Blue Lemon = Deliciousness

Last week I had the AWESOME opportunity to go to dinner at the FABULOUS

Blue Lemon Bistro

nestled in the foothills of gorgeous Alpine, Utah.






Just the logo makes my mouth water.



I was SO lucky to have been invited to this grand opening of the Blue Lemon with one of my gorgeous BFF's...and also a TON of really neat blogging ladies. I canNOT wait to get them all on my sidebar for my reading pleasure. It was so much fun getting to know them over such delicious food.



Look at the details on these dishes. This was a salmon dish. It looked SO good.



This is what I ordered. I love me a good BLT and this one was a
Lemon-Lime Grilled Chicken BLT.
It did not disappoint.



Here is mrs. r sampling the delicious "acai" berry smoothie. (Like all good things, the acai berry is from Brasil just like Hubbs. Need I say more?) If you haven't sampled acai (pronounced a-sai) it tastes (to me) a lot like fig. It is really good for you. Try it sometime.



So as we wound up the evening we took a photo of the aftermath. I HAVE to tell you about the MOST delicious soup I have ever had. So delicious in fact that YESTERDAY I took J-dawg on a date to the Blue Lemon JUST so I could have another bowl...mmmmmmm

Tomato Bisque. Go, if not for anything else but this, it is D-vine.

J-Man ordered the spaghetti and gave it two thumbs up. He ate it all gone!

Loving the mac and cheese. I got some take-out for Memms and ate almost all of it myself. (Shh, don't tell she didn't notice.)



Here is a pic of me (and a 21 week old Millz) as we toured the lovely restaurant. I had no idea I would match the decor so beautifully.

And beautiful and modern it is! The table tops are a scruptious sparkly blue. They SPARKLE...could be the best thing ever. Intermixed are some gorgeous chocolate brown tables as well.



mrs. r in front of the dessert. The thing I love about Blue Lemon is that they support other local businesses and bakers in the area, from their bread to their yummy cupcakes.



I NEED one of these RIGHT NOW.



There is a lovely little coffee and smoothie shop open early for breakfast.



Oh, and HOW cool is THIS? They offer cooking classes! For adults AND kids. You better believe my kids will be enrolling this summer.



The ice...it is divinity...it is that "pebble-like" ice that they have at hospitals. Mmmm. And these Blue Sky drinks are au-naturale. Loved the Wild Raspberry.

Blue Lemon is extremely green. Their soda cups and take out are all COMPOSTABLE. YES you heard me...the plastic is made out of: Get this: CORN.

BOMB.

So, needless to say I am addicted. I can't wait for Lychelle (the beautiful owner who is not only a birth mother, BUT also a NEW adoptive mother...perfection right?) to open up one near our house. Hear that Chelle? I will even take one at The District if you are wondering.

I am stealing this creative goodness from Kami (also, guess what? She is an adoptive mom, so cool right?) over at no biggie. (Thank Kami!)

The Awesome (and gorg) Blogging Ladies:


Jyl of Mom It Forward
Rachael of Today's Mama
Emily of Georgia Tees
Kelsey of Vanilla Joy
Lindsey of Cafe Johnsonia
Kim of Simply Me
Courtney from Your Heart Out
Vanessa of I Never Grew Up
Carina of The Jet Set
Liz of Say Yes To Hoboken
Stephanie of stephmodo
Marie of Make and Takes
Kami of No Biggie

mrs. r of The R House

Allison of Petit Elefant

One Year, and Miracles

Bear with me, this will be a long post...

I am not sure why, but even as I sit here, vomitous chunks arise in my throat.



It has been one year since we lost our last baby. One year since my family almost lost me.

I am trembling just even thinking about it. I don't want to think about it.
I don't want to relive it.

For those of you new here, if you don't know the story, you can read all about it here.

How do you move on from something so terrible?

Well, somehow you do. You take it one day at a time, and as I look over to the right of my computer, you can also take it one hole in the wall at a time like I did. You can drop the f-bomb a million times a day, and cry your eyes out until they bleed because they are so tired from crying.

Then you get up, dust yourself off, and try again. Or in our case, try multiple times again and again and get burned...but that is another post for another day.

We miss Peanut. We miss the little spirit that might have been. We think about him/her often. How close we were to finding out what we were having. What joy we had in anticipation. What sadness we felt.

It is common consensus around here that Peanut was/is a boy. So from now on we refer to Peanut as such. This makes J-dawg thrilled because he knows someday he will have a little brother.

(He, on his own accord brings this up regularly. As he was old enough to know and understand when the loss occurred.)

