I Apologize

To my Hubbs.


I came across this orange gift bag a few weeks ago. It was in the Halloween decoration box, and I found it as I was trying to get my kids ready for the ward Halloween extravaganza.

At this same time I was just a week out of my surgery and feeling very emotional and drugged, so perhaps it all has something to do with it...

...but mostly I have finally grown up,
and I need to tell my sweet, sweet husband how sorry I am for so very many things.



I know you don't think that I care about the "little" things you do...or used to do or did or still do.

When I saw this bag I recalled with perfect clarity the day you brought it to me over nine years ago. It was filled with some of my favorite treats from that time period.

Nestle Treasures.
(Which is no longer around, they go by another weird and random name now.)

I recall oftentimes receiving gifts such as these, or notes, or flowers, and at the time I didn't appreciate them as much as I should have.

Part of me was embarrassed, or part of me felt extremely unworthy of love or adoration from anyone,
especially from you.

I loved every moment of these thoughtful things, and looking back I really wish I would have done more to let you know how much I loved and appreciated them, how much I wish I would have showed you that I deserved them.



This one especially chokes me up when I read it:





'Cuz I didn't, and I haven't...not until now...almost ten years later.
I finally see it.

I can finally feel comfortable enough with myself
to realize how lucky and blessed and deserving I am of such a
wonderful and loving husband.

I kept waiting for you to go away
like so many things in my life did while I was growing up...
I did what I always did to the good things
in my life that didn't last.

I pushed them away.

Thank you for not leaving.

Thank you for not giving up on me.

I am sorry.

Sorry for being a spoiled brat at times,
and a beastly 'b' at others.
(WAY, way, way! more often than not.)



Thanks for loving me enough to buy me this black coat a year after we got married.
I love it so much and still have it, I can't part with it.
I just remember how excited we were to buy it...and how shocked I was that you did buy it.

And it was to make ME look good.
I am selfish like that.

I am a lucky girl.

So sad I haven't fully realized it...until now.



Thanks for taking me on horrid four hour 'whale watching' extravaganzas in Rhode Island.
Thank you for letting me see Autumn back east.
I still dream of it often and want to run back there with you someday.



Thank you for letting me start fights at someone's wedding service when I hear them talking trash about my husband's culture.



Thank you for loving me through horrible flat hair and too much makeup,
even when I thought I looked fabulous.

You are right, I look pretty no matter what,
and really I am not all that much fatter than when we got married.

I am sorry I haven't realized this until now.

I am sorry I haven't taken the time to appreciate who I was inside,
thank you for appreciating who I was regardless.



Thank you for loving me enough to let me fly.
For letting me have my many hobbies and crazy times to remain sane...
even when it costs you lots and lots of money in the process.

Each thing has allowed me to grow and develop as a person, physically, and spiritually.
You are always there for me.
Every. Day.

I am sorry I complained for so long and only
focused on the times
you weren't there
because you couldn't be.
(Because you were usually working to pay off the debt I got us into.)



I am especially sorry that I taught you too much English.

I miss your accent and your misspelling of words.

I miss making these little cards for you.



Thank you for this.

Thank you for helping me to become who I am today.
I love you more each and every day.

You are my everything.

Love you forever.

I mean that.

They're done! Go and see and buy! Toooooo Cute!

we finally have all our childrens clothing available in the shop.

Come see me IRL...and get some Christmas shopping done!

click to enlarge.

we will be at pistol pete's mexican grill on saturday ready to handstamp whatever you would like. come and grab a quisadilla (random that it's at a mexican grill, right? lol!) and bring your christmas shopping list. we are all stocked up and ready to create.

p.s. the kiddie shirts and running shirts will be there too.

see you there ...right?

Death. Bed. (Surgery blows and other such nonsense.)

Hi.

Sorry I have been gone.
Mostly I have been sleeping, interspersed occasionally with bouts of work
I probably shouldn't have been doing.
(Got reprimanded on Friday. Awesome.)

I am on the mend.
It will be three weeks tomorrow, and all being told, I am feeling better day by day.

The lovely Leisha came with mrs. r to comfort me and to bring me goodies that I couldn't eat. (bless them) Leisha also brought with her a camera. Gotta love that camera.
Proof of my awesomeness.

