Heart Sick.

Amy? Did you take this?

Do you guys ever feel heart sick? Like your heart feels like it is going to break into a million tiny pieces? I have three different people/families that my heart is just aching for. So much so that I feel SICK to my stomach when I think about all the trial they are going through, and all the trial that they may potentially be going through.

I long to take that ache away. I pray and hope that they don't have to go through so much heartache and sorrow, and yet, as I have gone through my own trials in life, I have seen how they have shaped me, moulded me, and brought me to the place I am in today. Do you think this is how Father feels?

He doesn't want to see us hurting, wishes and wants to take the pain away, but he just can't because he sees the whole picture?

Will you all pray for my friends? Pray for their families? Even though you don't know them? I'm so thankful for all of my blog friends, for all you are, for all you do. For me, and for those you have never met and will never meet! So very thankful for you.

I FOUND IT!!!

MY RING!!

THANKS YOU GUYS...I know it was because so many of you prayed that I would. And it was, in THE most random place EVER! In a pocket, of the cutest jacket I own, that I would have NEVER put my ring in. I'm so happy to have it back!

Going to miss...

These moments... The moments when I would catch all three of them like this. Playing, laughing, loving one another. These moments have been becoming more and more frequent. We find ourselves getting very teary at the thought of next week. Next week this little man could be gone.
And my heart that was so fearful of his arrival, is weeping at his departure. We love you little LJ. Thank you for touching our lives and our hearts with your presence.

It is amazing to me...the power of LOVE. The power of Adoption. The power of Foster Care. Heavenly Father designed the heart so perfectly. Something that is so easily broken, is so easily repaired by another's love, so easily grown and sewn back together to only burst to overflowing with more LOVE.

Love is a pretty cool thing.

:(

About a week ago I lost my wedding ring. I can't find it. ANYWHERE. I have CLEANED, like DEEP cleaned my ENTIRE house. GONE. NADA. NOTHING. Sick. I am just sick.

Spring is Here...

...I saw proof of it in the blossoms on the trees. FINALLY trees. Thank you!

We've had a busy day. Tomorrow is no exception. It is a good busy. A happy busy.

Tonight we had a really fun ward adult activity. It was themed, "Blast to the Past". We got to dress up from any era. It rawked. We took a few photographs but I am too lazy and tired to go get the card right now.

Off to bed, have a bright, early, and full day ahead of me.

Hope your day is full of sunshine.

Easter. I know you were a month ago.

Is anyone else like, really mad at Blogger? I hate the new photo upload system. Bah.

Anyway. Easter. These were the day before LJ came. (Can I just tell you how FRUSTRATING it is not to post photos of him? I took a few today of his feet. So at least you can see he is a real little guy. Back on track: I loved coloring eggs with my kiddos. I love that they are getting old enough now where everything is magical to them. I love how patiently they waited for the eggs to color. I love how much they devoured the fruits of their labor. I love their expressions, especially J-Man on that last shot. He kills me. Ooo I love him.

So, like, FOUR months ago, I bought Adobe Lightroom. I used it FOR THE FIRST TIME tonight. Guess what? I think I LOVE IT. I saved AND edited 50 RAW files and saved them to JPEGS in 4 minutes. FOUR. 4. QUATRO. Dude, I am sold. Now I just need to figure it out. I may say I edited them, I didn't say they looked good. ;)

It snowed today.

Oh flip flops. How I miss you.

Foster Care

I guess I should have waited to update y'all about little LJ. Got a call today. Change is coming it seems.

Visits have been extended to four times a week, and for longer periods of time. I can handle that. After seeing how happy and excited he was to see mom today, I was happy they would have more time together.

I've really come to love LJ's family. I love his grandfather specifically and especially. I am concerned for them, for his mom. They are SO full of love, it is just sad that some things in life create a barrier to the things that are most important. It is my prayer that LJ's mom can find the strength to push forth, and that little LJ will always know how much he is loved, wanted and needed in this life, especially when he leaves us.

He wasn't feeling the greatest today, he had a fever today and since he had seen his mom, was fighting his nap. I went in and just talked to him, caressed his little face until his eyes closed. My mind kept wandering to his mom. I keep thinking about if I were in her position, I would hope that if my kids were in someone else's care, there would be someone there to give them lots of hugs, lots of kisses, and extra time and care if they were sick. My heart has grown SO much through this experience, and each day is getting easier. It is very much worth it.

Guilty pleasures. Got any?