We think of 2008 as a great growing and learning experience here at our house.

We are thankful to have had LJ in our home during this time, even though at the time I wasn't sure why he would come the day before such tragedy would strike our home and our heart. I am not sure why weeks later we would be chosen to be scammed by a "birth mother". Why two months later we would be chosen by another birth mother, only to feel so good and confirming about that situation, to have it fall apart just as quickly. All I know is that, all of these things have been for our good. They have strengthened us, made us quicker to love, less likely to judge, and more ready to help those who are struggling through similar circumstances.

My heart is full.

I can't believe I can sit here and write that after a year.

A heart that was so broken and empty and angry can write that it is now full. Do I have all of the answers to "Why?" no. Do I wish that we hadn't had to endure what we did? I can honestly say now, that no. I am glad we did, for it made us stronger.

Early last fall after I bawled for 45 minutes on the phone to one of my best friends as I travelled to vacation with my family, I realized I had reached my breaking point.

It was around this same time that Hubbs and I decided (maybe more "I" decided...not sure) that if nothing happened for our little family's growth by December of 2008
we were going to throw in the fertility towel, throw in the adoption towel, and
move on with our lives.
Those five months were torture to my soul. One of my good friends asked me, "If this is so hard for you, why are you giving yourself a deadline?" The only answer I could come up with is that I needed to move on from this era of my life, my children needed their mother back, not the crazy shell of a woman that had replaced her. For three years we had been trying to get another child into our home...enough was enough wasn't it? So while it killed me to do it, I knew it was the answer...and in some ways I looked forward to the new year, to our little family, just us, to a new beginning.

Well, let me stop here for a moment and introduce you to someone.





Meet Millz

She is a little shy, this being her first "public" blog post and all.

She has heard that whenever her mom posts exciting news to her blog something tragic happens. She has reassured me a thousand times that this time will be different. But even as I tell you this, I feel like running into the other room to throw up (and that has nothing to do with being pregnant). She even assures me that I will get to wrap her up in the new blankets she HAD to have from Target (she is starting already), and that she can't wait to share a room with her big sister. She is also looking forward to the "rubberband gun lesson" that J-Dawg promised to give her when she gets bigger. I am holding on to her faith because I think she is closer to the Big Guy right now than I could ever be. :)

Heavenly Father works in a mysterious way. I don't suggest you give him a deadline, because just as you start getting comfortable with the way your new life will be, he will throw you a curve ball. A miraculous, beautiful curve ball, good thing I am good at bat.

We found out in December (can you believe it?) that this sweet baby would be joining our family.

We told no one.

I don't think we even told ourselves. Hubbs and I just walked around the house like, "Word." and "Holla." And that was that.

Why?

Well, because for the first three months there was intermittent bleeding and spotting. If I had a session, it was the death of me, I would bleed for days. At first I didn't even believe I was pregnant because well, Aunt Flow came to visit a few days early. I even blogged about being THANKFUL that she had. So silly of me.

I spent the first four months on the couch. SICK...SICK...SICK...and worried that if I did "too much" I would lose this baby too. I was so so so afraid to hope.

When I saw the doctor at 8 weeks, I saw the heartbeat via ultrasound. Even that didn't suffice. We told our kiddos at week 17. We finally told family around week 18. We had our ultrasound at week 20.

I am now at week 22.

You would think that I would be feeling better about things. I am faithful, I am extremely hopeful. I can't imagine that this would end badly as well. Would I be broken and lost if it did? Probably for a time. Would I eventually move on and learn? Most definitely. For now, I am taking it one day at a time. We, as a family are taking it one day at a time. It is maddening. It is hard to function, to just let go and let what will be, BE...but I can't. So each day is spent in agonizing worry, worry until I feel her move, worry until I see the doctor again. I wish it wasn't so. For this reason I didn't want to blog about it. But tonight, as I thought about Peanut, as I thought about all of the other babies that were to have been, I think how happy and excited I was for each and every one of them, and how this sweet girl deserves that too. She deserves to hear the happiness and congratulations from my friends. She deserves to be welcomed and wished for and hoped for.

Despite my heart.
My crazy, crazy heart.

This is our last shot. We found out at our ultrasound that I may be having surgery shortly after the baby is born (she is due July 30). They found a cystic tumor on my right ovary that they are watching and will remove after she makes her arrival. We will let you know more when we know more. This has shaken me a bit. Not sure what to think...I may end up "wombless" by the end of the year. Tee hee...one can only hope to not have periods ever again. I have a great doctor. I have a great Hubband. We are in good hands all around. We are in the Master's Hands.

With great trial cometh the blessings.