Here is a picture of me after puking my brains out in front of another human being
(something I try to avoid).

The IV which inevitably turns into a bruise the size of Rhode Island (I still have one from when I had Millz.)

I like to call this one, "To avoid blood clots".
Which won out highly over, "I feel like my grandmother."



mrs. r gives me an arm massage as I drift in and out of dilirium.



So, anyway, back to the surgery. I was in the hospital for about two days, I went home early because I wanted the catheter out and to be off of the O2 and to eat human food.
(a decision I kind of regretted later...)

We got to the hospital at 8.

I signed in on a little kiosk just like at the airport self check-in. Then they gave me a pager like you get at restaurants. You know the kind that buzz when your table is ready.

I wasn't sure what to think.
As mrs. r put it, it was like battle of the 80's awesomeness between pagers and hairnets.

Not sure which was the cooler part of the day.

It seems on days I look my ugliest, I get the cutest of nurses and or doctors caring for me. There was a pretty cute nurse-in-training tagging along before the surgery...
eye candy is always nice when you are about to go under.

(Don't worry Hubbs was there with me, and I inform him when I find someone attractive.)
Please note I find Hubbs very attractive.
A post for another day.

As they wheeled me into surgery the last thing I remember was some old male nurse asking to
"trade your pants for a warm blanket."
Hmm.

That was around 9:00 a.m. The next time I can adequately recall remembering my eyes functioning and working with my brain was around 2:00 p.m.

I was so worried I wouldn't be able to see any of my kids for three days...especially little Millz who is still breastfeeding.

My doctor is awesome.

After much persuasion and going up the chain of authority, he claims he finally talked to Obama and he gave the okay to have Millz come into the hospital.

He said it had something to do with health care reform and trying to get a higher rating as prez.
(Meh.)

It was nice however to have her come in later that night to be with me for awhile, it wasn't without a fight. In my drunken state of anesthesia and morphine to the spine I can recall some hobbit type looking nurse with really short arms trying to convince me that my baby would die of "Swine Flu" if we brought her in...lol.

Then the really cool OBGYN...who is almost ready to have her own practice (love her if ya'll need a referral in a few years) came in and I told her how un-accomodating everyone was being...and she put the smack down, saying "Your doctor has it HUGE on your chart that you are a new mom and that your baby has the okay to be here!"
(empowered...I obliged and loved and cuddled my baby.)

The surgery went well. I had my post op last week and things are looking good.

Benign.

That is ALWAYS a good word in my opinion.

The surgery went really well, they were able to keep most of my ovary.

So another four weeks of recovery before I am released back to my full schedule of motherly, wifely, and photographer duties...and all will be well.

How am I feeling?

TIRED

What was it like?

Like having a c-section three months after having a baby.
(or so I am told by my doctor)

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts, prayers, flowers, cards, food and love sent our way.

We needed it.

I needed it.

(Hopefully my posts will make more sense after my recovery...still feeling grade-a dopey!)

Baby 'Grande' and Toes are WAY more exciting than me.

When J-dawg was a little tiny man, he got this baby doll for Christmas.
(Incidentally she is like half the price now...geez.)

My hope in getting him his own little doll (and I am obviously using that term loosely) was to prepare him for the eventuality of a little brother or sister one day, hoping that it would ease the transition.

The problem? The first words out of his mouth the instant he held it were, and I quote:

"Ooooooh! Bebe muito grande!"

(said like gah-ran-jee)

Basically my tiny boy was telling me that this doll was TOO freaking huge for him to handle,
it was seriously SOOOO big!

So, the name stuck.
To this very day, having been played with by J-dawg, and Memms, and one day soon, Millz...this doll is still called,

"Baby Grande".

Meet Baby Grande...
who may or may not have once been a "boy" to ease Hubbs into the idea of his son having a doll...and who somehow has blossomed into a yellow polka dot wearing baby girl.
Who knew?

Note Millz with Baby Grande just this week.
Please consider that Millz is now three months old:

Hilariousness.

Do you see Millie in that last picture?
My other dilemma.

She is in LOVE with her feet.

She just discovered them.

While I dearly love her in every way possible,
as a mother, it is hard for me to accept that she no longer wants to look at my face,
and as a photographer she no longer eagerly looks at my camera either.

