It was his time to go. How dare he talk to MY Filipe like that. OOo I am seriously ticked.

Blue Lemon = Deliciousness

Last week I had the AWESOME opportunity to go to dinner at the FABULOUS

Blue Lemon Bistro

nestled in the foothills of gorgeous Alpine, Utah.






Just the logo makes my mouth water.



I was SO lucky to have been invited to this grand opening of the Blue Lemon with one of my gorgeous BFF's...and also a TON of really neat blogging ladies. I canNOT wait to get them all on my sidebar for my reading pleasure. It was so much fun getting to know them over such delicious food.



Look at the details on these dishes. This was a salmon dish. It looked SO good.



This is what I ordered. I love me a good BLT and this one was a
Lemon-Lime Grilled Chicken BLT.
It did not disappoint.



Here is mrs. r sampling the delicious "acai" berry smoothie. (Like all good things, the acai berry is from Brasil just like Hubbs. Need I say more?) If you haven't sampled acai (pronounced a-sai) it tastes (to me) a lot like fig. It is really good for you. Try it sometime.



So as we wound up the evening we took a photo of the aftermath. I HAVE to tell you about the MOST delicious soup I have ever had. So delicious in fact that YESTERDAY I took J-dawg on a date to the Blue Lemon JUST so I could have another bowl...mmmmmmm

Tomato Bisque. Go, if not for anything else but this, it is D-vine.

J-Man ordered the spaghetti and gave it two thumbs up. He ate it all gone!

Loving the mac and cheese. I got some take-out for Memms and ate almost all of it myself. (Shh, don't tell she didn't notice.)



Here is a pic of me (and a 21 week old Millz) as we toured the lovely restaurant. I had no idea I would match the decor so beautifully.

And beautiful and modern it is! The table tops are a scruptious sparkly blue. They SPARKLE...could be the best thing ever. Intermixed are some gorgeous chocolate brown tables as well.



mrs. r in front of the dessert. The thing I love about Blue Lemon is that they support other local businesses and bakers in the area, from their bread to their yummy cupcakes.



I NEED one of these RIGHT NOW.



There is a lovely little coffee and smoothie shop open early for breakfast.



Oh, and HOW cool is THIS? They offer cooking classes! For adults AND kids. You better believe my kids will be enrolling this summer.



The ice...it is divinity...it is that "pebble-like" ice that they have at hospitals. Mmmm. And these Blue Sky drinks are au-naturale. Loved the Wild Raspberry.

Blue Lemon is extremely green. Their soda cups and take out are all COMPOSTABLE. YES you heard me...the plastic is made out of: Get this: CORN.

BOMB.

So, needless to say I am addicted. I can't wait for Lychelle (the beautiful owner who is not only a birth mother, BUT also a NEW adoptive mother...perfection right?) to open up one near our house. Hear that Chelle? I will even take one at The District if you are wondering.

I am stealing this creative goodness from Kami (also, guess what? She is an adoptive mom, so cool right?) over at no biggie. (Thank Kami!)

The Awesome (and gorg) Blogging Ladies:


Jyl of Mom It Forward
Rachael of Today's Mama
Emily of Georgia Tees
Kelsey of Vanilla Joy
Lindsey of Cafe Johnsonia
Kim of Simply Me
Courtney from Your Heart Out
Vanessa of I Never Grew Up
Carina of The Jet Set
Liz of Say Yes To Hoboken
Stephanie of stephmodo
Marie of Make and Takes
Kami of No Biggie

mrs. r of The R House

Allison of Petit Elefant

One Year, and Miracles

Bear with me, this will be a long post...

I am not sure why, but even as I sit here, vomitous chunks arise in my throat.



It has been one year since we lost our last baby. One year since my family almost lost me.

I am trembling just even thinking about it. I don't want to think about it.
I don't want to relive it.

For those of you new here, if you don't know the story, you can read all about it here.

How do you move on from something so terrible?

Well, somehow you do. You take it one day at a time, and as I look over to the right of my computer, you can also take it one hole in the wall at a time like I did. You can drop the f-bomb a million times a day, and cry your eyes out until they bleed because they are so tired from crying.