We are counting ours each and every day.

These shall be...

...the death of me.

(And my bumm.)

Work+Mini Eggs+Sitting= DEATH

Nuff said.

What Easter candy are you indulging in to the max this year?

My good friend...

...has been very, very sick.

About six weeks ago we finally had to send her to the hospital. We have been e-mailing her and calling about her progress for the past four weeks.

Hoping beyond hope that she was on the mend and that she would pull out of her illness.

It was very touch and go for awhile. She had been ill for some time, a little over a year, and we just didn't have the heart to let her go for so long to recuperate,

it almost cost her her life.

While she was gone, I had to make a new friend. She came with me to a wedding, and we became instant buddies. Oh how I loved this new friend.

Her wide hips and fast ways, made me almost hope that my old friend would indeed die so that I could make this new lady my new best friend. It was fun to take a walk on the wild side.

Alas, I had to return the new friend to her best friend, and cope with my own loss and tragedy.

Until today.

I got the answer I have so desperately been waiting for.
With baited breath I opened the e-mail, knowing that either she hadn't made it, or she made it with a stack of bills that I would inevitably have to pay for.
With this economy, the prospect of that was terrifying.

But, I am here to tell you that today was a good day! She has fully recovered!

And her insurance company is paying for all of the medical bills, all I have to pay for is her cab fare and she'll be back home.

Oh how I cannot wait to kiss and hug on her and treat her right. Even if her hips are a little too boyish, I love her, and she and I have had many good times together. Here is to many more.

Welcome home Nik. Welcome home.

I just can't get enough!

It should be no secret that these two are my faves.

Seriously?! YES!

Love me The Biggest Loser.

I am addicted. I even feel slightly guilty when I eat Pringles while I watch the show.

Be it known, Hubbs was in fact eating ice cream during the show tonight.

Tonight?

I was in TEARS...as I was feeling like a total putz thinking,

"Why am I crying over who is going home?"
Until I looked over and Hubbs was crying too.

SUCH a good show. Really, it really, truly is!

If you haven't taken the time to make it a part of your life, you really should. It is SO inspiring.

Off to go blow my nose, and avoiding the scale.

Cool Beans

This year, my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are studying the Doctrine and Covenants in Sunday School. I am not a theologian, I don't claim to be super smart in areas of religion, but basically, this book is a book of revelations given to Joseph Smith around the time of the Restoration of the church into the 20th Century. Pretty freaking cool.

I didn't realize it at the time, but around the first part of January I started reading
The Work and the Glory.

Maybe you have heard of the movies?
(They are bomb too, especially that scruffy Joshua. Mmmm gimme some of that.)

Even though these books are considered "fiction" because they greatly revolve around a fictional family, the church history behind them is amazing. The author has done an INCREDIBLE job of documenting his sources, and I have found myself mesmerized by all that I am learning.

On Friday, Hubbs and I had a date. Yes, a real date, cool huh? Anyway, we went to
The Church History Museum.

I freaking LOVE this place. I am a Church History GENIUS now, anyway, I am just amazed.

What is the point of all this rambling?

I have come to love and to respect the temple even more since my study of the Doctrine and Covenants. And I wanted to take the time to share this beautiful video from my church telling you all about the temple and why we have them. Pretty cool stuff.

Have a happy sabbath yo.

Blasted youtube isn't working...here is the linky loo.

Aye--yay, yay.

So, tonight our ward had this bomb fiesta. Minus the Tequila, cerveza, and peyote. There were however muchas senoritas, dancing, hot sauce, AND a pinata.

I am telling you this because it is my calling...(my little job in my ward) and I LOVE IT!

I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. Watching full grown adults and people of an older generation hit a pinata was seriously SO FUNNY. Watching my kid get hit in the leg with the bat as it broke in two...not so funny. (He is fine. I think he was more upset he didn't get to HIT the pinata.)

Again I say, I love my calling, I haven't had so much fun since I can remember. Who says Latter-day Saints don't have any fun? I'll tell you what...

Word has gone around my ward about this blog. "Eek!" I say,
and cringe in other ways,
but I welcome people getting to know who I really am. It doesn't get more real than this blog. Welcome to my new friends...

Dear Friend...

...the one that we ding-dong ditched today.

My heart was aching tremendously as I met with mrs r...and we discussed what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that today was for you.

We prayed that your nemesis sit on a tack, very long, very painful, very sharp and perhaps very poisonous tack.

There is nothing worse than seeing one of your good friends hurting, and knowing you can't do much for them.

We love you.

I make a much better Bella, don't ya think?