I love how reflective of my mood these photographs were today. Right down to the colors. Kind of crazy. I've really been indulging myself with some of my guilty pleasures lately. Here are a few of them: Magazines, but GOOD photography magazines particularly. I found this one and I am IN LOVE with it. The images, the layout, the design, it kicks.
Shoes. For some reason I am loving open toe heels. I hated when my mom wore them when I was little. I guess I love them because it gives me a reason to indulge in my other guilty pleasure: Pedicures.
Joico Firm Hairspray. I'm addicted thanks to my cousin Jill. She may remember back in jr. high and high school I detested the almighty hair spray. Now, I bow to it.
Again, something I thought was SO gross when I would see anyone eating it. With a hubby with it as his favorite candy, it was only a matter of time and somehow I tried one, and now we can't stop. (We can, we just don't want to.) There is something about the little package and the triangular shape that is totally awesome too.
And finally the red pear. Pretty much love them to pieces. Love the flavor, love the color, love to hold them in my hand and smell them. A bowl of these to look at, is way better than any bouquet of flowers.

What are your guilty pleasures?

Is anyone...

...as sick about our choice of candidates for the presidency as I am? I'm just not feeling anyone. Am I alone in this?

I'm not sure why, but it has been occupying my mind a lot. It just feels like the more I research and the more I learn, I feel less confident in someone to run our country.

Grandma's house kicks...

These are from a month ago. We go visit my step-mom and my little brother's a few times each month, but for sure, every Fast Sunday. The kids love playing with all of "Grandma Lorraine's Toys".

'specially the Tinker Toys

Here is my adorable nephew Viktor. He is SO smart, and Jothan and Memms love to play with him. Love the look Emms is giving him here...
And this shot is to die for. I just love him so much. He looks so much like my brother here it is intense.
More stuff for me than for you. I need to catch up on my personal stuff, and these just stood out to me tonight! Hope everyone is doing well. ;)

L to the J...

Oh my goodness, can you say M.I.A? I swear I have sat down to write this past week, but something always comes up. I have so much to catch up on, but A LOT of you have been asking how LJ is doing...so here's a little Foster Care update for ya'll...

Life has finally settled down here. LJ is doing really, really well. He has his moments, but it is then that I need to remind myself that he is just two, and he is not out to get me. ;) In all honesty, he is a very good boy, and he is so beautiful. I am not sure if it is okay to post photographs of him or not. I am barring on the side it isn't the best idea, but I'll contemplate it some more and hopefully share in the next little while.

We know a little more about his case, unfortunately I can't share that information with anyone, or discuss with anyone except his caseworker (seems crazy and perhaps a little silly, but sometimes you just need to vent right?), but what I can tell you is that he more than likely won't be with us as long as we had originally been told. The funny thing about Foster Care I have found is that a lot of people have NO CLUE as to an answer to your question, as there is just SO much unknown in the Foster Care world. What I can tell you is, that he sees his mom and brother three times a week, and things seem to be going really well.

LJ has a really hard time on the days he sees mom. I can tell he is really confused and basically wonders, "Why the heck are you people taking me home with you again?!" He has a hard time adjusting on those days, and he doesn't like to nap or sleep on those days either.

We have fallen in love with him. That is really good for him, bad for us, because we know he isn't staying...we have been preparing ourselves to let him go soon. That thought isn't as hard to think about as it used to be.

I'll leave you with a funny story:

On Friday, I took LJ into the office to visit with mom. When I got into the waiting room, Mom was on the phone and Grandpa and Grandma were there. Grandpa tells LJ, "Go give Momma a hug." LJ runs over to me with wide open arms and I get the best hug ever. I am 100% sure he meant for LJ to give HIS mom a hug...and I know I am not his mom, but it was nice to have that little bit of a payoff.

Close to the Surface

It is my hope that this is the last long post I will have for awhile. Hopefully the last post, that when I read it I see a girl who is hurting and feeling a bit sad and perhaps sorry for herself. I hate seeing this girl, but know that she must heal. I think she is doing just that, she just needs to get it out one last time and take a step forward and move on.

I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor today. I feel like for the past five days or so, I have done really well, at well...not crying. Everything else hasn't been so good. I have just felt this heavy, dark weight upon my shoulders. I can feel myself not wanting to leave my house, forgetting to eat (literally, I just feel no hunger...I have been eating though, forcing myself to get well physically), having a hard time sleeping. So, I thought to myself a couple days ago, "Gee, this sounds a lot like the symptoms of depression." Since today has been 16 days since we lost Peanut, and since that time today was the THIRD day I actually put on makeup and tried to do something with myself, I decided that this had to stop, and that it wasn't getting better on it's own.