Then you get up, dust yourself off, and try again. Or in our case, try multiple times again and again and get burned...but that is another post for another day.

We miss Peanut. We miss the little spirit that might have been. We think about him/her often. How close we were to finding out what we were having. What joy we had in anticipation. What sadness we felt.

It is common consensus around here that Peanut was/is a boy. So from now on we refer to Peanut as such. This makes J-dawg thrilled because he knows someday he will have a little brother.

(He, on his own accord brings this up regularly. As he was old enough to know and understand when the loss occurred.)

We think of 2008 as a great growing and learning experience here at our house.

We are thankful to have had LJ in our home during this time, even though at the time I wasn't sure why he would come the day before such tragedy would strike our home and our heart. I am not sure why weeks later we would be chosen to be scammed by a "birth mother". Why two months later we would be chosen by another birth mother, only to feel so good and confirming about that situation, to have it fall apart just as quickly. All I know is that, all of these things have been for our good. They have strengthened us, made us quicker to love, less likely to judge, and more ready to help those who are struggling through similar circumstances.

My heart is full.

I can't believe I can sit here and write that after a year.

A heart that was so broken and empty and angry can write that it is now full. Do I have all of the answers to "Why?" no. Do I wish that we hadn't had to endure what we did? I can honestly say now, that no. I am glad we did, for it made us stronger.

Early last fall after I bawled for 45 minutes on the phone to one of my best friends as I travelled to vacation with my family, I realized I had reached my breaking point.

It was around this same time that Hubbs and I decided (maybe more "I" decided...not sure) that if nothing happened for our little family's growth by December of 2008
we were going to throw in the fertility towel, throw in the adoption towel, and
move on with our lives.
Those five months were torture to my soul. One of my good friends asked me, "If this is so hard for you, why are you giving yourself a deadline?" The only answer I could come up with is that I needed to move on from this era of my life, my children needed their mother back, not the crazy shell of a woman that had replaced her. For three years we had been trying to get another child into our home...enough was enough wasn't it? So while it killed me to do it, I knew it was the answer...and in some ways I looked forward to the new year, to our little family, just us, to a new beginning.

Well, let me stop here for a moment and introduce you to someone.





Meet Millz

She is a little shy, this being her first "public" blog post and all.

She has heard that whenever her mom posts exciting news to her blog something tragic happens. She has reassured me a thousand times that this time will be different. But even as I tell you this, I feel like running into the other room to throw up (and that has nothing to do with being pregnant). She even assures me that I will get to wrap her up in the new blankets she HAD to have from Target (she is starting already), and that she can't wait to share a room with her big sister. She is also looking forward to the "rubberband gun lesson" that J-Dawg promised to give her when she gets bigger. I am holding on to her faith because I think she is closer to the Big Guy right now than I could ever be. :)

Heavenly Father works in a mysterious way. I don't suggest you give him a deadline, because just as you start getting comfortable with the way your new life will be, he will throw you a curve ball. A miraculous, beautiful curve ball, good thing I am good at bat.

We found out in December (can you believe it?) that this sweet baby would be joining our family.

We told no one.

I don't think we even told ourselves. Hubbs and I just walked around the house like, "Word." and "Holla." And that was that.

Why?

Well, because for the first three months there was intermittent bleeding and spotting. If I had a session, it was the death of me, I would bleed for days. At first I didn't even believe I was pregnant because well, Aunt Flow came to visit a few days early. I even blogged about being THANKFUL that she had. So silly of me.

I spent the first four months on the couch. SICK...SICK...SICK...and worried that if I did "too much" I would lose this baby too. I was so so so afraid to hope.

When I saw the doctor at 8 weeks, I saw the heartbeat via ultrasound. Even that didn't suffice. We told our kiddos at week 17. We finally told family around week 18. We had our ultrasound at week 20.

I am now at week 22.