Create your own FACEinHOLE

I am SO embarrassed to be posting this. I have had it as a draft for a month. Actually did this as a favor for my dear friend mrs. r.

It is just too greasy. I secretly love it.

Incidentally, here is hers:


Create your own FACEinHOLE

Photography Special

Go check out my Senior Special on my photography blog.

If you don't have seniors, I am also having through Mother's day a

free 8x10 (of your choice) with each session booked.

So delicious, I can't handle it.

For V-day my sweet Hubbs and children came home with gift cards to Target.

Last week, I used said gift cards to buy these damask lovies. If you come to my house, please ask me to get you a drink in one of these.

They are so lovely I cannot handle myself. I just want to eat them, and can often be found licking them.

Just so you know.

How fun.

Love this word cloud. Thanks Sarah. Now, go make your own.

What can you live without?

Yesterday, after a full day of deep Spring cleaning of my kitchen (praise me), I decided to sit my ars down and watch me some afternoon telly. After watching a rousing hour of Dr. Phil discuss how to cut our grocery bill IN HALF...Hubbs got home and sat down just as Oprah was beginning.

(Let it be known that if Hubbs is home, he will watch Dr. Phil and Oprah 99% of the time. He is addicted. I think it is hilarious.)

Anyway, Oprah was quite interesting. You should go check out the story on her site.

Basically she talked about "What can you live without?" And asked the question, then had some amazing guests on who talked about ways they simplified their lives. I won't lie when I had the small desire to run out and sell my house and move into a cottage in the woods...holla! But quickly recovered when I realized that indeed I can't live without my "square-footage". (It makes me feel good...that is what Oprah said anyway...let's talk about her square footage. Huh hmmm.)

So, it got us on the discussion with our little fam about what we could live without. So I asked Hubbs and J-Dawg what they thought.

Jokingly I asked Jay and Hubbs if they thought they could live without ice cream...immediately the question was shot back,

"Could you?!"

"Duh! Of course I can...I don't really even like it anyway, except that one kind...so ya, I could!"

The boys never did give me a straight answer, then J-Man shoots back with the following:

"Well, you can live without it then. But not me, Daddy, and Memms!"

Huh.

The proof of that was discovered when I came across a receipt this morning that stated that at 3:31 a.m. wilst my Hubbs went out to get electrical tape, he also bought three quarts of:

Dove ice cream.

I'm really going to have to find out what they CAN live without.
(And living without putting your shoes away does not count.)

Today was a hard day...

...this is just what I needed...well, and maybe this (oh how I wish).

Thanks for the mozzarella sticks mrs. r.

Guilty as Charged

Pretty much, watch this at least once a week before I go to bed.

I laugh every. single. time.

As if!

As if 2008 didn't suck enough for us. Now we can't claim any of our expenses. What on earth? I am T-O'd.

I used to be a:

Secretly, or not so secretly, I used to be a grade A: B.

For the purpose of keeping this blog somewhat PG13...use your best imagination...

I was a BIZNATCH.

Most of my beastly thoughts were kept to myself inside my head. I was a B, mostly in high school.

"Really?" some of you are asking yourselves and scratching your head. Yes. Really.

I was two-faced to the core, but strangely enough it was only to myself I would share my B-side. I would secretly judge and I prolly thought I was so much better than every one else (not literally, but in a sense, I was so insecure...). I was terribly insecure.

On the outside, I was nice...polite, servicing, but on the inside I seethed, I hated, I hurt, I was troubled.

I felt that high school should have brought me much more happiness than it did. I had to go to a new high school when most of my super close friends all went to another high school. I was so sad and downtrodden. It took me until I was a senior to feel like I had some sort of place in the high school realm and even then, it wasn't until the last week of school I saw how many people actually knew me and cared about me. SAY WHAT?! My high school years would have been a lot easier had even a tenth of the people who looked up to me said something. I was full of so much hurt and anger because I tried SO hard to be everyone's friend...to only be left to feel empty and hollow because the cool kids didn't have the time of day for me. Oh how mightily foolish I was. How many good friends I did have...but that B inside of me....oh how I hated her.

I bet my good friends didn't know that even though I was on the Seminary Council (Oye...how to explain this one to anyone outside of the state of Utah...or anyone that isn't LDS...it is like, in high school, we got to leave on class period and go out to another building and learn stuff with other kids our age about the gospel...and as a senior I was on the planning committee of sorts. Does that explain it? I don't even think they have these anymore)...anyway, even though I served in this capacity, and needed to be close to Heavenly Father (which I was) I swore like a sailor?! At home, in front of my parents...we said the F word...and a whole slew of other things. See...B I tell you.