The second my doctor came in and sat down, began discussing with me the pathology reports from the baby, I started crying. I was fighting it so hard. I just feel like I am not getting through this as well as I should. Sure, with Joth and Emm, I felt the baby blues, but I had this gorgeous baby to stare at, cuddle, love and hold all day long. Now, well I still have those gorgeous kids to cuddle and hold, plus one more, but it wasn't the same. As much as I love these three beings, there is this huge hole in my heart. It didn't make sense as to why I feel so heavy until the nurse was giving me a shot of progesterone in my hip. Her words were comforting, she let me cry, she gave me a hug, and told me what I needed to hear, and that it was okay to have some chemical help through this. So, for the next few months I'll be on a really low dose of an anti-depressant. I haven't started taking it, I am afraid really. I'm still holding out that this dose of hormone helps me like they say it will. Hello sunshine, I am waiting for you. ;)

I discussed a lot of things with my doctor, crying all the way through it. Hating the fact I had to be back in that office, in the same room that I heard our baby's heartbeat only six weeks ago. I hated sitting there waiting for the doctor, then for the nurse. I wanted to run from the room screaming and never return. I'm not sure if things feel more clear or more clouded. That the things he told me are to make me feel better about what happened, or more of a failure. (Not a literal failure, but the failure that one inevitably feels when things don't go as planned.) I just don't know where to put my foot next. Which road do I take, which one do I pursue, which one do I leave behind? I am flipping baby hungry...I know I am not alone in this feeling, I just had to say it. My heart just aches still.

I'm hoping today was the last of the heavy sobbing. My emotions have been so close to the surface, when Flavio called me after my appointment and I was crying he had the nerve to ask, "Why are you crying?" Wha? Did you just ask me, "WHY AM I CRYING?!" Seriously. GAH! I'm crying because I feel a loss, I am crying because I made it so far into my pregnancy, made it through the sickness, the debilitating headaches, the FAT gain, the swollen face, and when I look in the mirror and see my more slender figure, my watch that no longer stays on my wrist the way it used to, I can see that I am not the same person I was almost 20 weeks ago. That should make me happy, but it doesn't.

I'm determined to move on from this trial. While I shall never forget it, I don't want it to overtake me, to consume me so that I always remember the pain of this event. I don't want to count weeks up until my "due date". I want to move on and live, and prepare for the next adventure, the next blessing, even the next trial. So, that is what I am doing. Even if there are more days of emotions close to the surface, I have other things to take care of, other children to prepare for, to seek, to find, along with life that is waiting beyond this dark knot in my rope of life. Such a tiny glimpse of eternity. There is a spirit waiting for me, pushing me forward. I have a testimony that this spirit is not sitting around waiting for me, watching me feel sorrow, they are working, smiling, doing all they need to do to gain all the blessings promised to them...and so do I.

I'm thankful that this trial happend so close to Conference. My testimony has been strengthened. I truly feel like the Lord spoke to MY heart, and told me things that I needed to hear. I am listening, I'm ready to get back to work.

I want to thank everyone for their love and support.

Amanda for the beautiful flowers that lasted seemingly forever.

Cassie, in the midst of her own trials, came to see me in the hospital, brought the most beautiful figure of a mother and a child. And later in the week brought us TWO of THE most delicious dinners I have ever eaten, and has continually called me (even though I don't call her back. Seriously, once this depression is over, I owe you big time!). And love to Tim who called Flavio.

Carly, who brought us over our favorite pizza in the world, joined us for dinner TWICE then came over to my house AGAIN when my four year old let her in without us knowing...and I walked upstairs to catch her doing our dishes! She stayed all day and played with the kids so I could rest for a few minutes, and gave us a beautiful reminder that our Savior loves us so much.

Casey, who mopped my floor in prep for LJ's caseworker to come, helped wrangle my kids into bed, and read them story after story. She also made us a delicious dinner and gave me a dozen beautiful roses.

Amy and John who were thoughtful enough to want to bring us food, but instead humbled themselves to come and enjoy the mountain of food that we had already been given. They cheered our hearts and made us laugh, and I got a free chiropractic adjustment from it...when they move back home I'm all over John's practice! It was nice to have John here to buoy Flavio's spirits as well. I know how much HE needed it.

The R House, specifically Mrs. R. who brought us some killer lasagna and dinosaur chicken nuggets (that we just ate yesterday and they were freaking awesome...would you believe that FLAVIO made some homemade honey mustard? Well, I added the honey...but the rest he did. Mmmm.) as well as ice-cream and pie and a TON, I say A TON of movies for me to enjoy. I have loved just vegging in front of a good movie. Thank you!