Instead she would rather look at her toes.
Another sign that she is getting bigger.
Pause while I shed a tear.

Just don't tell her that I love her toes as much as she does,
if. not. more.

Guess who was on the front page of etsy?

(I am really glad Millz loves her birth mother)

We totally were this morning! Holla!

Go see our new goodies. Mmmm.

Happy Halloween

...from my goblins to yours!

I survived.

(The last hospital stay was WAY cooler.)

Very, very tired, and beat.

Will return soon.

Funny, after two days with my doctor,
he almost has me convinced that we should have another baby.

Thanks for all your prayers.
Just wanted to check in and let you know they are working.

Exhausted.

Today, although crazy has been a great day.

I have been going on four hours of sleep.
(Never a good thing in my opinion.)
I will happily run on so little if it means I get to snuggle this cutie pie for hours on end.

Sick. Baby.

No. Fun.

I spent the morning at my doctor's office going over my surgery tomorrow.

Then ran home to pick up baby to take her to her doctor (note both doctors are not far from each other but hecka far from my house...).

Lots of car time.

Had to take Millz to PCMC to have some labs run, because she is so little and has a fever, and a super gaggy cough. They want to know why.

Happily as of this evening when her doctor called, there is nothing too alarming.
No H1N1...no really anything. Strange.

P.S. Dear H1N1: I hate you H1N1.
(I won't get to see my kids for almost three days because of you! You blow.)
(Hospital policy...I am sure you all have the same thing around your area too. No visitors under 14 years!)

Off to have surgery tomorrow.

I will blog from my hospital room afterward to let you all know I survived it and that no one is getting my organs donated to them...tomorrow anyway.

Inside joke.

Huggs and loves to all!

I almost forgot!

If you want to make me SUPER happy, come to a boutique this weekend.

M'ladies will be there selling our necklaces, and debuting our new adoption related baby goodies and running shirts.

Wait, was I suppose to say that?
Well, go and see for yourself. The cat's out of the bag.

Deets:

The Belle Boutique
At Magnolia Grove Reception Center
1117 west South Jordan Parkway (106th south)
Friday and Saturday
10:00-4:00 p.m.

(Totally bummed I won't see you.)

My Baby Laughs

Do ya wanna?

...participate in a surprise?

For the r house?

Baby G's adoption is officially finalized...
and we, her friends want to do something special for her and her sweet little family.

For details and information on how you can participate, please e-mail:

FinallyRsForever@gmail.com

Shhh, it is a surprise, no trying to find out what it is either Lindsey, you just let us a'ight?

"Why One Should Never Blog While Under the Influence"

Proof:

Uhm, so I prolly should not be allowed to post EVER.

Especially not when having taken a mezcla of painkillers, antibiotics, and anti-depressants followed by a heaping amount of sleep deprivation.

Tee hee.

It wasn't until last night during my crazy dream frenzy (that I have nightly) that I dreamed I was at my aunts house going through the family pictures.
FAMILY PICTURES?!
What?
Oh ya, a month ago almost!
I. Took. Our. Extended. Family. Pictures.
We got dressed up for it and EVERYTHING!
You would think I would remember putting makeup and clothes on. Apparently it wasn't eventful enough.

I rushed down here to my computer, and much to my relief there was a family picture,
and it is actually fairly cute.
(Thanks Jill.)

I can die a happy woman.

If you are wondering what the H I am talking about, please read the previous drug induced post...and laugh, like I just did.

Lunatic. See?

Mortality

Hate
being reminded of my mortality.

Take this morning, getting a re-root canal on my very infected tooth
(and bone...gross right? I really didn't need to know that much!).
Ouch.

I just seriously don't like to have to think that I could die, EVER.
Holy anxiety attack.

I survived the root canal, the first half anyway.

As I was working for a bit tonight, I came to the realization that our little family hasn't had ONE single photo taken of all five of us TOGETHER.
It has been almost three months...can you believe that?
I started getting all teary just thinking about it.

I have this totally UNFOUNDED fear of dying on the table next week...and leaving my family without a picture, a FAMILY picture.
I could see Millz growing up crying because there are so few pictures of ME and HER.
GAH.
I just feel this overwhelming need to get our family pictures taken just in case.