My B-havior lasted, I would say until I had my second child. (Hubbs would tell you otherwise that I am STILL a B...ha ha ha ha...but really I am not.) There are parts of me that could not let my insecurities go. I was prideful in a way. My kids always had to look better than everyone else's kids. They had to have the perfect hair, the perfect shoes, the perfect clothes. (Me too...minus the perfect stuff, I just had to be presentable.) This slowly faded as Memms turned one. I got to the point when really, none of that mattered.

In the past year...NONE of it matters to me anymore. How foolish and silly it was to worry about so many of these things for so many years. Who cares? Now, I shop at D.I, Kid to Kid, Savers and the like. Half the time my kids are in their jams all day...and their hair...well I am lucky if Memms gets her hair even done on Sunday. I just don't care. Simple as that. You know what? I am happy. I am not a B anymore. I don't harbor any of the insecurities in my heart and mind that I used to. I don't have the same seething anti-confidence that I once had. So stupid to waste my years in beastly silence...secretly hurting, secretly wanting to make myself feel better...to look better, to be better. It was such a tragic waste.

I used to say that if you were humble, it made you prideful. Well, I am sure in some small way it does, but dang it, it feels good to let the biznatch go...and to be free from her grasp. To be truly humbled, to focus on what really matters and the people in my life who really care and have been and will continue to be there for me for the rest of my life.

It is liberating.

Meu irmao.

My big brother Marcus and me. Circa Spring 2006
(Photo by www.leishakelsey.blogspot.com)

All my life growing up I longed for a super close family. I think I would have done well to have had fifteen brothers and sisters. In some ways we were close, in others we were really distant.

For 9 years of my life I was the youngest child. For those same 9 years I had one person to which I could rely upon. That was my big brother. Isn't he so studly? Oh and he blogs which is totally radical.

When I was seven and he was ten-ish our parents split. It was prolly for the best, of course looking back, we know it was. But for me, I felt like I lost something, I lost my older brother.

Both of us had a lot more responsibility placed upon us. Up until that time our mama was home, she made us dinner, she saw us off to school. Then our mom had to start working, and it was up to Big Brother (further on in this post to be referred to as BB) to help get me to school safely, and after school he would help my mom start dinner. I have vague memories of this time in my life...but so many of them are full of memories with my BB. (Thanks for always keeping me safe yo...and for teaching me the street smarts when we lived in downtown SLC.)

Upon walking to school each day, we passed this little ghetto grocery store. Sometimes we would have quarters and such and would get some sort of treat or small token item out of the machines on our way to or from school.

When we moved out of our "home" and away from the only place we ever knew...things
like this
started happening.

And eventually as we each reached our teen years, we weren't as loving to one another as we had been when we were little. There were many a day when holes were kicked in walls or doors when our parents were gone to work. Tee hee. Sad, sad times.

I am thankful to have the relationship I have now with my BB. I love his beautiful wife, and their son is my little pride and joy. I never knew how wonderful it felt to be an aunt until he was born.

We have seen each other through so much.

Broken bones, two divorces, illness, death, and so much more.

I hope that my kids can continue to grow up and continue the close relationship that they have with each other.

I get a little misty when I think I won't have that huge family that I always dreamed of...

(It was 8 not 15...but dang, Heavenly Father most def knows that I am not capaple of mothering 8 kids)

...but I am thankful that thus far in our little lives I have been able to be home for them when they go to school and come home, and that I am helping to nurture their friendship and loving bond.

Mostly, I just hope that they don't put holes in my walls like we did to our mom. Sorry mom. :)

Flutter.

Felt the baby move for the first time this week.

This is definitely helping me believe this is going to happen.

Feel a lot like this:



So unworthy. So thankful.

Who I am.

It is strange to look over the past year of my life, to see where I am now, where I have come from and to even look ahead at where I am going.

I can't lie when I say that tiny pieces of me died last year with each trial. My faith was shaken so much at times, that even now it is hard to wrap my brain around each instance. It is sad when I look at the parts of me that died, because there were so many good things about me that I miss, and it is a challenge to come to love and accept this person I have become because of the trials that we have been given.

I can look back now with new eyes and can even sometimes think, "It wasn't that bad!" Especially as I look all around me, and some of my dearest friends are having to endure many harder things than I ever have in my life and ever will.

I don't need to worry about someone trying to take my baby away.

I don't have to worry about my husband finding a new job (although if he did get a bit more work I wouldn't complain.)

I don't need to worry about a lot of things. For that I am grateful.