You would think that I would be feeling better about things. I am faithful, I am extremely hopeful. I can't imagine that this would end badly as well. Would I be broken and lost if it did? Probably for a time. Would I eventually move on and learn? Most definitely. For now, I am taking it one day at a time. We, as a family are taking it one day at a time. It is maddening. It is hard to function, to just let go and let what will be, BE...but I can't. So each day is spent in agonizing worry, worry until I feel her move, worry until I see the doctor again. I wish it wasn't so. For this reason I didn't want to blog about it. But tonight, as I thought about Peanut, as I thought about all of the other babies that were to have been, I think how happy and excited I was for each and every one of them, and how this sweet girl deserves that too. She deserves to hear the happiness and congratulations from my friends. She deserves to be welcomed and wished for and hoped for.

Despite my heart.
My crazy, crazy heart.

This is our last shot. We found out at our ultrasound that I may be having surgery shortly after the baby is born (she is due July 30). They found a cystic tumor on my right ovary that they are watching and will remove after she makes her arrival. We will let you know more when we know more. This has shaken me a bit. Not sure what to think...I may end up "wombless" by the end of the year. Tee hee...one can only hope to not have periods ever again. I have a great doctor. I have a great Hubband. We are in good hands all around. We are in the Master's Hands.

With great trial cometh the blessings.

We are counting ours each and every day.

These shall be...

...the death of me.

(And my bumm.)

Work+Mini Eggs+Sitting= DEATH

Nuff said.

What Easter candy are you indulging in to the max this year?

My good friend...

...has been very, very sick.

About six weeks ago we finally had to send her to the hospital. We have been e-mailing her and calling about her progress for the past four weeks.

Hoping beyond hope that she was on the mend and that she would pull out of her illness.

It was very touch and go for awhile. She had been ill for some time, a little over a year, and we just didn't have the heart to let her go for so long to recuperate,

it almost cost her her life.

While she was gone, I had to make a new friend. She came with me to a wedding, and we became instant buddies. Oh how I loved this new friend.

Her wide hips and fast ways, made me almost hope that my old friend would indeed die so that I could make this new lady my new best friend. It was fun to take a walk on the wild side.

Alas, I had to return the new friend to her best friend, and cope with my own loss and tragedy.

Until today.

I got the answer I have so desperately been waiting for.
With baited breath I opened the e-mail, knowing that either she hadn't made it, or she made it with a stack of bills that I would inevitably have to pay for.
With this economy, the prospect of that was terrifying.

But, I am here to tell you that today was a good day! She has fully recovered!

And her insurance company is paying for all of the medical bills, all I have to pay for is her cab fare and she'll be back home.

Oh how I cannot wait to kiss and hug on her and treat her right. Even if her hips are a little too boyish, I love her, and she and I have had many good times together. Here is to many more.

Welcome home Nik. Welcome home.

I just can't get enough!

It should be no secret that these two are my faves.

Seriously?! YES!

Love me The Biggest Loser.

I am addicted. I even feel slightly guilty when I eat Pringles while I watch the show.

Be it known, Hubbs was in fact eating ice cream during the show tonight.

Tonight?

I was in TEARS...as I was feeling like a total putz thinking,

"Why am I crying over who is going home?"
Until I looked over and Hubbs was crying too.

SUCH a good show. Really, it really, truly is!

If you haven't taken the time to make it a part of your life, you really should. It is SO inspiring.

Off to go blow my nose, and avoiding the scale.

Cool Beans

This year, my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are studying the Doctrine and Covenants in Sunday School. I am not a theologian, I don't claim to be super smart in areas of religion, but basically, this book is a book of revelations given to Joseph Smith around the time of the Restoration of the church into the 20th Century. Pretty freaking cool.

I didn't realize it at the time, but around the first part of January I started reading
The Work and the Glory.

Maybe you have heard of the movies?
(They are bomb too, especially that scruffy Joshua. Mmmm gimme some of that.)

Even though these books are considered "fiction" because they greatly revolve around a fictional family, the church history behind them is amazing. The author has done an INCREDIBLE job of documenting his sources, and I have found myself mesmerized by all that I am learning.

On Friday, Hubbs and I had a date. Yes, a real date, cool huh? Anyway, we went to
The Church History Museum.