Leisha, who was gone at the time of losing Peanut, but who lovingly made us dinner the week after I got home from Hawaii when I was having some spotting and feeling like basic CRAP...she was on top of it like a BFF should be and brought us a HUGE dinner. I can't thank her enough for that! ;)

Arianne and Jayna who sent me a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers. As well as many phone calls of love and e-mails expressing heartfelt sympathy. (Again, so sorry I haven't returned them...I just feel so heavy the thought of doing much is so hard...but I am thankful for it!)

Lace, who brought us pizza, "the kind with circles on it" Jothan's "fravorite". And chips...holy cow how the kids loved those chips. And the cookies, which unfortunately I ate TOO many of. It was SUPER nice to have that dinner!

Amy, who I e-mailed on the Friday after I got out of the hospital and cried to via e-mail (if one can do that) and she brilliantly convinced me that the ward should know what happened, and got us three more meals.

Amy, whom I missed as I was taking little LJ to the doc...she brought me some BEAUTIFUL roses and some yummo chocolate, chocolate, chocolate cookies...she is like eight months pregnant and she BAKED. FOR. ME. She wrangled her three year old and went TO. MY. HOUSE. She deserves a medal. ;) She is one of my dearest friends in the entire world. She deserves a better friend than me!

Wendy and Dan, who came to the hospital, and gave me the most cuddly teddy bear that I am no longer owner of (thanks Emm, Jothan, and LJ). Then brought us CHEESECAKE and lots of laughter. Flavio was so happy to have a DUDE around! ;)

The ward, who brought those meals and stopped by to give blessings and words of comfort and peace.

To ALL OF YOU, who sent e-mails, cards, letters, thoughts, phone calls, comments, and love. Each and every person has touched my heart and has helped me through this horrible and yet strengthening experience. Even though I am not thanking you each one by one, hopefully someday I can and will! Your kindness has not gone unnoticed. ;)

THANK YOU! I can't say it enough and it feels so inadequate, but THANK YOU!

Found

I was mistaken, a few weeks ago when I mentioned on my photo blog that I had never shot a roll of C41 process film. Color at that. So, here goes...some yummylicious finds from my STACK of old photo CD's. Oooo I love these. I think I am sold on film. I could never get this look out of digital. Love how sharp they are, how much color, how perfect the color is. Love it.

Important days you block out...er remember...

I had almost forgotten about this day. Last week someone we met mentioned it to us. I remembered it again today as I went through thousands of photographs trying to find photos of my Grandfather for a slideshow my aunt is putting together. So you may be seeing some oldies but goodies for a while. ;)

These were taken in October of 2006. It was the day that Flavio FINALLY got his citizenship. (I say FINALLY because I was the one to push and push and push until he got it done. Sheesh, at least no one can say that he married me just to become a citizen.) Anyway, for some reason it was just him and me with the kids. They don't let you sit with your family that is getting the citizenship, so Flavio had Jothan and I had Emms. It was HORRIBLE. BOTH children SCREAMED all. the. way. through. the. ceremony. NOT kidding. I had people SHHhhhhing me. BELIEVE ME, I would have gladly left, had I not spent countless hours and money waiting for this day.

I had just gotten into photography...these photos are so blah. I wish I even had a photograph of Flavio by himself. I remember requesting such, but he was so worn out with the kids as was I that we just didn't do it. I remember wanting my children there for that moment SO badly...and they could have cared less.

Looking back these photos mean so much to me. My husband looks so young, it was not that long ago. Maybe a year and a half only? Why does my Emm seem so grown up to me now? Looking at these three people, my heart is full. I feel like the richest person on the planet. I'll take the tantrums, the fighting, the sleepless nights, the worn out frazzled days. Just to know that I GET TO HAVE THEM FOREVER.

Lately...

I have been working on a lot of different things, but not accomplishing much. I am just starting to feel better, still watching the work load as I notice when I "do too much" my body starts betraying me. So, little by little I have been adding my Hawaii images to my photography blog.

I dive back into sessions next week. I am pumped, I am stoked, I CAN'T wait. I have shot a bit here and there this past week, just things around the house. I am anxious to HAVE to get out and work. I hunger for it.

Anyway, just wanted to share...have a FAB Conference Weekend!

Thoughts.

Why after 1.5 weeks after losing our baby, do we receive a bill in the mail for the amount of
$8,000?

$8,000!

EIGHT. THOUSAND. DOLLARS.

I can think of a lot of things I would rather do with that money.