The parts of myself that I miss are:

The ability to drop everything for someone else. That part of me died. I feel like I hole myself up in my house and focus so much on my kids and my hubbs that it is hard for me to actually leave the house anymore. Some say this is okay, but for me, the time has past for it to be okay. I miss the person who would just DO for others. I wish I could find her again.

I miss the running girl. I await the springtime weather again so I can get outside and feel the breeze on my face and the sweat down my back. (Gross, but true.)

I miss my complete love for photography. Yes, part of me died last year. I can't quite pinpoint this one, but sometimes I would rather put my camera away in a drawer and never look at it again.

I hate that I fear. I hate the part of me that can't let go and let Heavenly Father be the planner of it all. I wish I didn't fear so much.

These are the things I miss the most. So, little by little, step by step I have been trying to get myself out more. It is wonderous what service to others can do. With so many awful things happening all around us, it isn't too hard to find someone to serve, some reason to leave my house.

Today, I spent the morning with my sweet friend Crystalyn. She and I are struggling with a few of the same things right now. It felt so good to talk to someone else who just gets it. It was so great to talk to someone who wants to do similar things for similar reasons. Gettting out of the house and talking to her was such a boon for my spirit. (Boon? Really? Has anyone used that word since 1895?) So, even though she helped me more than I helped her, it was so good to see that I am not alone.

I went outside without a coat today. There is no better way to beat the winter blues than to take off your coat when it is above 5o degrees. This warmed my soul and told me that warmer days are coming.

And since the beginning of the year, I have made a concerted effort to take more photos for ME! What joy this has been. To reconnect with that which I love, and to see my children in a new way. I have missed them. I feel like they have grown up...and I don't know where the little babies went. For this reason I will never put my camera away.

I can't miss any more moments in self pity, fear and sorrow. I need to be here for the people that need me most. Being here for them in a physical sense is not enough, I need to give my all, every bit of me. I am trying.

It is hard, it is not easy, but isn't it all going to be worth it?

(That's what He said, although He never really said that.)

Easily Distracted, Migraines and Progresso

I am easily distracted cuz I should be working, actually I finally got my work done but have been dying to blog. It is never a good idea to have the Internet on while you work. Anywho...

A few weeks ago, as I was sitting in church, one of my dear friends MJ who was seated behind me looks at me with big eyes and says,

"Kim! Your face is so skinny, have you lost weight?!"

I looked behind me and scanned the room, certain she was talking to some other Kim. When I finally realized indeed she was talking to ME...I laughed at her and joyously accounted to her that she must be mistaken, but thanked her for the nice compliment.

As I went home that evening, I thought about what she had said, I looked in the mirror and while to myself, the image hadn't changed, the scale said otherwise. What is the difference you ask? Well, I shall tell you.

Back in early December, after reading this article and this article (I don't care if you are LDS or not, you should read it...some good stuff!). After reading these particular articles I vowed never to put caffeine in my body ever again. ('cept for maybe the occasional Excedrin Migraine or two.)
Of. Course.

I hadn't really noticed that it was making a difference to my body, I wasn't a heavy drinker of such beverages as the Dr. Pepper and Pepsi and such, but much more that I would have liked to have had.

At the time of my swearing it off, I began to suffer some SEVERE headaches. Let's talk, 5 or so migraines a month (please people, don't be concerned, I have discussed them with a doctor, it runs in my family, yes I look for triggers, yes I know there is medication but at this time I am choosing not to die of a stroke, because I can handle five migraines a month (I think.) So, lucky me, having migraines I was also puking my guts out five days of the month.
(Not fun. Blowing chunks NEVER recommended.)

SO...I got to thinking, heck I am prolly losing weight with all the puking, the lack of soda in my diet and my new love...which is the entire point of this post:

PROGRESSO

I love me the Progresso. I was first introduced to it by this lady. I am hooked.

Why do I love it so? Well, because there is a vast variety of "Weight Watchers" approved choices, 0 and 1 point options. Am I on Weight Watchers? H no...but if anything says Weight Watchers on it, it has got to be good right?

Holy delicious vegetables. Scrumptious. This has been my lunch of choice for days and days and days and days and days. One can is TWO servings and I eat them both. My body has never relished in so much vegetable goodness since, well, EVER!

So, if these three things can make my face "look" skinny and keep the scale down, well then I highly recommend trying it.
(Well, prolly not the migraines or the puking so much...but try the other two.)
Let me know how it goes.

And let's be honest. The entire reason I am writing this is because I am hoping
Betty Crocker
sends me a year supply of the Progresso.

Hear me Betty?

I am waiting.

LOST

Finally got all caught up on LOST tonight. Hubbs and I had a marathon of LOST the past two nights.