I am a lunatic.
Yep, I know I am.

Just had to get it out, for some reason I feel better getting out the fact that I am a wee bit nervous.
Maybe I can convince the doc to do some lipo while he is in there?! Maybe then I will feel more excited!

For something a little more enjoyable, here is a little something I like to call,

Real Life Dawl

Who needs a baby doll when you've got the real thing?

Love these two...they are besties til the end of time.

They make me want to have a million more.

P.S.

Can you even believe Sister used to look like this?

Help Bec Win a GIG! Pretty Please?

Can you guys go vote for my friend?

Pretty pretty please with sugar on top?

Vote by hitting the purple button to the left of the blue butterfly.

Click here to vote!

Bec is one of my favorite people in the entire world and was my first "REAL" friend.
Oh how I love her and oh how she deserves to win this gig.

Huggs and thank you!

Loving and missing her...

Moosh in Indy a.k.a My BFFIRL

Loving this post from her.
Thank you Casey.

Go read her blog and enter her giveaway.

Need Pass Along Cards, Like a Fat Kid Need Cake

e-mail me

and I will send you an address where you can send me copious amounts of
YOUR
pass along cards.

I assure you they will be going all over the country...and maybe even the world.

Huggs.

kimsueellen [at] gmail [dot] com

Funk

In a funk the last day or two.

Not sure why, but then again, I do know.

Having a cystic tumor removed at the end of the month.

Not sure what all will come out with it.

I have my pre-op appointment the day before the surgery.

I say surgery because of the nature of this "thing" I have to have it incised...meaning it can't be done via laparoscopy.
That I have had before. This? NO. CLUE.

Nervous about the recovery. Nervous because my husband has no time off. Nervous because it puts me out of work for the entire holiday season.

This kind of put me into a tailspin funk.
Last time I 'went under' I was so hyped up on emotion and basically I was in shock I didn't have time to THINK about it.
This time?
I have three weeks to stress and stew over it.
I knew it was coming, that isn't a surprise.
I have known for 30 some odd weeks it was coming.

I just don't want to deal with it.

Good news?
These types of tumors are usually benign.
Not worried about cancer or anything at this point.

Just the fact I am having to THINK about my womanly self in any fashion just has me reeling.

It has consumed most of my adult life.
The pain has slowly returned and leaves me angry and upset.
Part of me wishes and hopes and begs my doc to rip it all out.
The other part of me knows it is probably not for the best.
It doesn't mean I won't try to convince him otherwise.

Funk.

Thank goodness for Prozac, I don't know where I would be today without it.

Thankful the parts worked well three times.
Thank you parts.
(I am aware that some people's parts don't work at all. For this reason I am thankful. But...)
...Parts...I still hate you.

News

(Be assured there are LOTS of pictures of the other kids too. Those to come soon.)

Blogging here today.

Go and feel inspired.

Just kidding about that Maternity Leave...having surgery the end of the month.

Deets to follow.

I'm still here.

Sometimes, it seems all I can do these days, is just BE.

I just need to BE a mom.

I just need to BE still.

BE.

I have really immersed myself in my family the past few months.

MONTHS.

I can't believe I just said that.

Millz is two months old.

Officially.

Luckily (and thankfully for me) she is staying tiny.

She weighs 10 lbs.

The other kids weighed at least five pounds more at this point and were wearing bigger clothes.

The fact that she is just barely fitting into her 0-3 month clothes
makes me smile.

It feels like time is going slower.

A tender mercy.

That may seem silly, but it makes me cry just thinking about how much I am not ready for her to get any older or bigger.

She is napping right now.

She has been napping on a schedule for the past two days.
A sign that she is indeed getting older.

She has made me realize a great many things.

One of them being how much I adore being a mother.

How important it is to BE here for my kids.

How I would walk to the end of the earth and back for them.

It is an important job, one I pray that many of you get to experience, whether that be again, for the first time, or for eternity...it is worth the wait and every heartache to get to this point.

Many more posts to come, I have so many things I want to share, but the baby monitor is crying...we'll save the rest for another nap time.

Hope

Saw this first today via Nie's blog.

Remember my last post?
I don't believe in coincidence.

Never give up hope.

Never.

Happy Sunday.