Like:

Actually have a baby to. take. home.

There is this camera that I want REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad...

And maybe throw in one of these...

Or maybe a nice down payment on this. (For hubbs.)

I wouldn't mind a bigger one of these. (They built our home, and they RAWK.)

Well, the list could go on and on and on. Laser hair removal, lipo, a week at the spa. A four wheeler, ya we've been eyeing one of them babies...

Good thing we have insurance and we won't have to pay a penny. Well, maybe a few, but not enough to warrant such desires as these.

The hospital doesn't waste any time do they?

Thoughts.

In my heart...

Photograph Courtesy of Reed Photographic

...I want to be helped from this pit. I want to come and put on a happy smiley face and tell you all that I am fine, that the world is just peachy, that the sun is shining. I am still fine one minute, and bawling like mad the next. Well, at least the bawling comes few and far between, but little bouts of tears now and then. I feel myself avoidant of things. I haven't left my house all week unless I had to. I don't want to. When I return home I just want to crawl into bed and die. I don't of course. Of course I have three little crazy kids running about the house fighting for my attention, and they require all of it. I am exhausted physically and emotionally from all of it. I haven't put on makeup for almost a week.

In my heart, I know this is not good. In my heart I just want to be myself again. I miss me. I miss knowing what Heavenly Father wants of me. I miss feeling trusted. I miss feeling like I had any control over my life whatsoever.

Someone asked a few days ago why I don't allow comments on these posts. I write them for my own sake, so that I remember how I am feeling, so that once I am finally out of the dark...I can more fully appreciate the light. I feel bad telling the world how hard this is for me to get through, how I just wish it to be a few months from now when I know that the picture will be clearer and my heart less empty.

Yesterday a dear, dear friend of mine from out of town surprised me by flying here to be with me and help me through this. I was almost beyond feeling when I saw her standing in my kitchen. I felt like I had nothing to offer her but my depressed self. It was so nice to be thought of, to not have to worry about fixing dinner, and that I could just sit on the couch as she mopped my floor in preparation for LJ's caseworker to visit. I let her do that. That impressed me. I just want her to know how much I appreciated that. Even though right now I don't know where "I" am.

This morning, some ladies from an Early Intervention program came over to test little LJ for developmental delays. (Holla to my mommy self for knowing that he was just fine...but appeased the caseworkers and such by allowing them to come. I was right, he is right on track...just a little two year old, but smart as a whip...) Anyway, as one of the ladies was giving the test, the nurse that was there asked me, "Who had the birthday? Or did somebody die or something?" Referencing the massive amounts of foliage on my kitchen island. I wish I had a tape recorder, it wasn't what she asked, but how. I broke down into tears and said, actually, the latter...and found myself having to explain and apologize for my sobs. GAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Some dudes came over today to help us plan our retirement. One of the dudes was this guy who is in the bishopric of the first ward we attended after we were married. I sat there at the table just staring off, with my intermittent squabble endings between Emms and LJ. I just cried as they were leaving, apologizing for the lack of my usual "Sunny Disposition". Oh sunny disposition where art thou? I hate being this way. I HATE IT!

LOST

Since that is how we have been feeling since last Monday, and since JC has invited all of the attendees from The Film is Not Dead Workshop to a "LOST" party, Flavio and I have been watching every episode from the beginning.

I must say it is a really bad thing to be doing, only because we are pretty much OBSESSED and want to be watching every episode we can instead of cleaning, folding laundry, actually working real estate, or photography. Even now, Flavio just came in when I told him we can catch up on Season 4 he freaked out to get his work done faster so he can watch Episode 4 of Season 2. I don't know if I should be jealous, but Flav has an incredible crush on Kate. I think I need to hit the gym because she looks WAY hotter in her skivvies than I do right now. ;) I wish there was someone more attractive than Jack or Sawyer, they just don't do it for me. And what in THE world is up with Sayid and his nails. YUCK. If a man ever touched me with those nails I would die.

We have a long way to go, but it has been SO incredibly good to just have that time for US...we put the kids to bed and before Flavio goes to work we watch an episode or two...it is great.

Whoa, wher'd that come from?

So I just had meltdown number three since last Monday. The first was on Thursday, the second on Saturday, and the third, today. When I say meltdown, it usually involves me, SCREAMING at whomever for whatever reason. Today I was screaming at no one in particular. Then commence the awful sobbing bawl. I was a heap of hysterical crying. I hated throwing my toddler fit, but I feel so much better, so much lighter.

I hope this passes soon 'cause me and the crazy lady, we don't get along so well.