(Even went and picked up some cables so we could watch it on our new love.)

To say I am obsessed is putting it lightly. To say that this show gives me the "tickle pee pees" (or the "utz" as mrs. r likes to say (same diff)) is putting it lightly.

I just can't get enough. Are ya'll loving it as much as I am?

And is it just me, or does Sawyer just keep looking yummier and yummier?

I wish I were Kate. (Sorry Hubbs.)

Kids say the darndest things...

J-Man: "Mom, do you think you could handle four kids?"

Me: "Uhm, heck no."

J-Man: "Do you think you could handle five kids?"

Me: "Again, heck no!"

J-Man: "What about TEN kids?" Giggle, giggle.

Me: "Dood, NO WAY!"



Little Memms, sitting across the room:
"But the people on the Brady Bunch can!"

Me: Under my breath, "Ya, cuz they had a maid."

16 Weeks 4 Days

This is me, at Balboa Pier at 13 weeks. I look about as good as I felt. Scary.

Today I reached a point in my pregnancy that I made the last time I was on this adventure.

16 weeks and 4 days. That is when I lost the last baby. I am actually to the point of believing I am pregnant, but not to the point that I am certain all will be okay with this little baby.

See, here is the story, to give you a little background. After everything that happened last year, Hubbs and I were DONE. We knew that there was another little baby waiting to come to our family, but our hearts were so broken and spent on the challenges of the year, the miscarriage, the scamming, the failed placements, it was all too much. Amidst it all, we were still remaining faithful to the fact that maybe just maybe Father would bless us with another pregnancy, so throughout it all, with the exception of two months, we were hoping to have another miracle pregnancy. We gave ourselves until the end of the year, and if nothing happened, we would throw in the preverbial towel and call the family building quits. We had had enough.

December was the deadline, and even though it hurt deeply and terribly to know how quickly December was approaching, I knew that by this time, we would have our answer. How much we longed to just be able to move on one way or another and have some form of finality to it all. Either another child would be coming, or we could change our focus and begin enjoying another phase in our lives. It is hard to explain this to others. Close friends who knew what we were going through would question why we were giving ourselves a deadline...if it hurt so much to think of closing the door. I don't know the answer to that, other than, it just made sense and felt right.

Well, the end of November I wrote this post. When I mention starting my period EARLY instead of late. I saw that as a tender mercy, so that I didn't have to wait another four days to find out if yes, or no we were expecting. So, my period came. And then went from coming, to not coming...to being really weird. So weird in fact that when I was still bleeding the next week, I had the thought to take a pregnancy test. The test was positive.

So, in early December...the time of our deadline, we found out that we were expecting a baby. It is hard to describe how I felt. I felt shock, I felt fear most of all. Afterall I was bleeding, and not bleeding, then spotting, etc...etc... I was afraid to even hope. I was afraid to even think about it, when it was all I could think about.

Then I got sick. Way. Sick. So sick in fact I have never felt so icky in my entire life. Puking daily...sometimes five time or more...and having to time driving to the side of the road with my mouth filled with puke and not killing everyone in the car became my new pasttime. Or how about that time my husband saw me barf for the first time in our marriage, as I blew chunks all over our bathroom floor? Ew. So, even though I continued spotting, there was this sign that my body had something going on, and it was encouraging to hear from the doctor that all was well because of this.

So, I bled for the first couple of months with this baby, when it finally stopped I was feeling a lot less nervous, but not completely okay. I was still puking, so that was a good sign.

Finally, after laying on the couch for four months straight, and puking so much I was looking totally hot, er uhm...not, I started feeling a little better. (Although I am writing this at 18 weeks I am still dealing with terrible nausea, I had never experienced it this bad with my other pregnancies. Very strange.)

We had decided not to tell our kids anything about this baby. We felt like they had dealt with enough dissappointment over the past year, I couldn't bear to watch them deal with one more thing that wasn't going to happen.

We waited to tell anyone. We told a handful of our closest friends.
I can tell you, that was really hard.

I get teary now even thinking about it. I feel so incredibly reverent in regards to this baby, that I don't even want to share the news with anyone. I feel so blessed, but at the same time, feel so much sorrow for so many of my close, close friends who are longing to add to their families, to adopt, or to become pregnant, that it is hard to understand why it is happening again for us.

Reverent.

So, here I am, just passed this huge milestone. I am coming up on 18 weeks of this pregnancy, measuring two weeks bigger. (As you can see in the photo...which was five weeks ago (HUGE). But thankful. So utterly thankful, I am finally allowing myself to feel it. Still scared out of my mind, still praying all goes well. But for now, over a hump. And so thankful for that.