I freaking LOVE this place. I am a Church History GENIUS now, anyway, I am just amazed.

What is the point of all this rambling?

I have come to love and to respect the temple even more since my study of the Doctrine and Covenants. And I wanted to take the time to share this beautiful video from my church telling you all about the temple and why we have them. Pretty cool stuff.

Have a happy sabbath yo.

Blasted youtube isn't working...here is the linky loo.

Aye--yay, yay.

So, tonight our ward had this bomb fiesta. Minus the Tequila, cerveza, and peyote. There were however muchas senoritas, dancing, hot sauce, AND a pinata.

I am telling you this because it is my calling...(my little job in my ward) and I LOVE IT!

I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. Watching full grown adults and people of an older generation hit a pinata was seriously SO FUNNY. Watching my kid get hit in the leg with the bat as it broke in two...not so funny. (He is fine. I think he was more upset he didn't get to HIT the pinata.)

Again I say, I love my calling, I haven't had so much fun since I can remember. Who says Latter-day Saints don't have any fun? I'll tell you what...

Word has gone around my ward about this blog. "Eek!" I say,
and cringe in other ways,
but I welcome people getting to know who I really am. It doesn't get more real than this blog. Welcome to my new friends...

Dear Friend...

...the one that we ding-dong ditched today.

My heart was aching tremendously as I met with mrs r...and we discussed what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that today was for you.

We prayed that your nemesis sit on a tack, very long, very painful, very sharp and perhaps very poisonous tack.

There is nothing worse than seeing one of your good friends hurting, and knowing you can't do much for them.

We love you.

I make a much better Bella, don't ya think?

Create your own FACEinHOLE

I am SO embarrassed to be posting this. I have had it as a draft for a month. Actually did this as a favor for my dear friend mrs. r.

It is just too greasy. I secretly love it.

Incidentally, here is hers:


Create your own FACEinHOLE

Photography Special

Go check out my Senior Special on my photography blog.

If you don't have seniors, I am also having through Mother's day a

free 8x10 (of your choice) with each session booked.

So delicious, I can't handle it.

For V-day my sweet Hubbs and children came home with gift cards to Target.

Last week, I used said gift cards to buy these damask lovies. If you come to my house, please ask me to get you a drink in one of these.

They are so lovely I cannot handle myself. I just want to eat them, and can often be found licking them.

Just so you know.

How fun.

Love this word cloud. Thanks Sarah. Now, go make your own.

What can you live without?

Yesterday, after a full day of deep Spring cleaning of my kitchen (praise me), I decided to sit my ars down and watch me some afternoon telly. After watching a rousing hour of Dr. Phil discuss how to cut our grocery bill IN HALF...Hubbs got home and sat down just as Oprah was beginning.

(Let it be known that if Hubbs is home, he will watch Dr. Phil and Oprah 99% of the time. He is addicted. I think it is hilarious.)

Anyway, Oprah was quite interesting. You should go check out the story on her site.

Basically she talked about "What can you live without?" And asked the question, then had some amazing guests on who talked about ways they simplified their lives. I won't lie when I had the small desire to run out and sell my house and move into a cottage in the woods...holla! But quickly recovered when I realized that indeed I can't live without my "square-footage". (It makes me feel good...that is what Oprah said anyway...let's talk about her square footage. Huh hmmm.)

So, it got us on the discussion with our little fam about what we could live without. So I asked Hubbs and J-Dawg what they thought.

Jokingly I asked Jay and Hubbs if they thought they could live without ice cream...immediately the question was shot back,

"Could you?!"

"Duh! Of course I can...I don't really even like it anyway, except that one kind...so ya, I could!"

The boys never did give me a straight answer, then J-Man shoots back with the following:

"Well, you can live without it then. But not me, Daddy, and Memms!"

Huh.

The proof of that was discovered when I came across a receipt this morning that stated that at 3:31 a.m. wilst my Hubbs went out to get electrical tape, he also bought three quarts of:

Dove ice cream.

I'm really going to have to find out what they CAN live without.
(And living without putting your shoes away does not count.)