Please go vote...

...for my beautiful little friend Kiara!
She is in the 2-4 year category.

Vote here!

While your there, look around, Leelou Blogs is hosting an online baby shower and fundraiser for two tiny babies in the NICU. They need your help.

Thanks guys!

Good luck Kiara!
Hurry! One day left to vote!

Draper, Utah Temple Open House

Photo Courtesy of JD. Thanks!

My heart has been full the past few days. Tears come quite easily when I think back to Monday when it was our turn to go to the Draper Temple Open House.

Firstly, if you haven't gone, you must. Secondly, if you have any opportunity to go, you must.

(This opportunity is available for all, (not just members of the LDS church) all you need to do is reserve a spot and voila!)

The look of joy and excitement on my children's faces was remarkable, especially my little five year old. He was ecstatic to have the opportunity to go to the temple! He was so curious and happy the entire day. It was all he could stand to get through the video and onto the bus. We, of course got the oldest bus in the whole operation, it was dirty, and loud, and "scawy" (as Memms put it) but it was an adventure!

Pulling up to the temple, the feeling of peace was immediate. Walking through the long passageways of tents until we reached the entrance was more than J-Man could handle...he was ready to be INSIDE!

I loved the opportunity to hold his little hand the entire way through. His curiousity and continuing questions made me realize how important my example of the temple is to him, and will continue to be to him throughout his life. I want him to long to go back there when he is old enough. He assures me when he is 12 he is going to go and do the work he can do, until he can do more. He is thrilled!

Walking into the Celestial Room, I lost it. Being there with my sweetheart and my children, and holding them close as we looked up at the seemingly endless ceiling and the beautiful chandelier...tears streamed down my face. Oh how I long to have this little family forever and to feel such perfect love and peace forever with them. How awesome will that be?!

The last room we entered was the sealing room. Amazing, breathtaking, marvelous. The spirit was strong! Wow. I can hardly explain.

SO thankful to have had such a wonderful opportunity. In all my times attending the temple, I seem to forget the power that is there, it's strength and magnitude. Wonderous.

The tour ends in the adjacent church building, where there is a beautifully decorated reception hall, and they even have...brace yourselves:

COOKIES! Yes, cookies. This was more bliss than my little ones could handle.

We ended the afternoon with a wonderful lunch out, together as a family. How I am holding each one of my lovies closer the past few days.

I hope you have the opportunity to go.

"Hey kids, guess where we are?!"

"Disneyland!"

Best kept secret of the year. Really.







I wish I had more photos from the day. Hubbs took some with his piece...I literally took like 10 the entire day. I didn't want to have to babysit my camera, and well...within the first 10 minutes of our being there it POURED. And after that I did not feel much like shooting our grody selves.

We were soaked (so much for our cute hair for pictures), our stroller was SOAKED, our food was SOAKED...but it was SO much stinking fun, so so so worth it. The kids didn't even notice the rain.



Poor Hubbs, natural curl+rain=curlz. I think he is adorable. Love his face here.



Making a wish in Minnie's well.



Memms LOVED seeing Minnie. J-Dawg not sure what to think here.



It is so cute how they just ran up to Mickey. Memms didn't want to leave him. Mickey, in his Fantasia attire even did a little "Happy Birthday" ditty for Memms. It was so so so cute and adorable. She loved him.

The kids favorite rides?

J-Man: Peter Pan (the longest line of the day)
Memms: The Matterhorn (she said she liked the one with the scary mosters the best. Way to go Abomidable Snowman!)
Hubbs: The Matterhorn (I think he liked Memms reaction to it the best, I rode with J-Man, he was a little freaked too.)
Mine: The Carousel (Because we could all ride together and the look of wonderment in J-Man's eyes as he rode was the best gift in the world)

Definitely a place of magic. It was a day of magic for all of us. So thankful to have been able to take them there!

Totally going...

...so should you.

Home today...

Photo circa early spring 2007.

...with a feverishly sick girl. I hate it when they are sick. That, and my ward probably thinks I am inactive by now, considering with all the illness our family has had since the beginning of December I have missed like 8 weeks.

Good times.

Anyway, so this morning I am laying in my bed with my hott hott girl, and she is asking me to rub her legs and scratch her back, "Like this!" (The girl has a certain way she likes things done) and I say to her:

"You are SO spoiled aren't you Memms!?"

And she says back in her scratchy little voice, "No I am not, I am just beautiful."

Can't argue with that now can I?

Off to cuddle. Hope your Sunday is the best ever!